His parents died 17 years ago

[SorrySadDog]

I fully suspect I am being entirely unreasonable, however I am struggling to identify what is selfish (on my part) and what is potentially not. I have approached this so far from a very understanding place, I put his emotional needs first. But for some reason my patience is wearing thin!

Okay so, my other half's parents died when he was 13. He suffers from PTSD, he had a fairly shitty life after that, he lived with family who didn't really understand him and he went off the rails. He currently works for himself, and is happy with the life he is making for himself.

It seems the pain of his parents passing when he was so young has not really lessened, I am not him (obviously) so I can't really say but I think thats about right.

I make allowances for the fact that he might sometimes need to withdraw, you know, I won't pressure him to come out and be "happy" if I can see he needs time alone.

However.....I am starting to get irritated and a bit rolling my eyes and I am not sure why, or how to stop. Whether I am being entirely unreasonable or not.

Twice a year an entire month is wiped out because of the anniversaries of his parents deaths. One of those months my birthday and his mothers birthday were very close. So there is a black cloud around my birthday. The other anniversary is around my sons birthday (stepfather relationship). Christmas is off the table, he won't spend it with my family and myself and disappears. In fact he won't even put a tree up with me.

I have to be quite careful when it comes to things to do with families, like even talking about how much I love my mum for example. I wouldn't just come out and say that but I guess I mean in the context of a conversation.

He is starting another round of counselling soon.

I am worried about my reaction to things like not participating in Christmas. I love him very much but the fact that I have reached eye rolling territory is not pleasent. I don't know if this makes me a horrible person, or whether I should have compromised with him? But how do you compromise with someone who experienced trauma so young, do I even have the right to? I have no idea what I am doing, but I do not want to be unreasonable. If it is entirely fair that he opts out of family life three times a year then I will accept it, but this situation isn't one I have experience with. He is my best friend, but I don't think I can be honest with him about how I feel at this point in time. He said the other day, oh Christmas season soon. Which is almost like a warning that he's going to be withdrawn.

Thank you and I would appreciate some constructive feedback

Grief is an individual thing, my mum lost her mum at aged 5 and has not withdrawn from life she's 78 now and enjoying being a grandmother at last. Everyone is different.

I suspect his deceased parents would not like to see the joy sucked out of Christmas on their behalf.

Regardless ...

I would say the thing that is really eating at him is the fact that nobody really 'got' him as a person after the death of his parents. That is what he is missing, that feeling of being known and loved and understood. Someone needs to tell him that you are offering him that, and that it is up to him to see the glass half full or half empty here.

Was his parents' death sudden or due to illness, and if illness, did it involve a long period of hope slowly dying? This can be very hard on a child.

Does he have siblings? What was his place in the family (only child, oldest, middle, youngest)?

Omg poor man. I lost my dad as a young teen and my god the pain now is so raw and desperate because I know he will never be here again and I will die never having spoken to him again. It’s worse now I’m older than him. There was a period when life was busy and he was faded as a sore spot but always there. He will never see my son play rugby, play for his club, never be proud of me for anything, never comfort me. It’s almost unbearable.
I read recently about traumatic bereavement of children - they don’t have to be gruesome deaths, just an experience that is more traumatic than expected for x reason.
I don’t know what to suggest. I probably would accept it and encourage him to therapy but not embrace it and just explain to my son that humans aren’t perfect but we try to improve if we are decent people. Which your oh sounds like.

@MollysDolly

some people even knowing my background think I should be over this and joining in

No one's saying this. Having the time and space you need for yourself is one thing. Being withdrawn around Christmas because your DM died that day, (so sorry ) is completely understandable. Do you withdraw for a month on mother's day. Do you withdraw for a month for her birthday. Do you refuse to celebrate all Christmases or birthdays (yours and theirs) with your partner and children.

There's a big difference. Very few would find the latter acceptable when a child is impacted so detrimentally because of it.

As I said, compromise is possible and it is possible to operate reasonably normally. To get to this point though needs an understanding that there will be quietness at times and some space may be required. Most counsellors will discuss coping approaches of this type.

