His parents died 17 years ago

[SorrySadDog]

I fully suspect I am being entirely unreasonable, however I am struggling to identify what is selfish (on my part) and what is potentially not. I have approached this so far from a very understanding place, I put his emotional needs first. But for some reason my patience is wearing thin!

Okay so, my other half's parents died when he was 13. He suffers from PTSD, he had a fairly shitty life after that, he lived with family who didn't really understand him and he went off the rails. He currently works for himself, and is happy with the life he is making for himself.

It seems the pain of his parents passing when he was so young has not really lessened, I am not him (obviously) so I can't really say but I think thats about right.

I make allowances for the fact that he might sometimes need to withdraw, you know, I won't pressure him to come out and be "happy" if I can see he needs time alone.

However.....I am starting to get irritated and a bit rolling my eyes and I am not sure why, or how to stop. Whether I am being entirely unreasonable or not.

Twice a year an entire month is wiped out because of the anniversaries of his parents deaths. One of those months my birthday and his mothers birthday were very close. So there is a black cloud around my birthday. The other anniversary is around my sons birthday (stepfather relationship). Christmas is off the table, he won't spend it with my family and myself and disappears. In fact he won't even put a tree up with me.

I have to be quite careful when it comes to things to do with families, like even talking about how much I love my mum for example. I wouldn't just come out and say that but I guess I mean in the context of a conversation.

He is starting another round of counselling soon.

I am worried about my reaction to things like not participating in Christmas. I love him very much but the fact that I have reached eye rolling territory is not pleasent. I don't know if this makes me a horrible person, or whether I should have compromised with him? But how do you compromise with someone who experienced trauma so young, do I even have the right to? I have no idea what I am doing, but I do not want to be unreasonable. If it is entirely fair that he opts out of family life three times a year then I will accept it, but this situation isn't one I have experience with. He is my best friend, but I don't think I can be honest with him about how I feel at this point in time. He said the other day, oh Christmas season soon. Which is almost like a warning that he's going to be withdrawn.

Thank you and I would appreciate some constructive feedback

Reread the posts from @Gliderx and @Clymene

This is no way for your son (or you) to live.
He has to be your priority.

Oh sorry, you have a child.

If you collude with all of your partner's sensitivities then a lot will be projected on to your child. He will be 'insensitive' or he will be 'selfish'.

Smash this bullshit up before it takes hold.

Tell him "im content" and "i want our child to be content" when he expects you to go in to mourning several times a year.

My dad's mum died when he was 7 and my dad went to a psychiactric hospital a couple of times. Im still unravelling the labels that were projected on to me by both parents in order to maintain a family "unit"

I sympathise OP. I had a "project" ex who in his mid-40's still had major issues over his parents' divorce when he was 11. With all the understanding and patience in the world (because I really adored him) my sympathy really wore off over the years and it started to drive me crazy (in an "eye roll"-type of way). In my case, he never got better and I had to get away from this maddening behaviour.

how old is he?

i dont think i could stay in this relationship as described

OP you (and he) should look up "traumatic grief" and "complex PTSD/CPTSD.

Instead of people saying "he's stuck" (which is true), it's better to look at it as he's still suffering greatly. He's in an enormous amount of pain. He's also not choosing this but he's doing his best.

I would highly recommend that he gets proper trauma counselling. I'd put the focus on that rather than grief/bereavement. Certainly not general counselling. EMDR can be very helpful with getting the "stuck" bit "unstuck". It doesn't mean he'll forget his parents, or how horrific he felt, but he will just not feel quite so horrific.

I wonder too if he sees these periods as a way of remembering. And as such, that somewhere he believes that if he doesn't mark these tremendous losses in the way he does, that it will make his pain and their passing appear less significant.

I would want to go to a therapy session with him and in that session bring this up, as well as the idea of finding a way to positively remember them - in a way that hurts him less. I do not mean he would be feeling positive, or and absolutely not that it's a "just change how you're thinking abd it'll be fine" type of thing. More that he may not have considered this because he's still overwhelmed by the pain and offering an alternative could be helpful in looking at another way to deal with it all, probably after EMDR, or something else that helps the pain move a bit. I'm meaning something that remembers the pain, but like a wake also celebrated the people lost. I would want to have that discussion with a therapist present because it's likely to be difficult and it's extremely sensitive. S/he could help him understand that you're supporting him, not attacking him, if misunderstood.

As for your feelings OP, there is no right or wrong. I think you have to accept that this is how things are, he's doing his best and that's the most you can ask for. You can hope that things get easier, but if you hope they get easier because you're hanging on by a thread (or will be), that's not likely to end well. If you're hoping they get better because you're fine with things you just wish he had less pain, then that's a bit different. No moral judgement there for either of those btw. It can be that you cannot live like this. Your bodily reactions are instinctive and clearly your system is fed up. It's important to listen to that. You do not need to remain with someone because they have a tragic background. Maybe it would be better not living together for example?

The bottom line is there is no solution here, the compromises will primarily come from you, and it's not fair. But there is no "fair" in this situation. For some people the compromises are not so taxing for them. For others they are too much. It's completely individual. Do not prioritise his well-being over yours though. You have to make sure you remain close to what feels right for you. The consequences down the line are huge for you if you don't do this.

I feel very sorry for all those involved.
I think so many PP have made very valid and moving responses.
However the standout comment for me is from @Gliderx:

“ You can't fix things for your partner, but you can try to ensure that they are not 'broken' for your son.”

My work involves youth mental health. Having read that your son is 10, and that your relationship is 4 years old, my gut feeling is that you so need to prioritise your son and his needs.

sorry, i have worked it out, he is 30

He sounds too damaged to be in a relationship, to be honest, and it isn't safe for your child to be around a man who gets drunk, maudlin and triggered by PTSD.

