His parents died 17 years ago

[SorrySadDog]

I fully suspect I am being entirely unreasonable, however I am struggling to identify what is selfish (on my part) and what is potentially not. I have approached this so far from a very understanding place, I put his emotional needs first. But for some reason my patience is wearing thin!

Okay so, my other half's parents died when he was 13. He suffers from PTSD, he had a fairly shitty life after that, he lived with family who didn't really understand him and he went off the rails. He currently works for himself, and is happy with the life he is making for himself.

It seems the pain of his parents passing when he was so young has not really lessened, I am not him (obviously) so I can't really say but I think thats about right.

I make allowances for the fact that he might sometimes need to withdraw, you know, I won't pressure him to come out and be "happy" if I can see he needs time alone.

However.....I am starting to get irritated and a bit rolling my eyes and I am not sure why, or how to stop. Whether I am being entirely unreasonable or not.

Twice a year an entire month is wiped out because of the anniversaries of his parents deaths. One of those months my birthday and his mothers birthday were very close. So there is a black cloud around my birthday. The other anniversary is around my sons birthday (stepfather relationship). Christmas is off the table, he won't spend it with my family and myself and disappears. In fact he won't even put a tree up with me.

I have to be quite careful when it comes to things to do with families, like even talking about how much I love my mum for example. I wouldn't just come out and say that but I guess I mean in the context of a conversation.

He is starting another round of counselling soon.

I am worried about my reaction to things like not participating in Christmas. I love him very much but the fact that I have reached eye rolling territory is not pleasent. I don't know if this makes me a horrible person, or whether I should have compromised with him? But how do you compromise with someone who experienced trauma so young, do I even have the right to? I have no idea what I am doing, but I do not want to be unreasonable. If it is entirely fair that he opts out of family life three times a year then I will accept it, but this situation isn't one I have experience with. He is my best friend, but I don't think I can be honest with him about how I feel at this point in time. He said the other day, oh Christmas season soon. Which is almost like a warning that he's going to be withdrawn.

Thank you and I would appreciate some constructive feedback

The fact that more counselling is due soon is the ideal time to raise this with him.

His actions are understandable but so are yours!

Suggest that maybe it's time for him to look at ways to move on, or he risks losing his current relationship with you. That is not unreasonable.

I can appreciate how this impacts on you and your son, there is no easy answer unfortunately.
Having had early trauma and serious mental health problems I can see why xmas and birthdays are difficult. Trying to act my way through them takes too much energy and I felt bad about faking and anxious anticipating them. The pressure to conform didn't help.
I took the other route and decided to stay out of relationships.
I hope you both find a satisfactory solution to this difficult situation. Whichever way it goes.

I think this is a complex situation and there are no easy answers. In relation to your partner, no I don't think he is being unreasonable in his behaviour. He has experienced significant trauma in his early life which is extremely difficult to manage, this is likely to either have resulted in or have similar traits to PTSD, which is known ro cause physicl changes in the brain relating to how the individual processes both memory and trauma. I think its important to understand that birthday's and Christmas' aren't about specific days but the run up (preparation of) and the celebration which often lasts days or even weeks in the form of cards/gifts/balloons.....none of those things are unreasonable in themselves but may be a trigger for his trauma. That also doesn't mean that there is nothing he can do to improve things......medication and thearpy may help but ultimately there is no cure, and your post suggests he may already be exploring this.

Equally I don't think you are unreasonable to be frustrated or upset by his behaviours but I think you perhaps have more capacity to change things than he might. It's kinder for you both to walk away if you can't cope with him.

Could you try and get him to change his mindset in the sense that actually it's not what they would have wanted for him.
It sounds like he's stuck in his grief, I don't think anyone gets over it, you just get it to the point where it's manageable and build your life around it.

My Dad died when I was in my early 20s it was awful and I miss him so much still.
But I am able to enjoy Christmas, he wouldn't want me to be depressed so much, especially an entire month.
I have to say though the families thing I was very sensitive to and still am at points.
For example my DHs useless Parents who have never even bothered to meet my kids is something that annoys me as my Dad was desperate to stay in the world and be their grandparent.
It does sound like he's had a really hard life and that its alot to get over.
Sounds like he needs lots of therapy.

