DH Nightshift Christmas Eve

[TwinkleTwinkleSeren]

DH is a nurse and we’ve been preparing ourselves for him having to work on Christmas Day. He’s been lucky enough to have the last few Christmas days off. Just found out that he’s likely to do a night shift on Christmas Eve and honestly I’m gutted. Our youngest son has ASD and whenever DH does nights we have to ship our oldest DS off to a grandparents house for a sleepover as our youngest disturbs his sleep, goes into his room, turns on all the lights, bounces all over him and tries to wrestle him 😂DS (youngest) gets wound up and excited by the oldest. We cope by DH having to sleep in oldests bedroom locked in! Now I have no idea how Christmas Eve would work if I’m alone with the two of them driving each other crazy 😱The solution would be for oldest to stay at his grandmothers house but I’m absolutely gutted to think that I won’t see him wake up and open his stocking etc. It might be his last year of believing in Santa (he’s 9) and this makes me so sad 😭 seeking advice, I don’t want to split them up but might have to for our sanity 😯

Can we just go with the assumption that if the op has managed to 'teach one of her kids to behave' then the other kid's behaviour is a symptom of his aforementioned special need which the op is working to resolve. I'm not sure why you thought the last part of your comment was particularly helpful unless you genuinely believe the op taught one kid to behave but then hadn't considered teaching the other one.

But that isn't the case. The OP says "DS (youngest) gets wound up and excited by the oldest". A neurotypical 9yo should know better than to mess about and wind up his younger brother when a parent is trying to sleep after a night shift!

@ohfook some parents, and I'm not saying this is the case with the OP but I have first hand experience of it, choose to use their child's autism as an excuse to behave in a certain way and don't treat them like they would an NT child

@Gardeningtipsneeded

Tell you husband to call in sick, or take carers leave. You need childcare when he works nights and you can’t get childcare on Christmas Eve/day.

Honestly, as I get older I realise work is just work. It’a really really not worth any level of sacrifice for your family except so far as to get paid. Assuming he has a good attendance record, just tell him to get a cough and a temp on Xmas eve and call in. His children are young and it’s Christmas.

I’m in a nurse adjacent profession and have worked Xmas, including with young children, for many years, and in this situation I would have called in.

People like you, who do this, are the reason the rest of us have to put up with attendance monitoring procedures. People who 'just call in sick' when they aren't, cost NHS and other employers multi-millions a year. The financial costs of it are passed on to taxpayers and customers. The physical and emotional costs ie stress, are passed onto colleagues.

@ColdAsIceCubes

I have what sounds like a very similar boy, with ASD and learning disabilities who is 7. He cannot be left unattended, especially in a bedroom, because he will attempt to climb and pull down the furniture and wakes frequently at night to attempt this (which is our biggest concern).

The saving grace in our lives is his Safespace bed. Have you considered one? They’re expensive, but you can usually get help from charities (Newlife is one) or occasionally find a 2nd hand one on eBay.

I cannot stress just how much it’s changed our lives, my son still wakes at night, but at least now we know he is in a safe place and isn’t running around doing dangerous things or waking his siblings up and we’re getting quality sleep knowing that he’s safe until he wakes.

I was thinking a safe bed too.
Different reasons (and different type of safe bed) but we had one for our disabled ds when he was younger.

How does the 5 year old get out if he is in with you? Surely you having a lock would be sensible like DH and 9 year old do, which means he cant get to his brother?

So you have one glaring issue. Christmas and night shift aside I mean this in the kindest way that you’re going to have to get tough and combine in a united front.
1- speak to the gp or doctor immediately

As a mum with two older ASD/ADHD siblings I remember the constant physicality of separating - divide and rule - me and DH did anything we could to survive. So I get it.

Now you might be a hippie mum or not
Either way you need to try something different
I think the shipping the older one off needs to stop. You need to deal with the 5 years olds behaviour even if you parent differently because of his ASD it doesn’t mean that you cannot implement consistent and firm
behaviour management.

