Pissed of at being hit on

[CloneWars]

NC for this.

I joined a local sports team a few months ago. There's often joint training with the men's team and we also play mixed games. One particular guy was really friendly and welcoming and I thought we were building up a bit of a friendship. I should point out at this point, I do not/have never fancied this guy.

We have a WhatsApp group for both teams but then he started messaging me privately. Initially it was all to do with the sport, he was very complimentary about me etc, having a bit of banter but then he started to test the water, started saying a few things that made me feel a bit uncomfortable, which I tried to bat off. He's now become quite blatant (via message) about the fact that he'd like to shag me.

I'm really pissed off because firstly he's married with kids and secondly that he's taken a bit of (what I thought) was friendly banter and is trying to get his end away. I've tried to make it clear that I'm not interested but he's pretty persistent.

I now feel like I either have to tell him to fuck off - which is going to make things really awkward as he is quite influential at the sports team. Or walk away from the whole thing, which would be so disappointing as I really enjoy going and there aren't any other teams in the local area. Or, try and distance myself but accept that things are going to be awkward.

I'm not sure what the AIBU is - because I know that I'm not! I'm not fucking interested in this bloke but I just don't know the best way to handle it. Help!

Personally I would send screenshots to the club president and or dickpic man's wife both should have zero tolerance of this

Screen shot the in case he deletes them. Then tell him to fuck off and that if you find yourself treated differently at the club the other members and his wife will receive the screenshots.

This!

Like fuck should you suffer due to his behaviour!

Although I have to say I think you were naive responding to the dms. In future if a guy does that be clear you're not interested in talking privately (ESPECIALLY if they're married/in a committed relationship and frankly especially as you appear to be! Were you enjoying the ego strokes? Be honest with yourself if not us)

He's quite manipulative with his messages

Be under NO illusions his wife knows him and would see right through that! And he knows it!

Are you reluctant to call him out because he could show your boyfriend messages from you that aren't so innocent?

Did you tell boyfriend about this?

She shouldn't really need to if he's married!

Agreed but...sadly in the real world...

Stop engaging with him! Honestly just TELL him you're not interested and to sis off!

Unless you can't because you're as guilt as he is...

This isn't his first time at this shite

Definitely

I still don't think any of what I've said is inappropriate

Would you be perfectly happy for your boyfriend to read and see what you've written?

If you weren’t interested you would have a) not engaged in the first place and b) blocked him the moment he wrote anything suggestive.

I have to agree

Certainly your boundaries are VERY weak as you've acknowledged

I'm wondering if you're very young/sheltered and that's why you didn't nip all this in the bud but that's really not the sense I'm getting

I would and have blocked men INSTANTLY for sliding into my dms inc people I know in real life, inc married men who KNEW that action alone would have got them in serious bother with their wives!

They know what they're doing, yes they're to blame and yes we as women shouldn't have to deal with it but in the real world we need to understand how it works and have and enforce good boundaries

This isn't even a modern issue, well the dm part is but in the past it was emails sent from an email address wife didn't know about or cornering you at work/hobby etc

If you are assertive and have good boundaries that you enforce it never gets beyond an initially attempt to start private communication/flirting/emotional affair.

Yes he's to blame for starting all this, but you are also responsible for your actions in all this.

I had a similar situation years ago but before mobile phones so was face to face.
I have always been mates with blokes & could banter quite happily at work. Most of my department were men. One day one of the men (much older & married) cornered me in a stairwell & propositioned me. I was horrified & immediately told him I wasn't interested. He used previous group conversations as 'evidence ' that I was 'gagging for it'. I was living with my boyfriend & he was married & 25 years my senior.
He made my life hell for months until he was made redundant.

You actually carried on replying to his messages after he offered to send you a dick pick???
You are leading him on.

Tell him your saving all his messages as screenshots & would he like you to show them to his wife?

I once had someone at my workplace acting like this towards me. He was married with a child. We were good friends and I thought he was really sweet, until he started to get really flirty and inappropriate. I told him if he doesn’t stop being inappropriate, I will no longer be friends with him or talk to him. I told him I’m happy in my relationship and he has a wife and kid. He said he was sorry bla bla bla, all was forgiven, and then it happened again. I put my foot down and said I was no longer talking to him again and we were not friends. It was awkward and work for a while but I just thought, HE was in the wrong and HE should be the one feeling awkward. I would advise you to really put your foot down and set boundaries. It’s not fair on yourself, your boyfriend or his wife. Hope this helps.