His life was fucked up. Why should your son's be?

@XelaM

I sympathise OP. I had a "project" ex who in his mid-40's still had major issues over his parents' divorce when he was 11. With all the understanding and patience in the world (because I really adored him) my sympathy really wore off over the years and it started to drive me crazy (in an "eye roll"-type of way). In my case, he never got better and I had to get away from this maddening behaviour.

Just a divorce? Christ! See now I think some people just deem themselves an eternal victim of the same event and never grow beyond it. Without it, they have no personality.

FWIW, when my trauma impacted my life, I got therapy to learn to deal. It was vital to me not to pass that trauma to my children.

Not bang on about multiple times a year and drink to forget.

Yanbu.

A lot of people lose people they love in tragic circumstamces and find a way to be present and functional, especially in their kids lives. As a stepparent he doesnt have the luxury of grieving this way because kids come first.

I sympathise but i suspect youll spend your life bending to support him because he isnt moving forward and finding a way to cope. My honest advice is to move on - however amazing he is the rest of the time. Because it impacts your son too much.

He needs to want to work on himself rather than using his energy to have a relationship. Do you generelly make his life easier than he makes yours?

If he cannot be functional in a relationship then he needs to use the energy working on his coping mechamisms. Not a relationship.

@MRex

I don't disagree with you. I have children with additional needs and I've had to struggle on as a lone parent for years . No grandparents, parents, siblings, aunties, uncles or cousins due to the losses. No one left. I carry the weight of this grief day in day out. It envelopes everything.

But with the exception of particular trigger days where I share it, I internalise it so dc are protected from it. I go out my way to make memories and give them all the experiences they can cherish specifically because I know exactly how fragile life is. I have so many regrets that I can never change so I make damn sure this won't be the case going forward. It may be too late for me but I've broken the cycle for them. I would never want them to carry this burden. No parent would.

I just take issue with some of the unsympathetic, simplistic replies. Unless people have been through similar then I get incredibly angry at such comments. The op needs to prioritise her son but but no one can tell another how to grieve. Her partner may be doing the best he can.

I hope you find at least supportive friends @Willyoujustbequiet, and that time eventually eases your present difficulties and your traumatic memories.

Sorry you're going through this.

Some of the suggestions here sound credible and sensible. For example, a few people have mentioned that he may be trapped in a bit of a cycle of guilt whereby he feels he can't let the manner of grieving go. Focusing on the posts from people who have suffered a loss though makes me think that although it sounds logical it may not be what he's going through/how grief usually manifests itself. Likewise with things like getting him to find a more positive way to celebrate their lives. These things might be well-intentioned but just not a pathway. Or they might be.

I couldn't see a pathway for myself here without having some of my own counselling and probably something that involved my partner as well.

I wonder how much he really is 'spoiling Christmas' for your son. What I mean is - these people weren't anyone to your son, do you think he could be more at 'arm's length' from your DPs emotion around it than you think? Has your son every said anything to you about it his behaviour at other times? Looking through your posts I can't really see any comment on this. I am not saying the atmosphere is ideal for him (and if there haven't been questions yet as your son gets older I'd expect some). Clearly it is very reasonable for YOU to want a partner to celebrate with. I couldn't cope with the lifestyle you are currently dealing with.

OP I was wondering
About the anniversary month, does he literally do the "oh, November, grieving month". I have noticed this is increasingly a thing and a pp upthread mentioned an expectation to feel sad at particular times.

I wonder if he's got into something he maybe doesn't even want to do but can't figure his way out of it.

You feel you can't express your love for your parents. What does your son have to hold back on? What joy and love does he have to deny or suppress? How will this affect him going forward? This is what would concern me. Your partner is centring his own grief and feelings without any regard for how they are affecting others.

Does he acknowledge that his response is affecting you? Does he want to change or are you supposed to accept a childhood full of miserable Christmases for your son? It's not a long relationship. Unless he is committed to changing, I would be leaving. I wouldn't want myself or my son to live like this.

You are berating yourself for finding this hard work/feeling it's getting old and you've had enough of it @SorrySadDog , but I think anyone would.

Im sorry . That is very sad for him
However. You have only one life to live
And a life with him sounds like a life in whicj you always have to compromise/understand/accept/shelter/comfort him
But never the other way around.

This is not normal behaviour. And you should try to set yourself free andlive a happy life. He cant live one. So he wont ever be able to give you one...

Everyone who experiences trauma reacts to it differently. Some are able to create positive forces from it, others are stuck in pain and loss. It's really down to the individual person.

Everyone has the right to decide what they will accept in a relationship. If you find this relationship is not working for you, you have the right to say so.

Good luck to you both.

Runningwithoutstopping I'm so sorry to hear that.

I think if your son has supportive adults in his life and space and time to process the grief then the chances are very good that he will come through.

May I suggest writing him letters to be opened later, or a journal? I would give anything to know a bit about my adoptive mother who died when I was 11/12. I have only some memories and her wedding ring and a shawl. I wish so much I could know more about her.

ErmineAndPearls
Time heals all things, doesn't it? Maybe it's an over-simplification but I believe that's basically true

It does for some, it doesn't for others. Deep grief is profoundly individual. You can't make accurate sweeping generalizations.

SorrySadDog how much have you been able to talk to him about how his Dark Cloud times affects you and your son? I think that ~talking~ to him is the best thing you can do, and being honest about how youré feeling and trying to find a way forward with him. But he needs to know how you're (quite reasonably!) feeling. I say that you're quite reasonable because you are, and I myself live with the devastation of early parental loss and the post-loss wasteland that came with a useless father and no close by family, plus other traumas that aren't relevant here.

But your life and your son's need to be bearable.