His parents died 17 years ago

[SorrySadDog]

I fully suspect I am being entirely unreasonable, however I am struggling to identify what is selfish (on my part) and what is potentially not. I have approached this so far from a very understanding place, I put his emotional needs first. But for some reason my patience is wearing thin!

Okay so, my other half's parents died when he was 13. He suffers from PTSD, he had a fairly shitty life after that, he lived with family who didn't really understand him and he went off the rails. He currently works for himself, and is happy with the life he is making for himself.

It seems the pain of his parents passing when he was so young has not really lessened, I am not him (obviously) so I can't really say but I think thats about right.

I make allowances for the fact that he might sometimes need to withdraw, you know, I won't pressure him to come out and be "happy" if I can see he needs time alone.

However.....I am starting to get irritated and a bit rolling my eyes and I am not sure why, or how to stop. Whether I am being entirely unreasonable or not.

Twice a year an entire month is wiped out because of the anniversaries of his parents deaths. One of those months my birthday and his mothers birthday were very close. So there is a black cloud around my birthday. The other anniversary is around my sons birthday (stepfather relationship). Christmas is off the table, he won't spend it with my family and myself and disappears. In fact he won't even put a tree up with me.

I have to be quite careful when it comes to things to do with families, like even talking about how much I love my mum for example. I wouldn't just come out and say that but I guess I mean in the context of a conversation.

He is starting another round of counselling soon.

I am worried about my reaction to things like not participating in Christmas. I love him very much but the fact that I have reached eye rolling territory is not pleasent. I don't know if this makes me a horrible person, or whether I should have compromised with him? But how do you compromise with someone who experienced trauma so young, do I even have the right to? I have no idea what I am doing, but I do not want to be unreasonable. If it is entirely fair that he opts out of family life three times a year then I will accept it, but this situation isn't one I have experience with. He is my best friend, but I don't think I can be honest with him about how I feel at this point in time. He said the other day, oh Christmas season soon. Which is almost like a warning that he's going to be withdrawn.

Thank you and I would appreciate some constructive feedback

That is a very good point @LittleDandelionClock. Thinking about it, I have a few female friends who lost parents at a young age in tragic circumstances. They have families now and their lives do not revolve around their mother's grief.

I also note that both the OP's birthday and her son's fall during the designated months of mourning. And I'm not clear whether his refusal to join in with Christmas is part of those two months or in addition to them. Either way, it's excessive. Particularly when they aren't even the poor boy's grandparents.

I would hope that if anything happens to me, that my children will be able to move in time. The idea that they would still be mourning my death for a month nearly 20 years later is dreadful.

@Clymene

That is a very good point *@LittleDandelionClock*. Thinking about it, I have a few female friends who lost parents at a young age in tragic circumstances. They have families now and their lives do not revolve around their mother's grief.

I also note that both the OP's birthday and her son's fall during the designated months of mourning. And I'm not clear whether his refusal to join in with Christmas is part of those two months or in addition to them. Either way, it's excessive. Particularly when they aren't even the poor boy's grandparents.

I would hope that if anything happens to me, that my children will be able to move in time. The idea that they would still be mourning my death for a month nearly 20 years later is dreadful.

I was wondering that too @Clymene .. If the son AND the OP's birthdays are the Christmas week, then surely THESE must be affected too...

A friends husband was widowed with two children fast forward forty years until he died. He would be like this on birthdays, Christmas, his wedding anniversary, they had a second family but he never recovered would tell everyone how wonderful his first wife was. When he died everything went to the children from his first marriage nothing for his other children or second wife.

It was such a waste of a life for him and my friend, you cannot compete with ghosts.

Join him in counselling it may be a decision maker for you to endure or move forward

He has had a terrible start which will of course impact his life and your family. Nonetheless he sounds as though he's done well to reconstruct his life. He is still young and clearly keen to process his grief and move on, which is why he is going to counselling.

I would work round him as much as possible but also find a way to communicate with him, perhaps through counselling together so you can express how you feel and maybe find some solutions going forward. It would also help you to understand his predicament a little better. Your weariness isn't surprising - you're only human - but you don't want too much of that going forward as it will drive you apart.

I see someone mentioned EMDR - tapping is also really good for dealing with trauma.

I don't agree with the replies which suggest he is too much hard work - shit happens at some point in most lives and that is when you need people who love you. If you love each other and consider him your best friend I would stick with him.

Childhood parental loss is classified as trauma. He’s had a double trauma, plus a load of shit afterwards.

