Am I being ridiculous? Actually really upset

[Ring222]

Will keep it short.

Married DH a couple of years ago and pretty quickly got pregnant and had DC.

I had my suspicions at the time that the ring DG proposed with was the one he gave his ex (and mother of my SC) which he was given back when they split up years before, they never actually went on to marry, but couldn't quite put my finger on why I thought it.

I knew he had the ring still when we first met as he found it when we were getting rid of a lot of stuff when moving in together. This was about 7 years ago now! The ring sort of disappeared and he said he'd just gotten rid of it.

At the time when he proposed I did wonder, but as I never saw that ring again couldn't really remember exactly what it looked like so couldnt say 100%. On the once or twice it had come up he'd just skirted over what he'd done with it and the box the ring he proposed with was in looked a bit worn. I asked him outright a few months later and he said absolutely not, he got mine from X shop in a town near us and went specifically with a friend to choose it etc etc.

Anyway, long story short it's come to light now that it is the same ring.

I'm actually really pissed off. Not because I'm arsed about having a fancy ring, I'd have been happy with anything. But I'm upset that he lied and tbh I am upset that it's the ring he gave another woman too. I'm embarrassed as well in a way, this is the mother of his kids, who hasn't been the kindest to me, god knows if she has spotted it but if so it makes me cringe. It's the kind of thing she'd take pleasure in knowing that I don't realise.

I'm actually really really annoyed. Is it petty? Am I right to be? Does it matter? I know the lying matters but I'm also pissed off that it's the same ring, would that part bother you as well?

He has absolutely messed up!! How horrible.

he said he couldn't afford one as nice as that at the time but he knew I'd be 'funny' about it as me and his ex always had a bee in our bonnets about each other at the time apparently

And yet he didn't respect your feelings. He knew how you would feel, yet did something that he knew would hurt you! Why are do men do shite like this!

[quote Aria999]@KnightError

It wasn't just 'a little bit of not saying', it was a complex lie. He even bothered to invent what shop he got it from and who helped him choose.[/quote]
Yes, I can see that too. However, I still wouldn't be bothered if he was otherwise ok. I'd take the piss out of him, though (and probably for some time to come). Fortunately neither of us does drama.

@Bowlofcereal

This wouldn't upset me.

A close friend proposed a few years ago to a girlfriend with a very expensive Cartier ring. He would get back a tiny fraction of the cost if he returned it or sold it on, not to mention the enormous risk of being scammed if you tried to do it privately. So it sits at home in a drawer. He's now in a long term relationship and we've often discussed would you give it to the new girl? Would you have to tell her or would that just cause unnecessary grief?
If he sells it to buy her a new one it'll be a far far cheaper ring, about 30% value.
He isn't in a position to now pay much more.

Is it really any different to buying a second hand ring?

Would it just cause "unnecessary grief" to tell them the truth about something you're expecting them to wear every day as a symbol of your love for them? You and your friend are both very selfishly minded if you think the correct response is to just give it to his new girlfriend anyway, knowing full well she might never agree to that or want it, just so your friend can feel like he got his money's worth.

[quote Sometimeswinning]@KnightError I thought it was just me who wouldn't really care about the situation. I'd be happy with a new ring but I definitely would not judge my entire relationship on it. Forgive and move on. He can't change what happened but he can fix it![/quote]
Yes - agreed!

In any relationship, someone will at some point do something stupid. You have to be able to move on.

I would save being 'heartbroken' for really big things, not for an act of thoughtlessness/stupidity/rush of blood to the head.

I’d be upset and annoyed. Mostly by the lying part but also that he was so tight fisted. Is he usually like this? Is he now grovelling? Send him out to get you a proper ring.

Sell it and use the money to buy a new one that you really like.

he said he couldn't afford one as nice as that at the time but he knew I'd be 'funny' about it

So he knew what a monumentaly shit thing it was to do!

I would be so so hurt over that. I don't honeslty think I could get past it. I'd feel compltely humiliated realising I'd been wearing a ring he had bought for another woman all this time. Not a ring that he bought special for me, but one that had used to propose to his ex partner and worn by her.

And his reasoning was he couldn't afford one as nice!!!! Fuck me.
What a prick.
Does he not realise its not about the money but the actual sentiment and what that ring means? Its not just a piece of jewellery, its symbolic.

I am so sorry, you are not over reacting at all here. I wouldn't be able to wear it again, or even look at it. The whole engagement would feel like a huge cheap, pathetic waste. I'd honesly feel like the leftovers. Not worhty enough even for her own ring.

