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Am I being ridiculous? Actually really upset

323 replies

Ring222 · 16/11/2021 14:56

Will keep it short.

Married DH a couple of years ago and pretty quickly got pregnant and had DC.

I had my suspicions at the time that the ring DG proposed with was the one he gave his ex (and mother of my SC) which he was given back when they split up years before, they never actually went on to marry, but couldn't quite put my finger on why I thought it.

I knew he had the ring still when we first met as he found it when we were getting rid of a lot of stuff when moving in together. This was about 7 years ago now! The ring sort of disappeared and he said he'd just gotten rid of it.

At the time when he proposed I did wonder, but as I never saw that ring again couldn't really remember exactly what it looked like so couldnt say 100%. On the once or twice it had come up he'd just skirted over what he'd done with it and the box the ring he proposed with was in looked a bit worn. I asked him outright a few months later and he said absolutely not, he got mine from X shop in a town near us and went specifically with a friend to choose it etc etc.

Anyway, long story short it's come to light now that it is the same ring.

I'm actually really pissed off. Not because I'm arsed about having a fancy ring, I'd have been happy with anything. But I'm upset that he lied and tbh I am upset that it's the ring he gave another woman too. I'm embarrassed as well in a way, this is the mother of his kids, who hasn't been the kindest to me, god knows if she has spotted it but if so it makes me cringe. It's the kind of thing she'd take pleasure in knowing that I don't realise.

I'm actually really really annoyed. Is it petty? Am I right to be? Does it matter? I know the lying matters but I'm also pissed off that it's the same ring, would that part bother you as well?

OP posts:
Londoncallingme · 17/11/2021 22:11

@Ring222

Will keep it short.

Married DH a couple of years ago and pretty quickly got pregnant and had DC.

I had my suspicions at the time that the ring DG proposed with was the one he gave his ex (and mother of my SC) which he was given back when they split up years before, they never actually went on to marry, but couldn't quite put my finger on why I thought it.

I knew he had the ring still when we first met as he found it when we were getting rid of a lot of stuff when moving in together. This was about 7 years ago now! The ring sort of disappeared and he said he'd just gotten rid of it.

At the time when he proposed I did wonder, but as I never saw that ring again couldn't really remember exactly what it looked like so couldnt say 100%. On the once or twice it had come up he'd just skirted over what he'd done with it and the box the ring he proposed with was in looked a bit worn. I asked him outright a few months later and he said absolutely not, he got mine from X shop in a town near us and went specifically with a friend to choose it etc etc.

Anyway, long story short it's come to light now that it is the same ring.

I'm actually really pissed off. Not because I'm arsed about having a fancy ring, I'd have been happy with anything. But I'm upset that he lied and tbh I am upset that it's the ring he gave another woman too. I'm embarrassed as well in a way, this is the mother of his kids, who hasn't been the kindest to me, god knows if she has spotted it but if so it makes me cringe. It's the kind of thing she'd take pleasure in knowing that I don't realise.

I'm actually really really annoyed. Is it petty? Am I right to be? Does it matter? I know the lying matters but I'm also pissed off that it's the same ring, would that part bother you as well?

Yes you should be hugely pissed off. Sell it and buy another - it’s tarnished.
Aria999 · 17/11/2021 22:24

@KnightError

It wasn't just 'a little bit of not saying', it was a complex lie. He even bothered to invent what shop he got it from and who helped him choose.

RealBecca · 17/11/2021 22:51

I would sell it and take off the wedding ring until he sorts it. But there will still be a huge cloud over it. Twat.

Sometimeswinning · 17/11/2021 22:53

@KnightError I thought it was just me who wouldn't really care about the situation. I'd be happy with a new ring but I definitely would not judge my entire relationship on it. Forgive and move on. He can't change what happened but he can fix it!

GroggyLegs · 17/11/2021 23:02

The ring needs to go - I know it would put me right off wearing it now that I knew he'd been deceitful.

To get rid of the cloud hanging over it all, I'd make a lovely day of it - just as if you were chosing an engagement ring together first time around. Make it a happy & exciting thing.

If the ex mentions it (doubt she will) tell her you'd always planned to get an upgrade, the original was never meant to be permanent.

Ddot · 17/11/2021 23:03

Take it to the porn shop, see if you can part exchange for similar but different. You may get a beauty

GreyhoundG1rl · 17/11/2021 23:06

The Porn Shop 😂

Bowlofcereal · 17/11/2021 23:08

This wouldn't upset me.

