His parents died 17 years ago

[SorrySadDog]

I fully suspect I am being entirely unreasonable, however I am struggling to identify what is selfish (on my part) and what is potentially not. I have approached this so far from a very understanding place, I put his emotional needs first. But for some reason my patience is wearing thin!

Okay so, my other half's parents died when he was 13. He suffers from PTSD, he had a fairly shitty life after that, he lived with family who didn't really understand him and he went off the rails. He currently works for himself, and is happy with the life he is making for himself.

It seems the pain of his parents passing when he was so young has not really lessened, I am not him (obviously) so I can't really say but I think thats about right.

I make allowances for the fact that he might sometimes need to withdraw, you know, I won't pressure him to come out and be "happy" if I can see he needs time alone.

However.....I am starting to get irritated and a bit rolling my eyes and I am not sure why, or how to stop. Whether I am being entirely unreasonable or not.

Twice a year an entire month is wiped out because of the anniversaries of his parents deaths. One of those months my birthday and his mothers birthday were very close. So there is a black cloud around my birthday. The other anniversary is around my sons birthday (stepfather relationship). Christmas is off the table, he won't spend it with my family and myself and disappears. In fact he won't even put a tree up with me.

I have to be quite careful when it comes to things to do with families, like even talking about how much I love my mum for example. I wouldn't just come out and say that but I guess I mean in the context of a conversation.

He is starting another round of counselling soon.

I am worried about my reaction to things like not participating in Christmas. I love him very much but the fact that I have reached eye rolling territory is not pleasent. I don't know if this makes me a horrible person, or whether I should have compromised with him? But how do you compromise with someone who experienced trauma so young, do I even have the right to? I have no idea what I am doing, but I do not want to be unreasonable. If it is entirely fair that he opts out of family life three times a year then I will accept it, but this situation isn't one I have experience with. He is my best friend, but I don't think I can be honest with him about how I feel at this point in time. He said the other day, oh Christmas season soon. Which is almost like a warning that he's going to be withdrawn.

Thank you and I would appreciate some constructive feedback

I am deeply sympathetic to him - he clearly has all kinds of childhood trauma that he needs to process and manage. But what stands out for me is that he doesn't seem to want to change anything himself. I think that he should be seeking help to reduce the impact - for himself and for the people he loves.

Sorry, I've just seen - there is a tree, he just doesn't help put it up. Fair enough then, that's up to him, as long as it isn't impacting on your child.

'But I would draw the line at no Christmas tree, that's awful'

She didn't say that, she says he won't put it up with her and let's face it many blokes don't, even those that haven't lost both parents at a young age and probably have had several crap Christmases.

@FlorrieLindley

I feel more sorry for your son than your partner.

This. It's an absolutely dreadful shame for your dh and I cannot imagine the grief and sorrow. But it isn't fair to allow it to dictate your DSs life.

Everyone grieves differently. I know two (now very elderly) ladies whose lives (and the lives of their children) were absolutely dictated by the loss of her husband/their father. And the resentment from the (now adult) children is palpable. They were never allowed to heal from the initial raw grief by their mother and were encouraged to stew (that's the wrong word, but wallow doesn't fit either, be entrenched perhaps) in their grief. Every time I see one of the ladies, she tells me exactly how long it's been "since my Wallace passed" and it's nearly 50 years. It's not a healthy way to live or teach your children to live.

My baby DS2 died 2 weeks before DS1s 4th birthday, his funeral was the day before. DSs birthday was a happy occasion, he deserves that. There's obviously times when it overwhelms me, and I don't think you ever necessarily "get over" that kind of deep grief, but there has to be a level of acceptance and taking responsibility for how you channel the grieving process.

I have had therapy for PTSD and CBT, it's helped, but it's an ongoing project. Your DH needs help from a bereavement counsellor who specialises in PTSD and depression. Someone who is skilled and will help him to access his feelings and allow his to function where it doesn't take over his existence for months at a time.

