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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being ridiculous? Actually really upset

323 replies

Ring222 · 16/11/2021 14:56

Will keep it short.

Married DH a couple of years ago and pretty quickly got pregnant and had DC.

I had my suspicions at the time that the ring DG proposed with was the one he gave his ex (and mother of my SC) which he was given back when they split up years before, they never actually went on to marry, but couldn't quite put my finger on why I thought it.

I knew he had the ring still when we first met as he found it when we were getting rid of a lot of stuff when moving in together. This was about 7 years ago now! The ring sort of disappeared and he said he'd just gotten rid of it.

At the time when he proposed I did wonder, but as I never saw that ring again couldn't really remember exactly what it looked like so couldnt say 100%. On the once or twice it had come up he'd just skirted over what he'd done with it and the box the ring he proposed with was in looked a bit worn. I asked him outright a few months later and he said absolutely not, he got mine from X shop in a town near us and went specifically with a friend to choose it etc etc.

Anyway, long story short it's come to light now that it is the same ring.

I'm actually really pissed off. Not because I'm arsed about having a fancy ring, I'd have been happy with anything. But I'm upset that he lied and tbh I am upset that it's the ring he gave another woman too. I'm embarrassed as well in a way, this is the mother of his kids, who hasn't been the kindest to me, god knows if she has spotted it but if so it makes me cringe. It's the kind of thing she'd take pleasure in knowing that I don't realise.

I'm actually really really annoyed. Is it petty? Am I right to be? Does it matter? I know the lying matters but I'm also pissed off that it's the same ring, would that part bother you as well?

OP posts:
Ohpulltheotherone · 16/11/2021 15:09

Id be livid.

Firstly yes it IS a waste of a perfectly good ring if they never ended up getting wed but that’s life. You take this stuff on the chin and move on. You write it off as a loss.

You don’t give it to your next girlfriend.
It’s just not what you do.

And you don’t lie about it either.

He’s not told a small white lie. He’s told a whopper - over and over with embellished details too. He didn’t just accidentally lie and not correct himself. He’s been incredibly deceitful.

Id be absolutely furious.

If you’re willing to stay with him then he needs to replace your ring at the earliest opportunity and spend the next 10 year grovelling. And if he won’t - well I’d be seriously reconsidering staying with someone who finds it a) that easy to lie b) refuses to acknowledge how deceitful they’ve been

Original poster
Ring222 · 16/11/2021 15:10

That has surely broken your trust. Which is far more damaging to your marriage than a ring

This is true, I think I'm just avoiding thinking about this part because it has affected my trust.

OP posts:
Pennguin · 16/11/2021 15:11

I would be really hurt by this. I actually think it's even worse that you've found out so many years later as it means he's kept up the lie for years. How has he reacted? Was he apologetic or defensive?

Original poster
Ring222 · 16/11/2021 15:12

@Interrobanger

How did you find out?
I was getting rid of some things and found the box, I've not really looked at it since he proposed as I've always worn it. Remembered how worn it looked and the name inside didn't match the shop he said he got it from. pressed him again and he told me in the end.
OP posts:
PingedPotato · 16/11/2021 15:14

How did he react when he got caught out. He has lied and betrayed your trust. I would find it hard to move on from this.

AgathaAllAlong · 16/11/2021 15:16

An engagement ring is something you wear everyday for ever. The least he can do is choose one with you specifically in mind. That's what would hurt: that you think I should wear this for the rest of my life, but couldn't be bothered to choose something specifically for me. It should be personal, a gift to you - not just some ring he had lying around. The lie obviously makes it a thousand times worse.

When I was a child my dad bought me a really nice notebook, so perfect for me, with my favourite animal on. I kept it for years thinking it really showed he knew me. Then it turned out he'd bought my sister the exact same one, it didn't fit her personality and she didn't like that animal. The gift hadn't been personal at all, it just so happened to be the one he picked up. Obviously this was fine, a notebook doesn't have to be personal, but it devalued the gift completely. On a completely different scale of course but it's similar - An engagement ring should be personal and valuable precisely because it's personal.

Megan2018 · 16/11/2021 15:17

I'd be livid, it's the lies rather than the ring. I'm not sure I could get past that.

