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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex dictating holiday dates - AIBU?

155 replies

GetSetJetSet · 16/11/2021 22:24

Name changed as would prefer this post to be anonymous.

Curious to get other people's views on my current situation and what they'd do if they were me.

Separated from ex 5yrs ago. Do not have a good co-parenting relationship. Share one primary school aged child and communication is mainly through email.
Been through court for child contact and have had an order in place for 4yrs.

Court order states contact during school holidays is to be agreed at least 3months in advance. Ex has our child for 2 weeks during the summer holidays.

I've had an email telling me he's booked a week next summer abroad and that he hopes it's ok as it's the only time he can get a decent priced holiday and he wants our child to enjoy a summer holiday. Sounds reasonable enough but it's during the time I've always taken our little one away on holiday - historically he's always had the back end of the summer holidays for contact and I've had the beginning, and I usually have to remind him I need his dates so I can arrange childcare etc.

AIBU to say no, on the basis that he hasn't adhered to the court order? He hasn't agreed the dates with me before booking his holiday and actually our child will be enjoying a summer holiday with me across the same dates?

OP posts:

HugeAckmansWife · 17/11/2021 06:57

OP I do get it, really I do. I have had 5 years of my ex being a dick about various things but one of the ways he is a dick is by being awkward and unbending and putting his 'rights' before the kids. One of mine missed out on a weekend trip with a club they desperately wanted to go on because he refused to swap weekends with me. Don't be that person. You don't have anything booked yet. It doesn't clash with anything. How would you really justify your refusal in court? I agree with the pp upthread who suggested a message along the lines of 'lts fine but please in future check before booking as per court agreement to avoid possible clashes'.. . I assume you check with him too before booking?

Original poster

GetSetJetSet · 17/11/2021 07:12

@Wannabegreenfingers It's a tough crowd here! The part time dads or partners of part time dads were out in full force last night

No, in all seriousness it is a shit situation to be in and I feel for you (and anyone) who is going through similar.

Unless you've had to co-parent with someone like my ex I really think you have no idea as to how you'd react at something as trivial as this. It's easy to criticise me from the outside looking in. That said, this thread has given me food for thought.

@SD1978 I feel the need to correct you too. I have not had the dates I want for the last 4yrs. More often than not I have to go chasing my ex for the dates he wants to have our child during the school holidays. So that I can then arrange my time off around them and arrange childcare for the remaining time I can't get off.

He has always, without fail opted for the back end of August as it works better for his business and ties in with the dates he has his other children from a previous relationship. And I have always accommodated his asks, arranging my holiday plans for late July/early August and even agreeing to last minute changes which have scuppered my plans but work better for our child.

The only ever time I have refused his proposal of dates was the year he tried to arrange a holiday for 22nd - 28th December. I said it was only fair our 5yr old got to enjoy time with both parents but yet I was still massively unreasonable for saying no.

I follow the order we have in place and adhere to it, appreciating some flexibility is needed at times but from all these replies it seems it's not even worth the paper it's written on if non-resident parents can just go and do what they like whilst the other is expected to just suck it up.

OP posts:

Original poster

GetSetJetSet · 17/11/2021 07:20

@Tohaveandtohold But why would my ex tell our child he's going somewhere fun but because of me their not?

He's played that game before, I even have it in writing and it reeks of parental alienation to me.

Why would you purposely tell your young, impressionable child that. Unless you wanted them thinking badly of the other parent?

He also said in the email that he'd asked our child about holiday plans for next summer. What gives him the right to be putting that responsibility on our child?

Just everything about this is unacceptable.

OP posts:

PingedPotato · 17/11/2021 07:25

He also said in the email that he'd asked our child about holiday plans for next summer. What gives him the right to be putting that responsibility on our child?

How old is your child? He might have just asked "do you know if you're going away with mum next year?"

I agree that making it your fault if you object will be well out of order. He shouldn't be telling your child of any exciting holiday plans until it is agreed they can go.

mummyh2016 · 17/11/2021 07:26

OP I get that he's wound you up by just presuming he can have that week without checking before booking but realistically you have no argument to say no. Maybe just say you agree however can he check next time before he books it as you were on the verge of booking your holiday for the same week, and if he'd asked a couple of days later it would've been a problem as DD would then have had two holidays booked for the same week with each parent.

lentilsandeggs · 17/11/2021 07:26

‘Why would you purposely tell your young, impressionable child that. Unless you wanted them thinking badly of the other parent?’

