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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH Nightshift Christmas Eve

288 replies

TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 16/11/2021 07:01

DH is a nurse and we’ve been preparing ourselves for him having to work on Christmas Day. He’s been lucky enough to have the last few Christmas days off. Just found out that he’s likely to do a night shift on Christmas Eve and honestly I’m gutted. Our youngest son has ASD and whenever DH does nights we have to ship our oldest DS off to a grandparents house for a sleepover as our youngest disturbs his sleep, goes into his room, turns on all the lights, bounces all over him and tries to wrestle him 😂DS (youngest) gets wound up and excited by the oldest. We cope by DH having to sleep in oldests bedroom locked in! Now I have no idea how Christmas Eve would work if I’m alone with the two of them driving each other crazy 😱The solution would be for oldest to stay at his grandmothers house but I’m absolutely gutted to think that I won’t see him wake up and open his stocking etc. It might be his last year of believing in Santa (he’s 9) and this makes me so sad 😭 seeking advice, I don’t want to split them up but might have to for our sanity 😯

OP posts:
YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 16/11/2021 08:14

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LabStan · 16/11/2021 08:20

Mum of two DS with ASD at opposite ends of the spectrum. We also have 1 DD.
The morning in our house is we have 3 kids not 1.
Although we have to adapt and change things...main routines...like sleep should be routines that suit everyone. It takes lots of time and frustrations. Our kids are 14 HF ASD, 12 Severe disabilities and ASD, and DD is NT.
We used a high sided dog gate rather than a baby gate on DS 12 door so he couldn't leave the room. Usual routines with all 3 were bath, book bed.....even if they don't listen to the book, we did audio book. We would stay until asleep but then leave so the child always wakes alone. Then as they got older we would say "back in a minute" and go back....then lengthen the time but don't tell them that !!!
Routine is your key and clear boundaries.
Both our children require medication to sleep but they do not stay asleep. Our severe boy has a high sided bed...we used to get up to him and sit up with him...but in nearly killed us...so after many years we just throw him his ipad and he watches utter shite until the morning. We havexsn epilepsy sensor and video camera in his room.
Honestly you need to move forward soon, otherwise you'll have a 15 year old in your bed and not know how to change this pattern.
Good luck ...as for Christmas...let older one sleep in your bed and you sleep in locked room with younger DS.

altiara · 16/11/2021 08:21

So when DH and DS1 are locked in DS1’s bedroom, what does DS2 do? Is he still running about the place trying to get into his brothers bedroom? What do you do to stop it?

HeartsAndClubs · 16/11/2021 08:21

Christmas is a red herring.

The way you’re living at the moment is unacceptable. I understand the issues you have because of your child’s ASD but look at it from your older child’s perspective. When he grows into an adult he’ll be one of those adults talking about how his childhood was destroyed by a disabled sibling. How he was always shipped off to the grandparents on nights when his dad was working, and on nights when he wasn’t was locked in his room, from the inside.

Seriously I can imagine that if he repeated any of this at school the safeguarding lead would have no option but to report to social services.

You need to seek some serious professional help, yesterday, to get this sorted. Because the way things are now is abusive to your older child. Sorry but it is.

C8H10N4O2 · 16/11/2021 08:22

@phonetica

I’m guessing a lot of these replies don’t have an autistic child
Or the ability to read even the OP's posts apparently.
MichelleScarn · 16/11/2021 08:22

@Icebreaker99

Have you asked your eldest what they would prefer to do? At 9 they should be able to make the decision, and perhaps they would prefer a fun, peaceful evening with grandma where the focus is on them for a change. I'm sure grandma can put out the stocking etc. You might be "gutted" but doesn't mean your child will.
Would eldest feel they could answer honestly and their wishes would be taken into account? How would question be posed, as by even offering would they maybe feel they had to agree to the shipping off?
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/11/2021 08:27

Surely they'll both be bouncing all over the place on Christmas Eve anyway?

You say you've been lucky enough that DH has had the past few Chistmasses off. Sorry, but you're going to have to suck this one up. How does oldest DS feel about being 'shipped off'? Probably makes him feel less of a priority to be honest.

You really need to find better coping strategies for youngest when DH is on nights. Could you speak to GP or health advisor?

Back · 16/11/2021 08:33

My asd boy used to be similar at that age. Honestly he could wake from 11pm and keep going until 5am followed by a quick 1 hour power nap to get him through the school day.
We used melatonin from age 5, we had a year where the melatonin stopped working so the paed prescribed another med. My son is now 13 and needs no meds at all to sleep and sleeps through the night every night.
Your son needs some help to calm his sensory system as he's not able to do so by himself. This level of sleeplessness is not sustainable for the entire family. Please seek help from a paed.

Sally872 · 16/11/2021 08:33

Move Christmas eve I have a few friends who have done it as working in hospitals.

Oldest won't mind as long as its earlier nor later, youngest probably won't notice. Reason my friend gave was Santa is coming early for some children if their parents are having to work Christmas.

Also a lock on your bedroom door too high for youngest to reach may also help so he can't get out of your room.

Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 16/11/2021 08:37

I appreciate your input however our oldests childhood has certainly not been “destroyed” by having a disabled sibling. He loves co-sleeping with his dad and they have a very strong bond as a result. As for being “shipped off” to a grandparents house, it’s rare that DH works a night shift, and when he does DH(oldest) loves staying the night with his grandmother, he’s pampered, has treats and has a lovely time. Having a ASD sibling has made our oldest a very kind, understanding, tolerant little boy. We are extremely proud of him and he really adores his brother. It is difficult of course and his upbringing is different to his friends but certainly not “destroyed”.

