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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH Nightshift Christmas Eve

288 replies

TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 16/11/2021 07:01

DH is a nurse and we’ve been preparing ourselves for him having to work on Christmas Day. He’s been lucky enough to have the last few Christmas days off. Just found out that he’s likely to do a night shift on Christmas Eve and honestly I’m gutted. Our youngest son has ASD and whenever DH does nights we have to ship our oldest DS off to a grandparents house for a sleepover as our youngest disturbs his sleep, goes into his room, turns on all the lights, bounces all over him and tries to wrestle him 😂DS (youngest) gets wound up and excited by the oldest. We cope by DH having to sleep in oldests bedroom locked in! Now I have no idea how Christmas Eve would work if I’m alone with the two of them driving each other crazy 😱The solution would be for oldest to stay at his grandmothers house but I’m absolutely gutted to think that I won’t see him wake up and open his stocking etc. It might be his last year of believing in Santa (he’s 9) and this makes me so sad 😭 seeking advice, I don’t want to split them up but might have to for our sanity 😯

OP posts:
Ricetwisty · 16/11/2021 07:50

@Gardeningtipsneeded

Tell you husband to call in sick, or take carers leave. You need childcare when he works nights and you can’t get childcare on Christmas Eve/day.

Honestly, as I get older I realise work is just work. It’a really really not worth any level of sacrifice for your family except so far as to get paid. Assuming he has a good attendance record, just tell him to get a cough and a temp on Xmas eve and call in. His children are young and it’s Christmas.

I’m in a nurse adjacent profession and have worked Xmas, including with young children, for many years, and in this situation I would have called in.

Let's hope not everyone with young children does that, hey!
Bagamoyo1 · 16/11/2021 07:51

I’m confused. Is it the the younger one with ASD? Can’t you sleep in with him, and stop him getting up in the night. Meanwhile older one sleeps on his own in unlocked room. Why does the older one need a parent locked in with him?

TheCheesyBakedBean · 16/11/2021 07:52

I think the Christmas Day shift would be better if he can swap to that?
Another option would be to have Christmas on a different day. He has Boxing Day off, does he also have the 27th off? You could move it all over by a day. I know for some people it's really important to have it on the day, but that's what we do in my family is just move things to a different day if we can't do it due to work patterns

DoctorWhoTardis · 16/11/2021 07:52

My eldest doesn't sleep, he annoys my youngest.. I just sit upstairs and put a stop to it immediately. I couldn't imagine shipping one DC off all the time espically on Christmas Eve.
Why can't you do the same? I don't understand.

Bagamoyo1 · 16/11/2021 07:53

@Gardeningtipsneeded

Tell you husband to call in sick, or take carers leave. You need childcare when he works nights and you can’t get childcare on Christmas Eve/day.

Honestly, as I get older I realise work is just work. It’a really really not worth any level of sacrifice for your family except so far as to get paid. Assuming he has a good attendance record, just tell him to get a cough and a temp on Xmas eve and call in. His children are young and it’s Christmas.

I’m in a nurse adjacent profession and have worked Xmas, including with young children, for many years, and in this situation I would have called in.

Jesus Christ , words fail me.
MichelleScarn · 16/11/2021 07:53

So your eldest gets the choice of constantly being 'shipped off' to grandparents
Locked in his bedroom and having to cosleep with his dad
Being physically harassed and wrestled by his brother and your response to all this is the 🤣🤣 emoji?

starrynight21 · 16/11/2021 07:53

Celebrate Christmas Day on the 24th ? Or some other day to suit ? Little kids really don't know what the date is, just arrange things to suit yourselves.

PingedPotato · 16/11/2021 07:54

Tell you husband to call in sick, or take carers leave. You need childcare when he works nights and you can’t get childcare on Christmas Eve/day.

This is appalling advice. They were given a choice of shifts and chose one.

SilenceOfThePrams · 16/11/2021 07:54

Think the posters suggesting your youngest needs to learn how to behave have missed the whole ASD bit! I wish it were as simple as that and I bet the OP does too.

You have my greatest sympathy, sounds like a really difficult situation anyway let alone on Christmas Eve.

Longer term, I wonder if your youngest might appreciate some kind of sleep safe bed? www.safespaces.co.uk/ This kind of thing, or there are versions which are like a strong tent fitted over a regular bed. Some autistic children (and adults) find that a fully enclosed space with very defined boundaries helps to improve sleep. I don’t know if you have an occupational therapist at all, but they can advise.

Also, Cerebra have a sleep clinic and are very helpful, Caudwell children’s charity and NewLife may also be able to help. Because what you’re having to do at the moment sounds completely unsustainable in the longer term.

BluebellsGreenbells · 16/11/2021 07:56

Why not put the sleeper in your bed?

Then deal with the non sleeper? You go in his room?

DoctorWhoTardis · 16/11/2021 07:57

How do you know those who are offering advice, don't have kids who have autism? Hmm mine does along with learning difficulties and adhd. I still wouldn't ship one of my kids off on Christmas Eve. It's not a Long term solution.

