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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH Nightshift Christmas Eve

288 replies

TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 16/11/2021 07:01

DH is a nurse and we’ve been preparing ourselves for him having to work on Christmas Day. He’s been lucky enough to have the last few Christmas days off. Just found out that he’s likely to do a night shift on Christmas Eve and honestly I’m gutted. Our youngest son has ASD and whenever DH does nights we have to ship our oldest DS off to a grandparents house for a sleepover as our youngest disturbs his sleep, goes into his room, turns on all the lights, bounces all over him and tries to wrestle him 😂DS (youngest) gets wound up and excited by the oldest. We cope by DH having to sleep in oldests bedroom locked in! Now I have no idea how Christmas Eve would work if I’m alone with the two of them driving each other crazy 😱The solution would be for oldest to stay at his grandmothers house but I’m absolutely gutted to think that I won’t see him wake up and open his stocking etc. It might be his last year of believing in Santa (he’s 9) and this makes me so sad 😭 seeking advice, I don’t want to split them up but might have to for our sanity 😯

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 16/11/2021 11:35

Op, Does this mean your eldest can never have friends over to play or for a sleepover as he shares a room with his Dad?

StucklnAMuumuuCantGetOutOflt · 16/11/2021 11:45

Haven't rtft but depending on ages and oldest's ability to keep his mouth shut or whether when they break up they keep track of dates...I personally would keep 24th normal then do Xmas Eve on the 25th and Xmas Day on the 26th and have zero guilt or stress about it whatsoever...I have moved my son's birthday twice (also on the spectrum) without him knowing, when something was going to make it go horribly wrong. I'd do this and just avoid terrestrial channels saying Xmas day/boxing day and DP would back me in my subterfuge (Twirls Machiavellian moustache and cackles).
Unless you are religious or have a shared family gathering, it's just a date and not even Jesus's proper birthday date at that.

Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 16/11/2021 11:48

@ZeroFuchsGiven

Op, Does this mean your eldest can never have friends over to play or for a sleepover as he shares a room with his Dad?
He does have friends over to play. As for sleepovers. His friends have only recently started to have them. He hasn’t had any friends overnight yet.
OP posts:
MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 16/11/2021 11:50

@Therealjudgejudy

You need to be getting the appropriate care for your youngest. Christmas is just a red herring.

Also from all of your laughing emojis you seem to be treating this like a joke.. Confused

Obviously none of us knows the true dynamics in the OP's family. However, it would be interesting to know the DS1's true feelings. The OP repeatedly ignores questions about the impact on him of their current arrangement, or minimises it. Look at her OP - it's all about how she will miss out on the fun on Christmas morning, and there's not a word about how DS1 might feel.

It would also be interesting to know to what extent the parents' co-sleeping arrangements (one with each child) are an excuse to avoid emotional and sexual intimacy. The fact that the OP hasn't tried any of the really obvious solutions, like a stairgate or lock on her own bedroom door, suggest that she is happy with the status quo.

Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 16/11/2021 11:51

@Therealjudgejudy

You need to be getting the appropriate care for your youngest. Christmas is just a red herring.

Also from all of your laughing emojis you seem to be treating this like a joke.. Confused

Definitely not treating this like a joke. I did one laughing emoji to make light of what is in reality a very difficult situation. I certainly do not see it as a joke.
OP posts:
Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 16/11/2021 11:52

I’m not ignoring questions btw. There have been a lot of replies and I’m doing my best to respond to everyone.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 16/11/2021 11:54

I get it. Sometimes if you didn’t laugh you would cry!

It’s easy to judge a situation when you haven’t lived it. The OP is trying her best in a rubbish situation

Seabea · 16/11/2021 11:57

Tricky situation.

My sibling was similar, and having Christmas moved/not being home would have been a step too far for me. My whole life revolved around him, from a young age I understood why and cracked on with it, but looking back I wish I'd been prioritised just once. Can you push for more support from the angle that it affects your other son? Sleeping in a room with his dad isn't going to be fair for much longer, he will want his own space soon and rightly so.

DukkaDukka · 16/11/2021 12:02

It’s definitely worth trying a weighted blanket, make sure you look at which weight to get, think it’s 10% of body weight. Also some pressure massage using a gym ball or peanut roll. Dim lighting, calm app etc. think we’ve tried it all.

And of course DH shouldn’t call in sick (to whoever suggested it), you just can’t call in sick at Christmas! I remember someone I worked with phoning in on Christmas Day because their child had chicken pox (she didn’t even celebrate Christmas). And lived with her entire extended family. It did not go down well.

Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 16/11/2021 12:18

@Seabea

Tricky situation.

My sibling was similar, and having Christmas moved/not being home would have been a step too far for me. My whole life revolved around him, from a young age I understood why and cracked on with it, but looking back I wish I'd been prioritised just once. Can you push for more support from the angle that it affects your other son? Sleeping in a room with his dad isn't going to be fair for much longer, he will want his own space soon and rightly so.

