Pissed of at being hit on

[CloneWars]

NC for this.

I joined a local sports team a few months ago. There's often joint training with the men's team and we also play mixed games. One particular guy was really friendly and welcoming and I thought we were building up a bit of a friendship. I should point out at this point, I do not/have never fancied this guy.

We have a WhatsApp group for both teams but then he started messaging me privately. Initially it was all to do with the sport, he was very complimentary about me etc, having a bit of banter but then he started to test the water, started saying a few things that made me feel a bit uncomfortable, which I tried to bat off. He's now become quite blatant (via message) about the fact that he'd like to shag me.

I'm really pissed off because firstly he's married with kids and secondly that he's taken a bit of (what I thought) was friendly banter and is trying to get his end away. I've tried to make it clear that I'm not interested but he's pretty persistent.

I now feel like I either have to tell him to fuck off - which is going to make things really awkward as he is quite influential at the sports team. Or walk away from the whole thing, which would be so disappointing as I really enjoy going and there aren't any other teams in the local area. Or, try and distance myself but accept that things are going to be awkward.

I'm not sure what the AIBU is - because I know that I'm not! I'm not fucking interested in this bloke but I just don't know the best way to handle it. Help!

"Your messages make me feel very uncomfortable, please stop"

That should do it.

Or banter back - "do you want a dick pic", "sorry mate my microscopes in the loft". "After party at yours?", "if we were the last 2 people on earth humans would die out immediately"

If he gets stroppy - it's only BANTER!!

Hehe I like those responses

@CloneWars

He clearly thinks he's the billy big bollocks of the sports club. He's been involved with it for years as has his wife. I'm the new person and don't have any clout as such.

Last month when he was messaging me I said right that's it I'm not coming any more and I'm going to tell your wife, trying to keep it jokey and he just said hahaha don't you dare

You're engaging with it as if it's a joke. Block and mention it to others at the club. Make clear that he has made you uncomfortable, and avoid him when you are at the club. Make is as blatant as you need.

There should be a safeguarding or welfare member on the committee running the club. You need to speak to them about the behaviour making you very uncomfortable and you are concerned that he will make things very awkward given he and his wife are so embedded in the running of the club. I would bet my last pound he has done this to others. Be prepared to show the messages to the person. Then they will need to act, even if it’s just to tell him to rein in his contact with you.

I think I’d say something like ‘thats not an appropriate thing to say and making me feel uncomfortable’ so there’s no room for ambiguity, and if he feigns ignorance beyond that I’d block him or ignore going forward.

He's already told me that he's slept with other people before and ooh wouldn't you just like to try it out? I respond with no, he then says he's oh I know you would, I've got you all figured out etc -

Hence me wanting to tell him to fuck off!! I've tried to be nice about it but clearly he's got it into his head that I'm gagging for him

@CloneWars

Yes exactly I feel I've said too much in what I thought was just banter and he has capitalised on it. I'm just reading back through the messages now and I can see that I've engaged far too much with him. I still don't think any of what I've said is inappropriate but he's clearly taken it as some kind of come on. I think the problem is that I probably wanted to impress him initially because he's influential in picking the teams etc so I engaged in this stupid banter thinking oh it's ok, he's a married man etc. Got that very wrong didn't I?

If it's any consolation, you won't be the first female club-member he has tried this with. He probably approaches every new female member the same way, as he's exploiting the perceived power and influence he has there.

Don't feel sorry for him because he's an old hand at this.

@TheOrigRights

"Your messages make me feel very uncomfortable, please stop"

That should do it.

This definitely

Don't get drawn in to passive aggressive and hints

It doesn't matter whether he wants to argue you have taken it the wrong way, it's just banter etc.

The point is purely that his messages are making you uncomfortable and you want them to stop

If he continues then there is no argument from him that he didn't get the hint, misunderstood, it's just banter etc. he has been made aware that it makes you uncomfortable, if he continues then he is consciously and deliberately setting out to do so.

That's much easier to call out than were there are grey lines

When you say you partook in crude banter, what exactly was said?

@Hankunamatata

I'd just stop replying. Go grey rock. If you do need to reply set up group chat with him and his wife

I agree, just stop replying completely. He will get the picture soon enough.

If he questions you in person just say, 'oh sorry, I've been really busy lately'.

Keep it breezy and 100% grey rock.

*If he questions you in person (about not replying to his messages) just say, 'oh sorry, I've been really busy lately'

@Rainbowshine

There should be a safeguarding or welfare member on the committee running the club. You need to speak to them about the behaviour making you very uncomfortable and you are concerned that he will make things very awkward given he and his wife are so embedded in the running of the club. I would bet my last pound he has done this to others. Be prepared to show the messages to the person. Then they will need to act, even if it’s just to tell him to rein in his contact with you.