Wishing you all well

OP YANBU. Why are you putting your partner over your son? Why are you allowing him to treat you like this?
How long have you been together?

My son in law was 13 when his mum dropped dead in front of him from a massive heart attack. His dad then lost the family home and they were living apart within 2 years. Sure, he has issues, as does his dad. Their loss and the trauma was huge and it impacted their lives for years. I don't doubt it still does affect them. But both him and his dad still celebrate Christmas. Often at my house where they talk fondly of her and how much she loved music and Christmas and how missed she is. I fully embrace this, I would have loved to have met her. It's a terrible shame she died so young and in front of him. But at no point at all do my daughters avoid saying how much they love me. That would be a bit odd. Although obviously if he was visibly upset they would be considerate and not bang in about it etc.

@JaniieJones

'I love him very much but the fact that I have reached eye rolling territory is not pleasent. '

No it isn't pleasant. Perhaps you could access a course, online or something to develop some awareness about PTSD and develop strategies on how to cope? Or split up? but eye rolling is most definitely not an option.

Easy to say if you're not the person living with it. His behaviour is already dominating the OP's life. I'm not sure how it's helpful to tell her that she's not allowed occasionally to feel irritated?

So on your birthday, it's all under a big cloud and not celebrated together because it falls in the same month as his DM, deceased 17yrs ago. Because it's all about his grief and his loss and how it's her birthday and she's not here, and he can't celebrate her birthday.

But on his own birthday, he bypasses the fact that both the parents (that he does month long birthday mournings for) are equally not present at this time, yet he can celebrate and gets drunk.

Have spent the last 20 years not celebrating Christmas because Christmas Day is the anniversary of my dad's death

Interesting seeing other people's perspectives on it. My partner (of 25 years) hasn't ever said anything critical of this

I think you should put your son first, not your boyfriend.

His trauma is his to resolve. Right now, it's impacting on your child and that is not okay.

Your son is going to remember a childhood of ruined birthdays and Christmases. That is very unfair.

You can't fix your partner, whatever his reasons for it.

My sympathy would have worn out long ago.

I don’t have my mum anymore and I find it very hard still after many years but I don’t do what you have described. He needs to seek therapy for his issues. His parents would t want him to live like this.

@OneTC

Have spent the last 20 years not celebrating Christmas because Christmas Day is the anniversary of my dad's death

Interesting seeing other people's perspectives on it. My partner (of 25 years) hasn't ever said anything critical of this

God. I hope you don't have children.

Just leave. If you have to walk on eggshells around someone even for two months out of the year and not be able to enjoy Christmas or your birthday, it is best to just leave.

'I'm not sure how it's helpful to tell her that she's not allowed occasionally to feel irritated?'

Well mental health conditions can be 'irritating' I suppose. As I said perhaps if she accessed some online support or whatever she may develop tools to manage the situation rather than eye rolling?

It all depends, if he is loving and they're happy most of the time great, anniversaries and Christmas will have to be tolerated as best as they can. If his grief and PTSD does dominate their lives then she'll need to leave for her ds's sake.

@MollysDolly

So on your birthday, it's all under a big cloud and not celebrated together because it falls in the same month as his DM, deceased 17yrs ago. Because it's all about his grief and his loss and how it's her birthday and she's not here, and he can't celebrate her birthday.

But on his own birthday, he bypasses the fact that both the parents (that he does month long birthday mournings for) are equally not present at this time, yet he can celebrate and gets drunk.

Is he ‘celebrating’ by drinking or is he drinking to extremes on his birthday so as to block out the pain? People drink for all kinds of reasons, not all of them celebratory

You mentioned he’s about to start another (second?) round of counselling. Is it specifically focused on PTSD and/or grief? I hope so.

In these situations I also believe that group therapy can be hugely beneficial.

All you can do is clearly tell him the impact this is having on those who love him and those he lives with. You know you can do this in a way that doesn’t judge him and still provides support, if that’s what you’d like to do.

If it becomes untenable for you, then you have some decisions to make.

