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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pissed of at being hit on

394 replies

CloneWars · 16/11/2021 12:29

NC for this.

I joined a local sports team a few months ago. There's often joint training with the men's team and we also play mixed games. One particular guy was really friendly and welcoming and I thought we were building up a bit of a friendship. I should point out at this point, I do not/have never fancied this guy.

We have a WhatsApp group for both teams but then he started messaging me privately. Initially it was all to do with the sport, he was very complimentary about me etc, having a bit of banter but then he started to test the water, started saying a few things that made me feel a bit uncomfortable, which I tried to bat off. He's now become quite blatant (via message) about the fact that he'd like to shag me.

I'm really pissed off because firstly he's married with kids and secondly that he's taken a bit of (what I thought) was friendly banter and is trying to get his end away. I've tried to make it clear that I'm not interested but he's pretty persistent.

I now feel like I either have to tell him to fuck off - which is going to make things really awkward as he is quite influential at the sports team. Or walk away from the whole thing, which would be so disappointing as I really enjoy going and there aren't any other teams in the local area. Or, try and distance myself but accept that things are going to be awkward.

I'm not sure what the AIBU is - because I know that I'm not! I'm not fucking interested in this bloke but I just don't know the best way to handle it. Help!

OP posts:
hoomama · 16/11/2021 13:49

I can really relate as I seem to get a lot of similar things with men in work. Have a bit of a laugh and a joke and they think it's acceptable to overstep the boundaries and then it makes it really difficult to sort it out because you don't want to seem like you're not fun and it's awkward to tell them.

I'd be tempted to lie and say your boyfriend has read the messages and he's asked you not to message him any more. I did that with a guy at work and it stopped him.

Original poster
CloneWars · 16/11/2021 13:51

Ok when I say crude banter, I mean I swear a lot, I can be quite 'blokey' in my responses (sorry I don't know how else to explain it).

Ive never said anything about fancying him or finding him even remotely attractive. In fact Ive given him a lot of shit (again in a jokey manner) which he seems to love and has grasped onto and is trying to twist it all around to fit his own agenda.

For example, there was a summer party at the sports club. He was doing some dodgy dancing with some of the other guys and I said oh I had a full frontal view of all of you and he responded with 'oh you'd love a full frontal from me wouldn't you'

Then he told me about one Xmas party where he and other guys drunkenly got their cocks out and I said well I hope I never see anything like that and don't you dare ever come anywhere near me doing anything like that. He says oh I'm going to make a beeline for you at the next party (with my cock out) and I'm not letting you get away. How could you resist your favourite team mate etc.

Then starts up with oh we should have an after party at your house, can I sleep in your room, so I said I'm not sure my boyfriend would be thrilled about that. He said oh I'm game for a threesome and oh you had better carry out your team mate duties etc.

Then the other night he was pushing me to try and say I was unhappy in my relationship and that I clearly wanted some excitement in my life and that we should all just act on these instincts and to hell with the consequences!

Again I should have just shut it down - I'm really annoyed with myself that I've engaged with this dick head. I'm in my 30's ffs. How could I be so naive?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 16/11/2021 13:51

I've dealt with this kind of bloke before.

Screenshot what you've got then leave his messages on unread. It's shit but the fallout from this sort of stuff usually falls back on the woman with snarly teeth.

CSJobseeker · 16/11/2021 13:51

@Llareggub

Don’t blame yourself. Keep the screenshots, block and delete. Do not engage. If he continues following your very clear message go to the police. It’s not banter, it’s harassment.
So much this!
melj1213 · 16/11/2021 13:52

"What started as a bit of banter has now crossed the line into inappropriate comments and I am no longer comfortable with the kinds of messages you are sending me. Please stop as I will no longer rsspond to anything other than messages regarding ."

If he continues to send inappropriate messages then I would definitely screenshot everything and speak to someone at the club about his behaviour.

CSJobseeker · 16/11/2021 13:52

I would really avoid talking to this guy in person. He's harassing you FFS! If he walks over to chat, bluntly walk in the other direction to talk to someone else. Pretend you need the loo, whatever. But DO NOT let him draw you into conversations about your relationship.

SomepeopleareTERFSgetoverit · 16/11/2021 13:53

I’d send a clear, polite message along the lines of Clonewars upthread and then just stop replying. Sympathies, I’ve had to deal with similar.

hoomama · 16/11/2021 13:54

Also, as others have said, it definitely sounds like he has done this with half of the team and has gotten away with it. Basically abusing his position.

Original poster
CloneWars · 16/11/2021 13:57

oh and for the poster who implied I must be interested in him otherwise I wouldn't have replied. I can categorically state I am NOT interested in this man.

I have 4 brothers, I've grown up in a male dominated family, I'm usually really comfortable having banter with guys and I got reeled into this thinking it was a similar situation in the beginning. Now I'm really annoyed with myself - and him.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 16/11/2021 13:57
  1. Screenshot all the messages
  2. Text: I'm not interested. Leave me alone.
  3. Block
  4. Carry on going to club but don't ever be alone with him
  5. If he escalates, share the screenshots in the group whatsapp
CSJobseeker · 16/11/2021 13:59

@hoomama

Also, as others have said, it definitely sounds like he has done this with half of the team and has gotten away with it. Basically abusing his position.
It's such a cliché too. 'Man who likes being a big fish in a small pond harasses the women around him because he knows they're socialised to politely smile and blame themselves.'

You know he doesn't actually think you're interested in him, don't you? He might pretend he thinks that, but he knows full well that he's harassing you. He's getting a kick out of the fact that he's put you in a shitty position. It's about power, not sex.

