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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His parents died 17 years ago

271 replies

SorrySadDog · 16/11/2021 13:13

I fully suspect I am being entirely unreasonable, however I am struggling to identify what is selfish (on my part) and what is potentially not. I have approached this so far from a very understanding place, I put his emotional needs first. But for some reason my patience is wearing thin!

Okay so, my other half's parents died when he was 13. He suffers from PTSD, he had a fairly shitty life after that, he lived with family who didn't really understand him and he went off the rails. He currently works for himself, and is happy with the life he is making for himself.

It seems the pain of his parents passing when he was so young has not really lessened, I am not him (obviously) so I can't really say but I think thats about right.

I make allowances for the fact that he might sometimes need to withdraw, you know, I won't pressure him to come out and be "happy" if I can see he needs time alone.

However.....I am starting to get irritated and a bit rolling my eyes and I am not sure why, or how to stop. Whether I am being entirely unreasonable or not.

Twice a year an entire month is wiped out because of the anniversaries of his parents deaths. One of those months my birthday and his mothers birthday were very close. So there is a black cloud around my birthday. The other anniversary is around my sons birthday (stepfather relationship). Christmas is off the table, he won't spend it with my family and myself and disappears. In fact he won't even put a tree up with me.

I have to be quite careful when it comes to things to do with families, like even talking about how much I love my mum for example. I wouldn't just come out and say that but I guess I mean in the context of a conversation.

He is starting another round of counselling soon.

I am worried about my reaction to things like not participating in Christmas. I love him very much but the fact that I have reached eye rolling territory is not pleasent. I don't know if this makes me a horrible person, or whether I should have compromised with him? But how do you compromise with someone who experienced trauma so young, do I even have the right to? I have no idea what I am doing, but I do not want to be unreasonable. If it is entirely fair that he opts out of family life three times a year then I will accept it, but this situation isn't one I have experience with. He is my best friend, but I don't think I can be honest with him about how I feel at this point in time. He said the other day, oh Christmas season soon. Which is almost like a warning that he's going to be withdrawn.

Thank you and I would appreciate some constructive feedback

OP posts:
Original poster
SorrySadDog · 16/11/2021 13:15

Just to clarify, I'm talking about my gut reactions to things like my birthday - not what my head is telling me is right. I thought it best to be honest however I am prepared to be torn apart. I don't sit there sulking ITS MY BIRTHDAY or anything like that because I do think its better to look after him when hes having dark days.

OP posts:
MyCatHatesEverybody · 16/11/2021 13:16

I don't think it's fair to bring someone with unresolved issues that impact so heavily on everyone around them into your son's life.

BlameItOnTheBlackStar · 16/11/2021 13:17

I couldn't live like this, with months of our lives passing by under a cloud. You deserve to celebrate birthdays and Christmas like everyone else, and you don't actually have to live like this. You can love someone but it not work out for other reasons, and this is a very big reason.

Whatonearth07957 · 16/11/2021 13:18

Be sympathetic but organise your own things, that if he's feeling up to it he can join. Do you live together? That sounds draining and a bit of a half life. You should put yourself and DC first.

Sunshine1235 · 16/11/2021 13:19

This sounds really hard OP, I’m sorry it’s not something I have much experience with but I wonder whether you could have some counselling together so you get a chance to talk around the issues with someone else present? Or are their grief charities that you could call yourself for some advice?

Original poster
SorrySadDog · 16/11/2021 13:20

Yes we do live together, most of the time he's a vibrant person - the difference between the two states is quite dramatic but he does take himself off to the spare room rather than put it on us if that makes sense. If my son was to go and talk to him, he wouldn't talking to him like he was in a bad mood, he pulls himself out of it when he needs to.

He's just fairly regimented in that he expects to be sad at Christmas so he's sad. Does that make sense? I don't know if people always will associate a specific period of time with pain or whether sometimes its a bit of a habit. I don't really know how to explain that as I am making assumptions

OP posts:
GiantHaystacks2021 · 16/11/2021 13:20

He's obviously very, very hard work and he is what I would call a project.
I could never have taken him on, in the first place.
Misery loves company and all that.
Sorry.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 16/11/2021 13:22

I think parental deaths get harder to deal with as you age, not easier. Those who’ve lost a parent early often say thi.

My dad died when l was 7. I think about him all the time and get upset on his birthday and death day. I hardly remember him. My mum died 15 years ago. I miss her immensely, but it doesn’t get harder as l knew her until l was 45.

Personwithrage · 16/11/2021 13:23

He needs to recognise that it's not reasonable or acceptable for the long shadow of his parents' deaths to stretch so far or so wide. He needs to acknowledge the huge detrimental effect this is having on him and those around him, seek help and engage with it.

You can love and support someone but still require them to have insight into their issues and how they impact on those around them.

I'd be distancing myself and my dc from this person where possible so that the DC can enjoy shared holidays and celebrations.

NellieBertram · 16/11/2021 13:24

You need to accept that he may never "get over it" and move on.

Only you can decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone who grieves around Christmas and birthdays.
You can't fix him though.

Darkstar4855 · 16/11/2021 13:25

Well that’s the way he is, your choice is whether to accept it or to leave the relationship.

