Am I being ridiculous? Actually really upset

[Ring222]

Will keep it short.

Married DH a couple of years ago and pretty quickly got pregnant and had DC.

I had my suspicions at the time that the ring DG proposed with was the one he gave his ex (and mother of my SC) which he was given back when they split up years before, they never actually went on to marry, but couldn't quite put my finger on why I thought it.

I knew he had the ring still when we first met as he found it when we were getting rid of a lot of stuff when moving in together. This was about 7 years ago now! The ring sort of disappeared and he said he'd just gotten rid of it.

At the time when he proposed I did wonder, but as I never saw that ring again couldn't really remember exactly what it looked like so couldnt say 100%. On the once or twice it had come up he'd just skirted over what he'd done with it and the box the ring he proposed with was in looked a bit worn. I asked him outright a few months later and he said absolutely not, he got mine from X shop in a town near us and went specifically with a friend to choose it etc etc.

Anyway, long story short it's come to light now that it is the same ring.

I'm actually really pissed off. Not because I'm arsed about having a fancy ring, I'd have been happy with anything. But I'm upset that he lied and tbh I am upset that it's the ring he gave another woman too. I'm embarrassed as well in a way, this is the mother of his kids, who hasn't been the kindest to me, god knows if she has spotted it but if so it makes me cringe. It's the kind of thing she'd take pleasure in knowing that I don't realise.

I'm actually really really annoyed. Is it petty? Am I right to be? Does it matter? I know the lying matters but I'm also pissed off that it's the same ring, would that part bother you as well?

One option is to have the stones reset, I was quoted £160 taking into account selling the gold from the original ring and it would be one of a kind

If you chose a second hand ring then fine. If you accepted a family heirloom then fine. But not a ring that was originally promised to another woman. It's like sloppy seconds. I would be furious tbh. And the fact he lied is like rubbing salt in the wound.

An engagement ring is something that should be chosen with the recipient in mind. Even if ex had Princess Diana’s rock, and the alternative was a speck of a diamond, I’d still rather have something that represented our relationship, not a failed one with someone else!

I’d be absolutely furious about this, like Seriously-reconsidering-our-future furious.

He lied repeatedly and put you in the position of looking daft/humiliated in front of the ex (family and friends?).

I don't think I could forgive how easily he lied and long he lied for. A fucking engagement ring /wedding ring is to show your commitment to one another - including not lying - he couldn't even get that right.

@Tal45

The lying about it would be the worst thing for me. If he didn't see a problem with it then there was no reason to lie so he obviously knew it was wrong but didn't care. I'd rather have a dead cheap ring then an ex's.

Exactly this!!!

My DH was engaged before me and I would feel exactly the same as you had he given me his ex's ring.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Id dump someone for that and marriage would be off the table. Tell him to go and find a cheap girlfriend. I hope you have aenough self respect not to settle for this. I won't marry bare faced liars either. It doesn't bode well and shows no respect for you.

We are already married with DC! He proposed years ago.

@Ring222

It's a lovely ring and I get the unemotional logic of why waste it/not being able to afford another one as nice so why not. But that's just not how my head works, it just feels wrong now

He could have sold it & got hos money back!

You'd probably rather have no ring than a ring that he had already proposed to someone else with!

God it's like the women in his life are interchangeable!

I would be absolutely raging!! Honestly wtf was he thinking? Apart from a grovelling apology I would want a serious whopper of a budget to go and choose myself a new one.

Oh gosh, I would be SO hurt by this - both the recycling but more so the lying. Awful!

And I’d be pissed off about the actual ring itself (to answer your specific query)

How did you finally found out the truth? Does your DH know you know? What did he have to say for himself?

Just reiterating what everyone else has said: If he didn't think it was a problem then he wouldn't have lied.
Everything is wrong about this, the sentiment, the cheapness and ultimately the lie.
If it was a money issue then he could have sold it and used the money to buy you one. I get that men don't always have the same feelings about jewellery and rings, but that's no excuse.