Original poster
CloneWars · 16/11/2021 14:00

I don't think I can continue at the club. I'm going to have to be VERY blunt with him. It's going to get awkward. Let's face it, these types don't respond well to rejection. It's also a rural sports team, everyone knows everyone. He'll turn it around on me and he's a popular figure, I'm a nobody.

OP posts:
CSJobseeker · 16/11/2021 14:00

@CloneWars

oh and for the poster who implied I must be interested in him otherwise I wouldn't have replied. I can categorically state I am NOT interested in this man.

I have 4 brothers, I've grown up in a male dominated family, I'm usually really comfortable having banter with guys and I got reeled into this thinking it was a similar situation in the beginning. Now I'm really annoyed with myself - and him.

Your brothers don't engage in banter about wanting to shag you though, do they?

Banter about wanting to shag you is never 'just banter'. Life lesson learned.

Tal45 · 16/11/2021 14:00

He obviously has zero respect for women so nothing you say will ever have any impact IMO and he will no doubt turn it all on you if you really push him.
Has he met your OH? I'd text him and say please don't text me again as my OH saw your messages and is really angry. He may have more respect for men than women but who knows.

EinsteinaGogo · 16/11/2021 14:00

@CloneWars

He's already told me that he's slept with other people before and ooh wouldn't you just like to try it out? I respond with no, he then says he's oh I know you would, I've got you all figured out etc -

Hence me wanting to tell him to fuck off!! I've tried to be nice about it but clearly he's got it into his head that I'm gagging for him

OP - are you boundaries. How are you answering and engaging with these type of messages when you're in a relationship?

Put yourself in your partners shoes - how would you feel if they continued to message back and forth with someone in this way?

Just stop engaging.

You won't be the first person he's done it with and sadly won't be the last. Carry on at the club and act like it never happened.

SummerHouse · 16/11/2021 14:01

I would say "I don't want to give you the wrong impression. You have a wife and I have a boyfriend and I am pretty sure they would be less than impressed with some of these messages. I'll call it a day on the what's app banter but see you at club."

CSJobseeker · 16/11/2021 14:02

@CloneWars

I don't think I can continue at the club. I'm going to have to be VERY blunt with him. It's going to get awkward. Let's face it, these types don't respond well to rejection. It's also a rural sports team, everyone knows everyone. He'll turn it around on me and he's a popular figure, I'm a nobody.
I wish I could disagree, but this was my experience. Small rural club, blokes with power and influence... It usually only goes one way.

Your best bet is to ask the other women on the women's team. Be upfront - say he has been harassing you, and ask if he has any previous. They may surprise you.

DriftingBlue · 16/11/2021 14:04

He is a creep and deserves to be shot down, but I understand why you want to handle it delicately. My personal policy has always been if a spouse or partner would be upset by the interaction, it isn’t appropriate so I might go with something like that for getting him to stop.

“When I am friends with married men, I always want to be sure that if their wife were to read our exchanges or hear our conversation, she would never find anything that would upset her. I’m worried our conversations might be straying towards that point, all in good humor of course.”

Basically point out the record he is creating, but blow it off as an accident. Then I would add something about wanting to still be his friend, but he needs to keep it appropriate or you can tell him you need to just chat about team business to be safe.

CSJobseeker · 16/11/2021 14:04

Also - are there any women on the women's team who seem quite feminist? They will probably be allies too. They will at least recognise this for what it is.

Original poster
CloneWars · 16/11/2021 14:04

I responded initially as I thought we were friends. I genuinely liked the guy. We got on really well.

He was testing the waters at the beginning. I knew what he was doing but it wasn't overtly blatant at that point and I wasn't encouraging it at all. It's only more recently that he's ramped it up. Of course, these messages are also interspersed with genuine messages about the team, training, fixtures etc that come across as 'normal' so I haven't been able to say look just leave me alone as the lines have got so blurred.

OP posts:
ChinstrapBobblehat · 16/11/2021 14:07

I have to say I agree with the just say nothing approach. Don’t explain, don’t complain, just stop replying to any private messages from him. Don’t even open them, so he doesn’t get a read receipt.

If he’s influential at the club it’s probably best to step away rather than escalate. Avoid cornering him into a “bants” defence as he sounds like the kind of dickhead who’ll be petty and vindictive if he feels directly slighted. If you want to continue playing on the team, just be bright and breezy when you see him, never be alone with him and stop all non-group communication. Don’t give him anything specific to be pissed off about and act normally around him (minus the crude comments, obvs).

If he keeps trying to corner you then you have no option but to address it - just say “I think we’ve misunderstood each other. I’m not comfortable messaging with you in private any more, so I’d prefer it if we stuck to the club chat”. And leave it at that.

Original poster
CloneWars · 16/11/2021 14:08

Most of the women on the team seem to like him and are also friends with his wife. I can see this is all going to be twisted to have been my fault if I kick up a fuss

OP posts:
FirewomanSam · 16/11/2021 14:08

Can you just say clearly that the chat is making you uncomfortable now and you’d like it to stop please? Then just stop responding or respond with one-word messages if needed. If he continues sending inappropriate messages just keep repeating that they make you uncomfortable.

And if you can befriend any other younger women in the team I bet you’ll find he’s the same with them.

SirenSays · 16/11/2021 14:09

I get this a lot too, I usually diffuse with a Not if you were the last man on earth joke

videovixen · 16/11/2021 14:09

*How are you answering and engaging with these type of messages when you're in a relationship?

Put yourself in your partners shoes - how would you feel if they continued to message back and forth with someone in this way?

Just stop engaging.*

This 100%!