His parents died 17 years ago

[SorrySadDog]

I fully suspect I am being entirely unreasonable, however I am struggling to identify what is selfish (on my part) and what is potentially not. I have approached this so far from a very understanding place, I put his emotional needs first. But for some reason my patience is wearing thin!

Okay so, my other half's parents died when he was 13. He suffers from PTSD, he had a fairly shitty life after that, he lived with family who didn't really understand him and he went off the rails. He currently works for himself, and is happy with the life he is making for himself.

It seems the pain of his parents passing when he was so young has not really lessened, I am not him (obviously) so I can't really say but I think thats about right.

I make allowances for the fact that he might sometimes need to withdraw, you know, I won't pressure him to come out and be "happy" if I can see he needs time alone.

However.....I am starting to get irritated and a bit rolling my eyes and I am not sure why, or how to stop. Whether I am being entirely unreasonable or not.

Twice a year an entire month is wiped out because of the anniversaries of his parents deaths. One of those months my birthday and his mothers birthday were very close. So there is a black cloud around my birthday. The other anniversary is around my sons birthday (stepfather relationship). Christmas is off the table, he won't spend it with my family and myself and disappears. In fact he won't even put a tree up with me.

I have to be quite careful when it comes to things to do with families, like even talking about how much I love my mum for example. I wouldn't just come out and say that but I guess I mean in the context of a conversation.

He is starting another round of counselling soon.

I am worried about my reaction to things like not participating in Christmas. I love him very much but the fact that I have reached eye rolling territory is not pleasent. I don't know if this makes me a horrible person, or whether I should have compromised with him? But how do you compromise with someone who experienced trauma so young, do I even have the right to? I have no idea what I am doing, but I do not want to be unreasonable. If it is entirely fair that he opts out of family life three times a year then I will accept it, but this situation isn't one I have experience with. He is my best friend, but I don't think I can be honest with him about how I feel at this point in time. He said the other day, oh Christmas season soon. Which is almost like a warning that he's going to be withdrawn.

Thank you and I would appreciate some constructive feedback

@peppersauce1984

Op that is so hard for everyone. He has suffered significant trauma, grief and loss, and sounds like it's not been properly addressed. He needs more than counselling- a therapist skilled and experienced in trauma.

It sounds like he's in this (quite common) repetitive cycle of - 'month of parents death, I need to grieve and isolate from everyone. If I don't grieve then It means I didn't love them or still miss them'. He needs to give himself 'permission' to create a new normal and a different way of remembering them. Ultimately he's the only one (with professional support) who can move this situation on. Good luck

This is EXACTLY the sort of thinking that could be explored therapeutically....

It is SO common.... Viz... "If I feel happy at all close to my late dad /mum/child's birthday it means I didn't love them(enough).

The reality?... . Parents would not want us poleaxed with grief for months for the rear of our lives....

My mum died very suddenly some years ago.... It was hell. Took me a good year to stop crying daily. All completely normal.
Now, I celebrate her birthday with close family. She would he horrified if I was so immersed in grief that my life wasn't progressing a decade or so later.

@JaniieJones

You live in cloud cuckoo land *@MissLucyEyelesbarrow*. These aren’t your patients to attempt to diagnose and share platitudes with. This is a man whom the op says 'most of the time he's a vibrant person' so it seems he manages his PTSD well, no?

If he struggles with anniversaries and sentimental events like Christmas well the op should be understanding and back off. Not eye roll.

How could I share platitudes with a man who doesn't even know I exist? But I hope someone helps him, because he is clearly suffering. It isn't a judgement or criticism to say that he needs help. It's a response to his obvious distress.

As for the OP, again, spend a decade with a partner who is unable to function for 2 months a year without rolling your eyes, and get back to me. You seem rather judgemental for someone who is so keen to tell me off for thinking that the DH could be helped.

OP I’m sorry for everyone involved here, it’s sounds so difficult, I think it’s important to recognise no one is being reasonable or unreasonable here. Compatibility is really the key point.

Speaking as someone who suffered from complex PTSD from childhood traumas then developed PTSD as a result of adult trauma (with subsequent depression and anxiety) this really isn’t something that you can reason with.

I’m not sure exactly what your DP is experiencing but it sounds like dates and occasions are particular triggers for him. Is he suffering flashbacks at these times? If so during those periods it’s not 17 years ago, whatever he is experiencing is happening now and just as real as anything else. People think flash backs are like a memory, but the event is lodged in the brain in such a way that it is for all intents and purposes happening now. It is beyond scary and v hard to move on in this almost ground hog day scenario. For many the prefrontal cortex becomes fairly inactive making reasoning and verbal skills very low.