@Whatonearth07957

Be sympathetic but organise your own things, that if he's feeling up to it he can join. Do you live together? That sounds draining and a bit of a half life. You should put yourself and DC first.

Exactly this. I hate Christmas as it was when my dad started to die, and a year later my mum very nearly died. I make an effort for my child though, it's not fair otherwise.

He's got ptsd and may be avoiding triggering situations.

He may gradually get better with counselling, or he won't.

You need to decide if you can deal with it

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow I agree some of the comments on here are really shocking! People are so clueless!

I would make arrangements to go away for xmas with your son.

Without prying could the circumstances of their death be causing him to go into this state of mourning ? He was very young and clearly hasn't properly come to terms with losing them and that's ok but it is also ok for you to feel the way you do about the impact his mourning is having on you.

My DH has lost both of his parents within the last 5yrs but since the death of his mother last year it's been really tough for all of us but he hasn't really come to terms with it yet even though he says he has. Because I knew them I guess I feel his pain more as I had a great relationship with them whereas you didn't get the chance to have that so whilst your being supportive you haven't the link of knowing them yourself only of the memories he shares with you.

Please think of your son.
My DD has a friend who can never do anything fun for Halloween because some one in her family died around Halloween ( before the girl was even born)
Do you really want you son to remember Christmas as a time of sadness with somber atmosphere?

He really needs appropriate counselling to resolve this. It is deeply traumatising to lose your parents and then be placed with family where you don't quite fit in, especially at such a turbulent age - just going into adolescence. My heart goes out to him.

But he needs to recognise it is souring what should and could be joyful occasions in his adult life. He needs to place importance on your happiness, on your DC's happiness and that includes celebrating your birthday and Christmas, and being positive about your loving relationship with your mother, which he could nurture for himself too, if they get on.

Try and talk very gently with him about it and say you in no way want to belittle what happened but you think it is essential for your happiness as a family that he finds ways to enable him to fully enjoy all of life with his new family, with you and DC, and to celebrate happy times with you.

My mum died when I was 13 and then my life spiraled into chaos and abuse and I have PTSD from that and it’s hard.
I feel an overwhelming sense of dread each June coming up to the anniversary of her death and yeah I think I expect to feel sad on that day and dread it each year. Birthdays and Christmas were difficult for a number of years.
Now that I have my own kids it’s a lot easier in that I don’t wallow in self pity over it. I do take 10 minutes of quiet reflection on those days to think of my mum but this doesn’t impact my family.
It’s great that he is doing counseling and it sounds like he will really benefit from it. You sound lovely and supportive but your feelings and your son are also so important. You should not have to miss out because of his issues.

I feel bad for all of you. Your DP needs to be in counselling, but that's his decision. You need to think about whether you should be in a relationship with someone who spends almost a quarter of every year visibly grieving. My worry is that he'll eventually pull you and your DS down with him.

OP This is hard. it is very complex trauma and grief and will be ingrained now. It will need specialist intensive therapy to untangle. Is he willing to work hard at this for all your sakes? I think you need to remember that however tragic this has been for him, your quality of life and your son's matter just as much. He is probably incapable of meeting your needs due to his issues, so you need to have boundaries to protect your own wellbeing and that of your son. It doesn't mean he does not love you or your son, but you need to assess what you will tolerate in terms of the impact on your lives. You have choices, but your son doesn't. How does this affect him? Is he afraid to speak out and walk on eggshells as you have to do about significant days and love for family? This isn't healthy for him if so. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide.

I also lost both parents at a relatively young age (nowhere near as young as your DP) and although it’s been over 20 years since 2nd parent died certain times of the year are tough. I can’t imagine what it’s like to lose both parents by age 7 and be brought up in not ideal circumstances, he needs to work through it I suppose, but it’s up to you whether you want to endure it too.
I’ve concentrated on making my own family and have a lot of friends so I feel it compensates a bit for the losses.
Does your DP have other family he sees or is it only the ones who brought him up?

