Am I being ridiculous? Actually really upset

[Ring222]

Will keep it short.

Married DH a couple of years ago and pretty quickly got pregnant and had DC.

I had my suspicions at the time that the ring DG proposed with was the one he gave his ex (and mother of my SC) which he was given back when they split up years before, they never actually went on to marry, but couldn't quite put my finger on why I thought it.

I knew he had the ring still when we first met as he found it when we were getting rid of a lot of stuff when moving in together. This was about 7 years ago now! The ring sort of disappeared and he said he'd just gotten rid of it.

At the time when he proposed I did wonder, but as I never saw that ring again couldn't really remember exactly what it looked like so couldnt say 100%. On the once or twice it had come up he'd just skirted over what he'd done with it and the box the ring he proposed with was in looked a bit worn. I asked him outright a few months later and he said absolutely not, he got mine from X shop in a town near us and went specifically with a friend to choose it etc etc.

Anyway, long story short it's come to light now that it is the same ring.

I'm actually really pissed off. Not because I'm arsed about having a fancy ring, I'd have been happy with anything. But I'm upset that he lied and tbh I am upset that it's the ring he gave another woman too. I'm embarrassed as well in a way, this is the mother of his kids, who hasn't been the kindest to me, god knows if she has spotted it but if so it makes me cringe. It's the kind of thing she'd take pleasure in knowing that I don't realise.

I'm actually really really annoyed. Is it petty? Am I right to be? Does it matter? I know the lying matters but I'm also pissed off that it's the same ring, would that part bother you as well?

This wouldn't bother me, especially years later.

I would be livid and deeply embarrassed.
His ex will see you wearing her cast offs.
Would your dh be okay if he found out you wore the same wedding dress add you did on your first wedding, to another man?
He sounds like a cheap skate and thoughtless.

Quite a few people I know have upgraded their engagement ring
I'd definitely do that if I was you (but I'd be gutted to find this out and would have real trouble getting past this lie.....)

I’d be furious, he lied, give it to. Homeless person, say you lost it, get another whether second hand which can be good value at auction houses or new. You owe him nothing over this, arguably you shouldn’t lie but he has on this. There is no merit in telling him you know - just get rid of it

Perhaps he Considers it to be the ring his wife was to wear.
Why get it back otherwise?
Us he a miser.

Yanbu I would be pretty upset about this too. I would expect my Dh to get me my own ring, not one given back to him by his ex partner. I'd also be annoyed at the fact he lied when you asked him about it.

I would be VERY upset at that. Unless it was something like a family ring that got passed down through generations. But even then it's a bit ick

Yadnbu!!! And it's the lying that's the issue not the ring

I can't believe he actually said, "I knew you would be funny about it" because you and his ex don't get along great, or such-like.
What the actual fuck?!
So, you are the unreasonable one in this scenario?!
That's a real bell end comment to make.
I would really struggle with this one. It would be off my finger for starters..

but he knew I'd be 'funny' about it
An engagement ring is something that should be chosen with the recipient in mind.

And there's the crux - he knew you'd be unhappy but did it anyway and then lied about it.
What should have been a personal token of his love and esteem is now just representative of his deceit.

Not sure how I'd feel in your situation but they'd definitely be an element of trust lost and our relationship tainted. I don't think I could continue wearing it.

Wow. Yanbu OP. Not cool at all. Hope he sorts this out.

How did he explain the ring sizing? Presumably you and the ex fiancee are not exactly the same ring size?

One of the best things about having an engagement ring is either having a meaningful family piece of jewellery in the case of an heirloom ring, or having a ring that's been chosen for you with love. He's robbed you of that which is bad enough but then to have lied about it for years is awful. You deserve a ring meant for you, not something he had going spare.

For me, even a replacement ring would be tainted now. What a horrid thing to do. I think I'd end up not wearing any wedding or engagement ring at all permanently after this. Seriously. What a deep level of hurt and humiliation he's inflicted and still has a callous attitude.

Oh I’d be devastated! He bought it for someone else not you and then lied about it!

I'd be hurt. Basically he hasn't picked or bought you an engagement ring.

I know it's an over reaction, but I'd be tempted to tell him you're not engaged unless he buys YOU a ring!

I too would feel so upset. He lied but also who wants to wear their exes ring? Definitely speak how you feel

Could he not have sold ring and used money to buy you one that's just for you? It's tight. Plus the lying and the indifference is questionable

I also got a recycled ring but I knew it was a recycled ring and I wasn’t worried about it because he was honest. I would be really upset if he had lied about it. It’s a big thing to lie about. You definitely have a right to be upset.

This is all over the news/social media today. I have only read opening post...

I would be wondering what else he has lied about for the sake of a quiet life.

That's really dreadful - you need another, very expensive ring now - from him of course!

I’d be so upset.. on both counts.
Surely he can see that.
I’d sell the ring and make him buy me another

@CrackersDontMatter

I've just read back and he said he lied because he "knew you'd be funny about it" I'd find that really hard to forgive.

The whole thing would make me feel like I'm filling a vacancy rather than that he valued me as a different and individual person. That might not be the case of course but that is how I would feel. I'd never wear it again.

I agree. A remarrying spouse needs to understand that being the second wife or girlfriend can be humiliating, especially if the first one is bitching on the sidelines. The remarrying spouse therefore needs to be super careful to make the second partner feel special and certainly should not make undermining comments that play into the hands of the first one. Your DH was not thinking straight, he needs to apologise for calling someone who is feeling humiliated, "being funny". That suggests he is the victim of henpecking not the other way around. He should read the "Stepmonster" book to understand some of the dynamics around this and the fact that it is a feminist issue.

You’re right it’s not about the money at all. It is the deceit! I agree that it is embarrassing for the ex to be aware of this and not yourself. I would be so annoyed. Would rather have a £20 ring bought for me than a £5,000 ring that another woman hard worn.