HalloHello · 16/11/2021 07:58

I would make Christmas Day, Christmas Eve, then Boxing Day, Christmas Day? Then sleep with youngest in locked room (not great) while husband works?

girlmom21 · 16/11/2021 07:58

Think the posters suggesting your youngest needs to learn how to behave have missed the whole ASD bit! I wish it were as simple as that and I bet the OP does too.

Nobody's missed that but, I'm sorry, she's got two children.
You can't just repeatedly make one leave his home and neglect him because the other has additional needs.
It doesn't sound like the younger child has severe ASD to the point she can't cope with the two of them alone. She was fine with DH working Christmas Day, which suggests that she could manage them on a nighttime too.

Yes it might be tiring but she needs to intercept any physicality and not allow DS2 to disturb DS1.

girlmom21 · 16/11/2021 07:59

@HalloHello

I would make Christmas Day, Christmas Eve, then Boxing Day, Christmas Day? Then sleep with youngest in locked room (not great) while husband works?
Boxing Day is a kids birthday. She's already said that.
DukkaDukka · 16/11/2021 08:01

Melatonin has been a game changer in our house so it’s worth trying if you are able.

I would send your eldest for a sleepover and get DH to collect him on the way home.

Strawbales · 16/11/2021 08:02

@phonetica

I’m guessing a lot of these replies don’t have an autistic child
There is absolutely nothing in the many variations and descriptors of ASD that include going into another child’s bedroom in the middle of the night and wrestling.

There are behaviours that are poor caused by autism but children with autism also sometimes do behave poorly and I do think that’s the case here.

Ricetwisty · 16/11/2021 08:05

@phonetica

I’m guessing a lot of these replies don’t have an autistic child
They probably do, or perhaps they grew up with a sibling they had to fit their lives around because it was easier. There are 2 children in this scenario, both are important, but sending one off to the grandparents Christmas eve without considering other options because it's no doubt the easy one is unfair.
CalamariGames · 16/11/2021 08:06

I agree with posters saying you need to get things sorted out better with your youngest but it may take some time to find a really good solution. So you may need to stick to your current arrangements in the meantime, it does sound like the GM is a very kind person to look after eldest so often and maybe she would enjoy doing his stocking this year, so it might be a nice way to include her in Christmas after all she has done to help. Your DS is sure to look forward to getting home after his sleepover and opening his presents so it will still be nice when he gets home.

icedcoffees · 16/11/2021 08:06

@phonetica

I’m guessing a lot of these replies don’t have an autistic child
How do you know that?

But even so, OP has two children and it's not sustainable long term to ship the older one off to his grandparents on a regular basis. It's not fair on anyone and could cause real issues long-term when he realises he's being sent elsewhere because his parents can't cope with his little brothers' behaviour.

DiamondBright · 16/11/2021 08:06

I would just say that as a child who's life was constantly restricted to accommodate a sibling's behaviour, different circumstances but this resonates, I would say you need to get some help so your eldest isn't being shipped off or locked in with a parent to accommodate for the behaviour (autism related or otherwise) of his sibling. I appreciate that siblings of dc with additional needs will always be impacted but sanctioning them as the easiest option (to avoid having to manage the youngest in the night, which I get is tiring) isn't acceptable.

I would seek professional advice and support the current arrangement isn't sustainable, short term a lock on your door sounds the easiest solution.

Just my view based on my own experience.

FetchezLaVache · 16/11/2021 08:07

@AttaGirrrrl

Christmas is a red herring here. The priority needs to be to get your DS’s sleep sorted. He, and you, must be exhausted. Go back to whoever diagnosed the ASD and explain what your nights look like. Melatonin has completely changed our lives.
Yes, yes, yes to this! My DS was diagnosed at 5. I had to push for the melatonin (GPs can't prescribe it, only the paed), but it has likewise changed our lives.
EverdeRose · 16/11/2021 08:08

He's been very lucky to have Xmas off so many years in a row.
He had the choice of swapping swapping to a long day but you didn't want that either. Of have him work boxing day.

It's one night. You need to suck it up. If your 5 year old is in bed with you, you need to stop him disturbing your 9 year old. Why aren't you two locked in if that's what it takes.

Icebreaker99 · 16/11/2021 08:10

Have you asked your eldest what they would prefer to do? At 9 they should be able to make the decision, and perhaps they would prefer a fun, peaceful evening with grandma where the focus is on them for a change. I'm sure grandma can put out the stocking etc. You might be "gutted" but doesn't mean your child will.

RockallMalinHebrides · 16/11/2021 08:12

@Gardeningtipsneeded

Tell you husband to call in sick, or take carers leave. You need childcare when he works nights and you can’t get childcare on Christmas Eve/day.

Honestly, as I get older I realise work is just work. It’a really really not worth any level of sacrifice for your family except so far as to get paid. Assuming he has a good attendance record, just tell him to get a cough and a temp on Xmas eve and call in. His children are young and it’s Christmas.

I’m in a nurse adjacent profession and have worked Xmas, including with young children, for many years, and in this situation I would have called in.

You can't call in sick for this - what a stupid suggestion.
Tiredalwaystired · 16/11/2021 08:13

Could Santa drop a mini stocking at grandparents and one at home too?

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