Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pissed of at being hit on

394 replies

CloneWars · 16/11/2021 12:29

NC for this.

I joined a local sports team a few months ago. There's often joint training with the men's team and we also play mixed games. One particular guy was really friendly and welcoming and I thought we were building up a bit of a friendship. I should point out at this point, I do not/have never fancied this guy.

We have a WhatsApp group for both teams but then he started messaging me privately. Initially it was all to do with the sport, he was very complimentary about me etc, having a bit of banter but then he started to test the water, started saying a few things that made me feel a bit uncomfortable, which I tried to bat off. He's now become quite blatant (via message) about the fact that he'd like to shag me.

I'm really pissed off because firstly he's married with kids and secondly that he's taken a bit of (what I thought) was friendly banter and is trying to get his end away. I've tried to make it clear that I'm not interested but he's pretty persistent.

I now feel like I either have to tell him to fuck off - which is going to make things really awkward as he is quite influential at the sports team. Or walk away from the whole thing, which would be so disappointing as I really enjoy going and there aren't any other teams in the local area. Or, try and distance myself but accept that things are going to be awkward.

I'm not sure what the AIBU is - because I know that I'm not! I'm not fucking interested in this bloke but I just don't know the best way to handle it. Help!

OP posts:
CSJobseeker · 16/11/2021 18:34

OP could end up looking like she was colluding when she didn't put her foot down the first time it was inappropriate and it could fuck up her relationship

This is what I was getting at, but you've put it much more succinctly than me. OP potentially has a lot to lose here.

Women are socialised to believe that being polite and giving men the benefit of the doubt will go in their favour and make life easier for them, but it's a cruel lie.

billy1966 · 16/11/2021 19:11

@CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson

Screen shot the in case he deletes them. Then tell him to fuck off and that if you find yourself treated differently at the club the other members and his wife will receive the screenshots.
This.

Do not play nice.

Tell him once clearly that you are NOT interested.

If he comes back, tell him you are going to block him and if there is even a hint of him behaving badly towards you, you will ensure that everyone sees your WhatsApp conversation and your complete disinterest in a married man with children.

itsureis · 16/11/2021 19:22

I think your time might be up at the club OP.

If he has a lot of influence then he might make your life very difficult or if you just carry on in a friendly manner, like before, then it'll give him the green light.

You probably never should have had conversations outside the group chat but you weren't to know that he was this way.

immersivereader · 16/11/2021 19:25

I'm annoyed with myself because what I thought was banter in the beginning (I can be a bit crude) has obviously backfired and now I wonder, have a lead him on in some way? I

^

If you are in the least bit friendly to men, they think you want sex.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/11/2021 19:35

I say you want the last word and vindication / absolution / closure, both because it sounds like you do and because I would.

But my experience is that other people generally do not think or respond the way we want them to.

Yes, a quick 'that's enough, stop' message, then no more, is ok. Or just stop.

NigellaSeed · 16/11/2021 19:44

You sound like my friend. It's not your fault at all, but it's one of those unfortunate things, give a bloke an inch and they take a mile. To me, it's obvious not to engage in private messages of youre not interested but my friend is such a people pleaser and next minute she's getting texts a 2am telling her they liked her outfit that day. Etc

beastlyslumber · 16/11/2021 19:56

If you are in the least bit friendly to men, they think you want sex.

Yep. This has been my lifelong experience. You smile and act like a normal, friendly human being, and they either jump all over you or (if they don't fancy you) they get all offended and treat you like a piece of shit for having the nerve to be attracted to them (even though it's only in their heads).

It's a hard lesson to learn. Women really are socialised to value male attention and to always prioritise men's feelings. It's dangerous.

Lollypop701 · 16/11/2021 20:32

Thank you drift. Yes that's what has happened here. Started off as good friends and yes my boyfriend knows we message. The banter was not sleazy and inappropriate on my part. I was trying to gently/tactfully bat him off when the conversations took a more flirtatious turn.

I just feel like I'm being made out to be a attention seeking whore who has actively encouraged this man when all I ever wanted was to be friends. I should have been blunter, I see that. I accept that. I just want the opportunity to actually implement that rather than blocking (which will not go unnoticed by the entire sports club)

The problem is it was the man who overstepped the mark but op is being victim blamed by women. SHE didn’t stop it soon enough. SHE Needs to stop the interaction. does her partner know what SHE has done. And we wonder how men get away with this!!!!!!!!!!

NeverChange · 16/11/2021 20:59

Just text "your message are inappropriate and are making me uncomfortable. Please stop and don't put me in a position where I have to leave a sport I enjoy. If I have to leave, I will have no choice but to explain why to others".

MeltedButter · 16/11/2021 21:05

"I'm not interested"

billy1966 · 16/11/2021 21:13

@beastlyslumber

If you are in the least bit friendly to men, they think you want sex.

Yep. This has been my lifelong experience. You smile and act like a normal, friendly human being, and they either jump all over you or (if they don't fancy you) they get all offended and treat you like a piece of shit for having the nerve to be attracted to them (even though it's only in their heads).

It's a hard lesson to learn. Women really are socialised to value male attention and to always prioritise men's feelings. It's dangerous.

Unfortunately I think this is overwhelmingly true for the vast majority of men.

OP, I hope this thread gives you the tools to shut him down.

