His parents died 17 years ago

[SorrySadDog]

I fully suspect I am being entirely unreasonable, however I am struggling to identify what is selfish (on my part) and what is potentially not. I have approached this so far from a very understanding place, I put his emotional needs first. But for some reason my patience is wearing thin!

Okay so, my other half's parents died when he was 13. He suffers from PTSD, he had a fairly shitty life after that, he lived with family who didn't really understand him and he went off the rails. He currently works for himself, and is happy with the life he is making for himself.

It seems the pain of his parents passing when he was so young has not really lessened, I am not him (obviously) so I can't really say but I think thats about right.

I make allowances for the fact that he might sometimes need to withdraw, you know, I won't pressure him to come out and be "happy" if I can see he needs time alone.

However.....I am starting to get irritated and a bit rolling my eyes and I am not sure why, or how to stop. Whether I am being entirely unreasonable or not.

Twice a year an entire month is wiped out because of the anniversaries of his parents deaths. One of those months my birthday and his mothers birthday were very close. So there is a black cloud around my birthday. The other anniversary is around my sons birthday (stepfather relationship). Christmas is off the table, he won't spend it with my family and myself and disappears. In fact he won't even put a tree up with me.

I have to be quite careful when it comes to things to do with families, like even talking about how much I love my mum for example. I wouldn't just come out and say that but I guess I mean in the context of a conversation.

He is starting another round of counselling soon.

I am worried about my reaction to things like not participating in Christmas. I love him very much but the fact that I have reached eye rolling territory is not pleasent. I don't know if this makes me a horrible person, or whether I should have compromised with him? But how do you compromise with someone who experienced trauma so young, do I even have the right to? I have no idea what I am doing, but I do not want to be unreasonable. If it is entirely fair that he opts out of family life three times a year then I will accept it, but this situation isn't one I have experience with. He is my best friend, but I don't think I can be honest with him about how I feel at this point in time. He said the other day, oh Christmas season soon. Which is almost like a warning that he's going to be withdrawn.

Thank you and I would appreciate some constructive feedback

OP it’s not fair on your child at all. Forget about your own natural irritation. It’s irresponsible to put your kid through it.

To echo a couple of other comments, not having any parents, you SHIT yourself and feel like you have no support and you're all alone, the world seems so big and yes, you can just stop growing the day they die and you stay that age.
Why just this morning i went on the facebook marketplace to buy an old childhood toy. Buying my old toys I used to have as a kid or buy ones I couldn't afford helps, it's grown up me being a parents and nourishing the little me thats sad. I know that sounds crazy but if you know you know.

I wonder whether your partner at some level resents your son, as he sees your son having the life that he missed? I've had something like this in my own life - someone resenting my young child for having a better/easier life then their child. I totally distanced myself. I understand the reasons for the feelings but I don't think it's fair to burden a young child in this way, they should be able to enjoy their own lives, not be saddled with the sadness of others. I don't think it is wrong or unfeeling of you to resent your partner for his behaviour, I would too.

He doesn't sound like someone who is fully ready to be part of a new family.

I think it's a glass half-empty, glass half-full situation.

He was able to be brought up by loving parents, though of course it is deeply sad that he lost both of them around the time of his adolescence. And it sounds as though extended family were attempting to look after him in the years that followed.

I think a lot of women think that by loving damaged men - perhaps in a slightly maternal way - they will eventually heal them.

But it sounds as if he doesn't really want to move beyond his grief and loss or to play a father-like role in your son's life.

So, I suppose the questions I'd ask are 'What are you getting out of this relationship? And what effect is this having on your son?'

My dad died when I was a teen and my mum ten years later. I definitely don’t dwell on either of their birthdays or death anniversaries at all. I’m more likely to feel sad when I’m doing something with my son and I can’t share that joy with my parents.

A good friend of mine lost both his parents as a teen and he ended up living with relatives whilst he finished school. He doesn’t dwell on the situation either and went to college to earn his BTEC and has made a good life for himself, got married and had a child.

How you deal with loss is down to the individual and obviously your partner struggles heavily with his grief and probably a degree of jealousy of others who still had their parents around when growing up.

However, I think he’s still using their deaths as an excuse to hide away and not take responsibility for difficulties in his own life. After all, it’s always easier to blame so done else including an absent parent, than to look at your own shortcomings.

However, if his actions make your life difficult, in your shoes I’d probably ditch the relationship. I’d be putting your own child’s needs before the needs of your partner every single time. You’re not responsible for making him feel better.

I put his emotional needs first.

I have to be quite careful when it comes to things to do with families, like even talking about how much I love my mum for example.

This is where p, for me, things are getting tricky.
I agree that grief is different for different people. I agree that it’s normal he feels sad now, maybe even more than before.
But YOUR reaction is a worry.
You shouldn’t be in a place where your needs are always taking a back seat. You shouldn’t be in a place where you can’t even say you love your parents. What about ds? Is he going to learn that he can’t say he loves his mum too because it could upset your DP?

