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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pissed of at being hit on

394 replies

CloneWars · 16/11/2021 12:29

NC for this.

I joined a local sports team a few months ago. There's often joint training with the men's team and we also play mixed games. One particular guy was really friendly and welcoming and I thought we were building up a bit of a friendship. I should point out at this point, I do not/have never fancied this guy.

We have a WhatsApp group for both teams but then he started messaging me privately. Initially it was all to do with the sport, he was very complimentary about me etc, having a bit of banter but then he started to test the water, started saying a few things that made me feel a bit uncomfortable, which I tried to bat off. He's now become quite blatant (via message) about the fact that he'd like to shag me.

I'm really pissed off because firstly he's married with kids and secondly that he's taken a bit of (what I thought) was friendly banter and is trying to get his end away. I've tried to make it clear that I'm not interested but he's pretty persistent.

I now feel like I either have to tell him to fuck off - which is going to make things really awkward as he is quite influential at the sports team. Or walk away from the whole thing, which would be so disappointing as I really enjoy going and there aren't any other teams in the local area. Or, try and distance myself but accept that things are going to be awkward.

I'm not sure what the AIBU is - because I know that I'm not! I'm not fucking interested in this bloke but I just don't know the best way to handle it. Help!

OP posts:
FlowerFlour · 16/11/2021 14:43

@Sparkai

Honestly, if you feel you are going to have to leave the club, then at least go out with a bang when you make that decision.

Screenshot everything nasty now and then mute him. If he continues and you are forced out, I'd just dump all the Screenshots in the public whatsapp group and leave. That way at least everyone knows what letch he is

I agree with this. Don't shyly leave - take him down with you!

I've had similar situations before that I've tried to deal with discreetly and hope they get the message, but it's never going to happen. If he cared about social convention he wouldn't be blatantly pursuing a woman who:

  1. Is in the same club as his wife,
  2. Has a boyfriend and
  3. Isn't interested in him.

Every time you reply you are reinforcing his belief that you want him. Screenshot everything, tell him you're not interested; no 'sorry but...' just a flat 'I'm not interested. Leave me alone'. Then mute him and hide his chat. If he starts being a dick at the club then post all the screenshots in the main whatsapp group and then leave.

I also used to have a laugh with men but you often get these weirdos who take it too far and think any kind of humour is carte blanche to harass you. It's a shame but they spoil it for everyone.

Changes17 · 16/11/2021 14:45

I'd say: Please stop sending me suggestive messages. I'm really not interested. If you do continue, my next message will be on the public WhatsApp group – with examples.

And follow through. You have loads of evidence if he tries to deny it.

Or do what Rookiemere says if you'd prefer to be less confrontational.

Skysblue · 16/11/2021 14:48

Right, he’s a sleazy creep and I bet a lot of people at the club already know that. He’s probably tried to sleep with them all. Please stop blaming yourself, he’s basically been grooming you for an affair.

If it was me, I’d try to send a clear message without creating a big drama. Next time he messaged, I’d say something like “Hi dude, you know I enjoy a bit of banter, but lately it feels like these messages are crossing a line. It’s got weird. Is beginning to feel disrespectful to your wife, so probably best if we mute the chat for a bit.” Then I’d block him (after screenshots of everything) and avoid being alone with him. At the same time I’d try to get to know someone sympathetic at the club (another senior male, or perhaps a friend of his wife) and start making comments like “Wow X is a really flirty guy isn’t he, any idea how to get him to cool the banter, I’m starting to feel uncomfortable and I don’t need some rando offering dick pics, even if he is joking, which I hope he is?” Then you sit back and wait for the rumour to reach him, perhaps via his wife, that he’s being inappropriate.

If I chose to leave the club I’d actually be clearer and say to whoever runs it (that isn’t him) that you’re leaving because you’ve felt really uncomfortable with the messages from male players. You don’t have to name him. Might help the next newbie.

Laiste · 16/11/2021 14:51

@CloneWars

Yes exactly, sending double entendres, that kind of thing, a bit of cheesy innuendo. Sorry without posting the exact messages, which I'd rather not do, I'm not sure how else to explain it. Which is why I think have I lead him on? But then as soon as his messages started being on the inappropriate side I immediately shut it down, or said no. Hasn't bloody stopped him though
CloneWars i feel for you. I could have written that word for word.

My case is like yours in as much that it's awkward to completely cut them off because there they are going to be an ongoing ... presence, if you like, in your life.

You have him texting team stuff. Could you just respond only to the texts with team info. and for anything else ignore completely or reply a couple of days later with just a ''ha ha very funny'' and then say something mundane about the team?

I know it's a cop out. I know all the replies saying Tell Him To Bugger Off are probably right. But these things are excruciating and you just want a non-dramatic way to slip out of it.
Flowers

BloodyAlarms · 16/11/2021 14:53

Blood hell. Just stop answering him. Do not answer anything at all in a private message, no matter what it's about.

OP, it feels a little that you are enjoying the drama of this. I say that because you have been given pages of advice just to ignore him (it really is that simple) but you seem intent on string a resolution out.

On a side note, I'd be hurt if my partner was engaging in sexual banter. Has your partner seen your messages ?

Original poster
CloneWars · 16/11/2021 14:53

So I actually asked him straight up the other night, are you being serious or is this all just a joke. His response? Oooh well there's only one way to find out

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 16/11/2021 14:57

Ok so you're enjoying it and not looking to end the chat.