Two months a year mired in grief might have become part of his grief process, but they might also have become a self-fulfilling prophecy of triggering schedule.

(I say this as someone who has been through my own PTSD and acknowledge that there are things that can be done to improve the situation. It’s impossible to control triggers but it is possible to learn how to react differently in many cases. People can recover from PTSD and grief, in the sense that their feelings and reactions do not hold so much sway over their lives.)

I lost a parent as a late teen. So not the same but what I wanted to say is, although some parts are much easier as I age I have found as I’ve got older I’m really sad about other bits. Specifically, I think a lot about my relationship with them would look like now and im jealous of others parental relationships. It’s almost like I don’t miss them specifically anymore very much just the figure I should have in my life today. And it feels so unfair, because it is! I look back at my teens and bits of childhood with a sick parent and I am again jealous of my peers for having a nice normal time. I imagine he has that x1000

My advice to you is to talk to him. Ask him if he really wants to spend every Christmas alone, because you want to make new memories with him. Offer to do something over Xmas holidays to honour them like visit the cemetry but ask him how he expects all this time to be? Push him to see if he actually wants to move towards a healthy place because if he doesn’t there is no point pushing this.

I also think the day of the birthday is understandable but being sad for a whole month around them is unhealthy.

As pp said, this is not just about a grief response to losing both parents, its associated with subsequent trauma from the family he went to live with.

Its massive. None of us can even begin to understand what this is like or the impact of it. He may have developed these rituals of withdrawing precisely to enable him to put aside the trauma for the rest of the year and function normally, as he knows he has these 'safe' times of year to feel all that pain and process it at those times.

I'd have lost patience with this a long time ago.

Could you go to one of his counselling sessions with him? From what you’ve said it’s not that he doesn’t want to celebrate Christmas or your birthday. You could have a session about family life and make clear to the therapist that you’re looking to them to make sure your partner doesn’t feel attacked.

I think it’s valid for you to find it hard if your partner withdraws for long stretches of time. Maybe it’s the best he can do or maybe if he accommodates your celebrations it could help both of you. Even if he can’t change his behaviour there might be ways to make it easier on you. It’s okay to carefully and respectfully try to change the situation.

There are two separate issues really. Clearly his feelings are his own and he needs help with them. Nobody can dictate how someone copes with grief. But by the looks of things he’s not coping at all and you need to decide if you can cope with what could be a very difficult relationship. I would have a vaguely similar story. But I have moved on and had my own family and life now is about making lovely Christmas and birthdays for my kids. We only get one short life, I know my parents would hate that their memories be the cause of decades of sadness. You can’t change him but you can decide what form you and your sons life will take.

@JaniieJones

'I'm not sure how it's helpful to tell her that she's not allowed occasionally to feel irritated?'

Well mental health conditions can be 'irritating' I suppose. As I said perhaps if she accessed some online support or whatever she may develop tools to manage the situation rather than eye rolling?

It all depends, if he is loving and they're happy most of the time great, anniversaries and Christmas will have to be tolerated as best as they can. If his grief and PTSD does dominate their lives then she'll need to leave for her ds's sake.

Show me anyone who has supported a partner with an enduring physical or mental health condition and never rolled their eyes.

It's hard. No matter how sympathetic you feel, it takes a huge toll on the non-ill partner, and it is perfectly healthy and normally to express irritation privately from time to time.

@BlameItOnTheBlackStar

I couldn't live like this, with months of our lives passing by under a cloud. You deserve to celebrate birthdays and Christmas like everyone else, and you don't actually have to live like this. You can love someone but it not work out for other reasons, and this is a very big reason.

I came on to write almost this exactly.

'Its massive. None of us can even begin to understand what this is like or the impact of it. He may have developed these rituals of withdrawing precisely to enable him to put aside the trauma for the rest of the year and function normally, as he knows he has these 'safe' times of year to feel all that pain and process it at those times.'

Yes, he seems very self aware and deals with his emotions as well as he can.