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Original poster

Am I being ridiculous? Actually really upset

323 replies

Ring222 · 16/11/2021 14:56

Will keep it short.

Married DH a couple of years ago and pretty quickly got pregnant and had DC.

I had my suspicions at the time that the ring DG proposed with was the one he gave his ex (and mother of my SC) which he was given back when they split up years before, they never actually went on to marry, but couldn't quite put my finger on why I thought it.

I knew he had the ring still when we first met as he found it when we were getting rid of a lot of stuff when moving in together. This was about 7 years ago now! The ring sort of disappeared and he said he'd just gotten rid of it.

At the time when he proposed I did wonder, but as I never saw that ring again couldn't really remember exactly what it looked like so couldnt say 100%. On the once or twice it had come up he'd just skirted over what he'd done with it and the box the ring he proposed with was in looked a bit worn. I asked him outright a few months later and he said absolutely not, he got mine from X shop in a town near us and went specifically with a friend to choose it etc etc.

Anyway, long story short it's come to light now that it is the same ring.

I'm actually really pissed off. Not because I'm arsed about having a fancy ring, I'd have been happy with anything. But I'm upset that he lied and tbh I am upset that it's the ring he gave another woman too. I'm embarrassed as well in a way, this is the mother of his kids, who hasn't been the kindest to me, god knows if she has spotted it but if so it makes me cringe. It's the kind of thing she'd take pleasure in knowing that I don't realise.

I'm actually really really annoyed. Is it petty? Am I right to be? Does it matter? I know the lying matters but I'm also pissed off that it's the same ring, would that part bother you as well?

OP posts:
starrynight87 · 16/11/2021 14:57

I would be hurt too, from the lie and the gesture.

AFS1 · 16/11/2021 14:58

It would really bother me too. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

EerieSilence · 16/11/2021 14:58

I would be pissed off. He could have sold it off and buy you a new one or have this one altered but definitely, recycling a ring is a big no and I am not a big jewelry person, in fact my ring was about 500 quid or something. But it was new.

frazzledasarock · 16/11/2021 14:59

I'd feel the same.

He sounds lazy and thoughtless at best.

Go to the jewellers and get it swapped for something you want, add in some money and get it upgraded.

Original poster
Ring222 · 16/11/2021 14:59

It's a lovely ring and I get the unemotional logic of why waste it/not being able to afford another one as nice so why not. But that's just not how my head works, it just feels wrong now Sad

OP posts:
Interrobanger · 16/11/2021 14:59

That’s awful. Not only is he a cheap bastard but he lied and lied and lied to your face.

I’d find that very difficult to get past b

DreadingChristmasAlready · 16/11/2021 15:00

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. The lie and the ring are both acts of an arsehole in my view.

HaggisBurger · 16/11/2021 15:00

You’re right to be really pissed off. He openly
lied about something as important as your engagement. That’s messed up. I’d question his overall integrity and the relationship

GayParis · 16/11/2021 15:01

I'd be more annoyed that he lied than tried to recycle a ring.

I could understand (though still wouldn't be happy mind you) why he would want to use a perfectly good ring if a new one would cost a lot.

But, I'd be so disappointed in him lying and it would make the ring recycling seem 10x worse!

Original poster
Ring222 · 16/11/2021 15:02

Thanks. I wish I'd pushed more about it at the time.

It almost feels like I shouldn't be as annoyed about it now when we're years down the line but I am!

OP posts:
TheAverageUser · 16/11/2021 15:02

I normally wouldn't get riled by much but this would be so hurtful. Most importantly he lied but you also deserve your own ring. I'm not sure what I'd do but so upsetting!

MilitantFawcett · 16/11/2021 15:03

It would really bother me, even though I’m absolutely not sentimental about those kinds of things (I’ve upgraded my rings over the years for example). The lie would be the biggest issue for me, he obviously realised he’d mucked up so why not just ‘fess up? Are you still wearing it?

steppemum · 16/11/2021 15:03

bloody hell that would really upset me.

As you say, nothing to do with cost/look of the ring, all to do with lying.

I would give him the ring back, and stop wearing one altogether.
Just my wedding ring.

Original poster
Ring222 · 16/11/2021 15:05

I think I might ask him to buy me another. I think he would. I like wearing an engagement ring. I'm actually really sad that this has come to light as I really like the ring but now don't want to wear it.

OP posts:
Interrobanger · 16/11/2021 15:05

Sell the ring and buy yourself the ring that you want.

If he’s got anything to say about it, tell him to fuck off.

Interrobanger · 16/11/2021 15:05

How did you find out?

Laila747 · 16/11/2021 15:06

I’d feel majorly hurt OP. Like you, I’m not worried about how much my engagement ring cost but if my OH gave me a ring he’d chosen and given to someone else…I’d be giving it right back. He could have sold it and used the money to buy one for you.
Also, the fact he lied about it on numerous occasions would piss me off.

Anycolourwilldo · 16/11/2021 15:06

This would have really pissed him off. You've got every right to be annoyed with him.

Alpacalunchbox · 16/11/2021 15:06

That’s not on! I’d be so hurt and embarrassed but the elaborate lie is the worst part. My engagement ring belonged to my husbands grandmother which I think is lovely and I love that it has a history, but this is so different

Anycolourwilldo · 16/11/2021 15:06

*pissed me off! (Not him...). Soz

Gazelda · 16/11/2021 15:08

@steppemum

bloody hell that would really upset me.

As you say, nothing to do with cost/look of the ring, all to do with lying.

I would give him the ring back, and stop wearing one altogether.
Just my wedding ring.

Definitely this. I really couldn't bring myself to wear the ring again.

Maybe I'm over-thinking this, but what if one of your SC is female and you don't have any female children. Do you leave the ring up your SD in your will? I'm afraid I would always feel the ring is his first fiancee's rather than your own.

But he knew this was a bad move. And so he lied. Repeatedly. He lied to cover something he was embarrassed about. That has surely broken your trust. Which is far more damaging to your marriage than a ring.

Original poster
Ring222 · 16/11/2021 15:08

And I specifically got a very plain and small wedding ring as the engagement one was quite 'blingy' for me and I don't like too much but they went together perfectly. I really would like the ring still as it just looks so nice together but yeah I can't wear it now Sad

I probably sound like veruca salt or something but I might insist he buys me another one to go with my wedding ring.

OP posts:
Vapeyvapevape · 16/11/2021 15:08

I’d be upset too by the lies and his thinking that this’ll do without putting any thought into buying a ring specifically for you .

Backstreetsbackalrightdadada · 16/11/2021 15:08

Why did he not just sell it and buy another? That would annoy me no end, it’s supposed to be personal to you or at least some effort (as is any gift or romantic gesture). Doesn’t need to be pricey but he should have given it some thought

Tal45 · 16/11/2021 15:09

The lying about it would be the worst thing for me. If he didn't see a problem with it then there was no reason to lie so he obviously knew it was wrong but didn't care. I'd rather have a dead cheap ring then an ex's.