DH Nightshift Christmas Eve

[TwinkleTwinkleSeren]

DH is a nurse and we’ve been preparing ourselves for him having to work on Christmas Day. He’s been lucky enough to have the last few Christmas days off. Just found out that he’s likely to do a night shift on Christmas Eve and honestly I’m gutted. Our youngest son has ASD and whenever DH does nights we have to ship our oldest DS off to a grandparents house for a sleepover as our youngest disturbs his sleep, goes into his room, turns on all the lights, bounces all over him and tries to wrestle him 😂DS (youngest) gets wound up and excited by the oldest. We cope by DH having to sleep in oldests bedroom locked in! Now I have no idea how Christmas Eve would work if I’m alone with the two of them driving each other crazy 😱The solution would be for oldest to stay at his grandmothers house but I’m absolutely gutted to think that I won’t see him wake up and open his stocking etc. It might be his last year of believing in Santa (he’s 9) and this makes me so sad 😭 seeking advice, I don’t want to split them up but might have to for our sanity 😯

@takenforgrantednana
i would say the best solution is for your eldest son to learn to behave in his own bed! start by grand parents coming over to your house and helping you get the to bed, then the time scale lessons down each night , and you will have extra hands around to help out too

It’s the youngest who has ASD and is preventing his older db from sleeping and assaults him throughout the day. The eldest is shipped off to grandparents and has to co-sleep, at 9yo, with dad and grandma because he’s scared of being attacked by his younger brother.

[quote PinkMochi]@takenforgrantednana
i would say the best solution is for your eldest son to learn to behave in his own bed! start by grand parents coming over to your house and helping you get the to bed, then the time scale lessons down each night , and you will have extra hands around to help out too

It’s the youngest who has ASD and is preventing his older db from sleeping and assaults him throughout the day. The eldest is shipped off to grandparents and has to co-sleep, at 9yo, with dad and grandma because he’s scared of being attacked by his younger brother.[/quote]
@PinkMochi then the younger child needs to be taught or restrained, along with the mother needing to be taught how to handle her child on her own! he is nobody elses responsibility, its down to her

I have an autistic child myself so I do sympathise but it sounds absolutely awful and think that even without Christmas this needs to be sorted out!

Your eldest shouldn't have to be locked in to sleep. Surely if your youngest wakes up and tries to get to the eldest anyway you should be locking your door - that way he can't get to outside his sibling's door or be unsupervised in the rest of the house?

How does your eldest get any respite? Could you have a high gate on his door or move the door handle upwards so that your youngest can't reach it? It sounds like a very difficult way to live to be constantly bothered.

For Christmas, what about keeping both boys with you until very late? You could get snuggled up on the sofa and watch Christmas films rather than sending them to bed, then just carry them up when they're asleep or when your DH gets home?

It would be heartbreaking for your eldest to miss Christmas morning because you can't control your youngest's behaviour.

@TheOccupier

Sounds like your oldest needs to learn to stop winding up his little brother when their dad is trying to sleep. What are you doing about that behaviour?

Have you thought that the eldest might be struggling to? He’s 9, what do you want them to do, scold one child but let the other away with it because he is incapable of controlling his impulses? Because all that’s going to do is make the 9yr old resentful

I honestly can’t fathom why your husband would choose a night shift that not only makes your night horrendous or otherwise involves shipping off your eldest and means that he will most likely just want to sleep on Christmas Day rather then celebrate with you and the kids when there was the perfectly viable option of a day shift on Christmas Eve up for grabs instead, all for the sake of not wanting to do a slightly longer shift than normal that in the long run would have made Christmas a whole lot more manageable and not involved your eldest son being kicked out of his home. The mind boggles! Tell him to take the slightly longer but daytime shift on Christmas Eve!

I assume given you co-sleep with the youngest and your husband co-sleeps with the eldest that you only live in a two bed house and the boys were initially intended to share. I would really push for help from the GP with the sleep issue if thats the case because this is just not sustainable and keep palming your eldest son off to his grandparents is not fair on him or them.

