DH Nightshift Christmas Eve

[TwinkleTwinkleSeren]

DH is a nurse and we’ve been preparing ourselves for him having to work on Christmas Day. He’s been lucky enough to have the last few Christmas days off. Just found out that he’s likely to do a night shift on Christmas Eve and honestly I’m gutted. Our youngest son has ASD and whenever DH does nights we have to ship our oldest DS off to a grandparents house for a sleepover as our youngest disturbs his sleep, goes into his room, turns on all the lights, bounces all over him and tries to wrestle him 😂DS (youngest) gets wound up and excited by the oldest. We cope by DH having to sleep in oldests bedroom locked in! Now I have no idea how Christmas Eve would work if I’m alone with the two of them driving each other crazy 😱The solution would be for oldest to stay at his grandmothers house but I’m absolutely gutted to think that I won’t see him wake up and open his stocking etc. It might be his last year of believing in Santa (he’s 9) and this makes me so sad 😭 seeking advice, I don’t want to split them up but might have to for our sanity 😯

I will say it again OP, as a rare person who has read the OP and your updates, YOU ARE DOING AN AMAZING JOB under really, really difficult circumstances. Your older son sounds like he has a very mature, loving and understanding character, no doubt that's from you and DH. You are asking for advice on Christmas Eve, you are getting it on your whole family life on situations that PPs have not lived. No judgement here, just sympathy and awe at your amazing attitude. Don't let this thread cast shade on your approach. I think you are an inspiration.

I certainly do not think your eldest's childhood is being destroyed but I do think your solution to the sleep problems of your youngest are odd. If you are coslerping with him, can you not lock your bedroom door so he cant wander?

@callmeadoctor

How about the youngest staying at grandmothers instead ( seems a shame for it always to be your eldest)

And the child disrupt and disturb the grandmother so she can't sleep instead, when she's already doing them massive favours?

That's a sure fire way to ruin a relationship.

I assume your under a peadiatrican? You need to get an urgent appointment with them and ask for melatonin and a referal to a sleep specialist who can help you find a routine that works for the whole family.

And as for the suggestion of calling in sick, I am sure he won’t, but as the daughter of a nurse I had too many christmases where he ended up working a double shift because someone decided to call in sick.

This is so weird. Do you only have 2 bedrooms? Why is your DH who works nights co-sleeping with a neurotypical 9yo? By 9, children need a bit of privacy and their own space.

Honestly you sound like one of those hippie gentle-parenting families who don't give their children any sort of structure or routine, think they're being wonderfully unconventional and raising creative free spirits, and then wonder why 10 years into their "gentle parenting journey", they are on their knees with chaos, exhaustion and trying to manage bad behaviour.

@Sirzy

And as for the suggestion of calling in sick, I am sure he won’t, but as the daughter of a nurse I had too many christmases where he ended up working a double shift because someone decided to call in sick.

Yes. The utter selfishness of that suggestion. The OP has a tough situation, but at least her DC are healthy. Her DH's colleagues may have children with life-limiting illnesses, a dying parent, or any number of family situations that mean that this Christmas is incredibly precious to them. The OP's DH calling in sick might mean one of them missing Christmas. At the very best, it's going to mean a day of hell for his short-staffed colleagues.

(Not having a go at you, OP - I know it wasn't you suggesting he takes the day off).

The oldest loves going to his grans and being spoiled there, does no one RTFT these days?

Op, you need to see the gp.

Good luck

@Gardeningtipsneeded

Tell you husband to call in sick, or take carers leave. You need childcare when he works nights and you can’t get childcare on Christmas Eve/day.

Honestly, as I get older I realise work is just work. It’a really really not worth any level of sacrifice for your family except so far as to get paid. Assuming he has a good attendance record, just tell him to get a cough and a temp on Xmas eve and call in. His children are young and it’s Christmas.

I’m in a nurse adjacent profession and have worked Xmas, including with young children, for many years, and in this situation I would have called in.

That's terrible advice from @Gardeningtipsneeded !