OP posts:
Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 16/11/2021 08:38

Sorry, forgot to quote, that was aimed at “heartsandclubs”

OP posts:
Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 16/11/2021 08:41

Nothing is decided yet, the rota will be out this week, just preparing for the worst! He would in all honestly pick his granny’s as he’s spoilt rotten there 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 16/11/2021 08:41

I would of course ask him first what he wants to do x

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 16/11/2021 08:44

our youngest disturbs his sleep, goes into his room, turns on all the lights, bounces all over him and tries to wrestle him🤣
But do you laugh and think its hilarious when youngest does this, as that's what I think most have inferred from your above post?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/11/2021 08:45

Can you possibly call a different day Christmas? Will they know?

I understand it’s gutting for you. I won’t see my kids wake up Christmas morning and open stockings as they’re with their father this year. Different reasons to yours, but result is similar.

I think you should do whatever keeps dc calmest and happiest and not worry too much.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 16/11/2021 08:45

If you co-sleep with the youngest, can't you lock yourself (and him) in? A door chain placed fairly high up would do the job, and still allow your oldest DS to open the door a little, to call for you in an emergency.

Peaseblossum22 · 16/11/2021 08:46

Could grandmother come to stay with you instead?

IDontDrinkTea · 16/11/2021 08:48

@Gardeningtipsneeded

Tell you husband to call in sick, or take carers leave. You need childcare when he works nights and you can’t get childcare on Christmas Eve/day.

Honestly, as I get older I realise work is just work. It’a really really not worth any level of sacrifice for your family except so far as to get paid. Assuming he has a good attendance record, just tell him to get a cough and a temp on Xmas eve and call in. His children are young and it’s Christmas.

I’m in a nurse adjacent profession and have worked Xmas, including with young children, for many years, and in this situation I would have called in.

I’m NHS and I deal with all staff sickness in my department. We have the lowest level of sickness ever at Christmas, no one calls in sick unless they’re literally on deaths door. Your view is incredibly selfish and would not go down well in any team
blackteaplease · 16/11/2021 08:49

Your elder son is 9, when he reaches puberty he will likely want his own space, not sharing with his dad. This is not a long term solution for your family.

If you are co-sleeping with your younger son who has ASD that must be tough. How much sleep does he get and how does he get out of the room to "seek out" his brother.

I hope that Melatonin works for you, but you clearly need other solutions in the meantime. I hope you find one that works for you for Christmas.

cookiemonster2468 · 16/11/2021 08:50

@Gardeningtipsneeded

Tell you husband to call in sick, or take carers leave. You need childcare when he works nights and you can’t get childcare on Christmas Eve/day.

Honestly, as I get older I realise work is just work. It’a really really not worth any level of sacrifice for your family except so far as to get paid. Assuming he has a good attendance record, just tell him to get a cough and a temp on Xmas eve and call in. His children are young and it’s Christmas.

I’m in a nurse adjacent profession and have worked Xmas, including with young children, for many years, and in this situation I would have called in.

"Work is just work" for some people and that's fine, but when you choose to be a nurse it is actually people's lives and health you are playing around with.

It would be really irresponsible to call in sick at the last minute in his profession.

user1471598758 · 16/11/2021 08:50

I would either lock myself in with the youngest, leaving eldest to sleep in peace, or if your eldest is as tolerant as you say he is, then just let events unfold. Get the earliest night in for yourself that you can, then surely once youngest wakes up and disturbs eldest it wakes you up too? At that point I’d just remove youngest and stay awake for the rest of the night myself supervising him so eldest can get a couple more hours. I’d stay up myself all night and forgo sleep before I sent one of my children away on Christmas Eve.

user290814356289 · 16/11/2021 08:51

There are children who are on melatonin from age 2 for not sleeping so please speak to paediatrician about a prescription.

cookiemonster2468 · 16/11/2021 08:53

@DiamondBright

I would just say that as a child who's life was constantly restricted to accommodate a sibling's behaviour, different circumstances but this resonates, I would say you need to get some help so your eldest isn't being shipped off or locked in with a parent to accommodate for the behaviour (autism related or otherwise) of his sibling. I appreciate that siblings of dc with additional needs will always be impacted but sanctioning them as the easiest option (to avoid having to manage the youngest in the night, which I get is tiring) isn't acceptable.

I would seek professional advice and support the current arrangement isn't sustainable, short term a lock on your door sounds the easiest solution.

Just my view based on my own experience.

This is very good advice and true.

It's understandable the way you are coping with the situation but not very sustainable.

However you won't resolve it before Christmas so you still have this dilemma.

Is there any way that Santa could help out? They need to stay in their bedrooms so Santa can come and they can get their presents when they wake up, etc? Yes it's basically bribery but it's a one off.

callmeadoctor · 16/11/2021 08:53

How about the youngest staying at grandmothers instead ( seems a shame for it always to be your eldest)

Sorehandsandfeet · 16/11/2021 08:54

Hi there,
This sounds completely unsustainable IMHO. I have 2 children with ASD, my youngest is 5 and began melatonin around 3, so definitely worth requesting. Also, have you thought of a tall stair gate for your youngest's bedroom door? One he can't open or is difficult to climb. I do feel for your eldest being shipped off because of his brothers behaviour, it cannot be good for his self esteem, please don't do it at Christmas. I think you need to really work on your routines and your youngest's behaviour, do you have any support from asd services?