Op that’s exactly what my DSD’s mum told her when she went off on holidays with the older children (siblings with a different dad) in school time on a week when DSD was with her dad.
She hadn’t even asked my partner to swap the week. (Not that he would have agreed to be honest.) My DSD was so sad and feeling totally headf*ed.

JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue · 17/11/2021 07:31

I'm sorry but I agree with "the part-time dads" - I'm not one, nor am I the partner of one. He shouldn't have booked without checking but men can be idiots. You don't have anything booked yourself, so you can't claim a prior booking. Let it go, pick your battles. Pettiness is like a slow rot inside of you, it serves no purpose but brings you down.

A polite response of "Thank you for letting me know, that's quite a change from the arrangement over previous summers. It's not a problem this year as I haven't booked anything yet, but probably worth checking with me in future before making a booking - I'd hate for you to have to cancel."

Tabbacus · 17/11/2021 07:35

More often than not I have to go chasing my ex for the dates he wants to have our child during the school holidays. So that I can then arrange my time off around them and arrange childcare for the remaining time I can't get off.

Then this year he tells you with triple notice and that's still not good enough, right.

DreamerSeven · 17/11/2021 07:35

Does the court order say he has to agree the dates before booking a holiday or just that you have to agree the dates 3 months in advance? If it’s the latter, he hasn’t really done anything wrong, he’s the one who’s taken the financial risk you don’t agree.

I’m not sure this is the battle I’d pick with him on this occasion, I think your history with him is colouring your reaction (which is understandable) but if you want specific dates on holidays, a court order is what you need.

BonesInTheOcean · 17/11/2021 07:36

Do you have something booked for that time or not OP?

If you have then I would keep it, if not though, I would probably let him have it (maybe not agree straight away though if he's got form as an arse, which he does by the sound of it)

Tabbacus · 17/11/2021 07:36

I'm not a father, nor am I married to someone who has children with someone else; but I was a child in a similar situation and it was exhausting, tedious, and I wish the adults had been grown up about the situation. I missed out on loads to prove a point or to get one up on the other.

ChatterMonkey · 17/11/2021 07:38

You keep on mentioning that your ex has gone against the court order, but i dont understand why you think that?

He's given you plenty of notice, whether he booked or not is irrelevant, you can at this point tell him it isnt suitable, but if he thinks you are doing that for no good reason, as you have nothing booked or planned yet for those dates, then he could take it back to courth and would probably get given those dates. As on paper, you have no good resson to refuse them.

And all of this is within the terms of the courth order, and is the sort of situation its designed for. The courth order us not to protect you over your dp, or him over you. Its to make sure that the child is prioritised, not whether the principal of your ex booking a holiday is fair or not.

Classicblunder · 17/11/2021 07:38

I am not a part time dad or the partner of one. I still don't get how this wasn't total compliance with the court order.

From what I can tell if he had said "I would like our child X week, I hope that's ok" you would have said sure but because he has something booked you want to say no, it makes you sound a bit unhinged.

I really don't think this is your hill to die on. What would you even say to a judge "yes it was within the required notice period, yes he asked if it was ok and I had no reason to say no but I wanted to?"

maddening · 17/11/2021 07:43

I would say something like you have had to move your holiday to accommodate and as you have already flexed over the Feb half term he will need to ensure that he sticks to the usual contact times in 2023 as you will be booking time for your usual slots.

You come out looking uber reasonable but reinstating your boundaries going forward

FreedomFaith · 17/11/2021 07:46

I'm very surprised at some of the comments on here. For a site that is aimed at women, there sure are a lot of comments in favour for the poor old bully man here.

He's clearly doing it to get her to be under his control again. He was abusive to her, we don't know if that was in front of their child, but let's face it probably was. He's under a court order for his child because he's such a twat and he thinks he is God enough to not obey a judge.

