Pissed of at being hit on

[CloneWars]

NC for this.

I joined a local sports team a few months ago. There's often joint training with the men's team and we also play mixed games. One particular guy was really friendly and welcoming and I thought we were building up a bit of a friendship. I should point out at this point, I do not/have never fancied this guy.

We have a WhatsApp group for both teams but then he started messaging me privately. Initially it was all to do with the sport, he was very complimentary about me etc, having a bit of banter but then he started to test the water, started saying a few things that made me feel a bit uncomfortable, which I tried to bat off. He's now become quite blatant (via message) about the fact that he'd like to shag me.

I'm really pissed off because firstly he's married with kids and secondly that he's taken a bit of (what I thought) was friendly banter and is trying to get his end away. I've tried to make it clear that I'm not interested but he's pretty persistent.

I now feel like I either have to tell him to fuck off - which is going to make things really awkward as he is quite influential at the sports team. Or walk away from the whole thing, which would be so disappointing as I really enjoy going and there aren't any other teams in the local area. Or, try and distance myself but accept that things are going to be awkward.

I'm not sure what the AIBU is - because I know that I'm not! I'm not fucking interested in this bloke but I just don't know the best way to handle it. Help!

Oh go away Worra. You're really not adding anything useful.

@CloneWars

Oh go away Worra. You're really not adding anything useful.

Well 250+ posters have and what's changed? 🤷‍♀️

You still haven't blocked him after 4 months and you're still milking it.

If there’s anything over learned in life about men is that an overwhelming majority of them perceive basic politeness as flirting/interest. So if there’s suggestive banter and innuendo then they most definitely think you’re interested sexually etc. Sounds like that’s happened here.

Second what everyone else has said about cutting him off and just not replying at all.

@pinkgin85

Why do you keep replying? I would have muted his chat and ignored him a long time ago!

this just don't reply to his messages or days later he will move onto someone new soon!

sigh I’ve not over.

The more you post the more it reads your enjoying the attention.

It’s really not hard to say clearly NO. You have chosen not too and now you have let yourself get in deeper.

I would have shut this down at the offer of dick pics, if not before, and said "Do not contact me again outside of the group. This is completely inappropriate and very unwelcome."

just don't reply to his messages or days later he will move onto someone new soon!

There's a possibility that this is what the OP is worried about.

You want the last word and somehow imagine he's going to be forced to acknowledge your rightness and his inappropriateness, thus absolving you of the guilt and shame you feel at having let it get this far (not saying you should feel ashamed but you are clearly experiencing an uncomfortable feeling you'd like to be rid of).

He isn't.

Just start referring to him as Pest to everyone including himself until he stops pestering you for sex

OP - does you boyfriend know about the messages? What would he say if he did know?

If I saw that my DH had sent a woman messages saying, "Are you serious with the sexual flirting or is it just a joke?" followed by, "It would be a horrendous idea..." I would consider divorcing him. It's a blatant come-on, whatever you might say.

Either you are extremely naïve to the ways of the world, and the potential subtext of what you say (in which case you need to avoid banter at all costs because you can't engage in it safely); or you do know that words can have subtext, but you want plausible deniability. You need to work out which it is.

Actually I have listened to the vast swathes of posters who've said stop engaging. I've said repeatedly that I'll do that.

There have been a few suggestions to just block him with no explanation. I'd rather just tell him straight and for the final time that nothing is ever going to happen and that I'm not interested. So there can be NO misunderstanding.

Then I'm told that I'm milking it and doing it for attention? I swear there are some people on here who just love to stick the boot in for the sake of it.

OMG Worra just stop already! Jesus give it a rest. This is what I should have said to him so thanks for the practice run.

Does your boyfriend know about the messages?

Screenshot his sleazy want to shag you messages & post openly to all on the WhatsApp group chat with a note

"FYI, I neither appreciate, nor asked for these types of messages. It's a bit grim tbh. Let's not do it again"

I get what happened OP. I was friends with a male in a position of power and knew his wife. We had to email a lot and over time the emails became a bit conversational. This seemed just like an organic evolution. Like asking questions about how his day has been, him asking me if I'm watching anything good on tv - just ways to introduce or conclude a dry email.

