Pissed of at being hit on

[CloneWars]

NC for this.

I joined a local sports team a few months ago. There's often joint training with the men's team and we also play mixed games. One particular guy was really friendly and welcoming and I thought we were building up a bit of a friendship. I should point out at this point, I do not/have never fancied this guy.

We have a WhatsApp group for both teams but then he started messaging me privately. Initially it was all to do with the sport, he was very complimentary about me etc, having a bit of banter but then he started to test the water, started saying a few things that made me feel a bit uncomfortable, which I tried to bat off. He's now become quite blatant (via message) about the fact that he'd like to shag me.

I'm really pissed off because firstly he's married with kids and secondly that he's taken a bit of (what I thought) was friendly banter and is trying to get his end away. I've tried to make it clear that I'm not interested but he's pretty persistent.

I now feel like I either have to tell him to fuck off - which is going to make things really awkward as he is quite influential at the sports team. Or walk away from the whole thing, which would be so disappointing as I really enjoy going and there aren't any other teams in the local area. Or, try and distance myself but accept that things are going to be awkward.

I'm not sure what the AIBU is - because I know that I'm not! I'm not fucking interested in this bloke but I just don't know the best way to handle it. Help!

Ok Toni.

I've contributed quite a bit to this thread and have found the conversation with others really quite interesting.

But being 'told off' and told how I ought to conduct myself, in order to meet with your stern approval, is neither conversational nor interesting.

Byee.

You don’t need to be so rude as to say f**k off as you say this might make things at the sports events a bit awkward. Just say ‘ I don’t think we should be exchanging these type of messages, they may be misconstrued, you’re married and I’m in a relationship, so let’s just message one another if it’s relating to our sport please’.

Eh, ignore him?

could you slow down how fast you respond to his texts? Like, leave more and more time between them? And reply with neutral stuff like, sorry, really busy but then leave it at that. So you kind of fade out. I think it is awful that you have to think about his responses but if being direct may cause problems you could perhaps just becoming really boring in your responses.

Surely not?!

@Bignanny30

You don’t need to be so rude as to say f**k off as you say this might make things at the sports events a bit awkward. Just say ‘ I don’t think we should be exchanging these type of messages, they may be misconstrued, you’re married and I’m in a relationship, so let’s just message one another if it’s relating to our sport please’.

No "please" at the end. "Thank you" That conveys that you expect the request to be complied with. He is the one in the wrong.

@lottiegarbanzo

Ok Toni.

I've contributed quite a bit to this thread and have found the conversation with others really quite interesting.

But being 'told off' and told how I ought to conduct myself, in order to meet with your stern approval, is neither conversational nor interesting.

Byee.

Classic.

Tell him to fuck off, then let him feel awkward, and refuse to feel awkward yourself.

@CloneWars

I have said several times I will not engage any further on a private chat. But as far as blocking him, if I do that then I'm not sure if that then blocks me off the main team group as he is the admin.

If you’re not prepared to block him, he will interpret as that as “well if she really wasn’t interested she would have blocked me”. You’ve been spectacularly naive in your dealings with him. Maybe you were subconsciously flattered by the attention.

You really should report him to management at the club, or whoever is the highest ranking person there, if he’s part of the management. By keeping quiet about it, you are almost colluding in his behaviour. I don’t mean that I think that, but others at the club might. They may consider that you haven’t really objected to his behaviour in any meaningful way. Is there no governing body you can report him to as well.

Banter is dangerous and generally speaking, inappropriate on some level, as you are finding. Don’t leave yourself in a position where it could be construed that you’ve encouraged him. You’re probably one in a long line of women he’s behaved his way with.

There are men out there who can be respectfully friends with a female, but he’s clearly not one of them.

Tell him you are sharing all his messages with your partner and he has said if they don't stop, he will be visiting his wife to see if she would like a shag, wink wink... Has worked before!

But he'll take that as a joke? He won't treat that as a serious response.