Fuck that tosser. He's a moron. I'd tell him I would see what the judge said personally and ignore him otherwise. I'd then speak to my solicitor, tell them that I have plans with my child that week (even if it's not booked yet, you had plans during YOUR time, he is supposed to make plans during HIS specified time) and that you aren't really willing to change it just because he's decided he doesn't want to listen to the judge. He should be listening to his court order, op is right, you give him this he will take more and more, reduce the csa etc. Bet he doesn't even talk to his kid when he has them, probably just pawns them off on someone. Typical tosser loser father.

Other people's circumstances of their kids not even seeing their father don't matter here either. They just sadly have an even more useless father. Doesn't make this one a good one. Standards need to be higher, he is not adhering to them, he can piss off til he does.

NoSquirrels · 17/11/2021 07:46

The thing is - usually you have to chase him and that’s annoying, this year he’s booked well in advance but you feel controlled.

If I were you I’d say - great, glad we’ve sorted it so early this year. I’m surprised it’s in the time I usually have DC, though - you’re lucky I hadn’t booked our holiday yet! Shall we agree some fixed times from now just in case this happens again?

I get that he’ll resist that, but at least you’ve spoken up.

You’d be silly to say a flat no on this occasion though I think.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 17/11/2021 07:46

Why should you accept it?

Ooh I don't know because it benefits your child?

Sciurus83 · 17/11/2021 07:48

I think it's a really crap situation for you and I understand why you are annoyed. I also don't think you'll get anywhere trying to do anything about it as it is so far in advance, he has booked and you can't show you have already booked at that time. Fighting this one will be a lot of aggro with probably no result for you. Conserve your energies and pick your battles. But do tell him that you aren't happy about this and next time he needs to ask before booking, he has effectively just told you which isn't what the court order says should happen and you do not want it happening again. As the partner with less money he should be considerate that you need the cheaper time more and doing this isn't in the best interest of your child.

Classicblunder · 17/11/2021 07:50

you had plans during YOUR time, he is supposed to make plans during HIS specified time)

But the court order doesn't specify summer holiday time - it says two weeks by agreement with at least 3 months notice. I think that's what the ex is doing - seeking agreement to a particular week with the relevant notice. If the OP had had plans, it would be fine to say no but she doesn't

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 17/11/2021 07:50

Bet he doesn't even talk to his kid when he has them, probably just pawns them off on someone. Typical tosser loser father

That's a lot of projecting @FreedomFaith

A dad who is a typical tosser loser father for wanting to take his own child on holiday.

DuchessMinnie · 17/11/2021 07:50

Honestly, my ex has not had my children overnight in over 3 years and has taken them on maybe 2 holidays in 8 years. I would agree to whatever week he wanted if he asked. Pick your battles, I say.

ButterflyAway · 17/11/2021 07:52

Agree with PP’s, at this point even with the backstory it sounds like you’re the one trying to be difficult for the sake of it. If you say no and he goes back to court you’re the one that looks like a dick.

NoSquirrels · 17/11/2021 07:54

Been through court for child contact and have had an order in place for 4yrs.

Court order states contact during school holidays is to be agreed at least 3months in advance. Ex has our child for 2 weeks during the summer holidays.

AIBU to say no, on the basis that he hasn't adhered to the court order? He hasn't agreed the dates with me before booking his holiday

This is him adhering to the court order though - he’s saying l would like to arrange my 2-week summer holiday contact over these dates (because I’ve booked a holiday on a good deal).

The booking it already is irrelevant to whether you agree those dates, really.

You can still say no - but actually why would you? It’s very much cut off nose to spite face territory. If you’d also booked a holiday then you’d have a real reason to object.

Separate your frustration with him and his ‘control’ from this and then you’ll see it how others are seeing it.

Saying yes this time doesn’t oblige you to say yes next time. You can say yes but if you ever book in advance of agreeing dates again we will have a big problem and potentially need to go back to court for fixed arrangements.

notacooldad · 17/11/2021 07:54

In your case I wouldnt let him feel that he has 'won' or has control. I'd be telling him that date really suits and works out better for you etc. It will take some of the power he thinks he has away.
I do understand its jarring and that you feel it's always you compromising though.

FreedomFaith · 17/11/2021 07:55

@Classicblunder

you had plans during YOUR time, he is supposed to make plans during HIS specified time)

Maybe she does have plans but hasn't been able to book them yet because of lack of funds.

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