Pissed of at being hit on

[CloneWars]

NC for this.

I joined a local sports team a few months ago. There's often joint training with the men's team and we also play mixed games. One particular guy was really friendly and welcoming and I thought we were building up a bit of a friendship. I should point out at this point, I do not/have never fancied this guy.

We have a WhatsApp group for both teams but then he started messaging me privately. Initially it was all to do with the sport, he was very complimentary about me etc, having a bit of banter but then he started to test the water, started saying a few things that made me feel a bit uncomfortable, which I tried to bat off. He's now become quite blatant (via message) about the fact that he'd like to shag me.

I'm really pissed off because firstly he's married with kids and secondly that he's taken a bit of (what I thought) was friendly banter and is trying to get his end away. I've tried to make it clear that I'm not interested but he's pretty persistent.

I now feel like I either have to tell him to fuck off - which is going to make things really awkward as he is quite influential at the sports team. Or walk away from the whole thing, which would be so disappointing as I really enjoy going and there aren't any other teams in the local area. Or, try and distance myself but accept that things are going to be awkward.

I'm not sure what the AIBU is - because I know that I'm not! I'm not fucking interested in this bloke but I just don't know the best way to handle it. Help!

Wow I think you’ve been given an unnecessarily hard time by some MN’ers!!! I don’t think you have done anything wrong, it’s HIM that is at fault! I feel so frustrated for you that either you accept his harassment or you have to leave the club and should you tell anyone about his fucking atrocious behaviour you will be ostracised in the village!! He’s a total shit!
Hopefully you’ve sorted the situation and can carry on hassle free at the club. Good luck x

I think the OP is in an extremely tricky situation to navigate out of. Creepy guy is powerful and influential, almost certainly has form and I suspect his wife turns a blind eye.
Threats and bluffs here are unlikely to work.
In your shoes I would try and give both of you a way out of this uncomfortable situation without losing dignity.
First of all, a cooling off, maybe don't go to the club for a couple of weeks. Be busy with something else. Don't engage with his texts or messages beyond a breezy response. Zero banter or joking around. He's unlikely to directly ask you why you've backed off. If he does, be honest but don't go overboard. The tone of your chats was beginning to make you uncomfortable, you want to keep playing the sport so are going to chat only in the group messages from now. You don't have to elaborate or apologize.
Once you go back to the club after your cooling off period, block him from contacting you directly.

I'd say to him that you've enjoyed the banter but you're feeling uncomfortable with the innuendos he's making, and his offer of sending dic pics, so you're bowing out of any further messaging (after taking the screenshots).

I would also take a look at my own behaviour. If you're 'crude' in your communications then he may well have thought you were egging him on as that's how some men's brains work unfortunately. Would your own partner be happy with the sort of messages you've been sending, or would you be ok if another woman was messaging your partner in this manner?

@CSJobseeker

I know myself I wouldn't have listened to advice when younger, preferring instead to believe that I was different and special and enjoying a fun chat with my platonic pal ( with just the faint whiff of sauciness to make it fun).

Unfortunately it just seems to be a seminal lesson that most of us end up experiencing.

I agree. I'm now in my 40s (thankfully now old enough that this sort of thing is rare), but 20 year old me would have enjoyed the ego stroking and would have kidded myself that I was different, I was a 'cool girl' engaging in edgy banter that other women just didn't 'get'. I kidded myself that I had power in the situation, but that was obviously nonsense.

It's a hard lesson to learn, but a valuable one. This is why so many older women take no shit. Once that lightbulb moment happens (i.e. you realise that none of these men give a shit about you), you stop caring about preserving their feelings.

I agree with this.

I'm sure many of us have been in the position where we think we're having a nice normal friendship with a male colleague / acquaintance but they have twisted the conversation to become sexual. It then becomes obvious that they never viewed you as a fun, platonic friend. They were always waiting to make a move on you and will accuse you of 'leading them on' when all your messages were sent (though not received) innocently.

This is when older women lose their naivety and stop engaging with random messages from men; it's not worth it. Most of us have been there OP, so we could see the warning signs in earlier messages and would have cut him off sooner. You were naive; that's not a crime. Lots of men are creeps, you've done well to get to 30 without experiencing this.

Message him saying it's inappropriate then block him.

@Beamur

I think the OP is in an extremely tricky situation to navigate out of. Creepy guy is powerful and influential, almost certainly has form and I suspect his wife turns a blind eye. Threats and bluffs here are unlikely to work. In your shoes I would try and give both of you a way out of this uncomfortable situation without losing dignity. First of all, a cooling off, maybe don't go to the club for a couple of weeks. Be busy with something else. Don't engage with his texts or messages beyond a breezy response. Zero banter or joking around. He's unlikely to directly ask you why you've backed off. If he does, be honest but don't go overboard. The tone of your chats was beginning to make you uncomfortable, you want to keep playing the sport so are going to chat only in the group messages from now. You don't have to elaborate or apologize. Once you go back to the club after your cooling off period, block him from contacting you directly.