It's joking that had paved the way for this. A serious, unambiguous response is needed.

If there is one emoji I would not send this man, under any circumstances, it's a winking face.

I’ve read all your posts but not the entire thread snd it seems as though you’re having to defend yourself to people here when HE is the one being entirely inappropriate and predatory. It makes my blood boil that it sounds as though he’s relying on you feeling too awkward and uncomfortable about his appalling behaviour to challenge it and exploiting that to get some kind of awful kick out of it. I really empathise with your position here. You’ve ended up in a situation that you never intended to happen and now you’re feeling responsible for putting an end to someone else’s awful and manipulative behaviour. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this xx

@FrangipaniBlue

There's a whole spectrum of responses, none of which need to be as dramatic as telling him to fuck off or leaving the sports team or threatening him with screenshots

Maybe you would be kind enough you share the responses.

@CloneWars

Urgh I just know what he's like. If I say look I'm not interested can you just leave it. He'll turn it back on me, oh it was only banter etc, I wasn't being serious

You can't have it all, you are clearly being bullied to appease this cxxt. This is why famous perverts get away with stuff as women are scared to rock the boat! I would tell him straight, he won't handle the rejection whatever way you deliver it. Least if it all comes out your stance was clear. You need to put it on him stating you have and always were just bantering and he has chosen to misinterpret that. Say you find cheats a turn off and you don't want any more crass offers of genital pictures as it's plain weird. Humiliate that bastard.

lottiegarbanzo You say that it shouldn't be that way, but you post as though nothing is EVER going to change.

You say nothing about how they can NOT be that way, or anything about moving the goalposts, changing the conversation, etc. You offer nothing to suggest you've given any thought about how you can make it better.

If all you do is throw your little hands up in the air (and post on women/feminist boards about how Nothing Can Change, So Why Bother), you're part of the problem.

Start responding to his messages with emojis. Guaranteed to annoy him because it will be clear that you wonMy be interacting with him on then"banter" level anymore.

The 🙄 for the odd ones is probably sufficient. Thumbs up for the time notification/information type messages.

If you're in a small place, and he is popular, protecting yourself is the bigger priority. Calling him out on his behaviour is totally your choice.

Erm WTAF @ErrmWTAF?

He's probably done it to others. Could you
ask around cautiously, say something to the effect you find his banter near the knuckle and have they had any issues with him?

You have prolonged this by batting messages back and forth even after he has crossed the line. You say he's told you he's slept with other women, so you must have been engaging in discussions with him which go beyond 'friendly banter' for this to have come up in conversation.

I too do a mixed sport, actually it's predominantly men. And the 'banter' I would have as you describe would be more like 'ha, you were shit tonight you old bastard'.

Also, you say that you're so well acquainted with what you describe as 'bloke banter' but seem to have no idea about how to assert yourself with what sounds like a common garden loser. So I don't believe that you aren't enjoying the attention. In these rare situations at my sports club it goes like this when there are unsolicited and unappreciated comments:

'Hope you're wearing a bikini to beach training'
'Shut the fuck up Brian you massive pervert'
And that's the end of that.

l dont give my number to married men, and tell them as much, l know you were part of a Whatsapp group but l just find it alot easier to not allow married men access to me, too much hassel. ( Widowed young and learnt the hard way)
l would reply " You are obviously not bothered but l am not here to hurt another woman " and leave it at that.

Just say I've got one arse in my pants dont need another 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Tell him to fuck off or you will send all his messages to his wife.

‘Does your wife know that you’re sending me these messages? It’s not appropriate so please stop.’

Men are often slow to respond to more subtle messages. In fact, they are, for the most part, like mules. You should always use kindness when training them, but occasionally, you might need to hit one between the ears with a 2x4 so he'll listen to you. Tell him bluntly that you are not interested in him, especially not married, but generally not interested. DO keep his PMs, in case you need them later, and BLOCK him if he doesn't back off immediately.