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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pissed of at being hit on

394 replies

CloneWars · 16/11/2021 12:29

NC for this.

I joined a local sports team a few months ago. There's often joint training with the men's team and we also play mixed games. One particular guy was really friendly and welcoming and I thought we were building up a bit of a friendship. I should point out at this point, I do not/have never fancied this guy.

We have a WhatsApp group for both teams but then he started messaging me privately. Initially it was all to do with the sport, he was very complimentary about me etc, having a bit of banter but then he started to test the water, started saying a few things that made me feel a bit uncomfortable, which I tried to bat off. He's now become quite blatant (via message) about the fact that he'd like to shag me.

I'm really pissed off because firstly he's married with kids and secondly that he's taken a bit of (what I thought) was friendly banter and is trying to get his end away. I've tried to make it clear that I'm not interested but he's pretty persistent.

I now feel like I either have to tell him to fuck off - which is going to make things really awkward as he is quite influential at the sports team. Or walk away from the whole thing, which would be so disappointing as I really enjoy going and there aren't any other teams in the local area. Or, try and distance myself but accept that things are going to be awkward.

I'm not sure what the AIBU is - because I know that I'm not! I'm not fucking interested in this bloke but I just don't know the best way to handle it. Help!

OP posts:
traka · 16/11/2021 13:14

Stop replying to his bloody messages

As long as you continue to do so he thinks he's in with a chance

Original poster
CloneWars · 16/11/2021 13:16

The problem is that he really does believe that I want to have sex with him and I'm annoyed about it. Yes I've joined in with a bit of crude banter but nothing that I think could be misconstrued as 'I want to shag you'. Clearly I made a huge mistake doing that and I'm annoyed with myself

OP posts:
Rainbowshine · 16/11/2021 13:16

One last message to him individually, saying please stop messaging me individually, I am not interested. Take screenshot of the messages. Block the individual chat and don’t engage with it. Find out who the welfare or membership officer is at the club and tell them that you’ve received inappropriate comments from a member of the club, suggesting you should wear revealing clothes and be on the receiving end of photos of his genitals. Do not engage in any conversation with him, and don’t get into a situation where you’re alone with him.

CSJobseeker · 16/11/2021 13:18

@Lovelymincepies

Have you actually just told him that you are not interested in him??
She shouldn't really need to if he's married!
Original poster
CloneWars · 16/11/2021 13:18

Well, you won't believe this but his wife deals with new memberships at the club. Good what a mess

OP posts:
Warmduscher · 16/11/2021 13:20

I’m not saying you owe him anything and he sounds like a proper creep. But you’ve mentioned “crude banter” twice now - what exactly was it you said to him? Because he clearly thinks you’re up for something and unless he has the hide of an elephant it’s hard to work out why that is.

Original poster
CloneWars · 16/11/2021 13:21

He clearly thinks he's the billy big bollocks of the sports club. He's been involved with it for years as has his wife. I'm the new person and don't have any clout as such.

Last month when he was messaging me I said right that's it I'm not coming any more and I'm going to tell your wife, trying to keep it jokey and he just said hahaha don't you dare

OP posts:
OatALot · 16/11/2021 13:22

I also think you need to be very clear in your messaging and then do not engage on a private chat at all. I'd screenshot messages too but not from a revenge POV. If he is persistent after this, you then need to decide what to do.

Grabmygran · 16/11/2021 13:22

‘Look, I know you’re only joking around but if my boyfriend sees messages like that he’s going to take it the wrong way and I’d really hate that’

Sally872 · 16/11/2021 13:22

I would ignore him. Never message him back again. Be civil at club and nothing more. Hopefully awkwardness passes soon.

I think this is the best way to let it blow over so you can get back to enjoying hobby. I would rather you told him very bluntly to beat it in front of entire group but that's probably not going to make things any better for you.

Beamur · 16/11/2021 13:22

Stop replying. Only post in group chats.
You're not friends.

Drinkingallthewine · 16/11/2021 13:22

He's not giving two fucks as to whether it's making you uncomfortable or not so why are you running rings around yourself trying to be nice /subtle/ diplomatic when he's being a wanker?

