Ex dictating holiday dates - AIBU?

[GetSetJetSet]

Name changed as would prefer this post to be anonymous.

Curious to get other people's views on my current situation and what they'd do if they were me.

Separated from ex 5yrs ago. Do not have a good co-parenting relationship. Share one primary school aged child and communication is mainly through email.
Been through court for child contact and have had an order in place for 4yrs.

Court order states contact during school holidays is to be agreed at least 3months in advance. Ex has our child for 2 weeks during the summer holidays.

I've had an email telling me he's booked a week next summer abroad and that he hopes it's ok as it's the only time he can get a decent priced holiday and he wants our child to enjoy a summer holiday. Sounds reasonable enough but it's during the time I've always taken our little one away on holiday - historically he's always had the back end of the summer holidays for contact and I've had the beginning, and I usually have to remind him I need his dates so I can arrange childcare etc.

AIBU to say no, on the basis that he hasn't adhered to the court order? He hasn't agreed the dates with me before booking his holiday and actually our child will be enjoying a summer holiday with me across the same dates?

YABU and petty.

But you usually book the cheaper dates, right? 🤷🏼‍♀️ I don’t think his financial position is of your concern beyond you getting the maintenance your child is entitled to.

Just agree but advise him to confirm before booking next time as you are resident parent and you’d hate to double book a holiday as you would not be able to change your dates once booked.

Depends.

Is your usual booking lined up with other people? a regular accommodation booking?

Do you have to organise it with work?

If none of those things I'd say yes, that's fine, I'll work around it, but please don't book in future without checking first.

I think you're being petty sorry.

Yes he should have checked before booking, but as you haven't actually booked anything then it's doesn't cause a clash in plans.

He's the type of guy that if you give him an inch he'll take miles and miles. Over the years he's done things that don't adhere to the order and I've been reasonable about it and asked he "doesn't do it again" yet he still does. This is the final straw really.

With regards to the comment about improving my co-parenting relationship - in an ideal world we would get on and be amicable. Our separation was awful - police involvement with abuse on his side and he put me and my family through hell.

And he still tries to control things - this is a perfect example.
I can't reason with unreasonable.

So long as everything is on his terms, we tick along ok but if I disagree with him or bring something to his attention he doesn't like then the shit really hits the fan.

You sound incredibly bitter and petty. I'd understand your reaction if he had booked the holiday at short notice, but he's given you over 6 months' warning. Try to be child-focused here. It is clearly in your child's best interests for you to agree to this. You can always ask him in your reply to please agree dates before booking in future, and make the point that you don't want to set a precedent of one parent booking a holiday before dates are agreed.

Are you insecure about your child spending time with his partner?

Your update still doesn’t stop you coming across as very unreasonable. What’s his partner got to do with it?

If you say no to this “on principle” you’re the one being controlling.

It’s plenty of notice. Don’t pick unnecessary fights.

You get your shared child 4 weeks in the summer and he only gets 2, and you’re whining that he’s booked a holiday nearly a full school year in advance and has politely asked if it’s ok?
Sorry but financial positions of you both etc are completely irrelevant to this. That you’re even considering saying no, and complaining that he booked before checking is so so so unreasonable.
You say he was controlling in your relationship but honestly, your post screams control on your end.
The correct answer is to reply yes no problem, dc will have a lovely time with you.
If it bothers you so much, start arranging the summer holidays when new school year starts in September so you can both make plans.

On this issue it is you being controlling, not him. He's gave 9 months notice ffs. And so what if he takes the cheaper week next year when you got it last time?

I honestly don't see this as a control thing. He saw a good deal and booked it. Yes ideally he should have checked but sometimes these things are gone in a flash. You don't know all the ins and outs of their finances so you can't really say what he can and cant afford. You sound a bit martyr ish with the 'I've stayed single and am much poorer'. Believe me, I do get where you're coming from, my ex can be similarly infuriariting but I have learnt to accept that some of my irritation with him is an OTT reaction due to past issues rather than a genuine problem. If you really can't resist the temptation to piss him off, make a big show of how well it suits you because now you can do (random imaginary great thing) while she's with him.