I feel an overwhelming sense of dread each June coming up to the anniversary of her death and yeah I think I expect to feel sad on that day and dread it each year. Birthdays and Christmas were difficult for a number of years

Totally get that. My DF died on a big national festival (different country) so, every year, there are decorations and reminders everywhere, and everyone asks you how you are celebrating. It's hard. But, ultimately, you need to find a way to cope, for your own wellbeing.

I sometimes use the analogy of scar tissue with patients (I'm a GP). The wound of bereavement never goes away or heals back to how it was, but, eventually, a scar forms. Scars can be painful and look unsightly, but they are strong.

'But, ultimately, you need to find a way to cope, for your own wellbeing'

Well of course that is ideal but people are all different you see and many may not follow your textbook idea of how to behave. I'm surprised if you are a gp you do not understand this.

We all have to make compromises and assess what is worth our commitment, as the op eye rolls at her boyfriende trauma I would suggest she needs to move on. He deserves better.

'But, ultimately, you need to find a way to cope, for your own wellbeing

Not everyone has good coping strategies though. As a gp it’s your job to realise this surely?

@FFSFFSFFS

He went through massive trauma not only of his parents dying but then having an awful time after that at a very young age. That is not something you just get over - it is burnt into your synapses and your emotions. Sounds like he is going through counselling and trying to resolve it.

I am bemused that you think your upset about my our birthday is a totally reasonable emotional response but his upset about having his life torn apart is not.

I agree, poor man has slot of unresolved trauma, you can't just get over it!!!

OP it's up to you whether you can envisage a future with him without his changing in anyway, if you can then try and seek support on how to support him. If you can't that's fine too, your not his saviour.

If only it were as simple as just finding a way to cope. Im sure the drug use rates and deaths would plummet.

It just feels like such a lot of time spent being sad.
That can’t be nice for you or him.
I don’t think you said how long you’ve been together? If it wasn’t a very long time then tbh I’d be considering the future of the relationship. He’s had 17 years to look into coping strategies, unless he’s comfortable with the current approach, in which case you need to decide whether you can put up with it or not.

@JaniieJones

'But, ultimately, you need to find a way to cope, for your own wellbeing'

Well of course that is ideal but people are all different you see and many may not follow your textbook idea of how to behave. I'm surprised if you are a gp you do not understand this.

We all have to make compromises and assess what is worth our commitment, as the op eye rolls at her boyfriende trauma I would suggest she needs to move on. He deserves better.

17 years of spending 2 months of the year in mourning and unable to function normally tell me that the DH is not coping. I would be very concerned about any patient in this situation, because he is clearly suffering and is at risk of losing his family - a second devastating loss as a direct consequence of the first. That's tragic in my view, and certainly not something that I would want to allow to happen, if I had the chance to intervene.

If you think that I would be oppressing a patient in his situation by wanting to help him recover, we will have to agree to differ. If you think I should just write him off because "we are all different", we will have to agree to differ.

Likewise, if you think it's normal for someone to be unable to function for 2 months of the year for 2 decades, but not acceptable for their partner to be silently frustrated at times by them, then, again, we will have to agree to differ. Get back to me when you have spend a decade or so in the OP's situation, without ever silently rolling your eyes, and we can compare notes.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

'But, ultimately, you need to find a way to cope, for your own wellbeing

Not everyone has good coping strategies though. As a gp it’s your job to realise this surely?

That's very much the point I have been making, if you read my previous posts. The DH's current coping strategy is ineffective and avoidant. Importantly, it is putting him at risk of a devastating second loss: of his wife and child. He is mired in his original loss, unable and afraid to let go of it. He is 'stuck', as a psychotherapist might say. He needs support to find a more effective strategy. It's not about judging or criticising him - it's about trying to free him, at least partially, from the cage of his current suffering.

You live in cloud cuckoo land @MissLucyEyelesbarrow. These aren’t your patients to attempt to diagnose and share platitudes with. This is a man whom the op says 'most of the time he's a vibrant person' so it seems he manages his PTSD well, no?

If he struggles with anniversaries and sentimental events like Christmas well the op should be understanding and back off. Not eye roll.

'it is putting him at risk of a devastating second loss: of his wife and child.'

Gf and gf's dc I believe.