His parents died 17 years ago

[SorrySadDog]

I fully suspect I am being entirely unreasonable, however I am struggling to identify what is selfish (on my part) and what is potentially not. I have approached this so far from a very understanding place, I put his emotional needs first. But for some reason my patience is wearing thin!

Okay so, my other half's parents died when he was 13. He suffers from PTSD, he had a fairly shitty life after that, he lived with family who didn't really understand him and he went off the rails. He currently works for himself, and is happy with the life he is making for himself.

It seems the pain of his parents passing when he was so young has not really lessened, I am not him (obviously) so I can't really say but I think thats about right.

I make allowances for the fact that he might sometimes need to withdraw, you know, I won't pressure him to come out and be "happy" if I can see he needs time alone.

However.....I am starting to get irritated and a bit rolling my eyes and I am not sure why, or how to stop. Whether I am being entirely unreasonable or not.

Twice a year an entire month is wiped out because of the anniversaries of his parents deaths. One of those months my birthday and his mothers birthday were very close. So there is a black cloud around my birthday. The other anniversary is around my sons birthday (stepfather relationship). Christmas is off the table, he won't spend it with my family and myself and disappears. In fact he won't even put a tree up with me.

I have to be quite careful when it comes to things to do with families, like even talking about how much I love my mum for example. I wouldn't just come out and say that but I guess I mean in the context of a conversation.

He is starting another round of counselling soon.

I am worried about my reaction to things like not participating in Christmas. I love him very much but the fact that I have reached eye rolling territory is not pleasent. I don't know if this makes me a horrible person, or whether I should have compromised with him? But how do you compromise with someone who experienced trauma so young, do I even have the right to? I have no idea what I am doing, but I do not want to be unreasonable. If it is entirely fair that he opts out of family life three times a year then I will accept it, but this situation isn't one I have experience with. He is my best friend, but I don't think I can be honest with him about how I feel at this point in time. He said the other day, oh Christmas season soon. Which is almost like a warning that he's going to be withdrawn.

Thank you and I would appreciate some constructive feedback

Prefacing that I also lost a parent 17 years ago, when I was 13, and went on to have a very difficult adolescence and early adulthood that has given me lifelong mental health problems.

I'm sorry but I really don't think it is normal or healthy to have this sort of response to grief after that long. My parent passed around a holiday and while it might cross my mind in a few moments of sadness, making an entire season about a nearly two decade old bereavement is out of proportion. He's not grieving, he's wallowing, it is a self destructive behaviour that does him no good.

It really isn't

I don't think it's fair for him to make birthdays and christmases uncomfortable.
Yes it's sad and must be horrible missing your parents for so long, however sounds like he is letting it take over his life
1 day is enough to mourn, its been a long time and you deserve to enjoy celebrations not feel like you should be miserable.

He is traumatised and this is how it is manifesting. He needs more than counselling - he needs therapy. He is probably as fearful of Christmas and birthdays etc. as he is of the grief itself because they all do take on a different tone if you lose your parents young (my mum died young and my dad not much older so although I was a young adult I still, at nearly 50, struggle with the trauma). Like him I have a diagnosis of PTSD - it's a mental illness, and in this case, as with many mental illnesses, it is selfish (and I say that fully cognisant of my own and in no way as a judgement!!)

Equally, your child deserves a Christmas tree etc and you need to be firm about this - it doesn't need to mean that you are minimising his grief.... it could be that he needs you to almost show him the way out of this dark pattern he has set himself... have you explained to him how you feel?

@Drinkingallthewine

Your child doesn't even get a Christmas tree?? FFS. Your child has ONE childhood. Your DP is ensuring that your child's abiding memory of their life occasions is tiptoeing around a stepfather's feelings.

I get that anniversaries are tough and Christmas can be hard for some but if your DP finds it hard to cope with normal people celebrations then he can remove himself. He doesn't get to cancel other people's joy because it affects him.

That’s not what OP said. She wrote that her DP won’t participate in putting the tree up with them….not that she doesn’t do it at all.

Just wondering OP, has he ever been to a support group? Suffering duh a tragic bereavement is so lonely, could meeting others in a similar boat help?

This sounds hugely traumatic for him and it's not his fault - but none of it is your fault either. If this is too much for you then that is not unreasonable. You also have a child to consider in all this.

You say he struggles to open up and that is really not going to help him in dealing with it. He's unlikely to get very far with counselling no matter how many times he tries it if he's not willing to open up.

Maybe it's time for you to open up to him? If neither of you can ever open up then this is likely to just go on and on with no resolution.

*such, not duh!

@Ozanj

Your life revolves around him. What about your son? I don’t think he deserves to live around someone like that. You should just leave him.

He takes himself off to the spare room the op said and doesn't put them through it, though of course there'll be an atmosphere but it does t sound like he storms about being verbally abusive.

I don't know, it is of course hard but then PTSD is. The op needs to weigh up if the good points outweigh the bad. Is he loving and attentive most of the time for example. Many people have habits or behaviour like depression and anxiety that dictate family life. At least the op's bf seems very self aware and tries to manage his ptsd.

@MollysDolly

Orgasmagorical

What's he like on his own birthday, Sorry?

That's an excellent question!

OP?

Gets drunk....so I wouldn't know, alcohol probably masks anything he is feeling?

