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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex dictating holiday dates - AIBU?

155 replies

GetSetJetSet · 16/11/2021 22:24

Name changed as would prefer this post to be anonymous.

Curious to get other people's views on my current situation and what they'd do if they were me.

Separated from ex 5yrs ago. Do not have a good co-parenting relationship. Share one primary school aged child and communication is mainly through email.
Been through court for child contact and have had an order in place for 4yrs.

Court order states contact during school holidays is to be agreed at least 3months in advance. Ex has our child for 2 weeks during the summer holidays.

I've had an email telling me he's booked a week next summer abroad and that he hopes it's ok as it's the only time he can get a decent priced holiday and he wants our child to enjoy a summer holiday. Sounds reasonable enough but it's during the time I've always taken our little one away on holiday - historically he's always had the back end of the summer holidays for contact and I've had the beginning, and I usually have to remind him I need his dates so I can arrange childcare etc.

AIBU to say no, on the basis that he hasn't adhered to the court order? He hasn't agreed the dates with me before booking his holiday and actually our child will be enjoying a summer holiday with me across the same dates?

OP posts:
DameFanny · 16/11/2021 23:44

You already have plans for that week, so it's absolutely not unreasonable to tell him that and keep to your plans. That's the risk he took when he booked without checking.

DameFanny · 16/11/2021 23:48

@DameFanny

You already have plans for that week, so it's absolutely not unreasonable to tell him that and keep to your plans. That's the risk he took when he booked without checking.
OR

Maybe this is him acting in good faith and trying to be a better parent, in such case it's in DC's interests to cooperate.

Will DC enjoy the holiday? Can you do something a little different?

OhGiveUp · 16/11/2021 23:49

You're being ridiculously petty OP.
Making it all about ' principles ' is pathetic.

SouthSideSally · 16/11/2021 23:58

So the things about this is that he has given you lots of notice. Yes he's cherry picked the best weeks and yes he booked first and asked second and that is shit BUT think of what might happen if you say no purely out of principle.

BurntO · 16/11/2021 23:59

OP bottom line it is quality time for your child to spend with their parent. Stop making it about you and your “principles.” Put your child first and facilitate a reasonable request to enable them to have this time together. There are so many other weeks you can do things

timeisnotaline · 17/11/2021 00:04

Can you afford your usual holiday if it’s at the time he’s left to you ie the more expensive time? If not id just say no, he minimises maintenance and isn’t reasonable about anything as well as can afford to cancel and rebook. If you can afford it and it’s available then i do agree that you have to let it slide.

Original poster
GetSetJetSet · 17/11/2021 00:17

@SouthSideSally What might happen if I say no out of principle? That could almost be interpreted as a threat (not by you) - but more like being cornered into accepting the dates he's told me because I'm scared of the consequences of saying no.
Is that what you're insinuating?

I don't think it's pathetic to have principles.

I also don't think it's pathetic to have boundaries and speak up for myself when someone pushes things too far.

Christ with a man like my ex you need to be strong or else he'd run rings round you. He is a bully.

Why should I have to accept this? It's not like our child won't be enjoying several holidays already next year between the both of us.

OP posts:
NewbieSM · 17/11/2021 00:34

I think YABU, you have admitted yourself you don't have anything specific booked for this time so it's really no skin off your nose to agree to it. Your history of control and abuse from him is awful I agree but I don't think this has anything to do with you. He wants to book a nice holiday for his child and that is a good thing. He's given plenty of notice, so you're only saying no because why? He was an arse to you in the past so he can't take her those weeks? Definition of petty and controlling. Try to separate your feelings about him from your child's best interests. His and your finances have nothing to do with it. You have 4 weeks to book a holiday with your daughter he has less than that.

BurntO · 17/11/2021 00:35

Why should you accept it? Because it’s 8 months away, you’ve been given loads of notice and your child is very lucky and will have a great time. Stop making it about you. There is no problem here expect you trying to make one.

SouthsideSally · 17/11/2021 00:35

Ok so some consequences might be that he takes you back to court for an emergency order to take your child on holiday or tries to renegotiate the holiday terms of your order. Other consequences might be that your child realises what's happening. We know that conflict is hugely detrimental to children. So you can interpret the notion of consequences as a threat or you can understand that in the wider scheme of things this isn't actually a problem to anyone but you and your principles. His principles may well tell him that it is entirely unreasonable that a court and his ex wife can dictate when he can take his own child on holiday. I imagine that if I was in the same position I would be furious and frustrated. I might even push back a bit to try and feel some semblance of control. I'm not saying that would be the right thing to do or particularly helpful, just that using "principles" as a guide to decision making with an ex and coparent is simply not going to work.

Garriet · 17/11/2021 00:36

Okay maybe he shouldn’t have booked before discussing with you, but realistically it isn’t a problem as you’ve not booked anything either, and it may be the holiday you’d want isn’t cheaper for that week anyway.

I think it’s fine to express your dissatisfaction with the communication, but if you say no for no good reason and he then decides to bring it all back to court, not only would it be unnecessary stress for all of you and a massive waste of the courts time, but you’ll be told there’s no reason why the holiday shouldn’t happen then and a court order would be made to say so, and you’ll have gone through all that conflict and nastiness for nothing.

Pick your battles.

Wannabegreenfingers · 17/11/2021 01:19

Gosh there are some harsh people commenting. I'm in a similar position and totally understand why you are annoyed.

SD1978 · 17/11/2021 01:48

You've had what you've wanted for every year the last 4 years. This year he has given you 8 months notice, more than the court ordered 3. To say no would be petty.