I guess you need to consider if this is the hill to end up in court over. You are within the rights of the CO to say that you already have plans so no.

Are you teaching this point because if the steady drip of him not sticking to the CO and you need a line in the sand?

I guess when you do draw that line he'll get nasty but if you don't it's going to carry on and on and on.

Tough choice.

YABU. You 'allow' him to take his own child at half term? Very big of you.

Your child would love going abroad with her dad, stop controlling their time together

From the info given he’s adhered to the court order. He’s given you the required level of notice plus some. Unless the order specifies what weeks he has her you really have no reason to refuse. If you refused and he lost the holiday money - he could take enforcement action and you could potentially have to pay him financial compensation.

Although you are not obliged to inform him of your holiday dates as you are resident parent it is sensible (and usual I believe) to drop an email to the other NRP to say I have booked a holiday between x dates once booked so please ensure you avoid those dates when booking your time off to be with DC. This then prevents overlaps happening.

Stick to your guns OP. He shouldn't have booked it without asking you full stop. Sounds like control is still an issue. I would have done the same as you in the circumstances. If you start giving into him now he will just keep doing it.

I really am not petty and bitter - I think I've been more than flexible over the years and always think about what is best for our child.

But there has to come a limit of always trying to do the right thing, whilst being pissed on at every opportunity. And that's what this feels like.

In no way am I insecure about the partner either - I've never met her but our child likes her which is all I could wish for.

It seems like I'm massively unreasonable from the replies and there are some interesting opinions on how I'm portrayed, controlling etc.

I will give this some more thought but appreciate you all taking the time to share your thoughts. Thank you.

If you would have absolutely agreed to the dates if asked, and he’s given you loads and loads of notice you do come across as being petty making a fuss about it. I get that there’s history to your relationship but don’t allow that to colour your reaction to what is actually perfectly reasonable.

He could take it back to court.. ours say we alternate who gets first pick for each of the holiday dates each year. So as a one off I'd let it go this summer.

Just seems like you are drip feeding now as people don’t agree with you, the only one coming across as controlling is you.

YABU.

Your child will enjoy it, you’ve had plenty of notice.

Don't worry op, you don't come across as controlling at all, posters saying otherwise aren't thinking of your situation, and are being unnecessarily harsh, I'd let it go, of course you don't want him trying to control you through petty little things, but rise above it until he does something to really piss you off then take it back to court.

Yes I think yabu. He has given you more than the required notice and has adhered to the court unless there is a drip feed coming.

If he wants the cheaper end of the holidays for a change, and you want an expensive holiday abroad in august.

I get where you're coming from op it's annoying and makes you feel like your ex is trying to control things. He is obviously a bit of a twat.

But there does come a point where you say - what's best for my kids, but also, what's best for ME, and is letting him get to you over this really worth it? Don't let him have any more or your head space.

I'd agree to it but make it clear that in the future you must be consulted first.

I can see how it's annoying. But if you've had the cheaper weeks of the holidays last year, isn't it his turn to get the cheaper weeks this time? Rich people like to save their pennies too.

I'd like to address a few posters direct.

@TurnUpTurnip I welcome all comments but yours are particularly harsh I feel. I didn't post on AIBU and expect everyone to agree with me - and im not drip feeding because nobody is.

It is a difficult situation which at face value may look like im massively unreasonable, but with everything that's happened over the years it's hard to explain fully and I didn't want my opening post to be really long.

@HeckinMiffed. I said I allowed my ex to take our child out of school for a week in February. He has no contact other than EOW during that month, but because it's a special occasion within his family I agreed to his request of him taking our child abroad for two weeks.
I wouldn't take our child out of school for a holiday - but when he asked I knew I'd be unreasonable to say no so I said yes.

I up until now have been flexible with all his contact requests.

@Chickychoccyegg & @tweedlewee - thank you for your kind comments too