Am I being ridiculous? Actually really upset

[Ring222]

Will keep it short.

Married DH a couple of years ago and pretty quickly got pregnant and had DC.

I had my suspicions at the time that the ring DG proposed with was the one he gave his ex (and mother of my SC) which he was given back when they split up years before, they never actually went on to marry, but couldn't quite put my finger on why I thought it.

I knew he had the ring still when we first met as he found it when we were getting rid of a lot of stuff when moving in together. This was about 7 years ago now! The ring sort of disappeared and he said he'd just gotten rid of it.

At the time when he proposed I did wonder, but as I never saw that ring again couldn't really remember exactly what it looked like so couldnt say 100%. On the once or twice it had come up he'd just skirted over what he'd done with it and the box the ring he proposed with was in looked a bit worn. I asked him outright a few months later and he said absolutely not, he got mine from X shop in a town near us and went specifically with a friend to choose it etc etc.

Anyway, long story short it's come to light now that it is the same ring.

I'm actually really pissed off. Not because I'm arsed about having a fancy ring, I'd have been happy with anything. But I'm upset that he lied and tbh I am upset that it's the ring he gave another woman too. I'm embarrassed as well in a way, this is the mother of his kids, who hasn't been the kindest to me, god knows if she has spotted it but if so it makes me cringe. It's the kind of thing she'd take pleasure in knowing that I don't realise.

I'm actually really really annoyed. Is it petty? Am I right to be? Does it matter? I know the lying matters but I'm also pissed off that it's the same ring, would that part bother you as well?

Make him put do the work and go through the process now.
Start looking at designs and metal types, and plan on reworking it together.
Let him know the laziness and lying is the bigger issue.
Go to several shops together and turn it into something special for both of you.
I’d keep the main stone if trading up not possible.

@CampagVelocet

Why were you badgering him about it? He probably lied because you kept going on about it. It doesn't matter, and anything we can do as a species to be less wasteful is surely a good thing?

It's not 'wasteful' in that way to pass on this ring and get another. The actual ring wouldn't just go in a bin! I'm sure many people (me for one) would be happy choosing and buying a secondhand ring - just not one that had belonged to our partner's ex!

I keep coming back to this. I'd be so hurt that he'd put in time and effort for his ex but then just gave me something she no longer wanted. If she'd kept the ring would he have gone round and asked for it back specifically to give to OP? I doubt it.

My first engagement ring was second hand, I fell in love with it and it was never not mine. It's not about it being second hand.

There's reduce, re-use, recycle - and then there's engagement rings. No, it isn't right.

The function/purpose of an engagement ring is almost entirely symbolic (though it does have done additional purposes like its decorative function and a small amount of financial security for the woman). That's why the story behind it is so important. He's given you a ring which symbolises deception, interchangeability, and disdain for your feelings.

I'd be furious tbh

*some additional purposes

I'm obviously in a tiny minority here.

I don't think you're BU at all, and I completely see why you're upset. But equally I don't think he's a giant arsehole.

You said that he said he couldn't afford anything as nice, so I'm assuming that years ago when he proposed, he wasn't flush with cash. He probably thought it was a beautiful ring, and it would be a shame to give you something "less". If he doesn't attach any importance to the choosing of the ring, and is a more practical type, then it's entirely possible that he was acting in a way that he genuinely thought was OK. After all, many people would recycle a family/vintage ring so what's the difference?

As for the lie.....I agree, not great. But haven't we all told a white lie to save someone's feelings at one time or another? It's not something huge or terrible and I'm honestly bemused by the people saying they would end a good relationship over this. I'd absolutely be pissed off, and explain why, and I'd expect him to put things right now. But at the same time it's possible that he thought that there was no big deal in recycling the same ring and when he realised you might be upset that he'd done that, he fibbed to save your feelings.

Yes he's in the wrong, but I don't think it's terrible. It's just a bit unromantic and thoughtless. Design yourself a new ring now - or get him to do it if you trust his design ideas! - and move on. You say he's apologised and explained that he had no money, I'd be willing to accept that. No point ruining a good relationship over an inconsequential error of judgement.

I know lies are never good, but this isn't a major lie - it's a fib to save someone's feelings and I think that is very different indeed.

Oh, and I think @RuggerHug's idea about saving the ring for a SD is excellent.

Is it a family heirloom? If it was his granny’s old ring it might not be so bad (looking for positives) but still he lied.

I couldn’t wear it. (You’ve got me paranoid about mine now, it is a family ring although actually I adore it so I’ll put it out of my head).

I've a secondhand ring - as we were broke as fuck when we got engaged, but it was my choice to go with it and I got it at a secondhand jewellery store.

But if DP proposed with his ex's ring, I'd be gutted tbh. I'd prefer no ring to one he picked out with another bride in mind.

It's a very grubby thing to do.

.. it’s the smirking his ex must have done to herself when she clocked the ring .. and she would have noticed !! that would really have got me above his lazy lying attitude … take the ring off and make it clear you want him to make the effort and buy you something special that you really like OP - you will feel much better if he steps up xxx

Has there been anything else going on to upset you or is this the only thing?

I'd be unhappy too, but if everything else was great then I think I could get over it, because I would understand his thought process wasn't "oh who cares, she isn't worth the hassle". But if I wasn't totally secure elsewhere, it would probably bother me more.

Go trade it in against one you really like and put the extra on his credit card.

@Ring222

He was apologetic about the lie.

But he doesn't think there is anything wrong in using the same ring, he said he couldn't afford one as nice as that at the time but he knew I'd be 'funny' about it as me and his ex always had a bee in our bonnets about each other at the time apparently. She barely wore it according to him and only had it for a few months before they split.

If there is nothing wrong with doing that then why lie?

As for the lie.....I agree, not great. But haven't we all told a white lie to save someone's feelings at one time or another?

But he didn't lie to save her feelings, he lied to avoid getting any grief. And he embellished the lie with shite about how he bought the ring.

OP, YADNBU, I don't have an engagement ring and never wanted one but the lies and laziness shown by your H would be a turn off for me.

He knows it's wrong, that why he lied. He knew you deserved better so he crafted a lie.

Lying is a BIG thing.

he knew I'd be 'funny' about it as me and his ex always had a bee in our bonnets about each other at the time apparently.

Wow. His respect and regard for you really shines out from his description (not).

@Interrobanger

Sell the ring and buy yourself the ring that you want.

If he’s got anything to say about it, tell him to fuck off.

This is exactly what I would be doing 👍

I would sell it and buy a new one.

It’s your ring now, after all

HRTWT. I wouldn’t be too impressed but to put a positive perspective on it... years ago a friend of a friend who is lovely btw, was engaged to be married, had been with him for years everything was purchased and booked and she called their big white wedding off at the last minute because she wasn’t happy. She moved on very quickly and was married with children a couple of years later. She wore the dress she bought for wedding with her ex, when my friend told me my reaction was ‘did she really? Isn’t that a bit..’ my friend explained that the dress wasn’t wrong, it was THE dress for her, it was the ex that was wrong and so she wore the dress that she loved and she got her happy ever after.

Anyway, now you know. He will always put self-interest (including simple laziness) ahead of you, your feelings, your happiness. Then lie about it to cover up as necessary. Which is fine, because he's right and rational and you're just another crazy woman.

Yeah I'd be incredibly upset. Some may find that petty but it's the lack of thought that your husband put in to proposing and making it special to the two of you that would get me. That coupled with the lie would put him in my bad books for a long time. I think he's got a whole lot of making up to do, he needs to make you feel special snd that this relationship is important and significant to him.

Not a chance in hell I’d be wearing that ring.

YANBU.