Constant nightmares, hyper vigilance etc are so so draining. You know you’re being a drain on everyone but you can’t do anything about it.

Your partner is doing everything he can. There is a lot of research about your body storing trauma so he might want to look at things such as breathing therapy (eg Wim hof), yoga, polyvagal exercises etc (Bessel van der kills “the body keeps the score” is a fantastic resource. EMDR therapy is also excellent for many.

But all the above does not really help you or your son. You DP is how he is (hopefully things will improve). You need to decide whether this is compatible with what you and your son both want and need. If not, you shouldn’t feel guilt leaving.

I an see both sides. I came out of a very physically and mentally abusive marriage before l net my now DH. He has been so patient and made so many allowances and been so supportive and listened patiently when lve wanted to talk about it.
But everyone has their limits and l appreciate l must be really hard work sometimes
One of my bits of baggage is that whenever we go for a meal or even a cafe l have to sit with my back to the wall l simply can't bear sitting with my back to the room where are behind me but l can't see what they are doing. I think it comes from a deep-rooted fear of my exh walking in and not noticing him. He always threatened to kill me if ever l left him, throw acid in my face, to name a few threats.
We went in a little cafe last week and my DH went to sit in the seat that faced out and l just said 'oh sorry, can l sit there and he mumbled 'FFS' as he moved.
We had a row about it and he thought it wouldn't matter because we were away a long way from home and only a small cafe.
First time he's reacted negatively in 15 yrs to my little seating issue and we're fine now, but l guess it does get on his nerves now and again. Also had a row with a female friend last week and he's probably still thinking about that. I basically approached the table out with a few women friends and didn't get to a seat at the back of table and there was only chairs left on the outside of the table. I asked if someone would mind swapping with me and she basically had a go at me for 'always going for the best seat :(usually comfortable bench seats at back and just wooden chairs around the table) so she's obviously noticed and presumed l just go for the best seats. I ended up just making an excuse and going home.

What a terribly sad situation. Your partner is stuck in grief ( I think it’s called complex or complicated grief) and this has impacted onto you and now your son. It is probably rooted in how the grief was dealt with in the first few months or possibly years. A grief counsellor told me that for children, even with counselling, it often returns to “ bite them on the bum” ( her words)
I think counselling is the only way out of this for him but one suggestion is to condense the time around the anniversaries down to a week. Does he have any rituals such as visiting a grave, laying flowers, planting trees etc? I find these help. Although I think of each day in the week preceding the anniversary ( my husband died in a road accident) I keep this to myself and just in the day I take myself off for a walk, plant some seeds or donate to a charity— just something to mark the day. He could be a long way from this but reducing down to a week ( and then hopefully down to a day or two) will probably reduce his stress too. I think by shutting down for a whole month for each loss he is revisiting the loss over and over.
Sorry I can’t offer any more, maybe you could talk with a counsellor to see if there are any more suggestions?

I couldnt cope with this.. both my parents died in my teens aswell so i do understand how awful it is and how much he must miss them. However I couldnt and wouldnt make everyone else suffer for it. Counselling is certainly a good idea - life goes on however harsh that sounds. I dont really know what you can do except speak to him sensitively about it and push the counselling

Oh wow OP, I really feel for you as you are in the challenging position of walking on eggshells and having to mute your joy on happy, special occasions.

I am torn though as I am similar to your DP in that I lost my DM when young. Over 20 years on, I have just started bereavement counselling as this has impacted my relationships over the years rather badly. Special family occasions such as Christmas, weddings, births, birthdays and anniversaries are hell. I feel utter despair on those days. I try very hard to smile and act happy but I am dying inside. My DP who is very intuitive has lost patience with me over the years and I have seen him roll his eyes when I have shared a little of what is going on inside. This has made me feel guilty on top of trying to deal with black thoughts and an ocean of grief. I don’t share anymore do feel as if I am in a Perspex box, watching the world move in and forget about my DM. It is a very isolating experience.
I am not sharing this to make you feel bad OP. I am sharing to hopefully give you insight into what it’s like to grieve from such a young age. You mourn the person and all the time snatched away from you with your loved one.

I am glad your DP is in counselling.