How irresponsible to encourage a nurse to call in sick on Christmas Eve

Risk your job if your found out, let down your patients, and screw up someone else's Christmas if they get called in (with zero warning) to cover for him?!

@TheOccupier

This is so weird. Do you only have 2 bedrooms? Why is your DH who works nights co-sleeping with a neurotypical 9yo? By 9, children need a bit of privacy and their own space.

Honestly you sound like one of those hippie gentle-parenting families who don't give their children any sort of structure or routine, think they're being wonderfully unconventional and raising creative free spirits, and then wonder why 10 years into their "gentle parenting journey", they are on their knees with chaos, exhaustion and trying to manage bad behaviour.

FFS have you read any of the OP's posts?

I know. The horror of only 2 bedrooms

If you are happy locking the child in his room with your husband why don't you just lock him in the room without your husband?

Not an option to call in sick. He’s the manager and he has had the last two Christmas Days off.

Can't the oldest lock his door from the inside for 1 night?

Don't think only 2 rooms as op says youngest 'goes into his room' re the wrestling and waking up?

I have what sounds like a very similar boy, with ASD and learning disabilities who is 7. He cannot be left unattended, especially in a bedroom, because he will attempt to climb and pull down the furniture and wakes frequently at night to attempt this (which is our biggest concern).

The saving grace in our lives is his Safespace bed. Have you considered one? They’re expensive, but you can usually get help from charities (Newlife is one) or occasionally find a 2nd hand one on eBay.

I cannot stress just how much it’s changed our lives, my son still wakes at night, but at least now we know he is in a safe place and isn’t running around doing dangerous things or waking his siblings up and we’re getting quality sleep knowing that he’s safe until he wakes.

I read the OP's posts yes. She hasn't mentioned how many bedrooms there are. And 2 bedrooms is fine for a family with 2 boys under 10 if the kids share, but it is not appropriate for an adult who works shifts to share with a 9yo.

Ah but remember op says they cosleep with youngest, could it be that? He's jealous and wants his own room?

@silverbubbles

If you are happy locking the child in his room with your husband why don't you just lock him in the room without your husband?

Presumably because the husband can unlock the door in an emergency/in the morning/if they need the toilet and DS can't

Why don’t you put a lock on your door and lock yourself and the youngest in your room?

Is there a bedroom for the youngest to have his own? For future safe beds etc.

How long is the shift and what time will he get home? I think I would choose to stay up if possible, open the presents and then sneak off for a sleep. He might only get a few hours and need sugar/caffeine but it's just one day.

I work nights but it depends if he can stay up for an hour or two.

@girlmom21

Kids are going to be excitable on Christmas Eve anyway. Keep him at home. Have a picky tea, go for a winter walk and watch Christmas movies with hot chocolate.

If they don't sleep it's fine. It's Christmas.

I don't understand why it'd be any different if DH was there though, to be honest. I don't understand why your poor DS gets shipped off constantly and why you can't just teach your youngest how to behave.

Can we just go with the assumption that if the op has managed to 'teach one of her kids to behave' then the other kid's behaviour is a symptom of his aforementioned special need which the op is working to resolve. I'm not sure why you thought the last part of your comment was particularly helpful unless you genuinely believe the op taught one kid to behave but then hadn't considered teaching the other one.

The naivety of posters stating that OP should seek professional help, like she won't have tried that. The reality is there is no professional help for children with Violent and Challenging behaviour. Social services have nothing to offer, CAMHS are not fit for purpose.

If you've not tried melatonin, it can be a game changer. It doesn't solve everything, but at least everyone gets some sleep.

Solidarity to you OP, I have two Autistic children who trigger each other constantly, get physical with each other, and us. Noone will help us.

Is there no way you can prevent your 5yo from getting to his brother's room, if he's with you?

@DoctorWhoTardis

How do you know those who are offering advice, don't have kids who have autism? mine does along with learning difficulties and adhd. I still wouldn't ship one of my kids off on Christmas Eve. It's not a Long term solution.

I'm guessing it's the "just tell him to behave" comments