On a practical note if it's got a nice stone/s you could investigate getting it re-set instead of a totally brand new ring. No-one can tell if the diamond isn't new. But obviously you may not want the stone (or the lying bastard) either now.

Original poster
Ring222 · 16/11/2021 15:17

He was apologetic about the lie.

But he doesn't think there is anything wrong in using the same ring, he said he couldn't afford one as nice as that at the time but he knew I'd be 'funny' about it as me and his ex always had a bee in our bonnets about each other at the time apparently. She barely wore it according to him and only had it for a few months before they split.

OP posts:
PingedPotato · 16/11/2021 15:19

What a dick. Classic..sorry but..

ShowMeHow · 16/11/2021 15:20

That is so many sorts of wrong 😑

CrackersDontMatter · 16/11/2021 15:20

If it was about money I would have gone without before wearing his ex's ring. Yanbu.

CruellaDeVilla · 16/11/2021 15:21

@Ring222

I think I might ask him to buy me another. I think he would. I like wearing an engagement ring. I'm actually really sad that this has come to light as I really like the ring but now don't want to wear it.
That’s what I’d do YANBU
peboh · 16/11/2021 15:22

I don't even necessarily think the issue is using the other ring to propose, it's that he didn't talk to you to know if you'd be okay with it, and then lied to you when you asked.
He's broken your trust.

kidsatuniemptynester · 16/11/2021 15:23

As most have already said, the lies are the worst part. Why not have the ring re-modelled if you like the component parts of it so to speak? Make something you really like.

nanbread · 16/11/2021 15:24

I'm usually a "stuff is just stuff" person but would be pretty gutted at this.

Agree you should sell it and buy a new one you love. This one will be tainted for you now.

impossible · 16/11/2021 15:26

Annoying and disappointing that he should have lied - he obviously knew it would bother you which is why he was evasive. I would replace the ring, make sure he understands why and, if your relationship is otherwise good, move on. You could swap the ring or use it in part payment for the replacement.

MaggieFS · 16/11/2021 15:27

I'd be so hurt. And that's worse for me than being angry. He needs to understand how you feel and make it up to you.

CrackersDontMatter · 16/11/2021 15:29

I've just read back and he said he lied because he "knew you'd be funny about it" I'd find that really hard to forgive.

The whole thing would make me feel like I'm filling a vacancy rather than that he valued me as a different and individual person. That might not be the case of course but that is how I would feel. I'd never wear it again.

NotImpossible · 16/11/2021 15:30

I'm normally the most practical, logical, non-emotional person possible when it comes to this sort of thing (and I love saving money) but this would bother me too. And the lies. I'd be seriously pissed off OP.

peachesarenom · 16/11/2021 15:30

Both parts would hurt me. If it were me I'd demand a new ring at the very least I'd refuse to wear it. I would feel very hurt tbh.

sweetgingercat · 16/11/2021 15:31

Yes I'd be annoyed. I'd ask for a new one that has no connection to the mother of his kids and I'd suggest giving that one to his daughter. Or selling it.

But what to do about the trust that has gone? Or that he seems to value you so little that he'd give you her ring and then lie about it. I don't know what I'd do about that...

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 16/11/2021 15:32

Id dump someone for that and marriage would be off the table.
Tell him to go and find a cheap girlfriend. I hope you have aenough self respect not to settle for this.
I won't marry bare faced liars either. It doesn't bode well and shows no respect for you.

Chimley · 16/11/2021 15:33

You are not being ridiculous. I actually asked DH to stop wearing a non wedding ring his ex had given him as I didn't like the constant reminder. if he'd proposed with her ring 🤯

gogohm · 16/11/2021 15:33

It seems wrong unless it's a family heirloom in which case it's irrelevant.

rosesinmygarden · 16/11/2021 15:33

@Ring222

He was apologetic about the lie.

But he doesn't think there is anything wrong in using the same ring, he said he couldn't afford one as nice as that at the time but he knew I'd be 'funny' about it as me and his ex always had a bee in our bonnets about each other at the time apparently. She barely wore it according to him and only had it for a few months before they split.

So he's making it your fault that he 'needed' to lie?