Am I being ridiculous? Actually really upset

[Ring222]

Will keep it short.

Married DH a couple of years ago and pretty quickly got pregnant and had DC.

I had my suspicions at the time that the ring DG proposed with was the one he gave his ex (and mother of my SC) which he was given back when they split up years before, they never actually went on to marry, but couldn't quite put my finger on why I thought it.

I knew he had the ring still when we first met as he found it when we were getting rid of a lot of stuff when moving in together. This was about 7 years ago now! The ring sort of disappeared and he said he'd just gotten rid of it.

At the time when he proposed I did wonder, but as I never saw that ring again couldn't really remember exactly what it looked like so couldnt say 100%. On the once or twice it had come up he'd just skirted over what he'd done with it and the box the ring he proposed with was in looked a bit worn. I asked him outright a few months later and he said absolutely not, he got mine from X shop in a town near us and went specifically with a friend to choose it etc etc.

Anyway, long story short it's come to light now that it is the same ring.

I'm actually really pissed off. Not because I'm arsed about having a fancy ring, I'd have been happy with anything. But I'm upset that he lied and tbh I am upset that it's the ring he gave another woman too. I'm embarrassed as well in a way, this is the mother of his kids, who hasn't been the kindest to me, god knows if she has spotted it but if so it makes me cringe. It's the kind of thing she'd take pleasure in knowing that I don't realise.

I'm actually really really annoyed. Is it petty? Am I right to be? Does it matter? I know the lying matters but I'm also pissed off that it's the same ring, would that part bother you as well?

@lazylinguist

YANBU at all, and I'm not the sentimental type.

He lied about it.
He clearly fully intended to give you this ring, knowing full well you'd be upset about it.
He 'apologised' by blaming it on you, saying he knew you'd be 'funny' about it 'because if your relationship with his ex'.

Nope. Anyone would be upset about this, even if they were friends with the ex! He's a cheap, sly, inconsiderate arse.

He also seems to have found it very easy to lie about it. What else has he lied about?? You'll probably never know.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I would have him turn in both the engagement ring and your wedding band and buy a new set that you love and that go perfectly together.

I 100% understand why you’re upset!

I would be too. I’d buy my own engagement ring to be fair.

I love my ring. Wasn’t expensive at all and it’s really unique. But it’s my most precious thing ever. I absolutely adore it because my husband chose it for me. He sat down. He thought about it and chose it. So it’s got true meaning behind it.

The only problem with him buying a new ring, is that it isn't just his money any more. he has a family.

And they might not be able to afford it.

Would you consider exchange it for new one at a local jewelers? (Get him to pay for difference)

Unsure of your financial circumstances, perhaps if he did not have the money at the time....

Jewellery is such a personal item, especially an engagement ring. Get something you like instead...

Don't let that make you feel less than you deserve 💐

How did you eventually find out ?

That is horrible OP.
He's cheap, horrid, nasty and doesn't value you. I'd be heartbroken if that happened to me.

I would be annoyed as well . Take it off and tell him to sell it and put the money towards a new one . Plus take you out somewhere nice to put it on your finger. He has a lot of apologising to do.

Just no.
I’d die of embarrassment and heartbreak.
I think the “this’ll do “attitude of men is not shocking to us women- but you think and engagement ring is hard to mess up?
To keep lying and say he was shopping with a pal etc? And his ex, no doubt snickering when she saw it?
This is not about being materialistic,either.
The whole point , is they’re supposed to be showing you what they think of you and can provide for you - and he didn’t ! He gave you around he intended for another!

You must insist that he trade it in ( this isn’t hard- he obviously just couldn’t be arsed) and buy you a new one. For you alone. Because you are his wife. If you would be satisfied, you could keep the stones but get a different setting?

Agree he’s broken your trust , too if course!
Were you bothered very young? I can’t imagine why he thought this was ok?( apart from saying a ring bought for you at the time wouldn’t be as expensive?man logic. Wtf)

I’d expect an new or updated ring under the Christmas tree, and fck it : an eternity ring for the other hand as promise he won’t fuk up again

But he doesn't think there is anything wrong in using the same ring

So why did he lie?

What else has he lied about?

I'd expect him to be prepared to sell it and buy one that you choose or at least have it remodelled if you like the components.

Anything else...

What a horrible lie. What else is he lying about? I would take it off and refuse to wear it.

