Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being ridiculous? Actually really upset

323 replies

Ring222 · 16/11/2021 14:56

Will keep it short.

Married DH a couple of years ago and pretty quickly got pregnant and had DC.

I had my suspicions at the time that the ring DG proposed with was the one he gave his ex (and mother of my SC) which he was given back when they split up years before, they never actually went on to marry, but couldn't quite put my finger on why I thought it.

I knew he had the ring still when we first met as he found it when we were getting rid of a lot of stuff when moving in together. This was about 7 years ago now! The ring sort of disappeared and he said he'd just gotten rid of it.

At the time when he proposed I did wonder, but as I never saw that ring again couldn't really remember exactly what it looked like so couldnt say 100%. On the once or twice it had come up he'd just skirted over what he'd done with it and the box the ring he proposed with was in looked a bit worn. I asked him outright a few months later and he said absolutely not, he got mine from X shop in a town near us and went specifically with a friend to choose it etc etc.

Anyway, long story short it's come to light now that it is the same ring.

I'm actually really pissed off. Not because I'm arsed about having a fancy ring, I'd have been happy with anything. But I'm upset that he lied and tbh I am upset that it's the ring he gave another woman too. I'm embarrassed as well in a way, this is the mother of his kids, who hasn't been the kindest to me, god knows if she has spotted it but if so it makes me cringe. It's the kind of thing she'd take pleasure in knowing that I don't realise.

I'm actually really really annoyed. Is it petty? Am I right to be? Does it matter? I know the lying matters but I'm also pissed off that it's the same ring, would that part bother you as well?

OP posts:
TurquoiseDragon · 16/11/2021 19:59

@SunshineCake1

Would have been better to say in the OP you've already married him.
Married DH a couple of years ago and pretty quickly got pregnant and had DC.

OP did, second line in.

Newbabynewhouse · 16/11/2021 20:03

Id be so pissed off.. mainly with the lying! And as another PP said.. why didnt he just sell it then get another one... very odd...

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 16/11/2021 20:04

I’m not sure I could marry someone so thoughtless and who found it so easy to lie to my face like that

Martyitsyourkids · 16/11/2021 20:12

YaDnbu! I'd be hurt and upset too, about the lie especially. It makes the gesture less special...he hasn't gone out and picked your ring with you in mind...wondered will you like it, what it will look like on your finger etc....he'd already done that with his ex 😟 even though no emotional connection to her now, it once held one to her. 💐
I'm sure he doesn't get all that and he loves you deeply, but he's been a real idiot.

Newbabynewhouse · 16/11/2021 20:14

@RazzleTitz

Thats a lovely story for your friend but its different in my mind... your friend chose that dress for herself for HER wedding... the OP's husband chose the ring for his ex and proposed with it, placed it on his exes finger and she wore it! Then she split with him and gave the ring back.. her then gave it to OP ... its not the same..

CurlsandCurves · 16/11/2021 20:15

When he bought that ring, he had someone else in mind for it. The ring was never meant for you, it was want for his ex. Can he not see how hurtful that is?

Morgoth · 16/11/2021 20:23

YADNBU. I’d be so hurt and embarrassed and upset. I wouldn’t be able to go through with marrying that person (though I know you’ve both been married a long time now) as I would never be able to trust him and it would show that he didn’t value or care about me. What he’s done is utterly disgraceful.

Hugoslavia · 16/11/2021 20:28

Well, I would take it off and hand it back to him and say that it was not about the ring, but the thought that went into it, but in his case, clearly a total lack of thought or effort and that you see that as a reflection of your relationship. I suppose the only justification (if he hadn't lied) would have been if he had inherited it, rather than bought it.

Lottle · 16/11/2021 20:28

I feel really sad for you. Yadnbu

Hugoslavia · 16/11/2021 20:33

Btw, I think that he also owes you an engagement weekend away in a nice hotel when he reproposes. Just a thought though, but how about instead of an engagement ring, you view your new replacement one as a post marriage/mother of his child gift.

MizzFizz · 16/11/2021 20:39

YANBU. An engagement ring is a symbol, and that ring was full of inappropriate (to say the least!) symbolism. What on earth was he thinking?!?

Skatastic · 16/11/2021 20:40

I would bounce that ring off his head. What a selfish bastard he is. Selfish and thoughtless. And a liar!

Garriet · 16/11/2021 20:41

Oof.

I’m a pretty chilled out person normally, but my goodness, this would send me potty.I’d be so upset.

Honestly not only could I not wear the ring any more but I couldn’t wear the metal and stones even if redesigned, because they’d been on the finger of another woman that my husband once wanted to marry and chose and purchased them for. I couldn’t ever see them as symbolic of our own love.

He owes you a very nice eternity ring in its place, I’d say. And a huge apology for the lie.

Lightisnotwhite · 16/11/2021 20:43

Awful. The ring is as much symbolic as about its value. That you are intended to be together with all the faith and trust involved in that.
Lying to you because he’d given it to another women first? Zero trust or respect there. As a PP said he lied because he knew it was wrong.

Get him to choose another. He should be doing that off his own back now he’s busted. And you spend the money from that first ring on something for yourself.

SpaceshiptoMars · 16/11/2021 20:49

To those saying the first wearer of the ring would be smirking. Really? I'd bet she would be equally distressed. Was nothing sacred?

SplodgeWaddler · 16/11/2021 20:53

Well it sounds like his ex is well shot of him 😆

WashingtonSquare · 16/11/2021 20:57

I’d find this hard to get past.

If you stay do not ever wear the ring again, I’d also take off my wedding ring.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 16/11/2021 21:03

Eeek - I would be so upset too. Its one thing if it is a family heirloom but another if he just could not be arsed to get another.

OnTheBoardwalk · 16/11/2021 21:10

I'd be annoyed as well

Absolutely get yourself a new ring, one that you like. Thing that would annoy me is that it’s joint money now rather than him buying the ring for you out of his own money you are paying for it as well

As well as the new ring you need to buy yourself something of equal value out of the joint funds to make it fair

Summerfun54321 · 16/11/2021 21:16

I think I’d struggle to fully trust my DH again after a lie like that. It’s such a casual pointless, premeditated lie that really didn’t need to be told.

Summerfun54321 · 16/11/2021 21:18

And don’t buy yourself a new ring. A ring is symbolic and there’s fuck all symbolism in buying your own engagement ring after your DH fucked up.

PandaP0p · 16/11/2021 21:21

As you're already married - and I'm presuming happily married - I'd simply remove the ring, drop it in his hand and tell him you won't be wearing it as you don't want his ex partners cast offs and you especially don't want them when you weren't aware

I'd then leave it up to him what he chooses to do.

Gilly12345 · 16/11/2021 21:26

He is a lying cheap bloke.

I personally would want to go shopping and buy new.

Willyoujustbequiet · 16/11/2021 21:34

I'm not sure I could get over this.

It's a bare faced lie. What else does he lie about? How could you ever trust him?

His actions show you you mean very little to him as an individual. You simply fill a role. Unforgivable.

billy1966 · 16/11/2021 21:35

@grapewine

It's not about a ring, it's about a huge lie and the horrible fact that he let you wear it in front of her - I'd find that kind of humiliation really REALLY hard to forgive.

Yep. So humiliating. He's a complete fucker.

This.

He is really cheap.

I'd have foregone a ring in this situation.

He lied because he knew it was cheap and crass.