I couldn't live like this, with months of our lives passing by under a cloud. You deserve to celebrate birthdays and Christmas like everyone else, and you don't actually have to live like this. You can love someone but it not work out for other reasons, and this is a very big reason

This, with bells on. I wouldn't be able to continue the relationship. What happened to him is sad but you only have one life and you need to put yourself and your son first and foremost. I cannot emphasise how much you will come to resent him. That's just no way to live.

not having any parents, you SHIT yourself and feel like you have no support and you're all alone, the world seems so big and yes, you can just stop growing the day they die and you stay that age.

@AdmiralCain

I grew up with a family who lost both parents in the space of a few years, both after long illnesses. There were some good outcomes in the children's adult lives, and some disasters involving MH problems, unresolved grief, and self medication. Resilience is a funny thing.

I lost my parents young too. My husband supports me - and asks me if I want to do something specific on their birthdays / death anniversaries. It's not that difficult.

@BlameItOnTheBlackStar

I couldn't live like this, with months of our lives passing by under a cloud. You deserve to celebrate birthdays and Christmas like everyone else, and you don't actually have to live like this. You can love someone but it not work out for other reasons, and this is a very big reason.

This. ^ My empathy would only stretch so far tbh. I would get compassion fatigue.

Reminds me of a man who used to work at a place my DH worked at. (It was open 24/7 for 365 days a year including Christmas day.) This bloke's dad died on Christmas day in 1996. He seemed to think that this somehow entitled him to have every Christmas off (when others had to work it.) He refused to even do every second Christmas, always insisting he can't as it was 'too painful...' (He was 35 when they died, and his kids were 15 and 14.)

Whilst people were quite understanding and sympathetic for the first 2 or 3 years, it started to grate after that. The last I heard, he was STILL refusing to work Christmas, even 15 years later, 10 years after his kids had left home, because 'my dad died Christmas day.'

Not exactly the same as the OP's situation, but this thread just reminded me of this man. Upset at a bereavement, yeah that's understandable, but to still be letting it affect your life 15+ years later. (and more importantly, the lives of everyone around you,) is ludicrous and very unfair on others.

'Not exactly the same as the OP's situation'

No it isn't remotely the same is it. Supporting loved ones is one thing, expecting colleagues to cover every Christmas at work is quite another.

My dad passed away when I was 7, my mum when I was 35 (after a long period of dementia). I hope I'm not making my partner's life miserable around that time or stopping them enjoying their birthday or Christmas.

My husband's son passed away 2 days before Christmas, he doesn't make that a miserable time - neither do the rest of his family.

I and they have learnt ways to deal with our loss and grief while letting others live.

OP - I don't think it's unreasonable you want a nice birthday. I wouldn't be able to stay in a relationship like that.

No advice OP, just wanted to say that your feelings are perfectly valid and you sound like a lovely person.

@Babka

I lost my parents young too. My husband supports me - and asks me if I want to do something specific on their birthdays / death anniversaries. It's not that difficult.

And that's fine. Spending a sixth of the year, every year, in mourning, is not compatible with living in a family with children.

I have an eight year old son and stage 4 cancer so he will face losing me.
Your post gave me hope and disappointment in equal measures. Your partner has obviously been able manage a his
loss and survive difficult times afterwards. You describe him as vibrant and your best friend and nothing in your post suggests that he doesn't function in everyday life, but it is anniversaries that cause him sadness. Maybe he needs these periods of reflection to allow him to function at other times.
Before you embarked on family life with him were you aware that he had lost his parents?
I think you have two choices either except that these are difficult times for him or move on and let him find someone who won't pressure him or roll their eyes . Do you really think that grief can be healed?.
I will be very proud to think my son will survive my loss and it gives me hope. My disappointment comes from thinking that he will come under pressure to get over his grief and plaster on a smile for the sake of others.

@littledandelionclock even though it may seem ludicrous, it's still how the colleague seems to feel.

For us it can be so hard and frustrating to understand the feelings of others. i think constant greivers get stuck in the cycle and feel it's a way of being close to the lo. Like an old comfy cardigan it becomes their go-to habit. its in a way more like an MH issue, years later...