We are definitely seeking more support, awaiting a Carers Assessment and then we can apply for respite etc. I totally understand as I grew up with a sibling who had difficulties and did feel that the focus was always on sibling. We’ve co slept from the start. DH idea! I desperately want oldest to sleep in his own room and have his independence. We’ve tried to get oldest to sleep alone but he freaks out when left alone and won’t sleep on his own. We do suspect our eldest of having ADHD/being neurodivergent. He has some difficulties too. Looking to the future, It won’t work him staying with his dad forever, we are hoping for a safe space for the youngest and our oldest can get used to sleeping alone.
OP posts:
WellTidy · 16/11/2021 12:19

I really feel for you, OP. It is so hard having a child with additional needs and also being mindful of another child's needs, all whilst running on close to empty day after day after day.

Everyone has an opinion on what you're doing wrong, what should/could change, and what you should/could be thinking and planning and be aware of and preventing and all the rest. Lucky you that those opinions are being shared, eh.

Good luck.

DownWhichOfLate · 16/11/2021 12:24

People have an opinion on an online chat forum. Puzzler.

RudestLittleMadam · 16/11/2021 12:32

Massive sympathies OP- my son has ASD and as a result, a sleep disorder. Melatonin really helps and I join other people saying please give it a try, for all your sakes. Disrupted sleep is so bad for everyone’s health once it takes its toll.

And I want to say as well that while your youngest son and his difficulties will have an impact on your other child at times, it does not mean anyone’s childhood is “ruined”.

girlmom21 · 16/11/2021 12:38

I desperately want oldest to sleep in his own room and have his independence. We’ve tried to get oldest to sleep alone but he freaks out when left alone and won’t sleep on his own.

Could this be because he's paranoid about his brother coming in and attacking him when he's sleeping?

It may well not be but it's something to consider.

Does he not sleep about at his granny's house?

callmeadoctor · 16/11/2021 12:59

As far as him keeping switching on the lights, take the fuse or bulb out of relevant rooms (keep a torch or nightlight for emergencies). Tall safety gate on the door, maybe some of that night sleep stuff that you put on pillow. Sleep music on, weighted blanket, black out blinds. Check if he is too hot or too cold. If you must stay with him, use earphones to block him out. Try getting something really new to have in bed only (soft toy or something.) Maybe redecorate his room to how he would like it? (themed)

callmeadoctor · 16/11/2021 13:00

Tell him that his brother has a highly infectious disease.............................................. (only half joking!!! Smile

Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 16/11/2021 13:02

@girlmom21

I desperately want oldest to sleep in his own room and have his independence. We’ve tried to get oldest to sleep alone but he freaks out when left alone and won’t sleep on his own.

Could this be because he's paranoid about his brother coming in and attacking him when he's sleeping?

It may well not be but it's something to consider.

Does he not sleep about at his granny's house?

He’s always been scared to sleep in his own room on his own, even before his brother came along. He co sleeps with his granny.
OP posts:
MoreHairyThanScary · 16/11/2021 13:17

My sister had this with her DS not just night time irritation but day time too, she had combination locks put on the bedroom doors and star locks on the lounge and kitchen to prevent access when she wasn't around.
Well worth it as DH could be back with you and limited access to ds1"s room daytime!

Also melatonin!

Horst · 16/11/2021 13:23

Maybe they could both do with weighted blankets

toomuchlaundry · 16/11/2021 13:36

I’m assuming he won’t be able to co-sleep with his granny for too much longer

EKGEMS · 16/11/2021 13:42

Calling in sick on holidays as a RN will land you in a world of trouble with your employer without an actual valid excuse like illness or family death. Where I work you would have to call our director personally at home and explain how and why. I only missed a couple holiday shifts due to pneumonia

Knitwit101 · 16/11/2021 13:44

Rolling my eyes at everyone on here thinking you're just not trying hard enough to get your kids to sleep independently. Some folk really have no idea.

We've had prescribed melatonin, it changed our lives. Ds was 6 when he started.

But that doesn't solve your Christmas problem.

Will dh be home for Christmas morning? How will you manage to sort presents etc, do you get some time when they're both asleep?

I think if i could arrange it I would have all 3 of you sleeping in the one room. You and ds2 nearest the door. Then as soon as he wakes up you can take him out into another room and leave ds1 hopefully still asleep.

Accept Christmas day is going to be messy, aim for a walk then an afternoon nap in front of the TV if at all possible.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 16/11/2021 14:09

He’s always been scared to sleep in his own room on his own, even before his brother came along

Well he was 4 then, presumably. Now he's 9. He needs help to work through any fears before he hits puberty. But this needs to be done in the context of the family dynamics generally. Is night-time the only time he gets 1 on 1 parental attention?

Blondeshavemorefun · 16/11/2021 14:52

Sounds very stressful

So you both sleep every night with a child ?

Why cant you sleep with the youngest with a tall dog stair gate

And eldest have a peaceful night sleep alone

And yes you can buy melatonin via chemist direct or Amazon

Or not tell youngest dad is at work , is that possible .

gabsdot45 · 16/11/2021 15:27

Why not do Christmas eve on 23rd instead. explain that Santa sometimes dos this for families where parents have to work etc.
A family I know had Christmas a whole week early once as one of the children was due to go into hospital for surgery on 21st December. Santa came a week early and all was well.