Tell him bluntly. He'll try to bluster his way out of it and tell you that you are up your own hole thinking every man has the hots for you and he was just being nice and that he'd never fuck you in a month of Sundays blah blah but if you don't he'll keep on going and corner you into an unwitting date when he gets the chance and when you knock him back he'll tell you he was just being nice and that he'd never fuck you in a month of Sundays blah blah. And he's being very clever that if his wife gets wind of the messages it can be explained away as harmless flirting that YOU took too far... its what they do to ensure that the blame for everything always falls at your feet, not his. This isn't his first time at this shite.

My point is that he's engineering it so you are going to be deemed a cunt either way, so you might as well earn the title and wear it with pride!

Yousexybugger · 16/11/2021 13:22

Ok, so if I understand it, you're worried you might have said a bit too much whilst genuinely thinking it was just a laugh and in keeping with the club banter.

If you're not happy just blocking, and want a diplomatic approach (not that he deserves it but I get that you don't want problems at the club), what about 'I think this banter is going a bit far now! Obviously nothing like that is going to happen but I'd rather not keep making these jokes with a married man. Let's rein it in, shall we?'

That way you're not accusing him and are heading off at the pass any 'woah, I was only having a laugh!' responses. But, if he wants to continue, he's going to have to admit he isn't joking.

I would personally be blocking him and you're well within your rights to do so, after his inappropriate remarks but if you're worried about repercussions, this might be one approach.

IncompleteSenten · 16/11/2021 13:23

Screenshot all his inappropriate messages.
Send them to him, all of them
After that say leave me alone. Do not make things difficult for me at the club. Or all of these go to your wife and everyone at the club. I am not interested in you. Leave. Me. Alone.

DontKnowWhatToThink7 · 16/11/2021 13:23

I would tell him that he's making you feel uncomfortable and you would like him to stop.

WhyMeLord · 16/11/2021 13:24

I'd just stop replying to his messages completely. I'd also drop his behaviour into conversation with other people in the team, you wont be the first he has done this with and having people on your side might help him back off if word starts getting round he's being a sleazy perve again.

Beamur · 16/11/2021 13:24

@Grabmygran

‘Look, I know you’re only joking around but if my boyfriend sees messages like that he’s going to take it the wrong way and I’d really hate that’
Don't do this. It might seem like a gentler put down but actually he could interpret this as saying you are interested and it's only your boyfriend's displeasure that stops you. He's not remotely put off by you being in a relationship or you knowing he is. He's a sleazy guy you need to keep at arm's length.
Yousexybugger · 16/11/2021 13:24

Sorry, to add, all that is assuming you don't want to just stop replying! It's a very valid course of action

CSJobseeker · 16/11/2021 13:25

Is there any other club you could join for this hobby? Even if it's further away?

I've been in a situation like this, and these men don't change. I left the club, and I was upfront with them about the reason.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 16/11/2021 13:25

I would just go with something light but not ambiguous - e.g. "I can't tell if it's just your sense of humour but I'm not interested in flirting with married men, so can you stop with the grotty messages and sick pic offers ". Who cares if he tries to say it was just a joke or whatever, you've still then told him to stop. And then if he doesn't, just block.

Or just block anyway - presumably you don't need him specifically to be able to contact you to continue attending the club?

Llareggub · 16/11/2021 13:26

Don’t blame yourself. Keep the screenshots, block and delete. Do not engage. If he continues following your very clear message go to the police. It’s not banter, it’s harassment.

Hankunamatata · 16/11/2021 13:27

I'd just stop replying. Go grey rock. If you do need to reply set up group chat with him and his wife

mangowithasqueezeoflime · 16/11/2021 13:27

If he claims banter, tell him you want him to knock that off too.

You aren't interested
His banter is unwelcome
If he keeps it up, you will make it a formal issue

Hankunamatata · 16/11/2021 13:28

If he then says anything I'd say you would much rather deal with him AND his wife as you wouldn't want anyone getting the wrong idea

Original poster
CloneWars · 16/11/2021 13:28

Yes exactly I feel I've said too much in what I thought was just banter and he has capitalised on it. I'm just reading back through the messages now and I can see that I've engaged far too much with him. I still don't think any of what I've said is inappropriate but he's clearly taken it as some kind of come on. I think the problem is that I probably wanted to impress him initially because he's influential in picking the teams etc so I engaged in this stupid banter thinking oh it's ok, he's a married man etc. Got that very wrong didn't I?

OP posts: