Am I being ridiculous? Actually really upset

[Ring222]

Will keep it short.

Married DH a couple of years ago and pretty quickly got pregnant and had DC.

I had my suspicions at the time that the ring DG proposed with was the one he gave his ex (and mother of my SC) which he was given back when they split up years before, they never actually went on to marry, but couldn't quite put my finger on why I thought it.

I knew he had the ring still when we first met as he found it when we were getting rid of a lot of stuff when moving in together. This was about 7 years ago now! The ring sort of disappeared and he said he'd just gotten rid of it.

At the time when he proposed I did wonder, but as I never saw that ring again couldn't really remember exactly what it looked like so couldnt say 100%. On the once or twice it had come up he'd just skirted over what he'd done with it and the box the ring he proposed with was in looked a bit worn. I asked him outright a few months later and he said absolutely not, he got mine from X shop in a town near us and went specifically with a friend to choose it etc etc.

Anyway, long story short it's come to light now that it is the same ring.

I'm actually really pissed off. Not because I'm arsed about having a fancy ring, I'd have been happy with anything. But I'm upset that he lied and tbh I am upset that it's the ring he gave another woman too. I'm embarrassed as well in a way, this is the mother of his kids, who hasn't been the kindest to me, god knows if she has spotted it but if so it makes me cringe. It's the kind of thing she'd take pleasure in knowing that I don't realise.

I'm actually really really annoyed. Is it petty? Am I right to be? Does it matter? I know the lying matters but I'm also pissed off that it's the same ring, would that part bother you as well?

The lying would be enough. But don't underestimate the fact he didn't choose it for you. It's supposed to be a symbolic gesture of your love and commitment. What does it say about him that he couldn't be bothered to get you a ring he thought YOU'D like?

My (admittedly ex) DH chose a ring he thought I'd like and had a symbolic reason behind our relationship. It meant a lot.

Although I understand your point of view, I do think there is another way to look at this. You admit you have grown to like the ring. You have worn it for years now where its first owner only wore it for a few months. Can you look at it in the same way as if you had bought a second hand ring instead? He might have bought it with his ex in mind but his ex returned it when they split up, she didn't want to keep it so it probably wasn't even something she liked. Your connection to the ring, and to your partner, is far greater. Your wedding ring is the important one. If it really bothers you, why not take it to a jeweller and ask them to redesign it to make it definitively yours. And hint that you'd like an eternity ring for your anniversary maybe....

Don't blame you for being annoyed, does his ex know its her old ring? I'd take it off and fling it back at him or take it to cash for gold! I wonder if he had a history of lying because I'd be thinking what else has he lied about? Do you know why they broke up?

Has this ended up in The Fail yet?

I would feel as though i was worthless if i was given that

‘he knew I'd be 'funny' about it ‘

Blame shifting.

He is now making this your fault. Does he always gaslight you in this way?

Just sell it and go an choose something together.

If it was an antique heirloom that first belonged to his great-great grandmother that was being passed down the generations or something, then that would be different, but the ring he bought his ex that she gave back to him?

Oh dear. I can understand why you are dischuffed.

He didn't tell you because he knew you would be 'funny' about it because you and his ex don't get along? He doesn't understand women at all, does he? It didn't occur to him that he was giving you a ring he had specifically chosen with someone else in mind?

Perhaps it was already second-hand when he gave it to her, and that's why she didn't like it or wear it much...

Sell the ring yourself and either buy another or spend the money on something lasting for you. A nice necklace maybe.

I’d fucking bounce the ring off his head!

Don’t blame you. It be upset too especially that he’s lied about it.
I’d say that I’d like to get rid of his ex’s ring and get a new one even if it’s a modestly priced one.

You have every right to be mad, I'd be pissed off too. How mean of him

I would go
Absolutely f*cking beserk about this.
Not just the lie but how bloody lazy.
He could have cashed it in at cash converters & spent the money on a new ring for you. I have a second hand engagement ring, I chose it myself from an auction, it’s not about new or old but what it IS about, is that it was meant to be the symbol of your life coming together, YOURS as a couple. Not leftover slops from his ex who no doubt you were doing enough in supporting him in raising their child, without being given the ring that was supposed to be the symbol of THEIR life together! I am just astonished at his laziness, and he knows it was wrong or he wouldn’t have lied. You’re not over-reacting, I am so upset for you.