Someone was mentioning counselling for both of you and this could be the way forward. Because just as much as his grief is his and the way he deals with it is his, this cannot become the focal point of the relationship where everyine needs to tiptoe around his grief iyswim.

It sounds like you've got compassion fatigue, which is completely normal. I have this with my mum...she had a horrible upbringing and it casts a shadow across everything in our lives, still, decades later. I feel for her, I feel guilty for being tired of feeling sorry for her, but honestly I do...

It's good he's headed for counseling. I would try to have a conversation with him about what he would like his future to look like. Does he even want to be able to enjoy Christmas one day? Or your birthday? He might feel like he has to not enjoy those occasions for the rest of his life as some kind of penance/survivors guilt/show of love for his parents. If he honestly doesn't even want to be able to enjoy those times, you have a hard choice to make I suspect. Be honest with him that you want to one day not have entire months of the year lost...

Hopefully the counseling will help him see that being miserable isn't helping anyone.

I lost one parent as a child, it has had a huge impact on my whole life. It gets harder as I get older and I now realise I probably won't ever get over it. I can't imagine losing both parents, he must have felt so utterly alone. It's obviously having an impact on yours and your sons life which must be really difficult. I don't know if your eye roll reaction is normal but I make a massive effort not to bore people with my difficult life and the only person I really feel comfortable talking about it is my partner. This may be what he's doing with you and he probably really needs your support. There is a good Facebook support group for adults bereaved as children. It really helps just to know that the feelings you have are completely normal for people in this situation. The other would say is I stated anti depressants last year and they've really helped me. Is it something he'd consider? I wouldn't have been able to start them without the support of my partner, he even phoned the doctor for me.

@SorrySadDog I am in a very similar position although do and I don't live together. He has never really known his dad, but was very close to his mum although he was older when she died he has never really gotten past the sadness. 2 years prior to her death he also lost his long term gf and their baby in a very tragic car accident. From November through to January he can be very difficult to be around as he withdraws and can become very grumpy and it makes it unpleasant to be around. His mum died in Xmas eve and his birthday is 23rd.

As someone above say lid, the loss of a parent seems to get worse as you have milestones or events you want to share with them and they are not there. He is devastated that his mum never met me or my dd or git to see how happy he is that he has his own family etc.

I honestly don't have a huge amount of advice as it seems like he is doing everything he can by having counselling and removing himself when the emotion gets too much. I just wanted wanted let you know you aren't alone and if you ever need to talk to someone in a very similar position you are welcome to dm me.

My only suggestion is don't under estimate the impact it has on you and your ds. Be kind to yourself, don't hide from the things you want toncelebrste for fear of upsetting him. I have done similar as I have a close friend and family member who have both been diagnosed with cancer, 1 terminal in weeks the other still unsure. I have tried so hard not to lean on him and have upset him that he thinks I feel he wouldn't support me.

How long have you been together?

DP has the right to deal with his grief and trauma however he wants but your son also has the right to grow up free of the living in the shadow of someone else’s suffering.

DS will have his own challenges to deal with, does he have to deal with this too?

Time heals all things, doesn't it? Maybe it's an over-simplification but I believe that's basically true. What never heals is a wound that's picked at frequently. It sounds to me like OP's partner has set up these ritualistic "picking" sessions and they've become routine, obsessive, self defining and somewhat looked forward to. Where's the logic in these pre-arranged mourning bonanzas? Your dead parent isn't any more dead on the anniversary of his/her death than on any other day.

I think his grief and shock as a child must have been immense but not allowing a tree or spending Christmas with you would be a dealbreaker for me.
I’d have a word with him and say you can’t live like this and could you go to counselling together to help him deal with some of his pain?
Don’t let theirs destroy your own son’s happy childhood and Christmases

I think you both have rights to handle this as you choose but that might make you incompatible.

I can say that his coping mechanisms are not ones I could cope with.

How long have you been together?

@FFSFFSFFS

He went through massive trauma not only of his parents dying but then having an awful time after that at a very young age. That is not something you just get over - it is burnt into your synapses and your emotions. Sounds like he is going through counselling and trying to resolve it.

I am bemused that you think your upset about my our birthday is a totally reasonable emotional response but his upset about having his life torn apart is not.

THIS.

He lost his parents. Can you imagine how he must have felt/ must feel? At least he's feeling something and experiencing grief. If he put his feelings away and tried to forget about them surely that would be worse? I think it would be great if you worked with him, maybe made a suggestion for remembering them in some way on the specific dates you mentioned he's upset and maybe you could also make plans for your family that he can opt in or out of. Accept it. Grief is not linear and if he is getting counselling then that is a great step forward.