Hope478 · 17/11/2021 05:55

@GetSetJetSet

Appreciate all your views and thank you for your responses.

If he'd have asked before booking I absolutely would not have a problem agreeing to the dates. It's the fact he's gone ahead and booked it without consulting me first that's hit a nerve.

He's also said he booked it because it's cheaper for him to do so at that time.
He's co-habiting with a partner and is very wealthy, whilst I've remained single and only have my wage coming in plus a small amount of maintenance from him (self employed and fudges his books)
I'm not bitter just explaining for context - he's snapped up the cheaper holiday and left with the more expensive times during the summer?

I am the resident parent and I am not required to inform him of my holiday plans, whereas he needs to provide me with his itinerary etc.

He was controlling in our relationship and I think this is him attempting to remain in control.

I'm wouldn't be saying no to be petty but it's a matter of principle - what is the point of the court order, and stress I went through to get it if he can just do what he likes and I'm expected to accept it because he's given me plenty of notice?

I've been flexible in February with half term and allowed him to take our child out of school to enjoy a two week holiday to celebrate a special occasion. February half term is always my contact time so it's not like I'm not willing to be flexible.

You do sound bitter unfortunately. Why shouldn't he book a cheaper holiday, just because he earns more than you?

For God sake, he's given you over half a year's notice. Stop being petty and allow your child to go on holiday with their dad.

You sound like hard work.

Motherchicken · 17/11/2021 06:08

I think you should agree this time as you haven’t got anything booked. But make sure you book in advance next year so you get the cheaper dates. Also give him a heads up once you’ve booked it so he doesn’t double book, and he know what dates he has to choose from.

Tabbacus · 17/11/2021 06:17

He's given way above the required notice and wants to take DC on holiday, what is your issue really? You could be spiteful and say no to prove a point, but then your little one misses out on a holiday with their dad, just so you can score some points. As a child who went through similar, address your issues before making problems that don't exist.

Lovelydovey · 17/11/2021 06:18

I’d reply reminding him that he needs to agree dates before booking holidays not present this as a fait accompli. But then be the bigger person and confirm that it does work for you unless you have other plans.

Classicblunder · 17/11/2021 06:26

So here's the thing I am finding confusing: the order says he needs to agree the dates with you at least 3 months in advance. I think that is what he is doing?

He hasn't just said "I am having these two weeks" he has said 'I hope this is ok". Clearly implied is that if it's not ok with you, you can say so but that he is hoping that you would be reasonable and only object if you have a really solid reason (e.g if you had something - whether a holiday or a family occasion or something - booked yourself).

I don't think "by agreement" means that you get all the control, I think it means that you discuss between you and agree something and this isn't an unreasonable way of opening the discussion given it's 9 months ahead of time

lentilsandeggs · 17/11/2021 06:28

It’s certainly annoying. In your shoes I think I would leave a clear trace that he’s outside the terms of the court order by emailing to say that the court order requires agreement and being presented with a fait accompli doesn’t comply with the concept of agreeing. And that you will work with his plans for next year but expect court order compliance when planning the summer schedule beyond that.
(I’m a stepmum used to helping my partner deal with his difficult ex!!)

Thehop · 17/11/2021 06:28

“As it happens, I haven’t booked our holiday yet and, as Jane would enjoy that, I will agree to it. However. I must insist that you stick to the requirements of the court order in future and agree contact dates with me before booking holidays”

ChangingStates · 17/11/2021 06:32

I have an ex a bit like this- it's his wants and needs first every time. He also earns almost double my wage and has much more flexibility at work. I can absolutely see yours booking without discussing would hit a nerve, my ex has done similar and it really pissed me off. However I have learnt that keeping the peace, and only pushing back when what he wants really can't work for me, rather than out of principle, makes my life easier and less stressful in the long run. Battling is tiring.If him taking her that week doesn't mess with plans you have already made then I would agree but make it clear that next time he must agree before booking.

Mummywantsaweewee · 17/11/2021 06:32

Sorry OP but the bottom line is you want to say no on principle apparently just to teach him some kind of lesson, and in doing so you’re putting what you think is in your best interests before your child’s best interests.

He can take you to court and get the holiday time approved. He could also seek costs against you (unlikely to be granted in family court but he can try!!)

PingedPotato · 17/11/2021 06:38

He is asking you though. And you can say no. Forget that he's booked already. If it's not OK with you then it's not agreed. I think you need a better reason to not agree than it's the weeks you usually have as it's cheaper. Just becuase he has more money and a partner doesn't mean they want to spent loads on a holiday when they can do it cheaper.

Personally I would say you want xyz week next year in exchange and then agree it l.

PingedPotato · 17/11/2021 06:41

I'm wouldn't be saying no to be petty but it's a matter of principle - what is the point of the court order, and stress I went through to get it if he can just do what he likes and I'm expected to accept it because he's given me plenty of notice? you aren't expected to accept it. He is following the court order though. He's asked if it's ok. Just becuase he has booked something doesnt mean he has assumed it is agreed

Tohaveandtohold · 17/11/2021 06:57

I think you’ll be unreasonable not to agree on this occasion. As you said earlier, you’ve had that week for the past 4 years. That he has more money does not mean that he can’t seek a deal too. He has also given you 9 months notice which is triple what the court is expects him to.
The weeks you get are not set in court and I’m sure if he goes to court, all they’ll take into consideration is what will benefit your child and they’ll grant him that.
Imagine your ex telling your child that he’s going away to somewhere fun but can’t take her because of you. children start to form their own impression of their parents at this age and it’ll be unfair for this to be one of the pictures she’ll paint of you.
You can always agree ahead that in 2023, you want that week off.