I agree with PP that you deserve to enjoy all the magic and sparkle of happy, special occasions. I think you need an honest open conversation with your DP but also with yourself about what you are prepared to compromise on if anything to have your DP in your life. You don’t want resentment creeping into your relationship. It will rot it to the core. By posting this it seems to me you want your relationship to work. It has been a really brave gesture. I wish you luck OP.

I think @SorrySadDog if you told us the age of your D's and how long you've been in the relationship you might get some answers that will give you better coping strategies.

I do think it's unfair of your DC to be the one that hears the brunt of this.
You have a choice but your kids don't.
You are ruining their childhood over a man.

I think you've given him enough time.

I had a lot of seriously bad stuff happen to me as a child and by some weird thing a lot of them all happened in the same month but different years plus other months where I have bad memories, DH knows and we discuss how X is a difficult day and I usually eat chocolate and just take it is it comes. No one would ever know.

Your bloke has got into a habit and a month of wallowing is ridiculous and very self indulgent. It's awful his parents died but honestly. Too much.

@JohnDee007

OP I’m sorry for everyone involved here, it’s sounds so difficult, I think it’s important to recognise no one is being reasonable or unreasonable here. Compatibility is really the key point.

Speaking as someone who suffered from complex PTSD from childhood traumas then developed PTSD as a result of adult trauma (with subsequent depression and anxiety) this really isn’t something that you can reason with.

I’m not sure exactly what your DP is experiencing but it sounds like dates and occasions are particular triggers for him. Is he suffering flashbacks at these times? If so during those periods it’s not 17 years ago, whatever he is experiencing is happening now and just as real as anything else. People think flash backs are like a memory, but the event is lodged in the brain in such a way that it is for all intents and purposes happening now. It is beyond scary and v hard to move on in this almost ground hog day scenario. For many the prefrontal cortex becomes fairly inactive making reasoning and verbal skills very low.

Constant nightmares, hyper vigilance etc are so so draining. You know you’re being a drain on everyone but you can’t do anything about it.

Your partner is doing everything he can. There is a lot of research about your body storing trauma so he might want to look at things such as breathing therapy (eg Wim hof), yoga, polyvagal exercises etc (Bessel van der kills “the body keeps the score” is a fantastic resource. EMDR therapy is also excellent for many.

But all the above does not really help you or your son. You DP is how he is (hopefully things will improve). You need to decide whether this is compatible with what you and your son both want and need. If not, you shouldn’t feel guilt leaving.

Yes, so recently he was triggered by something and was flashing back to when his dad was dying. It sounded horrific and I just had to sit there and hold him. There was nothing I could say so I just sat with him til he fell asleep at about 4am. Understanding that it's as visceral as you say explains why he was so distressed.

Unfortunately I haven't experienced trauma in the way he has, I have my own trauma (sexual assault) but I have coped with it entirely differently and its just not the same anyway.

I'm totally aware that I can't relate or even fathom what he has gone through. I'm not sure I can even understand!

@BorderlineHappy

I think *@SorrySadDog* if you told us the age of your D's and how long you've been in the relationship you might get some answers that will give you better coping strategies.

I do think it's unfair of your DC to be the one that hears the brunt of this.
You have a choice but your kids don't.
You are ruining their childhood over a man.

Sorry it looks like it didn't post when I did answer.

10 years old and 4 year relationship. Lived together for 18 months.

DP is good at masking his grief during those months about DS. Sometimes he can be a little sad in front of him but he's explained to DS that sometimes things are difficult for him

@Gliderx

He has a right to grieve how (and for as long as) he pleases.

You have a right to decide that there are limits to how much you are willing to tolerate in a relationship.

Your son has a right to have a childhood which is not overshadowed by grief for people he didn't even know.

The difficulty comes in working out how to balance these rights. You have no right to demand that he gets over his grief and becomes the life and soul of the party, but equally he has no right to demand that you (and your son) put up with him making two months of the year miserable and joyless.

Personally, I'd reevaluate the relationship. While I'd be prepared to sacrifice a lot to support someone I loved, I wouldn't do it at the expense of my child. I'd pick laughter and joy and happiness for them instead. You can't fix things for your partner, but you can try to ensure that they are not 'broken' for your son.

This

@GiantHaystacks2021

He's obviously very, very hard work and he is what I would call a project. I could never have taken him on, in the first place. Misery loves company and all that. Sorry.

This.

What exactly was the appeal of moving in with a man like thatwhen you have a child?

I have ptsd from the loss of my family. Birthdays and anniversaries trigger it. Its years ago now it makes no difference whatsoever.