My mum died on Christmas day, now more than 30 years ago when I was 12. For me Christmas is always a difficult time as it is for many of us in a similar position. I do not feel like being jolly, and my anxiety levels increase significantly because happiness and joy are expected at Christmas. As you can see from some of the comments already OP, some people even knowing my background think I should be over this and joining in. I can compromise and do some things, notably with the kids, but sometimes I do need to withdraw and cannot participate. Big parties at this time of the year I simply do not do. Understand where your DP is coming from and try and work out how you operate for the month concerned. Acknowledge that your DS needs to do Xmas, but equally be realistic about what he can do and what he cannot. Trauma like this can be managed, but not from my experience it does not go.

He has a right to grieve how (and for as long as) he pleases.

You have a right to decide that there are limits to how much you are willing to tolerate in a relationship.

Your son has a right to have a childhood which is not overshadowed by grief for people he didn't even know.

The difficulty comes in working out how to balance these rights. You have no right to demand that he gets over his grief and becomes the life and soul of the party, but equally he has no right to demand that you (and your son) put up with him making two months of the year miserable and joyless.

Personally, I'd reevaluate the relationship. While I'd be prepared to sacrifice a lot to support someone I loved, I wouldn't do it at the expense of my child. I'd pick laughter and joy and happiness for them instead. You can't fix things for your partner, but you can try to ensure that they are not 'broken' for your son.

I agree with almost everything that's been said on here. I listened to something on YouTube stomping around on a walk once in deep grief. It said it was possible to identify and become the grief, and that life would essentially stop. That really helped me as I had a choice. I chose my life of course!

But essentially we all mean well on here but some of us are wishing he would change....which realistically no one can make him do. Only he can do that.

If you're the one to point this out though I fear repercussions. pp's have suggested couples counselling....
Or you could try writing him a letter... but as a pp said compassion fatigue has set in so something needs to change. 💐

some people even knowing my background think I should be over this and joining in

No one's saying this. Having the time and space you need for yourself is one thing. Being withdrawn around Christmas because your DM died that day, (so sorry ) is completely understandable. Do you withdraw for a month on mother's day. Do you withdraw for a month for her birthday. Do you refuse to celebrate all Christmases or birthdays (yours and theirs) with your partner and children.

There's a big difference. Very few would find the latter acceptable when a child is impacted so detrimentally because of it.

" I think it would be great if you worked with him, maybe made a suggestion for remembering them in some way on the specific dates you mentioned he's upset and maybe you could also make plans for your family that he can opt in or out of. Accept it. Grief is not linear and if he is getting counselling then that is a great step forward."

She's his partner, not his therapist. Where does being a mother, having a job and basically having a life fit in with all this "work"?

Buying my old toys I used to have as a kid or buy ones I couldn't afford helps, it's grown up me being a parents and nourishing the little me thats sad. I know that sounds crazy but if you know you know.

@SorrySadDog

Yes we do live together, most of the time he's a vibrant person - the difference between the two states is quite dramatic but he does take himself off to the spare room rather than put it on us if that makes sense. If my son was to go and talk to him, he wouldn't talking to him like he was in a bad mood, he pulls himself out of it when he needs to.

He's just fairly regimented in that he expects to be sad at Christmas so he's sad. Does that make sense? I don't know if people always will associate a specific period of time with pain or whether sometimes its a bit of a habit. I don't really know how to explain that as I am making assumptions

I actually understand you perfectly. I'm another who lost parents pretty young and I spent far too long on the anniversary being miserable because i thought i was supposed to be miserable.
As the years have gone on though I have thought surely my parents would not have wanted me to be so unhappy every year at the same time. Also they are not my every waking thought anymore. It still hurts for sure and fucking hell it affected my life a lot. But there has come a time finally in the last few years I've got over myself. So much so that last year and this I've just mentioned them once in passing on the day. But we all do grief differently so I dont know any answers for you. I couldn't put up with months out of a year set aside for grieving. A day is perfectly reasonable.

@ErmineAndPearls did you lose a parent as a child?

One of mine died nearly thirty years ago. It hurt to hit all the milestones without them. The grief came back at points certainly. Do I let that affect my children or husband? No. Never. Precisely because the grief overwhelmed my remaining parent and was all consuming for a very long time.

To loose both parents? That is massive trauma. He may never be able to function in the way you would like him to. He may never be ready to have a family.

I don’t think counselling will help. EMDR and work focusing on the trauma may… but bog standard counselling? Probably not. The grief is too complex.

@PuttingOnTheKitsch. I think that's an important point.

OP, possibly the phrase is overused on here but you are not an emotional support human. You are a person with life plans and aspirations in your own right. Relationships are give and take and if, for whatever reason, the give and take no longer works for you in this relationship, it's ok either to express that and try to change things or to end the relationship.

It’s never great when one person becomes the focus of most of the care and attention in a relationship. You matter too, OP. You shouldn’t be wary of mentioning your mum in case it sets him into a downward spiral. And you don’t want your son’s memories of his childhood Christmases being of everything being a bit glum and shit.