@TwinkleTwinkleSeren

Ive an 11yr old as yet undiagnosed stepdaughter (damn the professionals who cant see through her masking and all the genetic links to adhd/asd etc) who sleeps 2-3 hours a night, and an 8yr old stepson who is just hyper and always wanting to play with big sis even at 5am.
A couple of suggestions you could try that im gonna try/have tried;
-Gummy melatonin you can buy online, but without a prescription i would use very occasionally and check the mg needed.
-as a one off/very infrequent low dosage, try phenergan. Can buy over the counter, its used for pre-op, travel sickness, that type of thing but isnt one of the non drowsy ones, but obvs dont say to pharmacist its to make the kids sleep. Mine was bought for 'travelling anxiety' Worked on my 2 when i had just come out of hospital and was really ill and needed more than 2 hours sleep.
-you can get alarm type mats that go by the bed that alarm when he gets out of bed. May shock him after the first couple of times. They use these in nursing homes to alert when residents sneak out of bed.
-you can buy keypad locks cheap online that you can put on elders bedroom door, and make a simple code that elder will remember and not tell youngest. You only have it on the outside so if he needed to get out his room in a hurry, he would just use door handle as normal. This way, elder will feel more like his room is his own special place.
-if its not a long term issue you want help with and its purely the xmas eve situation, how about....surprising them both and do xmas eve as xmas day. Leave them a note from Santa that as Daddy is a hero that helps poorly people over christmas, they are very lucky that they get to have a vist and their presents a WHOLE DAY before other children. When elder goes to grandmother for xmas eve, You could then perhaps give grandmother a small bag of little bits to leave out for elder and a little note saying he has been a wonderful big brother this year and so santa left him a few extra bits at Grandmother's.

I do get alot of people feeling it is unfair to disrupt elders routine and send him away because of his younger brother, but from my experience, they enjoy the quiet special 1 on 1 time. Im lucky that my parents (not even my steps grandparents) alternate having them for sleepovers. But they dont necessary feel abandoned like we expect them too.
Elder may well enjoy a quiet cuddle up on xmas eve with a marshmallowy hot chocolate, knowing santa came early JUST FOR HIM due to daddys job, and have a peaceful sleep. And im sure grandmother would love having a kiddie around xmas.

@TwinkleTwinkleSeren

Thanks, I wouldn’t buy it over the counter, I would definitely get it on prescription from the doctor.

Your community paediatrician would need to prescribe first then could be passed over to the GP following this.

[quote PinkMochi]@takenforgrantednana
i would say the best solution is for your eldest son to learn to behave in his own bed! start by grand parents coming over to your house and helping you get the to bed, then the time scale lessons down each night , and you will have extra hands around to help out too

It’s the youngest who has ASD and is preventing his older db from sleeping and assaults him throughout the day. The eldest is shipped off to grandparents and has to co-sleep, at 9yo, with dad and grandma because he’s scared of being attacked by his younger brother.[/quote]
And op has said upthread that the 9yo does nothing that instigates the 5yos assaults and harassment, just existing is enough for him.

@userisi

Yes, I would worry about him not being able to unlock the door and get out again (DH normally locks it from the inside with them both inside)

That is still dangerous

Why? I suppose if the DH is unconscious... But then don't you look your room if you're in a hotel?

We plan to, I’m up with youngest at 2am/3am most nights. Hopefully looking at getting him on melatonin but he’s only 5

We absolutely can and do prescribe melatonin for this age. ASD is an indication. Not necessarily a magic bullet but worth a try. The paediatric preparation is called Shown to and is licenced from 2yrs.

I've RTT and I feel for you.

What is going on just isn't working.
Your family has become quite dysfunctional.

I would be on the melatonin straight away. How fast do you think you can get some?

How fast can you get the baby gates?

It's mid-November, you have time to work on these issues if you get cracking.

Do you have 2 or 3 bedrooms?

Sylento

Get something to help the bad sleeper sleep, either phenergan or melatonin would do the trick. Have you spoken to your GP about the broken nights?

Is his sleep always like that or is it just when your husband works nights? If it's every night have you tried gp? Melatonin is good for sleep although not all will prescribe it.