I’m not saying shouting or anything like that but clear simple
No we’re not doing that tonight
It’s bedtime
We don’t play at bedtime
The younger needs to see- even if he can’t understand - that as a family you work together and he needs to help as well as mummy daddy and sibling are tired.

1. Bedtime routine in his room or bed: minute he gets up walk him back to bed.

Wants to run- a simple - No it’s bedtime He wants to scream cry, kick off - walk him back it’s bedtime. KEEP REPEATING -

Running to the door to
Open it - deflect and walk or carry back.

It is exhausting/ soul destroying but the consistency will help

If he stays even for 5 minutes - praise reward hell set up a nighttime sticker chart.

He has learnt that bedtime is fun time that’s not an option.

I remember doing this for 3 hours the first night
No it’s bedtime.
No we’re not playing
No you cannot disturb your sister

Etc you get the message because at the moment the 5 year old is running riot and yes he has ASD and yes it affects the whole family, you parent differently but you can still manage their disability to give you some family peace

Oh 🙈 sorry that was long

Oh and the 9 year old if he has no SN needs to stop winding him up.

Have it now with the ASD 10 year old winding the younger sister now! Have to physically touch her shoulders and move out of her sisters room . Bed now!
No its bed now!!

So I get it

Ds1 use to be the same. He liked to run in his younger siblings, switch the lights on and generally be noisy when they’d be sleeping. We co-sleep now and I lock our bedroom door so he doesn’t run out.

He’s 5 and I’m looking at speaking to my GP about prescribing him Melatonin. Haven spoken to other parents 5 is not too young to get them started on it.

@lala21

Oh 🙈 sorry that was long

Lol 😂 It’s ok. Thank you for the advice, our oldest (9 year old( we suspect has adhd so makes things more complex, they wind each other up terrible! 5 year old play fights but doesn’t know his own strength. He’s extremely strong and very big/stocky. He “play kicks”rolls on top of the oldest. I’ve had to physically restrain (gently)the youngest to prevent him hurting our oldest. Seeking advice soon from a special Heath visitor and hoping for a Carers assessment. We’ve always co-slept as a family, mainly as they both slept better that way, not for hippy reasons lol. Might see about a way of youngest sleeping in his own bed again but having some sort of gate or something to prevent the night time wandering.

Your older DS and your DH when working nights need a safe zone within the house. Your youngest may have ASD but it sounds like he's ruling the house with terror.

You can get "dog gates" which are taller versions of child safety gates. One at the top and bottom of the stairs may well give you all a safe space? A 9 year old should be able to reach the catch.

The best Christmas present you could give yourselves is to sort out the family sleep issues and arrangements. Can you spend less on Christmas and concentrate your efforts into getting a private appointment with your ASD specialist?

@moresugarpls

Ds1 use to be the same. He liked to run in his younger siblings, switch the lights on and generally be noisy when they’d be sleeping. We co-sleep now and I lock our bedroom door so he doesn’t run out.

He’s 5 and I’m looking at speaking to my GP about prescribing him Melatonin. Haven spoken to other parents 5 is not too young to get them started on it.

Yes, exactly what DS does, turns on all the lights, bounces on all the beds, pulls the duvet off etc. Wants to play with oldest even if it’s 3am 🤪we’ve heard about slow release melatonin? It’s in a tablet form and helps keep them asleep all night x

Sounds like a really tough situation for you, with it just being the one night could you not just make do and mend a little, loads of kids have very little sleep on Christmas eve to be fair.

Could you not just put your oldest to bed in his room and get a stairgate on your room and you and your youngest can sleep in there so he cannot physically get to your oldest? Someone mentioned one of those tall ones you can get for dogs? And just tough it out for one night? Might mean you pulling an all nighter, watching tv/ipad whatever, it won't be ideal but it's just the one night and your husband will be home all day Christmas day and boxing day so you can double team it?