He was married. I'm lesbian. How on Earth it went the way it did I don't know.

Over time he started sending me messages that in hindsight were flirty - like 'oh you emailed early this morning, I imagine you in your PJs snuggled up in bed'. But I just thought nothing of it.

Eventually it became blatant enough for me to grow concerned. Like I would reply quickly to an email and he would retort with 'I love fast women'.

By the time I was starting to panic it had become very overt: 'I can't stop thinking about you'

He was married. I'm a lesbian. I say this AGAIN because it was BAFFLING. I also knew his wife - not as a friend but I interacted with her several times and could easily spill the beans.

In this scenario I couldn't just block him as I needed to be in contact. So what I did was send him (a far too generous email) in which I said I was probably misunderstanding his emails but I think we should stick to work from now on so there is no confusion. From that point on I ignored ANYTHING that wasn't work even direct questions.

He stopped in the end.

I totally get how this happened OP and I totally understand how banter can get out to hand when a man is involved who just has no fucking morals and the arrogance to think friendly exchanges - even from a lesbian - is a green light for an affair.

Thank you drift. Yes that's what has happened here. Started off as good friends and yes my boyfriend knows we message. The banter was not sleazy and inappropriate on my part. I was trying to gently/tactfully bat him off when the conversations took a more flirtatious turn.

I just feel like I'm being made out to be a attention seeking whore who has actively encouraged this man when all I ever wanted was to be friends. I should have been blunter, I see that. I accept that. I just want the opportunity to actually implement that rather than blocking (which will not go unnoticed by the entire sports club)

So it's solved then?

Yes problem solved - thanks everyone!

I have read all your posts OP but nowhere have you been clear why you didn't just block / ignore / tell him firmly as soon as the 'banter' turned inappropriate.

Why would you need 4 months of it & a thread on MN to tell you the blindingly obvious?

(Think I know the answer tbh).

You've done nothing wrong. You've been friendly. A married man has over stepped and because you're a nice person who wants to stay with the sport havent told him to fuck off. Sometimes in life we can't just tell people to fuck off. Life isn't that simple.

HE is in the wrong and yer you're facing having to leave your sport.

If it were me I would say you may be misinterpreting but you're not interested in more than friends. He will reply with 'whoa it was banter'; you say 'oh ok' and then remain neutral.

@saleorbouy

Hi Xxx, I initially started to message outside the group as I enjoyed your friendship. Unfortunately you have misconstrued this to mean that I am interested in you sexually, I am not. I am happily in a relationship so would kindly ask you to refrain from communicating with messages containing sexual innuendo, sexual connotations or of sexually explict nature. You are married and I'm sure you wife would not be impressed with the offer of dick pics or your suggestive thoughts about the xmas party. I'm politely asking you to rein it in as I'm not interested in your advances and really don't want to escalate this further unless I am forced to by the continuation of unsolicited sexual messages.

Thank you.
Clonewars

This ^. Sounds like a very good response.

I'm glad it's solved(!), but that wasn't really what I asked - your BF may know that 'you message', but does he know about the inappropriate ones? Does he know this guy offered to send you a dick pic? Has he seen the message you sent him asking whether he was serious?

If a man offered to send me a dick pic I would tell my DH, and I would be ignoring/blocking him from then on. My DH would be justifiably pissed off if I continued to message a man who had offered to send me a dick pic, and my marriage is more important to me than some creep's feelings.

This guy crossed the point of no return the moment he offered to send you a photo of his penis. He must be amazed at his luck that you didn't block him then, as I bet he's had his fair share of being blocked before.....

Please do take the advice people have given about not ever being alone with this man. There are too many red flags to count.

@EarringsandLipstick best case scenario - politeness to the point of being massively taken advantage of . Name me a woman who hasn't been in this position because we all have.

worst case scenario - kind of likes the subterfuge but it's gone a bit far now and OP could end up looking like she was colluding when she didn't put her foot down the first time it was inappropriate and it could fuck up her relationship - can only assume her DP doesn't know about it as he'd surely have told the guy to pack it in long ago or at least made it very clear to OP that she should.

Politeness to the point of being massively taken advantage of. Name me a woman who hasn't been in this position because we all have.

Yep. Been there, got the t-shirt, been forced to leave the sports club!