@Moonface123

l dont give my number to married men, and tell them as much, l know you were part of a Whatsapp group but l just find it alot easier to not allow married men access to me, too much hassel. ( Widowed young and learnt the hard way) l would reply " You are obviously not bothered but l am not here to hurt another woman " and leave it at that.

You literally don't have the mobile number of any man who happens to be married? Doesn't that restrict planning social events which often happen via WhatsApp? I'm thinking of my little groups - Bootcamp, swimming, running - and lots of the planning is done via WhatsApp. Many of the men are married.

Why you even got into texting him in the first place is beyond me. Faux naivety in a grown woman is very boring. Stop messaging married men

Screenshot messages, tell him how disgusting he is, block, send photos to wife. Hold your ground and stand up to this pig of a man!!!

I think when "banter" is around sex I think men tend to perk their ears up and think with their dick rather than their brains. So, while you were having the craic he was thinking he's gona get lead.. you are not wrong for banter. But he when someone goes further someone needs to be slap the boundaries down and especially inform the wife.

Point out that you are happily in a relationship, that you are NOT interested. That you have screenshots of all his messages and if he keeps on they will be sent to his wife.
With some blokes subtlety doesn't work.....get to the point.

I think there are two separate issues here.

1. Was it a good idea for OP, who is attached, to get into 'banter' (aka flirtation) with a married man, whose wife is in the same sports club, in which she talked about being able to see his penis, amongst other things? No, it was an idiotic thing to do.

It was bound to encourage sexual interest and appears contrary to her commitment to her partner (but we're not in her relationship). And as pp's have pointed out, she is not young or inexperienced enough to claim naivety, though seems to be trying that line.

2. Was it inevitable or ok that the man concerned turned out to be rapey, boundary-breaking bastard who took full advantage of her friendly, flirty interactions to push far too far, take advantage of his social power over her and make her feel uncomfortable? No. Not at all.

Sadly, it wasn't all that unpredictable either. And there's the rub.

And that's why I do think we all need to talk much more openly and honestly about male sexuality and predatory behaviour. To help young women go into the world with their eyes open. But also to expose the horrors of male predation and entitlement to sunlight and place the onus for explaining why that behaviour is ok - or admit that it is actually horrific, embarrassing and something that decent men want to distance themselves from - on men.

OP- You say you are a woman in your thirties but you sound like you are sixteen! You are not naive you are clearly egging him on, in my opinion you are both as bad as each other!
If it was bothering you that much you would have stopped answering him after the FIRST inappropriate msg.
GROW UP and take responsibility for your own actions!!!

Women get hit on all the time. A firm NO goes a long way. Any messages should be met with NO and nothing more. Don't engage, ask questions etc. Your side of responses should be continuous NOs and he'll soon get the picture.

I think you're right @lottiegarbanzo , but I know myself I wouldn't have listened to advice when younger, preferring instead to believe that I was different and special and enjoying a fun chat with my platonic pal ( with just the faint whiff of sauciness to make it fun).

Unfortunately it just seems to be a seminal lesson that most of us end up experiencing. Now - ironically as I'm older, uglier and less desirable- my spidey senses are strong even with seemingly innocuous relationships, also I wouldn't like DH to be indulging in flirty banter with a female friend, so likewise I don't do it with blokes.

This is sexual harassment. Tell him that and watch him stop and not bother you again.

@Notbornwithit

Why you even got into texting him in the first place is beyond me. Faux naivety in a grown woman is very boring. Stop messaging married men

Exactly. You don't want to do anything about the message trail because you know full well you've engaged in it all.

I know myself I wouldn't have listened to advice when younger, preferring instead to believe that I was different and special and enjoying a fun chat with my platonic pal ( with just the faint whiff of sauciness to make it fun).

Unfortunately it just seems to be a seminal lesson that most of us end up experiencing.