Teeturtle · 16/11/2021 14:57

@CloneWars

So I actually asked him straight up the other night, are you being serious or is this all just a joke. His response? Oooh well there's only one way to find out
Not exactly trying to put a stop to it then are you?

If you genuinely wanted to, this could have been done and dusted ages ago. You just say “I’m not interested”.

rookiemere · 16/11/2021 14:59

But why did you ask that @CloneWars ? I mean the answer is pretty obvious in that he'd have sex with you in an instant if you would, but wants plausible deniability if you don't. You asking if he was serious is hardly going to dampen the situation.

On reflection you can hardly block if you need club communication. Only respond to that, ignore the rest and yes do suddenly become very friendly with his DW.

Laiste · 16/11/2021 14:59

@CloneWars

So I actually asked him straight up the other night, are you being serious or is this all just a joke. His response? Oooh well there's only one way to find out
You know, it sounds to me as if if you actually started seriously coming on to him he'd shit himself and run away!

Not suggesting you do that. I'm just saying what vibe i'm getting.

I think you should just tell him very simply you'd like to stop the joking around now and keep it all just about the sport.

Original poster
CloneWars · 16/11/2021 15:00

I asked because I genuinely wanted to know. Have I got the wrong end of the stick here or are you actually being serious?

I am not interested. I enjoyed the banter in the beginning. It progressed into something I was unhappy with. Now I want it to stop.

OP posts:
Fatgalslim · 16/11/2021 15:00

@CloneWars

So I actually asked him straight up the other night, are you being serious or is this all just a joke. His response? Oooh well there's only one way to find out
Oh dear, that almost sounds like you're wanting him to be serious
Fatgalslim · 16/11/2021 15:01

@CloneWars

I asked because I genuinely wanted to know. Have I got the wrong end of the stick here or are you actually being serious?

I am not interested. I enjoyed the banter in the beginning. It progressed into something I was unhappy with. Now I want it to stop.

So when he said there's only one way to find out what did you respond?
DerektheGoose · 16/11/2021 15:02

Oh dear, that almost sounds like you're wanting him to be serious

^ Agree with this

Drinkingallthewine · 16/11/2021 15:03

@CSJobseeker

He hasn't got the wrong end of the stick.

He knows you don't want to shag him.
He enjoys harassing you and making you uncomfortable.
And he's hoping that at some point you might be vulnerable enough to say yes.

Tbh, all the comments along the lines of "I know you want it really" make him sound like a fucking rapist. And rapists use these kind of message histories in their defence.

Oh exactly! he's rattling your shark cage OP. Testing it for weakness. I'm glad that someone else spotted that he's starting to sound very rapey.

That last text from him is the perfect segue to tell him that you asked him because you wanted to be clear that if he is serious, he needs to stop messaging you in that way immediately. That it's now crossed the line into making you uncomfortable and that you want to make it clear that you are not, nor ever were, interested in him that way. Be clear that from now on, you only want messages relating to the team events and that his messages of a personal nature are unwanted and unwelcome. Then totally ignore them. Don't respond no matter what.

Laiste · 16/11/2021 15:03

Yes, i wondered that. Because that was a brave thing to send (a serious question facing what's going on) and it would have been a perfect time to clarify your disinterest.

DoodleBelle · 16/11/2021 15:03

It sounds like you are enjoying the drama tbh can’t you just stop texting him it’s not difficult…he’ll get bored and move on to the next one.

EerieSilence · 16/11/2021 15:04

Tell him clearly you are not interested. No banter, no jokey half-answers.
If he does not stop pushing you, organise a little meeting with his wife and tell her, you do not want this to escalate and that you feel very uncomfortable.
Tell her, you understand it may be his way of being funny but it makes you feeling very unwell and you believe she needs to know what is going on behind her back as you are afraid if you try to reject him more, he would make the environment unbearable for you and twist it so you look like the seductress.

Laiste · 16/11/2021 15:05

That was about Fatgalslim post asking your response.

Original poster
CloneWars · 16/11/2021 15:05

My response was - I think it would be a horrendously bad idea for many reasons.

Clearly I should have said - I'm not interested/I don't fancy you/you're married/fuck off - But I was trying to be tactful!

OP posts:
CousinKrispy · 16/11/2021 15:06

Just stop messaging with him. You may have enjoyed the banter initially, but the messages he sends now make you uncomfortable. There's no way you're going to be able to get that point across to him and go back to casual, friendly banter--it's always going to feel weird or be pushed in an inappropriate direction by him. You have no need to go on messaging him.

Original poster
CloneWars · 16/11/2021 15:06

And yes I will absolutely stop texting him. I already said I was going to do that.

OP posts:
Brainwave89 · 16/11/2021 15:07

Very formal note back. This is inappropriate. Do not send any similar texts, I have no interest in you at all and if he sends any further such messages you will block him.

Babyvenusplant · 16/11/2021 15:08

Urgghhh what disgusting creep

HadEnough798 · 16/11/2021 15:10

Do not reply. It is the ONLY way. I had a similar scenario and my male friend gave me the advice 'yes but as long as you reply he thinks there's hope - it doesn't matter what you reply, any reply at all is encouragement as far as he's concerned.' So just abruptly stop replying, let his awkward messages hang and then be polite when you see him. It's the only way!