Am I being ridiculous? Actually really upset

[Ring222]

Will keep it short.

Married DH a couple of years ago and pretty quickly got pregnant and had DC.

I had my suspicions at the time that the ring DG proposed with was the one he gave his ex (and mother of my SC) which he was given back when they split up years before, they never actually went on to marry, but couldn't quite put my finger on why I thought it.

I knew he had the ring still when we first met as he found it when we were getting rid of a lot of stuff when moving in together. This was about 7 years ago now! The ring sort of disappeared and he said he'd just gotten rid of it.

At the time when he proposed I did wonder, but as I never saw that ring again couldn't really remember exactly what it looked like so couldnt say 100%. On the once or twice it had come up he'd just skirted over what he'd done with it and the box the ring he proposed with was in looked a bit worn. I asked him outright a few months later and he said absolutely not, he got mine from X shop in a town near us and went specifically with a friend to choose it etc etc.

Anyway, long story short it's come to light now that it is the same ring.

I'm actually really pissed off. Not because I'm arsed about having a fancy ring, I'd have been happy with anything. But I'm upset that he lied and tbh I am upset that it's the ring he gave another woman too. I'm embarrassed as well in a way, this is the mother of his kids, who hasn't been the kindest to me, god knows if she has spotted it but if so it makes me cringe. It's the kind of thing she'd take pleasure in knowing that I don't realise.

I'm actually really really annoyed. Is it petty? Am I right to be? Does it matter? I know the lying matters but I'm also pissed off that it's the same ring, would that part bother you as well?

Unless it was a family heirloom, I’d be annoyed as well.

Partly by the luring etc, but also because that ring was bought with someone else in mind. It wasn’t purchased lovingly for you.

Hard to trust someone who has lied to your face. I don't blame you being upset.

Usually on MN my answer is 'eh it's probably fine' but this is AWFUL. You poor thing. What a shitty thing to do. I understand he probably panicked and lied because he was trying to avoid conflict but REALLY.

YANBU!

Totally out of order he is!

I'd be upset too, especially if his ex has spotted it!

@Interrobanger

Sell the ring and buy yourself the ring that you want.

If he’s got anything to say about it, tell him to fuck off.

I'd do this, OP.

So shitty of him! All of it. You aren't unreasonable.

Yanbu. It’s the lying, deflecting and now effectively trying to blame you for having a bee in your bonnet about his ex being the reason you don’t like it.

I’d buy a one, no matter how expensive and he can pay for it.

It is very offensive. Give the ring back. He should buy you a new one.

I'd ask him for the money to replace both engagement and wedding ring.

I wouldn't let him come with me to choose them.

I wouldn't want to wear either ring now, the new wedding ring would be a symbol to myself that I was choosing to stay in the marriage but that it was a slightly different marriage to the one I thought I had, perhaps. A present to myself, and, I admit - a punishment for the man who could stand at the altar with me wearing that engagement ring and make his vows with a lie like that in operation. Fucker.

He could take both the rings he gave me when he wasn't being honest with me and stick them up his bot.

It's not about a ring, it's about a huge lie and the horrible fact that he let you wear it in front of her - I'd find that kind of humiliation really REALLY hard to forgive.

Why were you badgering him about it? He probably lied because you kept going on about it. It doesn't matter, and anything we can do as a species to be less wasteful is surely a good thing?

It's not about a ring, it's about a huge lie and the horrible fact that he let you wear it in front of her - I'd find that kind of humiliation really REALLY hard to forgive.

Yep. So humiliating. He's a complete fucker.

@CampagVelocet

Why were you badgering him about it? He probably lied because you kept going on about it. It doesn't matter, and anything we can do as a species to be less wasteful is surely a good thing?

How is lying and trust being broken related to our species being wasteful?

I couldn’t wear it. It’s funny really because I’d have no issue with a second hand ring that’s new to both of us, but a recycled ring from a previous relationship of his would be a big fat NO for me even though they’re both secondhand rings!

I’d rather have no ring than his ex partner’s ring personally. If I discovered this I’d no longer wear it.