A close friend proposed a few years ago to a girlfriend with a very expensive Cartier ring. He would get back a tiny fraction of the cost if he returned it or sold it on, not to mention the enormous risk of being scammed if you tried to do it privately. So it sits at home in a drawer. He's now in a long term relationship and we've often discussed would you give it to the new girl? Would you have to tell her or would that just cause unnecessary grief?
If he sells it to buy her a new one it'll be a far far cheaper ring, about 30% value.
He isn't in a position to now pay much more.

Is it really any different to buying a second hand ring?

GroggyLegs · 17/11/2021 23:09

I'd urge caution when going to a porn shop & asking how much for your ring.

Blush
timeisnotaline · 17/11/2021 23:13

I wouldn’t see this issue as closable until I had a new ring.

Overtired201984 · 17/11/2021 23:43

Yep I think that’s awful !!!! He was so wrong to do that .

Ddot · 18/11/2021 00:00

GreyhoundG1rl
What's wrong with porn shops exactly.
Already said she cant afford something extravagant so why not. Yes it's still second hand but it didn't belong to his ex that's the point.

GreyhoundG1rl · 18/11/2021 00:05

Sorry, that was probably a cheap shot...
Nothing wrong with pawn shops at all.

calvados · 18/11/2021 00:17

If it feels wrong then it is wrong… that’s all that matters. Talk to him and replace it. He will understand and accept it if you talk to him and explain why you feel like you do. Then close that chapter and move on.

DerAlteMann · 18/11/2021 00:18

DM's engagement ring was originally my uncle's ex-fiance's. When she gave it back he sold it to my DF. When she found out, it took years for DM to forgive DF. YANBU.

Kinko · 18/11/2021 00:25

The fact he lied means he knew it was a shitty thing to do at the time but did it anyway. If he was just a stupid but ultimately well meaning type of guy - he wouldn't of lied, he'd have just said at the time - yeah it's the same ring. So if you're post had started with my fiancee has just given me the ring he gave to ex-fiancee and doesn't understand why I'm upset, you'd have had a lot of helpful suggestions for a compromise and encouragement to see it from his side (expensive item, doesn't understand the sentimental significance etc etc).

But he lied, so he knew it was wrong and he knew you wouldn't like it, but he did it anyway - that there is the betrayal of your trust.

I honestly don't know how you get past this but I hope you can for the sake of the kids.

Kinko · 18/11/2021 00:35

@Bowlofcereal

This wouldn't upset me.

A close friend proposed a few years ago to a girlfriend with a very expensive Cartier ring. He would get back a tiny fraction of the cost if he returned it or sold it on, not to mention the enormous risk of being scammed if you tried to do it privately. So it sits at home in a drawer. He's now in a long term relationship and we've often discussed would you give it to the new girl? Would you have to tell her or would that just cause unnecessary grief?
If he sells it to buy her a new one it'll be a far far cheaper ring, about 30% value.
He isn't in a position to now pay much more.

Is it really any different to buying a second hand ring?

The solution to this is not to discuss it with friends but discuss it with the woman it impacts. He should propose with a dummy ring - I.e a cheap fake diamond from Swarvoski or something. And then have a ring conversation with the woman he wants to marry, explaining the whole scenario, i.e its a beautiful ring and I chose it because I wanted the woman I marry to wear it, however, I understand that my path to getting married hasn't been smooth, but I don't regret that because it led me to you. However, it puts me in a ring predicament - I have xyz amount to buy you a ring with or you can wear this one (show ring). It's entirely your decision because I understand you may have some feelings over this, I'd like you to wear this ring but only if you wanted to because absolutely nothing over-rides your feelings on it, it's more important you have the ring you want to wear, please trust me, I'm coming from a good place.

It's really not that difficult!

StoppinBy · 18/11/2021 00:50

I would be very upset about it, I'm not even sure how I could move past that to be honest.

He lied straight to your face because he knew it was a shitty thing to do.

Almostmenopausal · 18/11/2021 01:36

@GroggyLegs

I'd urge caution when going to a porn shop & asking how much for your ring.

Blush

For your sake, please learn the difference between porn & pawn
TheNestedIf · 18/11/2021 02:29

So this is something that means a lot to you and he's been selfish, cheap, lazy, and sneaky about it?

Think about that, because, in my experience, people like this start as they mean to go on.

Nedclarity · 18/11/2021 03:08

Hang on, she wore it? I assumed he proposed and she said no! I would NOT be in any way ok with that!!

Marvellousmadness · 18/11/2021 06:08

Id be livid
Sell it and buy yourself a new one.

Ddot · 18/11/2021 06:16

Hahaha just realised what I did porn pawn oooops

Ddot · 18/11/2021 06:19

Well his ring his obscene 🤣🤣🤣

Ddot · 18/11/2021 06:21

Oh shit IS OBSCENE

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