I agree. I'm now in my 40s (thankfully now old enough that this sort of thing is rare), but 20 year old me would have enjoyed the ego stroking and would have kidded myself that I was different, I was a 'cool girl' engaging in edgy banter that other women just didn't 'get'. I kidded myself that I had power in the situation, but that was obviously nonsense.

It's a hard lesson to learn, but a valuable one. This is why so many older women take no shit. Once that lightbulb moment happens (i.e. you realise that none of these men give a shit about you), you stop caring about preserving their feelings.

I also think the advice about sharing screenshots is bad, as at least some of the OPs messages can be interpreted as flirty (many posters have interpreted them in that way).

If the OP shares screenshots, he will go on the defensive. He will also share screenshots showing that the flirting was mutual. On top of that, you can be certain that other members of the club will have seen/overheard them chatting together and picked up on the banter. They will say "But I saw her talking to him about whether he'd cheated on his wife the other week, and joking about seeing him full frontal."

This is the kind of stuff that gets harassers and rapists acquitted (whether in a real court, or by their social peers).

Society doesn't treat the woman well in these situations. Because she was the first to make public accusations, she will be viewed as a shit-stirrer. On top of that, she'll be viewed as having flirted with a married man. So she'll be a home-wrecker and a false-accuser rolled into one.

Him? He'll be viewed as having being led astray by a pretty face, but everyone has long-standing friendships with him that they're invested him. They will frown upon it, but they probably won't see it as more than a minor character flaw. His wife will be very invested in their marriage.

And..... she'll be quietly ostracised from the club. It may not be done in an obvious way, it'll just become so uncomfortable that she leaves.

It's not fair or right, but it's what happens in reality.

^ invested in

Just to be clear - I am not saying that the OP is a shit-stirrer, or a home-wrecker, or a false-accuser. I think this guy is a predatory dickhead, and I doubt this is the first time he's done this.

But it's not my opinion that matters - it's how this village sports clique will view it.

All that matters now is you want it to stop.

It really doesn't matter about what has gone before.
Ignoring or not responding won't stop it. Stop worrying about politeness or whether you will be pushed out of the club. What if he doesn't take no for an answer, you may have to lose the club anyway.

You asked previously about the effect of blocking. Info here -

faq.whatsapp.com/general/security-and-privacy/about-blocking-and-reporting-contacts/?lang=en

in which it says:
Blocking a contact won’t stop that user from seeing your messages in a group you both participate in, and you’ll see their messages in that group as well. Please don't participate in groups with people you don't wish to communicate with

So it looks like you can go ahead and block and stop getting the private messages ( having screenshot them first) but still get the group info messages. Also you could ask a team mate to keep you briefed on important things so that you can mute those too.
There's also link to an article which details whether the Blocked will know or not.

I also think that sending a long message detailing what you think is too much like justifying and engaging with him. He already knows you are both in relationships etc and he's doing it anyway. I feel it might be giving him too much material to argue with, especially as he doesn't take no for an answer. And don't make threats either - eg why warn him in advance what you plan to do and that you will send the pictures to his wife?

Your messages have become increasingly inappropriate. I don't want to receive any more messages. Thankyou is enough in the first instance.

The next message from him will probably be "oh what are you talking about etc" You can follow up with "Your messages and refusal to listen amount to sexual harassment. It needs to stop. Don't contact me again." and then you can block.

Is there anyone in your female team you could confide in at this stage and say to them that you've asked him to stop? Then at least you have a witness to this mess.

Also. in your position, its galling but I would avoid the Christmas party. He's already indicated he will be on the prowl.

^ Good practical advice. Especially "I would avoid the Christmas party"

@CloneWars

and yes, it's d rather have the opportunity to say to him look, enough enough. I'm not interested. Rather than blocking him out of the blue because that's something that I can see him getting shitty about.

Why does it matter if he gets shitty? He is already shitty anyway because he is completely trampling all over you and disrespecting you.

Tell him to bugger off and stop harassing you, whether he is doing it by text, WhatsApp or in person.

Stop being so wishy washy about this in the name of trying to remain tactful. He isn't exactly being tactful, and to be honest, he sounds like rather a threat to you (and very possibly to the other women in the club too).

I should have added that you should definitely block him. Failure to do so is giving him entirely the wrong message and making him think that he can carry on.

Stop pussyfooting around.