I'd really, really be angry about this. First off because he felt I was so gullible and had so little respect for me that he could lie about it and I'd never figure it out. Second off because who wants to wear a 'cast off' engagement ring from your husband's ex-wife (or ex-fiancee)? If it'd been a family heirloom it'd be different, that wouldn't bother me. Nor would it bother me if he'd had the stones reset. But I'd rather my intended say "I can't afford a ring" than give me his ex-wife's!

I'd sell it (I know, jewelry resale is crap value) and buy myself something else (not a ring) with the money, even if it was something little or simple, like a pair of earrings. As far as him buying me a new engagement ring, IDK. I'm afraid I'd feel it 'tainted' by the deception of the 'old' ring, like it was an 'apology ring'.

That's awful of him to do that, what a stupid man.

Tell him you want an awesome eternity ring and you never want to see that engagement ring again.

@HaggisBurger

And I’d be pissed off about the actual ring itself (to answer your specific query)

How did you finally found out the truth? Does your DH know you know? What did he have to say for himself?

Sorry didn’t see further posts. You’ve answered that.

Tell him he’d have a bloody long search to find ANY woman who wouldn’t be “funny” about wearing their finance’s ex’s ring (as this thread shows). He was suiting himself rather than thinking of you. Plus he’s not even that good a liar. Should have bought a new box, mate.

So he couldn't be bothered to get you a new ring, then lied about it, and now he's not only not sorry about either of those two things but trying to make it your fault by saying he knew you'd have an issue with it and you and the ex 'had a bee in your bonnet about each other'. What a peach.

The reusing a ring sounds like something DH and his family would do. My MIL gave us some kitchen things which were actually wedding gifts to his first wife (and then gave me for DS some baby bits which she gave to DH's ex before DSD was born). Dh's ex wife preferred to pick her own things so never used or took the items. They were just being practical and trying not to waste something that was useful and in good condition but it was hurtful. I can't even imagine how it would feel for someone to do that with a ring.

That's rubbish OP. Really shoddy behaviour from your DH.

He better really make it up to you! And swear he won't lie again, even if he's embarrassed (he's not a little kid).

I am sorry but I would almost see this as a deal breaker - rings are a symbol of love eternity because they are a never ending circle. He lied about the very thing he gave you to ask him to be his life partner? And he never cared if you suffered humilation if his ex was to ever spot it? What other things do you think he'll feel comfortble lying about?

YANBU and I'd be very upset by the lie too. I'd sooner have had no ring in that situation.

He should've sold it and got you a different one. The lie is bad, he knew he was doing something wrong or why would he lie about it. He is trying to backtrack now. He owes you a ring

The bee in your bonnet about each other comment is enraging and he's making excuses to himself. No one would be happy with this even if you liked the ex, this is nothing to do with your relationship to her and him.trying to deflect by saying it is is really low

Oh God, poor you. Would recommend that you have the ring remade/redesigned (and added to) at his (great) expense. My OH gave me a family heirloom but omitted the fact that his previous fiancée had had it first. I didn't discover this until someone I worked with recognised the ring which is pretty eye catching and said 'oh are you engaged to Mr Shove, my friend used to have that ring' You can bet we had an almighty blow up when I got home that night. He's still alive and much better behaved these days...

But he doesn't think there is anything wrong in using the same ring, he said he couldn't afford one as nice as that at the time but he knew I'd be 'funny' about it

Classic deflection. He's saying you're the one causing the problem (hysterical woman) and he was doing something any rational bloke would do.

Does he live in a cave and honestly can't understand why this is so hurtful to you?

Though living in a cave doesn't get him off the hook for persistently lying about it over many years...

I would be really upset, you are not in the slightest BU!!

I’d be upset about the lies but not so much about the ring.
For some people (mainly females) the ring is a massive deal and is a very personal gift but for others is just a symbol to show they want to marry you and it’s just an object to prove that.
The proposal should mean more than the ring.

I would be upset but I wouldn’t end the relationship over it. I’d just ask him to buy you a new ring.