He sounds like scum.

Flowers
downtonupton · 16/11/2021 23:11

pain in the arse... just say something along the lines of (you're fucking married you arse) I am not interested. babe such a shame we didnt seet when we were at college but you're married, I have a boyfriend, shame it will never happen.

downtonupton · 16/11/2021 23:11

@downtonupton

pain in the arse... just say something along the lines of (you're fucking married you arse) I am not interested. babe such a shame we didnt seet when we were at college but you're married, I have a boyfriend, shame it will never happen.
at least that way you keep the group/sport/activity etc
CSJobseeker · 16/11/2021 23:17

Saying "shame it will never happen" strongly implies that you would be up for it if only you were single. Dickheads like this need to be told unambiguously.

Not "it's a pity I have a boyfriend", or "it's a bad idea", or "but you're married". Just: "No, I am not interested in you, please stop messaging me or I will report this as harassment."

We need to break free of this female socialization! He's a creep. He doesn't deserve letting down lightly.

He doesn't care about her feelings in the slightest. He s not pussyfooting around her trying to be tactful and nice. FFS he's actually texted her to say he "won't take no for an answer".

CSJobseeker · 16/11/2021 23:18

And attempting to let him down lightly will not have the effect of making him go away so the OP can enjoy her sport in peace. Quite the opposite.

Maskless · 16/11/2021 23:46

If you need to keep him on side for the sake of your sport then you can always make a big joke of it. That is what I've done in same circs.

itsureis · 17/11/2021 00:02

@CSJobseeker I totally agree.
If you make excuses as to why it'll never then he will say 'so you would if I wasn't married/ you didn't have a boyfriend' etc which makes them think you are interested if the circumstances were different.

Give him no reason - just say No

user698312578 · 17/11/2021 00:23

Why are you giving it so much thought? Just block him no explanation necessary unless he talks to you in person and even then just a short one and ignore him

supremelybaffled · 17/11/2021 00:29

@Bagamoyo1

Make friends with his wife. He’ll run a mile then.
Maybe the other women in the club have made friends with his wife for much the same reason.
ClareBlue · 17/11/2021 00:37

@Bagamoyo1

Make friends with his wife. He’ll run a mile then.
Yes, I've seen that work well in these situations. They find it too close for comfort and the wife usually spots any inappropriate feelings from their husband.
LoveGrooveDanceParty · 17/11/2021 01:15

The problem is it was the man who overstepped the mark but op is being victim blamed by women. SHE didn’t stop it soon enough. SHE Needs to stop the interaction. does her partner know what SHE has done. And we wonder how men get away with this!!!!!!!!!!

So what do you suggest the OP do then, give the only person she has any influence over is herself?

Sit there and take it until he decides to be a decent human being?

That sounds productive.

CatonMat · 17/11/2021 01:54

No doubt it is him who has overstepped the mark, and it seems that he's pretty confident in himself, so maybe it's a pattern for him.

There are still steps the op can take to ensure there is no ambiguity in her responses though.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 17/11/2021 08:53

The problem is it was the man who overstepped the mark but ... SHE didn’t stop it soon enough. SHE Needs to stop the interaction. does her partner know what SHE has done. And we wonder how men get away with this!!!!!!!!!!

Unfortunately this is many people's experience but its infuriating. Its what leads to people keeping silent about harassment. Keep quiet, don't kick up a fuss.. And the OP is already saying that she fears being outcast in her village because so many people are in this sports club.
Its outrageous and this is how he gets away with it.
Op has also said that she feels responsible because she tried to banter and pass it off as a joke.

OP HE IS RESPONSIBLE for this. Its sometimes hard to see where things are going when you are in it, easier to see with hindsight when the messages started to turn nasty. It doesn't matter if you responded when he started messaging. It only matters that he should not be making rapey comments about the Xmas Party and offering to send you dick pix. He can't claim "justification" for that, although he may well try but its unacceptable.

Think of it another way. He led you on.. into thinking it was harmless banter until he got to the point where he felt comfortable introducing harassment. This is what has happened and now you want it to stop.
You can't go by his rules of thinking that you were in a message thread with him so everything that happened is your fault and therefore you have no grounds to complain.
It is down to him, and you should as everyone has said message saying it needs to stop. No apologies, no justification. Just it needs to stop and see where things go from there. That may be enough to shut him up. as @CatonMat said its a pattern for him, so you won't be the only one and you could quietly find out about that because you may have more support than you realise.
And don't walk around as if you've been handed a Scarlet Letter either. That belongs to him.

dottiedodah · 17/11/2021 09:36

Yes agree to stop replying to him really . These sort of guys are only after one thing sadly. It is complicated that you are all in the same village .Maybe others know what hes like ! If you stop replying ,and maybe give the sports team a miss for a few weeks (cite minor illness,workload whatever . When you return then just act casual like nothing has happened .If he still carries on you may have to move to a new club in the new year .

Charley50 · 17/11/2021 10:14

Yes just stop replying. If you start responding by saying his messages are inappropriate, he'll might that as a threat to 'out' him, and might try and turn it back on you. Tbh your texts can be read as quite flirty and I'd be really pissed if if I was your partner, or his his wife, if I saw them. Seeing as you live in a small village, and both of you are in relationships already, I would have been a bit more cautious in the first place with this creep.