I’m usually quite accepting of things and I did think this was going to a complete over reaction, but I agree with you.
The ring is now tarnished with ill feeling and to know that he knew and lied and his ex may know and his parents etc is a shitty exclusion.
He needs to put this right and I think the only way to do it (unless the ring is an heirloom) is to sell the ring and get a ring you like and that is fresh for you.
My own engagement ring is exactly what I wanted and it is pre loved (secondhand in real speak) my partner was a bit surprised when I said where I would like to look for it as he’d assumed I wanted a big glitzy one but I knew what I wanted and he asked me would I be ok with a ring that had been someone else’s? I just thought that whatever the story behind my ring being in the shop it had initially been bought out of love and it represented a previous engagement that could’ve only be happy to start with - and whose to say they didn’t sell it to trade up for a bigger diamond or to buy tickets for an adventure of a lifetime (it’s not worth that much I’m getting giddy lol) - but for all the reasons I state that’s the reason you shouldn’t be wearing his exes ring.

It has to be said that men don’t see things the same way as women and he probably didn’t realise that giving you the same ring would be hurtful. Even if it’s a lovely ring, it would have been better if he had maybe traded it in towards the cost of getting you a new one. But like I said men just done realise how important these things are to us. However the fact that he lied to you is a different matter, which I would be concerned about.

Third times the charm.

I'd give him it back. There was no need to lie, especially as he must know how upset you would be. He looked you square in the face and lied. How did he think you wouldn't find out. Either he's stupid or he thinks you are!

Also - gentlemen do not ask for rings back.

I've just been talking to my dh about this and he saw nothing wrong with your dh giving you the same ring....his words 'why waste a good ring?' I told him that if he had given me a ring that he gave his ex fiancee I would be showing him the door unless he got me a new ring....he asked why if it cost alot? My response was, 'It's not about the cost of said ring it's what said ring represents'. I would tell your dh to sell the ring and whatever he gets for it to get me a new one with that.....even a £50 cubic zirconia would have more meaning if he had chosen that ring for me, not give me his exes ring.

I would be really upset. Whatever was he thinking! xx

He did realise. That's why he lied. He knew it was shameful. Anyone would say that is shameful. No person alive would think that is acceptable unless you agreed. Can't see that ever happening.

Clearly it's not worth breaking up over, but he really is a prized idiot and has totally trashed any sentiment in choosing and giving you the ring.

I can't even find any way to salvage the situation really other than maybe getting a new setting for the stone(s) if super valuable? But assume damage is already done for you.

I'd not be wearing it and would be anticipating a replacement. And a very large apology. And would be telling him that if anyone asks why you're not wearing it, you'll explain why. I imagine that will help him think straight.

I completely & utterly understand how you feel. Ilike vintage & pre-owned jwellery HOWEVER theres a big difference. I wouldnt want to be wearing a ring that my now DH gave to his previous fiancee (My DH actually has a ex fiancee from 25 + years ago) - no idea what ring she had - i dont care but I would not want to be wearing it.

What also I would understandably be upset about is that you asked outright & he lied.

I am not a fan of Duke of Cambridge giving his Mothers engagement ring to Catherine - his parents were divorced however I can underdstand that there is history & also his feelings about the ring which I wont know but Catherine will. However if they split up I wouldnt wan to be given the ring as his new fiancee.

I am sorry. I dont know you but I am upset on your behalf - he had lots of other options open to him even the one where after asking you to mary him he could have shown yuo the ex ring and said he was going to sell it to put towards a special ring for you - at that point if you had really loved it you could havemade the decision to wear it .

YANBU at all, and I'm not the sentimental type.

He lied about it.
He clearly fully intended to give you this ring, knowing full well you'd be upset about it.
He 'apologised' by blaming it on you, saying he knew you'd be 'funny' about it 'because if your relationship with his ex'.

Nope. Anyone would be upset about this, even if they were friends with the ex! He's a cheap, sly, inconsiderate arse.

Sell it and choose another in its place. To be honest, I wouldn't like the idea of someone producing a wedding ring anyway. I'd much rather choose it myself.

Unfortunately, that's a big lie. I would find it hard to trust him again, if he could lie about that he could lie about anything.

I’d be giving the ring back to him saying he’d better keep it safe to use for his third wife!

He should buy you a new ring. Keep the other one and wear it on the other hand or at parties or whatever as it’s a nice ring. But yes he should get you a new one!