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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pissed of at being hit on

394 replies

CloneWars · 16/11/2021 12:29

NC for this.

I joined a local sports team a few months ago. There's often joint training with the men's team and we also play mixed games. One particular guy was really friendly and welcoming and I thought we were building up a bit of a friendship. I should point out at this point, I do not/have never fancied this guy.

We have a WhatsApp group for both teams but then he started messaging me privately. Initially it was all to do with the sport, he was very complimentary about me etc, having a bit of banter but then he started to test the water, started saying a few things that made me feel a bit uncomfortable, which I tried to bat off. He's now become quite blatant (via message) about the fact that he'd like to shag me.

I'm really pissed off because firstly he's married with kids and secondly that he's taken a bit of (what I thought) was friendly banter and is trying to get his end away. I've tried to make it clear that I'm not interested but he's pretty persistent.

I now feel like I either have to tell him to fuck off - which is going to make things really awkward as he is quite influential at the sports team. Or walk away from the whole thing, which would be so disappointing as I really enjoy going and there aren't any other teams in the local area. Or, try and distance myself but accept that things are going to be awkward.

I'm not sure what the AIBU is - because I know that I'm not! I'm not fucking interested in this bloke but I just don't know the best way to handle it. Help!

OP posts:
Original poster
CloneWars · 16/11/2021 14:09

Yeah I think that's a good idea, I'll ignore from now on and see what happens. I'm sure he will keep pestering. I'll keep you updated

OP posts:
PleasantBirthday · 16/11/2021 14:10

I think, first of all, you need to get over the whole banter thing. OK, so you said some stuff that he chose to interpret as you welcoming this kind of engagement from him, from your point of view it was just a joke so I'd leave that in the past.

Every time he messages you inappropriately in the future, tell him that you find the tone and content very inappropriate and to please stop sending this kind of message. If he fails to understand this subtle hint, mention that it is now becoming harassment. Maybe that'll be a word that he understands.

Drinkingallthewine · 16/11/2021 14:10

Again I should have just shut it down - I'm really annoyed with myself that I've engaged with this dick head. I'm in my 30's ffs. How could I be so naive?

Honestly from what you've listed it's not that bad from your side! It sounds like if you in the middle of praying he'd twist it that you were praying for him to ride you so please don't take the blame of leading him on. He's twisting it to make you think you are leading him on.

Anyway. Maybe polite, and blunt is the way to go: "What I initially construed as banter has gone way past that now and it's making me uncomfortable so I would like it to stop. Please only message me in relation to [team] events or issues from now on."

He's probably not going to stop right away so after that you need to be crystal clear that he's continuing to harass you after you asked him to stop. Then block him fully or report him.

Fatgalslim · 16/11/2021 14:10

@ShagMeRiggins

Why are people advising the OP to find another club, or block and lay low, or use fuzzy language like “uncomfortable?”

Sitting on a beanbag makes me uncomfortable; being offered unsolicited doc picks etc makes me feel harassed. When it continues, that makes me feel threatened.

The OP—initial crude or banter responses aside (no, you didn’t do yourself any favours trying to ingratiate yourself with him in this way, OP) are irrelevant.

She has clearly said no, and stop. He hasn’t. It’s harassment.

It might not be the club’s responsibility ultimately but they should certainly be aware that the behaviour of this member is detrimental to club cohesion and participation.

This isn’t the time to be wishy-washy or make excuses or whatever is being advised. Report to the club!

But she hasn't told him clearly no, not yet anyway, hopefully she will now
Sally872 · 16/11/2021 14:14

Thank goodness you are at least going to try ignoring him before giving up on hobby. Good choice, good luck! He will hopefully get the message if you aren't replying.

DillonPanthersTexas · 16/11/2021 14:15

Not sure what kind of sports club you are a member of but at my club if any member was feeling harassed, bullied or threatened by another member they can report it to the club captains/welfare officer. There should be a club policy for dealing with this. 99% of time low level harassment it is solved by the club captain or president pulling the offender to one side and telling them to stop being a dickhead. If it is more serious they can have their membership cancelled. We have a strict no dickhead policy at our club.

Sparkai · 16/11/2021 14:17

Honestly, if you feel you are going to have to leave the club, then at least go out with a bang when you make that decision.

Screenshot everything nasty now and then mute him. If he continues and you are forced out, I'd just dump all the Screenshots in the public whatsapp group and leave. That way at least everyone knows what letch he is

CSJobseeker · 16/11/2021 14:17

99% of time low level harassment it is solved by the club captain or president pulling the offender to one side and telling them to stop being a dickhead.

In my experience it was the (male) club chair and his mates who were the main perpetrators of harassment! The men of the club all rallied round to support each other.

CSJobseeker · 16/11/2021 14:18

Honestly, if you feel you are going to have to leave the club, then at least go out with a bang when you make that decision.

And I agree with this. If you leave, tell them exactly why you are going.

Original poster
CloneWars · 16/11/2021 14:18

Thanks everyone I will definitely do just that. Only respond when absolutely necessary and tell him firmly if he doesn't get the hint.