Personally I don’t think I could live like that year after year, especially with a child involved.

BreathingDeep · 16/11/2021 13:25

Oh OP, that sounds really hard. How would he respond if you were to explain how some of this is feeling for you and your son?

While it sounds like his parents' deaths and his life immediately afterwards were of course traumatic and unhappy, ultimately, he does have a choice whether to stay in that place emotionally, or to try and move on. It sounds like he's already planned that Christmas and your birthday month will be the miserable ones, and if he were to deviate from that, somehow he'd be doing his grief a disservice, maybe?

It's great that he's having counselling, as that suggests he recognises the need to tackle it and change, but I do wonder if it's worth letting him know the effect it has on those who love him and want a life with him.

FlorenceWintle · 16/11/2021 13:25

Some very unsympathetic replies here!

FFSFFSFFS · 16/11/2021 13:25

He went through massive trauma not only of his parents dying but then having an awful time after that at a very young age. That is not something you just get over - it is burnt into your synapses and your emotions. Sounds like he is going through counselling and trying to resolve it.

I am bemused that you think your upset about my our birthday is a totally reasonable emotional response but his upset about having his life torn apart is not.

campocaro · 16/11/2021 13:26

You say he is going back into therapy. He might consider EMDR which has a good record of shifting/ putting into perspective past trauma.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/11/2021 13:26

Perhaps you should just admit that this relationship doesn't work for you, and the fact that you love him is irrelevant, honestly. Just because you love someone doesn't mean it can survive. He needs a therapist and you aren't it.

Personwithrage · 16/11/2021 13:26

"He's just fairly regimented in that he expects to be sad at Christmas so he's sad. Does that make sense? I don't know if people always will associate a specific period of time with pain or whether sometimes its a bit of a habit"

My dad's mother died when he was young. It happened around Easter, he is not sure of the date but he gets down and stressed around Easter. He has never forgotten and the associations with the festival haven't lessened even though it's decades ago.

I don't think your partner's reaction and emotions aren't understandable to an extent, but he has to be aware of how that impacts on those around him.

FlorenceWintle · 16/11/2021 13:27

There was a thread a while back from someone who’s DH’s sister had died and the in-laws kind of dictated regimented grieving on certain dates and it was all a bit much. I’ll see if I can find it, might have some useful responses.

Double3xposure · 16/11/2021 13:28

@BlameItOnTheBlackStar

I couldn't live like this, with months of our lives passing by under a cloud. You deserve to celebrate birthdays and Christmas like everyone else, and you don't actually have to live like this. You can love someone but it not work out for other reasons, and this is a very big reason.
I agree. And I say this as a mother who has lost two ( school aged ) children.

His behaviour is not proportionate, reasonable or healthy. If he won’t address it then you need to distance yourself. You can’t let your sons childhood be blighted by the death of people he never met and are not even a relative.

You need to put your son and your own well being first.

TooMuchPaper · 16/11/2021 13:28

How long have you been with him? What age is your son?

pjani · 16/11/2021 13:29

I really recommend listening to the podcast Griefcast as it offers such insights into what it’s like to lose someone you love.

Sounds like your partner is still in utter shock and disbelief that what happened to him. On the podcast it’s been said that the strength of the grief can mirror the love, so he must have really, really, really loved them and still, every day, wish they were in his life.

I think it’s great that he is help-seeking. This is the biggest thing for me. Learning to live with this will be the project of his life and good therapy may help.

However I agree with others that it is up to you to decide on balance on if you can live with this. I think you should work on yourself so if you chose to stay, you don’t get upset with him about this as it won’t help. You accept it is part of him. Taking the time to mourn allows him to be who he is the rest of the time.

But- you don’t have to stay with him. You can leave and this can be the reason.

Drinkingallthewine · 16/11/2021 13:30

Your child doesn't even get a Christmas tree??
FFS.
Your child has ONE childhood. Your DP is ensuring that your child's abiding memory of their life occasions is tiptoeing around a stepfather's feelings.

I get that anniversaries are tough and Christmas can be hard for some but if your DP finds it hard to cope with normal people celebrations then he can remove himself. He doesn't get to cancel other people's joy because it affects him.

DrManhattan · 16/11/2021 13:30

Tough call. Yes what he has been through is awful but on the other hand you aren't a free counselling service either.

SueSaid · 16/11/2021 13:31

'Yes we do live together, most of the time he's a vibrant person - the difference between the two states is quite dramatic but he does take himself off to the spare room rather than put it on us if that makes sense. '

Well he's doing the best he can. If otherwise he is loving bf, good with your ds etc, I would just accept it and work around it. I cannot imagine the hell he has endured. He seems do have turned out ok even if certain sentimental events like Christmas are understandably massive triggers. Just back off and let him do what needs do get through it.

Original poster
SorrySadDog · 16/11/2021 13:31

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I think parental deaths get harder to deal with as you age, not easier. Those who’ve lost a parent early often say thi.

My dad died when l was 7. I think about him all the time and get upset on his birthday and death day. I hardly remember him. My mum died 15 years ago. I miss her immensely, but it doesn’t get harder as l knew her until l was 45.

Thank you for that perspecticve xx
OP posts:
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