I don't want to feel like this. I've had grief counselling it did nothing.
You are free to make your own choices but no one gets to tell anyone how to grieve. Those posters telling people its unhealthy or disproportionate have no fucking clue. Unless you've lived it you're clueless to what it actually feels like and to be honest to experience such trauma and to still be here is proof that your DH is doing the best he can.

Lived together for 18 months.

Do you have your own place to go back to?

I wonder if this relationship would work better in your own homes?

I'm sorry but I think you're putting your relationship above the needs of your son.

This will damage him. Your son deserves to be surrounded by people who celebrate his birthday. Who want to give him brilliant Christmases.

And it occurs to me that the nearer your son gets to the age that your boyfriend was when his parents died, the greater the trauma and flashbacks may be.

I think if you want to continue with this relationship you should live separately as a pp suggested. Then your boyfriend has the space to deal with his grief without it impacting on your son.

It often seems different when a man's wife dies - many sometimes manage to ''move on'' quickly and can be remarried within a year or two. In that situation the new wife won't expect DP grieving constantly for deceased wife and he doesn't.

There's a heartbreaking thread in Chat right now from a widow that some of the more unsympathetic posters in here would do well to read.

‘A little sad’ OP? No. He’s more than that and it’s casting a shadow over your DC’s childhood.

Agree that he has every right and reason to grieve. But you are choosing to inflict that on your kids. It’s not the right choice for them (or you).

@Clymene

I'm sorry but I think you're putting your relationship above the needs of your son.

This will damage him. Your son deserves to be surrounded by people who celebrate his birthday. Who want to give him brilliant Christmases.

And it occurs to me that the nearer your son gets to the age that your boyfriend was when his parents died, the greater the trauma and flashbacks may be.

I think if you want to continue with this relationship you should live separately as a pp suggested. Then your boyfriend has the space to deal with his grief without it impacting on your son.

This. Your son will be damaged if DP can’t move past this and find a happier place through therapy . I worked with a woman who’s mother had died when she was aged 22, albeit 10 years before. The mother had died a week before Xmas. Every year even though we all had young children whenever anyone mentioned the word Xmas in any capacity all the eye rolling and sighing and sad looks would occur. It was incredibly draining.

I feel sorry for your kid. He doesn't deserve this.

You're more patient than me OP. If you had no kids I would say just crack on but you do and it's not fair to have clouds hanging over your kids heads for month stretches at a time. Even if you both act normally, kids pick up on any kind of tension. It's not fair.

You don't need to live together, your son deserves birthdays where it's actively celebrated by the parents in his life. Not one who buggers off to the spare room. What happens when he's 13 and of the age your bloke was when his trauma started? Will you be able to cope if it's triggering?

@Willyoujustbequiet

I have ptsd from the loss of my family. Birthdays and anniversaries trigger it. Its years ago now it makes no difference whatsoever.

I don't want to feel like this. I've had grief counselling it did nothing.
You are free to make your own choices but no one gets to tell anyone how to grieve. Those posters telling people its unhealthy or disproportionate have no fucking clue. Unless you've lived it you're clueless to what it actually feels like and to be honest to experience such trauma and to still be here is proof that your DH is doing the best he can.

I'm very sorry for all that you've been through, and the other posters who similarly have explained the trauma they have been through.

It's a hard message, but if this thread were you in a similar situation with a partner and their child, then I'm afraid the advice would be the same. An adult's grief shouldn't take over a little boy's childhood, and unfortunately a choice between needs is necessary, because the requirements of the adult grieving are so impactful. All the normal fun family events are being affected, as well as significant stretches of time spent in grief; this must be addressed because otherwise there's a high risk that the little boy will grow up to be another damaged adult. As for OP, even without her son she has a right to seek a happy life; if she isn't able to support the DP, or even if she just doesn't want to, that's ok too. I have great sympathy for the DP, but his needs don't trump everyone else's forever.

This is a hard one. My DH lost his mum when he was 8 so I understand the trauma that comes with that. However, things like Christmas when you have a child aren’t optional and it’s unfair for your son to witness his stepfather under a black cloud on what should be happy occasions. I would see how it goes after counselling.

This sounds v hard. You are making so many allowances and it's still hard to be around him even though you are showing every sensitivity you can muster.

I bet if you had a child, it'd be the unwritten family dynamic. Dad has feelings. Dad feels pain. Sometimes Dad needs to hurt us in order to be OK