I have PTSD following a traumatic event involving an immediate family member. It may have been 17 years ago, but PTSD changes the way your brain stores memories of the event, so they aren't filed away with other long term memories - they stay clear and vivid as though the event just happened. For me its 15 years later but it still feels like it happened yesterday, and I can still see/smell/hear everything from that day...even down to what the medical staff's nail varnish looked like, the clothes I was wearing etc. I was nearly 30, with a good support network, had three rounds of counselling/CBT and I'm still emotionally scarred. Your OH was a vulnerable child who lost both parents then was left in the care of people who couldn't understand/support him with this unspeakable, agonising grief. He will never fully "get over it", he will only be able to learn to live with it. Internal eye rolls just show you have no real idea of his trauma or the enormous effect it still has on him. Its up to you how much you want to make things work, but as suggested, joint counselling would a good idea, as well as agreed strategies to protect your son and your own happiness. If you are both willing to work on this then you could have a happier future, but it depends on whether you can communicate and respect ALL of your needs, and find ways to work through things together...

It sounds as if he has got stuck in his grief. He may feel subconsciously that he cannot let it go, because it is the last link to his parents, and because it would be betraying them. I really feel for him, as I also lost a parent at a young age. I can't imagine losing two, and my home. However, living like this is not fair on you and your DS - and it's awful for him.

Rather than pulling the two of you into his pool of grief, he needs to work on pulling himself out. He needs to give himself permission to move on - which doesn't mean 'getting over' the deaths (impossible), but learning to live with the loss in a less maladaptive way.

My DM died when I was 11 after years of battling cancer. DF moved another woman in 6 months after she died and we were all just supposed to live a normal life from there.

Unsurprisingly I found life as a teenager very difficult, also went off the rails a bit but reigned it in, got my own place at 18 and at 21 completed Uni, I've since done pretty well for myself however my relationship with my DF and younger DSis has never been great.

I think your DP is being completely and utterly unreasonable. Everyone has problems in life and everyone deals with trauma in different ways but you can't make other peoples miserable over it (well you can my Dsis has done it for years) I had counselling in my mid twenties that helped massively.

@Orgasmagorical

What's he like on his own birthday, Sorry?

Not understanding why this is relevant?

So you live together- what actually happens at Xmas? He hides in the spare room for the whole thing?

EMDR therapy is the best for trauma and would likely give him the best results.

But this relationship I wouldn't find very enjoyable @SorrySadDog xx

Try and get him to have EMDR, it's so much more effective.

So does he do anything nice with you for your birthday? I get that he has trauma but it's kind of self-indulgent how he's behaving IMHO, or at least not very pleasant for those around him.

This isn’t about what is right for your partner, its about whats right for your child. I don’t think all the therapy in the world will help unless he wants to move forward and even then who knows if he is able.

Personally I’d move on with my own life for the sake of my child.

I think OP ask yourself the question whether he’d try harder to make birthdays / christmas work for his biological child & you’ll have the answer.

'I love him very much but the fact that I have reached eye rolling territory is not pleasent. '

No it isn't pleasant. Perhaps you could access a course, online or something to develop some awareness about PTSD and develop strategies on how to cope? Or split up? but eye rolling is most definitely not an option.

You're not unreasonable and I think you need to listen carefully to how you feel. You only have one life and this isn't going to get better. I wouldn't bring someone to live in my home who had major mental illness issues and he clearly does. His behavior will impact your child. This will become part of what is your child's normal and acceptable. Sad as it is I'd let this one go. He's not really ready to fully share his life with someone. I really really hope you're using allll the birth control if you're young.

My husband died recently in traumatic circumstances so I hope to give a little perspective on the aftermath of trauma with children.

The support for children is not what people think it is. The general view is that young bereaved children will have access to proper support and the understanding of those around them. In practice this rarely happens.

The world carries on and the child is left to sink or swim. The initial lack of support for your partner probably pays a big part in his behaviour now.

Lots of people find Christmas and anniversaries difficult when they have lost someone, and he is obviously still grieving. There's no time limit on grief.
But I would draw the line at no Christmas tree, that's awful. Your child has a right to a decent Christmas, with all the trimmings that go with it. It's usually the best time in a child's year.
You just have to accept it if he takes himself into the spare room, and make Christmas a happy time for your child.

Two people have already recommended EMDR - I also recommend this. It can transform your life.

He was thirteen when he lost his parents 17 years ago, so he's only 30 now. How old are you, OP? It sounds a lot to cope with.

He needs more than counselling - he needs therapy

Agree. He needs an approach that focuses on helping him move on from the bereavement and managing the PTSD.

He went through massive trauma not only of his parents dying but then having an awful time after that at a very young age. That is not something you just get over - it is burnt into your synapses and your emotions.

This. He probably needs prolonged and intensive therapy.

I don't know what the answer is, but a couple of observations. My mother died at christmas time and my youngest brother thereafter said that he hated christmas because of it. But, my mother didn't hate christmas, she didn't chose to die then, it was just unfortunate. She would be aghast to think that a wonderful time of year was forever tainted for some of her family. We like to talk about my mother at christmas (or anytime) and sharing memories can cause sadness, but more often it causes laughter. Does your oh have any family/friends who were familiar with his parents that he could share memories with?
One other thing, a close relative's husband was similar to your oh about the death of his mother. They had to go into a sort of purdah around the anniversary of the death - no laughter or merriment allowed. This was all the more strange because she had died when her husband was a teen, so they were being forced to mourn someone they didn't even know. But, this was part of the husbands character because he was a total control freak about everything, and this forcing the family to mourn was just part of a bigger picture. They divorced after 10 years.
I hope your oh gets the help he needs anyway.