But there has to be a compromise here. we always had a toast to "absent friends" at Christmas. Still do. visit my df's grave quietly on thebday. Maybe theres some way of acknowledging his loss then concentrating on the day.

But I get he is still triggered by all his previous years grieving habits by now and you could come accross as insensitive if you approach it 'wrongly'...

@Runningwithoutstopping oh that stopped me in my tracks I am so sorry and feel privileged to read your post

@LuckyAmy1986
Nope, but I did lose a parent 17 years ago. It was a long time ago, by anyone's standards. I felt very sorry for myself for a long time, but I don't define myself as the personification of bereavement and I don't think I made anyone else suffer. It must be awful to lose a parent as a child, but by the time you're an adult you must be able to understand - your lost parent didn't abandon you on purpose. It was just a tragic accident. You can't waste your whole life being all "woe is me". 2 months of every year is a sixth of your life! For what?

@Clymene

And that's fine. Spending a sixth of the year, every year, in mourning, is not compatible with living in a family with children.

Exactly. It's hard to lose someone close, and especially your parents, but to let it affect family life forever and a day, is very self centred. And it always seems to be men who do this. Women are too busy with work, family, home, and children to wallow in self-pity their whole lives, because they lost their parents young.

I think his treatment of you is critical here as well.

You're not denying him the outlet to grieve, or mourn.

Specific example, he won't participate in putting the tree up. When you and DS have, it would not be beyond his ability to say "you've both done a lovely job of the tree" even if he retreats again after. As way of acknowledging you are equals within the family, and appreciated, even if he isn't able to be part of some things right now.

It's very different if he comes out of the spare room. Stares mournfully at the tree. Stares mournfully at you and DS. And walks off in silence.

Which does he do?

[quote LittleDandelionClock]@Clymene

And that's fine. Spending a sixth of the year, every year, in mourning, is not compatible with living in a family with children.

Exactly. It's hard to lose someone close, and especially your parents, but to let it affect family life forever and a day, is very self centred. And it always seems to be men who do this. Women are too busy with work, family, home, and children to wallow in self-pity their whole lives, because they lost their parents young.[/quote]
Exactly.

Nobody is saying you cannot grieve or be sad. But for one-sixth of the year, a member of the household goes into mourning, to the point where they withdraw from everyone else, is excessive and unkind to the people living with them, one of whom is a child.

Agree with you @PuttingOnTheKitsch

It's not just how he feels, but whether he understands the impact of this on you, and what he's doing about it that's important.

In your shoes, I would say that given our relationship, I would want to very pro-actively support him to leave this extensive grieving behind, and to remember his parents in different ways in future. He might feel that he's disrepecting or forgetting them if he doesn't grieve so obviously, there could be many reasons.

Suggest a trip with him (each year if needed) back to places that he loved to go with them. Ask him to try to break the association with particular dates, because life is for living, and our relationships and influence on each other in life is far more important than any specific day or date.

I'm sure this has been devastating for him - he's still quite a young adult.

But be very clear that he has to get past this, and that you will try to help him remember his parents positively, and in a different way.

I am guessing this has become a ritual for him to both honour his parents and feel connected to them. I suspect he would feel guilty if he stopped. Maybe help him find a positive way to achieve the same feeling of honouring them and connecting with them? How about a road trip visiting the places they grew up and a photo album? He seems to be stuck in time and needs to process things.

or maybe he thinks this is the best way to keep their memories alive?

He needs quite a specialist level trauma therapy. They take a few years to work through things.

His loss was at a pivotal time when the teenage brain is forming permanent connections. These connections are similar to the first three years of a child's life when all their important bonds and connections are made. There is a teenage window of resorting and making new connections, sadly this traumatic life event took place at this time.

To him it's not a life event he will be able to get over without help.

It's worth spending money on this in the right direction. The length of treatment needed to get back on track isn't available on the NHS. The resources are not there and short sessions of trauma therapy can be more damaging.

He has the right to feel as he does and you have the right to decide whether or not it is acceptable. If you feel it isn't, he can decide whether he wants to try and change how he feels. If he does then there are solutions available. If he doesn't then you can make your own decision.

Frankly it sounds like a poor way to live and very unfair on your son who is being denied good times and good memories.