And then theres the lying. The lying was to protect him by the way, not your feelings. Him. So he didn't have to fork out for a new ring.

I have no idea what I would do in your shoes with this, but I know I would be seriously thinking of ending it. I'd feel so cheap. At the minimum i'd be asking him to leave for a bit whilst I processed the fact that the whole engagement was a lie and try and come to terms with who actually knew and the humiliation of it all.

He would have some serious, serious damage control to do. If it means him selling off all his favourite possessions to buy a new ring, then thats where he should be starting.

He sounds like a sociopath. What a dick!

He hopefully now will realise what a bad move it was. He needs to make amends and get you a new one. Then and only then you can kind of forgive him. I dont think he was being malicious just a thoughtless knob.

It's the lie that would hurt me, not the money or the gesture x

I wouldn't be at all pleased in fact I'd be mad about his lying on more than one occasion and a close second would be that it was originally offered as a token of love and promise of marriage to another woman.
Following those would be the knowledge that he MUST have thought or realised that at some point, his ex lover would see the ring on you, maybe when collecting or picking up or collecting their children. Their mutual friends may have seen the ring and now see you wearing it - women can be very catty and get pleasure from passing on a titbit of news such as that.

Well...I had neither an engagement nor a wedding ring. I hate wearing rings and specifically asked my ex not to buy either kind. I feel my hands are weighed down with even nail colour so my hands are always bare.
Saved him a few quid.

I might add that his reasoning, IMHO, was off as he couldn't afford a ring as nice as the first one but could afford another child...and they're not cheap to keep.

I would not wear the ring that had been on another 'intended's' hand. I would sell it/lose it and get a new one as a replacement. I am sure that is bad luck (it is not an heirloom it is a cast off).

@Ring222

Thanks. I wish I'd pushed more about it at the time.

It almost feels like I shouldn't be as annoyed about it now when we're years down the line but I am!

@Ring222

Lies, the last I heard, don’t have expiration dates.

Sell it and spend the proceeds on dc and make him buy you one that you choose

In no way are you Verucca Salt! He proposed to another woman with that same ring! Why on earth would you want to have her old unwanted ring from their failed relationship?! When people re-use rings it’s because they belonged to their beloved mothers etc, not people they are glad to see the back of! He needs to get you a completely new ring. None of that keeping the stone and putting it in a new setting. NEW RING.

I’d take it to a jeweller’s and trade it in for one you like at twice the price. You could get him a few unflattering garments from a charity shop for his Christmas presents and look at his face when he sees how tatty they are. Then say: “What are you looking at me like that for? You’re happy enough to give me secondhand, darling! You better give them a wash. They do rather ming a bit. Go on then! Oh and the washing powder is next to the washing machine. Manual in the drawer. Remind me when when was the last time you put a wash on?”
That will shut him up. Plus you have the joy of him reading his bank statement when the money for your new superior ring has gone out of his account. After a few sherries and a laugh at how foolish he has been , he will hopefully understand the moral of the tale.

@Ring222

How did you get on? Did he do the right thing and get you a new ring OP?

Ask yourself how much of your anger right now is really over the ring. Is he generally caring, thoughtful and appreciative of you? If your relationship is solid and he is genuine in his feelings for you, let your anger go. Get another ring, have something designed with the stones from this one, whatever. Move on from this one mistake on his part. Tell him why you are upset and then drop it. If, on the other hand, this is just one more symptom of his thoughtlessness or his disregard of you and your feelings, or regular gaslighting or lying then you would be better served by seeking a counselor to work through the deeper issues in your relationship. Good luck.

@terrimom

Ask yourself how much of your anger right now is really over the ring. Is he generally caring, thoughtful and appreciative of you? If your relationship is solid and he is genuine in his feelings for you, let your anger go. Get another ring, have something designed with the stones from this one, whatever. Move on from this one mistake on his part. Tell him why you are upset and then drop it. If, on the other hand, this is just one more symptom of his thoughtlessness or his disregard of you and your feelings, or regular gaslighting or lying then you would be better served by seeking a counselor to work through the deeper issues in your relationship. Good luck.

Sometimes a person's one act alone can make you angry and make you feel unable to forgive and forget, regardless of how gleaming their record is the rest of the time. It doesn't have to be a symtom of a wider issue to be a major problem in itself.

He could have part exchanged it in the jewellers and got you your own ring. But the lying is not on