@CampagVelocet

Why were you badgering him about it? He probably lied because you kept going on about it. It doesn't matter, and anything we can do as a species to be less wasteful is surely a good thing?

She wouldn't have kept going in if he'd had told the truth! Lying in a relationship is totally unacceptable.

Not sure how you can blame OP in this situation,

But I suppose theirs always one on every thread.

Can you contact a jeweller and ask them to remodel the existing ring to a style that works for you? Can the stones be reset to a different design? If the band is yellow gold, can you get it made in white gold or platinum perhaps?
If he couldn't afford a new ring when he proposed he should have waited or bought a simple tolken ring (say £20-£30 as a symbol) and say that you could both go ring shopping together.

I'd be beyond hurt & upset.

It would probably be a deal breaker. I'd rather be a single parent than eith a bloke who lies because you won't like the truth.

It will not be the first nor last time he lied to you to avoid 'being in trouble'
I'd no longer trust him to have my back, so off he could fuck!

@CrackersDontMatter

If it was about money I would have gone without before wearing his ex's ring. Yanbu.

Me too. Sorry OP he’s not only a liar but he also fails to see why this would bother you because it doesn’t bother him, which is the shittiest lack of empathy ever.

I’d be exactly the same as you tbh.

FWIW my DP proposed to me spontaneously one night while we were lying in bed. He got up and found the eternity ring he’d bought me a few years before which was in my drawer, and knelt down by the bed. It was perfect.

The next day he went into work and told them all he’d proposed. When pressed he pretended that he’d bought a ring especially and planned it all along. I was so disappointed. To him it was a little white lie because he didn’t want them to think he was a cheapskate. But to me it cheapened the whole thing - almost as if his colleagues deserved a better “engagement story” than I did! It also didn’t help that we were going to a work ‘do’ that evening so if anyone had asked to see the ring I’d have had to show them the one he gave me years before and pretend it was new. I stopped wearing the ring altogether after that as I just felt stupid about it.

When we first met I helped him sell his exes ring and I know he was annoyed to only get about 1/4 the value of it back, but if he’d ever tried to palm that off on me, I’d have thrown it in the sea! Luckily I have much fatter fingers than her so he wouldn’t have even been able to pretend!

I think the worst part by far is the lying. Giving it to you may have been a misguided gesture but the minute you had doubts about it he should have fessed up. Instead he added insult to injury, layering lie on to of lie. That would really break my trust in him tbh and unless this was totally out of character and he was 100% apologetic I’m not sure I’d ever be able to forgive it tbh.

I would be extremely hurt by this. I'm sorry he did this to you.

Just don't wear it, and get another one that makes you happy, if you can both afford another one... Not much point in getting upset, about wrong doings from the past.

Yanbu at all. The lying is shocking and I wouldn’t want someone else’s ring. I think it’s really weird that The Duchess of Cambridge wears Diana’s engagement ring for example as to me it is a symbol of a failed marriage.

I am not at all mercenary and would be quite happy with a really cheap ring that had been picked for me.

I understand why pp are suggesting selling the ring to fund the purchase of something new but be warned that you will get very little for it. The depreciation on engagement rings is painful. It would be more cost-effective to get the stones and metal re-made into a new design, possibly incorporating your wedding ring so that you have just one, larger ring.

That's just not on. And lying about it... I'd be upset too. My husband kept his own wedding ring from his first marriage in his jewellery box and I'm totally fine about that, it's part of his story. But he round the have dreamed of using it when he remarried!

You're not being unreasonable at all, that's bloody awful.

If it's not a relationship deal breaker than I would definitely get a new ring.

Have the current ring appraised for sale - unfortunately a lot of jewelry doesn't hold it's resale value so it might not be worth nearly as much as was paid for. So don't be surprised about that.

However - you there might be value in it's component parts depending on what the stones are.

As someone earlier mentioned if you can stomach keeping any part of it, it might be worth breaking it up and adding to it in a new design.

But if you want a whole new 'just for you' ring - sell it in whatever form - whole or broken up will make the most money. Get DH to a chunk of change to it - possibly even match what it sells for and go get yourself something you really love.

*wouldn't have

Wow.