@Nanny0gg

The only problem with him buying a new ring, is that it isn't just his money any more. he has a family.

And they might not be able to afford it.

I was going to say this.

It’s all very well to say that the OP should get it remade or upgrade and put the difference on her husband’s credit card - but his debt is their family’s debt. This is money that they might need to use for something else.

I’d be upset about this and would probably not wear the ring any more.

I’d be p’d off because of the lies. Have you thought about getting it reset to your design? Or selling it and buying a new one?
If anyone asked about it, I remember an older relative doing it and when questioned she replied “the first was for the woman I was, this is for the woman I became”

@Tigger1895

I’d be p’d off because of the lies. Have you thought about getting it reset to your design? Or selling it and buying a new one? If anyone asked about it, I remember an older relative doing it and when questioned she replied “the first was for the woman I was, this is for the woman I became”

That's such a lovely comment by your relative. I think I might get mine done just so I can say that.

100% agree with you, OP. YADNBU

@Tigger1895

I’d be p’d off because of the lies. Have you thought about getting it reset to your design? Or selling it and buying a new one? If anyone asked about it, I remember an older relative doing it and when questioned she replied “the first was for the woman I was, this is for the woman I became”

Yeah the one that needs a big fat blingy one 😂

An engagement ring is nothing if not symbolic. YANBU

I don't know if it's because I'm older than a lot of the posters here (i.e. menopausal, and a bit more 'don't give a shit'-ish) - but I would just laugh if this came to light. I couldn't get worked out about it. It's just a ring. What he's like as a husband and a human being is more important. I know one could counter that with "well, he's a liar for starters" - but in my experience, people lie either because they don't have the energy and inclination for drama, or because they start out by lying and it then becomes difficult to backtrack.

If everything else is ok, I really wouldn't worry about it.

My husband didn't actually propose, we just sort of decided it was happening. Been married for 36 years. When we were moving he found the ring he had given his ex and said, "Do you want this." No actually I didn't.

He's not a romantic soul. One year he said we'd go out for a meal for my birthday, imagine how touched when we got to the chippy.

On the other hand he will randomly say he's got money left over this month and give me £200 and tell me to buy myself something.

Swings and roundabouts I guess.

He used his ex partner's ring
He lied
He made it your fault he lied
Prick

I'm 57, @KnightError, and this would upset me, especially if I had liked the ring all those years and believed it had been specially chosen with me in mind by my husband.

The lies over many years would have upset me too. And this is a big lie. The blaming for the lie is a big problem too.

Sometimes a small incident reveals a character trait that makes you really cautious about trusting a person and can make everything else that seemed ok feel not so ok afterwards.

He decided he couldn’t be arsed to find you a ring, and wanted to get value from the one he’d already bought. He knew you’d be horrified at the idea so lied to you repeatedly. Not good, is it?

Sell the ring, give him the money and ask him to put some effort in and choose a ring for you. Also, tell him that’s what he should have done in the first place, lazy, stingy liar that he is.

YADNBU to be upset. It shows a lack of respect for you in all ways.

@mathanxiety

I'm 57, *@KnightError*, and this would upset me, especially if I had liked the ring all those years and believed it had been specially chosen with me in mind by my husband.

The lies over many years would have upset me too. And this is a big lie. The blaming for the lie is a big problem too.

Sometimes a small incident reveals a character trait that makes you really cautious about trusting a person and can make everything else that seemed ok feel not so ok afterwards.

I can see that, too!

I suppose that, for me, it just wouldn't be a big deal. However, I don't think I could be happy with anyone who didn't have a bit of a sense of humour about being found out to have done something a bit dickish. I don't think it would make me reconsider the entire basis of our relationship.

Though I'm in a MN minority, in that I don't think couples should always tell one another absolutely everything. I think that sometimes a bit of 'not saying' goes a long way - not if it's an affair or redundancy or some huge thing, but there are lots of little things that the other person doesn't need to know. Otherwise life would be one long drama, and I just cba with that.

I love preloved (2nd hand) jewellery. It has history and I like that.
However if this ring was given under false circumstances, I’d be fuming.

You could tell him your thoughts, then if your suspicions are correct - buy another and give this ring to his daughter when she’s older.
I’d be cross at the deception.

It would of been better for a new ring for a different person, than just recycling an attempted to be used ring.