Why so complicated? Ignore the idiot, carry on with your life, enjoy the club. Any sign of harassment then take it higher within the club.

The suggestions that the OP send these exchanges to the jerk’s wife are way off.

The OP just wants this to stop and she wants to remain in the group.

Sending any part of these conversations to anyone is not likely to reflect well on her, and certainly is going to make things uncomfortable for her as well. Maybe it would cause him problems, but the outcome is that she ends up leaving the club as well. No one wants to deal with this kind of drama.

Imagine finding out that a woman was chatting with your husband for four months, then her trying to expose him as lecherous. I wouldn’t be impressed with either one of them. I wouldn’t want her around anymore, either.

Also, it’s gross that people suggest befriending the wife for the sole purpose of making him uncomfortable. She’s a human being. We know he’s a terrible person. But OP has already been ignoring this woman’s feelings for months by “bantering” with her husband (for attention? to gain standing in the club? doesn’t matter why) but to now begin using her on top of it is not OK.

Screenshot all messages and back them up.
Then block him.
Flowerflour has hit the nail on the head.

I was thinking about this and maybe the perfect response to being offered a dick pic is to message the other women in the group saying ‘hey all, ha ha Bob has offered to send me a dick pic! Who wants to see it?!’

When he complains then it’s just Bantz and you thought he was ‘was joking’

Ask him if his wife knows he is making himself a sex pest, and if she has agreed to let him play the field and be obnoxious.

Then tell him to just sod off and if there is any more of this nonsense you will inform his wife. (I am sure you can use you can put it much more rudely.) Copying his messages is a good idea.
I would also tell all the other women that he is trying it on with you, and if anyone fancies him for a bit on the side, he is up for it. I am sure this will prime them all for giving him the bums rush if he makes a move.

@lottiegarbanzo

I get the impression OP was set up (unintentionally) badly by her brothers (and wider family), to see herself as 'one of the lads', when in fact men outside her family see her very much as a woman.

Did you get no notion of male views of women from listening to your brothers and interacting with their friends OP? Probably they're all much better people than sporty sleazeball here but still, some hint?

Assertiveness is excellent and the ability to bite back, stand up for yourself, join in and have fun is great. But not having any idea how others see you, that you can't identify out of 'sexual object' if that is how someone views all (young, fit, hetero) women, is well, dangerous.

Which makes me think we need to be much more honest about male sexuality, plus the wide range of different male attitudes towards women, that are entrenched in society, with all girls.

Nah. Stuff that for a game of soldiers.

Isn't it about time that men started to treat women with respect and consideration as equals rather than subordinate sex objects?

Isn't it about time that men started to treat women with respect and consideration as equals rather than subordinate sex objects?

Of course it is. But how is it helping for women to pretend that men treat women well when they don't? Pretending (or genuinely not knowing) that sexual banter with a random bloke will not be taken as evidence you want to shag him is not smart. Even women will think it means that (cf most of the posts on this thread).

I don't understand why this idiot still hasn't been blocked. Most women, including most of the other women at the club, will have blocked him as soon as he started crossing boundaries.

OP is there a reason why you have such shite boundaries? It might be worth you exploring that as you say you have experienced these kinds of problems repeatedly.

He does sound a bit fucking rapey. Any way you can cut his bollocks off? At least figuratively if literally isn’t an option.

Stop engaging. Don't reply to his messages etc as others have said. No drama. I feel like I say this on most threads but perfect grey rock situation.

He has more to lose than you - despite his "influence" I doubt he'd want his wife to see his messages.

If you're a confident enough too you could tell him to quit his BS, and if he sends you anymore messages - or there's any club fall out - his messages will gain a new wider audience.

@CloneWars

OMG Worra just stop already! Jesus give it a rest. This is what I should have said to him so thanks for the practice run.

Sorry, but I agree with Worra. In my opinion, you are loving this attention.

Say what you said to Worra to your man, and you’re golden.

It's no good moaning if you haven't told him to FO yet. He'll get over it and move on to the next victim soon enough.

Just block him. You don’t need to explain anything. Then be cordial and serene at the sports club. Ignore him. What’s he going to do? He won’t be able to write to you, and he is unlikely to corner you there and ask why you don’t want an affair with him?

He’s disgusting but there are men like this, and they always have nice houses and cars and families. They are just bastards chancing their arm. Yes it’s infuriating that you can’t expose him, but it would do you more harm. So just ignore the asshole.

Stop being jokey jokey with him. Screen shot the messages, threaten to tell his wife (with no hahahas ) stop replying to his messages.

Job done.