I was so mad earlier and at the point of telling him to fuck off but I'd really like to remain at the club if possible. Hopefully he won't make that difficult but I'm not holding out much hope at this point!

I've had to deal with this kind of shit my whole life though. Stupid men getting the wrong end of the stick. I'm sick of it

OP posts:
DillonPanthersTexas · 16/11/2021 14:23

In my experience it was the (male) club chair and his mates who were the main perpetrators of harassment! The men of the club all rallied round to support each other.

Sounds like a shit club. We have a mixed committee and a men and women's captain. If members feel the club has not adequately dealt with a complaint they can refer it to the sports governing body. We worked out sometime ago having a no dickhead policy has paid in dividends insofar a low membership turn over and decent reputation that aids recruitment.

CSJobseeker · 16/11/2021 14:24

He hasn't got the wrong end of the stick.

He knows you don't want to shag him.
He enjoys harassing you and making you uncomfortable.
And he's hoping that at some point you might be vulnerable enough to say yes.

Tbh, all the comments along the lines of "I know you want it really" make him sound like a fucking rapist. And rapists use these kind of message histories in their defence.

CSJobseeker · 16/11/2021 14:24

@DillonPanthersTexas

In my experience it was the (male) club chair and his mates who were the main perpetrators of harassment! The men of the club all rallied round to support each other.

Sounds like a shit club. We have a mixed committee and a men and women's captain. If members feel the club has not adequately dealt with a complaint they can refer it to the sports governing body. We worked out sometime ago having a no dickhead policy has paid in dividends insofar a low membership turn over and decent reputation that aids recruitment.

It was a shit club - I left. I tried tackling the misogyny from within, but got sick of fighting a losing battle.
CSJobseeker · 16/11/2021 14:26

Being serious, I would make sure that I was never, ever remotely drunk in this guy's presence. Ever. And I'd keep my non-alcoholic drinks under guard.

Laiste · 16/11/2021 14:26

OP when you said

''I've said too much in what I thought was just banter and he has capitalised on it.''

I was thinking along the lines of both sending double entendres or a bit of cheesy flirting or something. However the examples you've given of what you've said are all nothings or actual knock-backs Confused

''oh I had a full frontal view of all of you''

''well I hope I never see anything like that and don't you dare ever come anywhere near me doing anything like that.''

''I'm not sure my boyfriend would be thrilled about that.''

Is this genuinely all you've said?

I've got in a bit of hot water myself recently with ''banter''. I'm genuinely interested in this side of it.

Lollypop701 · 16/11/2021 14:29

Men in general (not all I know, but enough to make it a problem) think a woman who banters with them, with ANY mention of sex, sexual organs etc is definitely up for it. Not worth starting any conversations that include any sexual references imo. If he messages any team stuff reply in team chat , otherwise ignore. I also think this is about power, he’s started off jokey and now has messages that a lot of women on the team would be unimpressed with, as he will make sure context is in his favour, especially as they are friends with wife. You need to reconsider interactions with men if this has happened your whole life and you hate it. It’s not your fault at all, just easier to sort from your own end. It’s a shame that these predatory men ruin opposite sex friendships

Bagamoyo1 · 16/11/2021 14:29

Make friends with his wife. He’ll run a mile then.

mam0918 · 16/11/2021 14:32

Tell him you are absolutely not interested and to go home to his wife and if he continues you will report him.

Keep the messages if he tries to get you kicked out or turn others against you report him to the police for harassment (so there's a record if he escalates), to his wife (really she deserves to know but its also hard hurting someone who isn't at fault), and to the leader or the club or sports venue owner.

ConstanceGracy · 16/11/2021 14:32

So what if he turns around and says it was just banter? At least you told him and made it clear you’re not interested, doesn’t matter what excuses he makes after the fact as you know the truth and it’ll be the end of it.

Original poster
CloneWars · 16/11/2021 14:35

Yes exactly, sending double entendres, that kind of thing, a bit of cheesy innuendo. Sorry without posting the exact messages, which I'd rather not do, I'm not sure how else to explain it. Which is why I think have I lead him on? But then as soon as his messages started being on the inappropriate side I immediately shut it down, or said no. Hasn't bloody stopped him though

OP posts:
Original poster
CloneWars · 16/11/2021 14:38

But yes it's a good question, why do I let myself get drawn into this kind of thing?

I think it's partly because I enjoy joking around, a bit of toilet humour etc. But that I've also been able to do it with men in the past and no lines have been crossed. I thought it would be this way with the current guy and I misjudged it

OP posts:
BourbonScreams · 16/11/2021 14:39

He's sexually harassing you. Is there someone at the club you can report this to, with the screenshots as evidence?

Original poster
CloneWars · 16/11/2021 14:40

His wife is prominent on the 'management' side of the club so not really

OP posts:
whiteroseredrose · 16/11/2021 14:41

I'd be tempted to take the bull by the horns as it were and text back that you're sure that this has just been banter and you are just checking that he knows that you definitely don't find him attractive same as he doesn't find you attractive either.

Hopefully he can get the message and save face.

whiteroseredrose · 16/11/2021 14:43

Or if you are definitely leaving the club show the messages to his wife and say 'he's just bantering isn't he?'