I’m not suprised he’s like he is. It affects people differently. It left me with adjustment disorder and fear of abandonment. Dh is very supportive, but tells me when I’m going too far. And l need that. Sometimes when your lost in the mire of mental illness you need support and for someone to stand up for you.

If you are fed up if it either talk to him or leave him. I don’t know what else to suggest. Lots of people on here are quite harsh. Childhood trauma is really hard to deal with.

What he went through was truly traumatic but it seems to me that he actually wants to live in the past. Have you asked him whether he wants to be happier and what steps he could make to build new happy memories around events. If he keeps reinforcing those same bad memories around anniversaries/key events, then he will only make things worse. Can he be encouraged to think about happy childhood memories when his parents were alive regarding Xmas and perhaps look at recreating some new ones. He's not leaving his past behind by creating new different memories. It's still there, but that doesn't mean that he can't look forward as well as back.

@justasking111

A friends husband was widowed with two children fast forward forty years until he died. He would be like this on birthdays, Christmas, his wedding anniversary, they had a second family but he never recovered would tell everyone how wonderful his first wife was. When he died everything went to the children from his first marriage nothing for his other children or second wife.

It was such a waste of a life for him and my friend, you cannot compete with ghosts.

Join him in counselling it may be a decision maker for you to endure or move forward

OMG that sounds awful. How sad for his new family. Sounds like he should not have remarried tbh.

It's like you're describing my dad. His mum died when he was 15. Very traumatic, but like your OH he was still in a very raw grief stage when I was 15 myself (he had me at 24). The month of her birthday would be a month of low mood etc. He blamed all his shitty behaviours on her death or the meningitis he got as a baby. My dad has EUPD, I'm not sure if that plays into any of it or not.

I guess it depends if you can live with it. I don't think you're particularly bad or lacking in empathy etc. I think it's just a difference between you both. It's good that he's in therapy, but I wouldn't expect any dramatic changes any time soon though they may happen over time.

I don't supposed he has ever considered that if his parents had lived he may not be so fond of them now. He probably had a very happy childhood and lost them at a difficult age but his great love may not have lasted if unforeseen ''events'' occurred such as divorce etc - just speculating. ''The past is a foreign country ...etc''. But it seems he was an only child too, perhaps ''spoilt'' - so he feels their loss more.

@tara66

I don't supposed he has ever considered that if his parents had lived he may not be so fond of them now. He probably had a very happy childhood and lost them at a difficult age but his great love may not have lasted if unforeseen ''events'' occurred such as divorce etc - just speculating. ''The past is a foreign country ...etc''. But it seems he was an only child too, perhaps ''spoilt'' - so he feels their loss more.

It's not a particularly normal thought process I don't think? "Oh well if they were alive then I'd probably think they were dickheads!" isn't a typical grieving style.. if you're getting that his perception of them is still stuck in the childlike view he had of them at the time he died then it does make sense, but I do still think it's hard to lose both parents at 13. Your brain is literally making new connections during puberty and his were disrupted by trauma.

I think it's probably a good idea to have some family therapy/couples therapy alongside the solo counselling he is getting.

To help you both process this joint situation to see if there is a way forward towards a mutual supportive environment which meets everyone's needs.

He needs a therapist who can help him get to a place where he can allow himself to be happy again, he sounds a troubled soul.

I don't supposed he has ever considered that if his parents had lived he may not be so fond of them now. He probably had a very happy childhood and lost them at a difficult age but his great love may not have lasted if unforeseen ''events'' occurred such as divorce etc - just speculating. ''The past is a foreign country ...etc''. But it seems he was an only child too, perhaps ''spoilt'' - so he feels their loss more

Horrible comment. Most people are very attached to their parents, spoilt or not. The fact that he is struggling so much shows the depth of his attachment. My views didn’t change as my parents got older. I didn’t become disconnected from them. Well my mum anyway, df died when l was 7. I don’t ever think l idealised him, I hardly knew him. But his death left a huge black hole all through my adult life.

I feel truly truly sorry for him. He has experienced great loss at a time where as a PP said, it is burned indelibly into his being. He maybe feels that regimented grieving is the only connection he still had to his parents and that he owes them that sadness. Living the majority of your life without the two people who are (supposed to) love and support you unconditionally (yes I know lots of parents don't) must be such a heavy burden and must weigh very heavily on him. That being said, life must and does go on and you have a right to celebrate the birthdays of the people who are still with us. If you are growing impatient with his grief process maybe you need to remove yourself from him. Grief is such a personal thing and we're absolutely entitled to experience in whatever way we need to in the present moment. He sounds like a good man who's tried to make the best of a broken life. My heart goes out to you all.