In my experience, local clubs often don't have that role to start with, and when they do it's for show only.

My experience of local sports clubs is that welfare is much lower on the priority list than the egos of the 'great and the good' who run the club.

@CloneWars

Things like oh I hope you wear a really sexy dress for the Xmas party. After party at yours, just you and me yeah? I know what you really want, I've got you all figured out etc etc

He sounds so cringe😣

If he questions you in person just say, 'oh sorry, I've been really busy lately'.

I would be more direct than this. He is being extremely direct, the things he's texting are a lot more than hints.

Depending on the sport and club, there is probably a wider national body with policies in place to which the club must abide.

For example, I’m on the committee of our local tennis club and the LTA would not be pleased if we had a member being allowed to harass other members and making their membership untenable regarding access to an LTA tennis venue.

It’s sexual harassment and in your shoes I’d take it up with the committee. Doesn’t matter if he’s a big dog, doesn’t matter who’s in the committee.

If that’s a possibility for you, make a complaint. If they don’t deal with it effectively, take it up with the higher body.

In our club this could be grounds for termination or suspension of membership, even if the harassment isn’t taking place on our grounds.

What sport is it? I doubt it will be outing for you to share.

"Your messages are increasingly inappropriate and are making me feel very uncomfortable. Please stop. Now."

That's all you need to say. Its all you should say. Don't engage if he replies say "I have already asked you to stop."
Is there anyone else in the club on the committee, obvs not his wife, you could talk to and explain you thought it was banter but offer of dick pic . You've screenshot and asked him very clearly to stop.
The club won't want someone preying on members and giving them a bad rep.
Also.. if he's getting off on the messaging.. I'd be very worried about him engineering a situation where you are in the same room, alone. Let him be offended the creep.
Best way to keep him away.

Also tell someone who runs the womens team. You may not be the only one he's perving on.

Do you know if the club has a safeguarding or welfare officer you could speak with, as others have suggested? A quiet word about this guy not just for your sake, but the sake of every other new woman who joins the club would be in order.

I think you need to stop exchanging messages with him altogether. I'd be inclined to white lie and say "Digital detox, I'm cutting back on how much time I spend on my phone so I won't be messaging anymore, see ya at practice!" and then BLOCK his number (and profile on any other social media) and keep a low profile in the group chat for a while.

But, yes, screenshot everything inappropriate from him first, in case he starts a smear campaign against you. And speak to any safeguarding/welfare officer ... unless that's his wife?

Sorry you are stuck with this. His messages are clearly inappropriate.

Mention his wife

No wonder he thinks you are interested. You’re engaging in crude “banter” with a married man who offered to send you nasty pictures and you are still messaging with him?

If you weren’t interested you would have a) not engaged in the first place and b) blocked him the moment he wrote anything suggestive.

Why not tell his wife, or threaten to. Don't be afraid to be blunt, I don't think subtle is his style

If I may suggest another approach: don't say anything about being uncomfortable or wanting to stop (which he can twist) and simply stop responding to any inappropriate messages immediately. Respond only to the appropriate ones that relate to the sport or hobby you have in common, and be factual and brief.

I think he will take the hint and you'll have given him nothing to tease you with. I also think he is likely to want to retaliate in some petty way, because he sounds like a nob, but I'm sorry to say that from what you are telling us it sounds like that ship has sailed. Reel it back and, if he is not a total wanker, you can both pretend it never happened and move on, and you can continue to enjoy your sport.

Hi Xxx,
I initially started to message outside the group as I enjoyed your friendship. Unfortunately you have misconstrued this to mean that I am interested in you sexually, I am not.
I am happily in a relationship so would kindly ask you to refrain from communicating with messages containing sexual innuendo, sexual connotations or of sexually explict nature.
You are married and I'm sure you wife would not be impressed with the offer of dick pics or your suggestive thoughts about the xmas party.
I'm politely asking you to rein it in as I'm not interested in your advances and really don't want to escalate this further unless I am forced to by the continuation of unsolicited sexual messages.

Thank you.
Clonewars

Why are people advising the OP to find another club, or block and lay low, or use fuzzy language like “uncomfortable?”

Sitting on a beanbag makes me uncomfortable; being offered unsolicited doc picks etc makes me feel harassed. When it continues, that makes me feel threatened.

The OP—initial crude or banter responses aside (no, you didn’t do yourself any favours trying to ingratiate yourself with him in this way, OP) are irrelevant.

She has clearly said no, and stop. He hasn’t. It’s harassment.

It might not be the club’s responsibility ultimately but they should certainly be aware that the behaviour of this member is detrimental to club cohesion and participation.

This isn’t the time to be wishy-washy or make excuses or whatever is being advised. Report to the club!