OP you still haven't said, why is it your DH and eldest locked away and not you and the youngest? Presumably that would solve Xmas Eve? And mean not sending your DS away? (Though must stress I don't agree with locked doors for safety reasons, but you're doing it already)

I understand that it's difficult, but it's not a practical long term solution. Could you join a forum specific for parents of autistic children, and ask their advice? You may find that they have some really good suggestions. I hope you get it sorted, so that everyone can sleep in the same house.

Melatonin is great but it isn’t a miracle stay asleep cure it just helps get to sleep. My son has melatonin but 4am is still a lie in at the moment!

You know you can buy melatonin right? Lots of shops stock it.
It's a natural chemical no drugs. You really need to spend more time on solving this sleeping problem and less time worrying about Christmas though. It's not viable long term.

How long is the shift and what time will he get home? I think I would choose to stay up if possible, open the presents and then sneak off for a sleep. He might only get a few hours and need sugar/caffeine but it's just one day.

Are you suggesting a 9 year old has caffeine and goes for a sleep on Christmas day??

@TheOccupier

Can we just go with the assumption that if the op has managed to 'teach one of her kids to behave' then the other kid's behaviour is a symptom of his aforementioned special need which the op is working to resolve. I'm not sure why you thought the last part of your comment was particularly helpful unless you genuinely believe the op taught one kid to behave but then hadn't considered teaching the other one.

But that isn't the case. The OP says "DS (youngest) gets wound up and excited by the oldest". A neurotypical 9yo should know better than to mess about and wind up his younger brother when a parent is trying to sleep after a night shift!

I think I’ve been misunderstood. The very presence of my oldest winds up the youngest. The oldest doesn’t wind his brother up. He can just be sitting on the couch and the youngest will jump on him/giggling/trying to play. His brother is his favourite playmate but he struggles to understand when his brother wants to be left alone and when he wants to play.

5 year old play fights but doesn’t know his own strength. He’s extremely strong and very big/stocky. He “play kicks”rolls on top of the oldest. I’ve had to physically restrain (gently)the youngest to prevent him hurting our oldest

Sorry, OP, but you do seem to be constantly minimising the effects on your eldest DS of your youngest's additional needs. DS1 has to sleep locked in a bedroom with his dad. He has to go to GP (who sound lovely) whenever his DF works nights, including potentially at Christmas. And he is attacked by a 5 year old who "doesn't know his own strength". I'm sure they both wind each other up, and your DS1 is no angel, but he is putting up with a lot, and you are accepting that he should. Some things can't be changed, but you don't seem to be making improvements where you can.

Might see about a way of youngest sleeping in his own bed again but having some sort of gate or something to prevent the night time wandering So your Plan A was that DS1 has to sleep locked in a room with his DF indefinitely, instead of even trying a stairgate?

@DoctorWhoTardis

You know you can buy melatonin right? Lots of shops stock it. It's a natural chemical no drugs. You really need to spend more time on solving this sleeping problem and less time worrying about Christmas though. It's not viable long term.

I didn’t know you can buy it?

I think I’ve been misunderstood. The very presence of my oldest winds up the youngest. The oldest doesn’t wind his brother up. He can just be sitting on the couch and the youngest will jump on him/giggling/trying to play. His brother is his favourite playmate but he struggles to understand when his brother wants to be left alone and when he wants to play.

I haven't seen you respond to this question: what happens when the youngest behaves this way?

If you know what happens when he sees his brother, what is done to protect the oldest?

@userisi

OP you still haven't said, why is it your DH and eldest locked away and not you and the youngest? Presumably that would solve Xmas Eve? And mean not sending your DS away? (Though must stress I don't agree with locked doors for safety reasons, but you're doing it already)

I have tried locking our bedroom door from the inside but when DS finds it locked he turns on the lights/bounces/strips the bed etc.

Quite possibly teaching grandma to suck eggs but it sounds like he is seeking a lot of Proprioceptive input? Hence the play fighting and things.

Deep pressure and heavy work activities may help both day and night.