I think it's really sad society as a whole seems so inept at dealing with children's grief, l experienced this first hand when my two sons lost their dad at a young age. Nobody seemed to know what to say or do around them and they were just expected to carry on and keep up with everyone else.
The grief counsellor was worse than useless, why put people in these roles with no first hand knowledge?
I feel very sorry for your partner what a horrific experience at such a vulnerable age. It could be that he felt he was forced to carry on and keep up as though nothing had happened, which is very strongly encouraged here in this country by others as it makes things easier for them, but sadly very damaging for the bereaved.
I think deep down he could feel guilty, or shame for maybe trying to enjoy these celebrations ?
I understand that this is difficult for you, l think there are online forums for adults that have lost parents at a young age, this may benefit your partner greatly, to be amongst others who have shared a similar experience and l think he would find much understanding. It could be he felt he wasn't allowed to express his grief, and this is his way of taking control.

My ex was like that his mum committed suicide and her body was found at Christmas it was terrible fir him however after never being able to discuss Christmas plans and total run roughshod over my feelings I had enough sad though it is it’s not my life

Op im on a fb group called ‘ Adults bereaved as Chikdren’. It’s really helpful. It’s also an area of grief that very few people understand And yet it is possibly one of the most traumatic one of all. As children don’t really have a ‘voice’ it’s often overridden or ignored.

I think Winstons Wish have an adult section too.

I think some of the comments on here are appalling. Loss of both parents at 13. That’s really hard to come back from tbh. All these people talking about moving forward. It would have destroyed me.

Suicide at Christmas… how to fuck your child up for ever.

No one is saying that he should get over it. The question is whether it is appropriate for the whole family's life to revolve around it.

There is another boy here whose childhood is being ruined by his stepfather's grief.

I recently lost my parents and I put on a happy face. I take an hour or five minutes sometimes but then get hold of myself.
After such a long time I would expect him to be down around birthdays or the anniversaries but it shouldn’t be impacting on you.
Have you spoken to him about how much it does impact on you as a family?

I will be very proud to think my son will survive my loss and it gives me hope. My disappointment comes from thinking that he will come under pressure to get over his grief and plaster on a smile for the sake of others

So sorry to hear of your situation, and I am sure your DS will be drawing strength from your love.

However, there is surely a middle way between being asked to plaster on a smile, and losing 2 months of the year to grief, nearly 2 decades after a death?

40 years ago, I was your DS. I still think of my DF every single day - usually multiple times a day - with love. There are so many little reminders. He is very much alive to me in my heart. But I don't think he would have wanted me to be unable to celebrate holidays or birthdays, or to lose 2 months a year for the rest of my life, especially if at the expense of my DP/family.

It's difficult to say.

He sounds quite selfish BUT, speaking as someone who has lost my Father and both Grandfathers just before Christmas (on different years), I think it can be hard for people to understand how difficult this period can be.

With everyone running around shouting 'Happy holidays' and being forcefully joyful and questioning what's wrong with you if you aren't... not everyone views Christmas as a happy time.

I associate it with sitting in rooms with the curtains drawn, drinking endless cups of tea and planning funerals.

He is getting counselling so that's a really positive step. But anniversaries will happen every year, so if you're not up to supporting him through that, I'd make plans to step away now. Or arrange couples counselling to let him know that it affects you too?

Neither of you are wrong!

I do think you need to talk to him about how you are feeling though. It may well come to a point that you are so frustrated that you want to finish it and it wouldn’t be fair to get to that point without alerting him to how you are feeling. It may or may not be something he can address, but I feel he does need honesty. You can be honest and understanding, whilst acknowledging that he’s not being unreasonable in how he feels either.

If you open this can of worms you must be prepared for him to withdraw further though. I’m not sure I could live your life at the moment though. The frustration is only going to get worse.

I think he needs EDMR rather than counselling.

Can he be encouraged to think about happy childhood memories when his parents were alive regarding Xmas and perhaps look at recreating some new ones. He's not leaving his past behind by creating new different memories. It's still there, but that doesn't mean that he can't look forward as well as back.

YY to that.

Though he may have a lot of guilt to deal with as he tries to move forward. He possibly believes he is honouring them and has got stuck.