Slight detail, but melatonin slow release tablets need to be swallowed while to work properly, and we cannot get our DS to do that. He got one a bit stuck in his throat once, panicked and will not take it without crunching it now. We’ve tried teaching him the technique, putting it in banana, yoghurt, ice cream, smoothies, all sorts of stuff and he finds it and crunches every time. It gets him to sleep at bedtime but he’s awake and getting in our bed every night by 1am. So yeah, melatonin may not be the magic bullet you’re looking for, but it’s worth a try!

Slight derail (stupid auto correct)

So have Christmas on Christmas Eve instead. Kids won’t realise.

This lifestyle all sounds very chaotic
I have a (just turned) 6 year old with adhd who actually sounds very similar to your DS - if left to his own devices! However we spend every last second of our patience and energy giving him what he needs to make sure everyone in the house has a quality of life sounds like you’re not that bothered, the laughing faces, the ‘we might look at melatonin’ ‘we maybe might try a weighted blanket’ ‘we’ve briefly thought about a stair gate’ - what exactly are you doing to help your child with his additional needs??
Sounds like the whole house just tiptoes around the 5 year old to the extent of the 9 year old not even being able to sleep there when it doesn’t suit!
Honestly - Xmas is the least of your problems!

I'd have to be half dead before I phoned in sick on Christmas Eve, and I think most other nurses would feel the same loyalty.

@HeartsAndClubs

Christmas is a red herring.

The way you’re living at the moment is unacceptable. I understand the issues you have because of your child’s ASD but look at it from your older child’s perspective. When he grows into an adult he’ll be one of those adults talking about how his childhood was destroyed by a disabled sibling. How he was always shipped off to the grandparents on nights when his dad was working, and on nights when he wasn’t was locked in his room, from the inside.

Seriously I can imagine that if he repeated any of this at school the safeguarding lead would have no option but to report to social services.

You need to seek some serious professional help, yesterday, to get this sorted. Because the way things are now is abusive to your older child. Sorry but it is.

What a completely ridiculous uneducated thing to say. The safeguards that this family have put in place are to protect the family including the older child.

There is minimal support out there for families with children with ASD.

You have no idea how difficult it is!

Tell him to take the slightly longer but daytime shift on Christmas Eve!

No one will want to swap their Christmas Eve day for the night. Christmas Eve day isn’t a key shift.

@ipswichwitch

Slight detail, but melatonin slow release tablets need to be swallowed while to work properly, and we cannot get our DS to do that. He got one a bit stuck in his throat once, panicked and will not take it without crunching it now. We’ve tried teaching him the technique, putting it in banana, yoghurt, ice cream, smoothies, all sorts of stuff and he finds it and crunches every time. It gets him to sleep at bedtime but he’s awake and getting in our bed every night by 1am. So yeah, melatonin may not be the magic bullet you’re looking for, but it’s worth a try!

I don't agree. I've used half tablets personally and it works. Maybe ours aren't slow release.

My ds is asd & was prescribed melatonin, it worked for about a month & then stopped working even after the dose was increased, his consultant put him on Phenergan just for a month to reset his sleep cycle. You can buy phenergan at the pharmacy, just don't say you are buying it for sleep, tell them it is for night time itching.

@DukkaDukka it may not be a key shift but he was given the option, he chose the night over the day because its a shorter shift even though it puts significantly more strain on his family, there would not have been a need for a swap if he had given any thought to family logistics before choosing and there still may not be a need to if the slots are not yet filled or set in stone thus allowing him to still change his mind, I don’t know how their rota is worked out and when it is finalised. You don’t know for sure no one would swap either, he could at least try to rectify his poor decision making.

@wellhellohi well I know exactly how difficult it is, and I completely agree with @HeartsAndClubs. You can't leave one of your children being constantly attacked, unable to sleep alone at 9 and sent off to his grandma's because his parents can't keep him safe.

If that's your situation you need to be really proactive about fixing it, and it's very apparent that OP hasn't tried much of anything. The only reason she's seeking any advice is because it's going to affect her Christmas morning.