To want my children to attend our Christmas meal?

[Worryingmama]

Going to in-laws this year for Christmas Day. We have a 4 year old and a 1 year old. It’s long been in-law tradition to do Christmas dinner as a supper in the evening rather than at lunch. This was fine for the pre-grandchildren years but since we’ve had kids it has bothered me. This year with our eldest being 4 years old, it just seems to mean to have it at a time they will be in bed! In laws claim children don’t enjoy long sit down meals and it’s better to do in adult-only time. For me, even if kids need a bit of persuading to sit down for it, the Christmas meal should be a whole-family celebration.

AIBU to feel quite pissed off about this?

The thing I've noticed from friend's parents, and which does seem quite infuriating, is that all the ones who are now being really rigid about how Christmas must be done, won't fit it around the children but also insist on their adult children and grandchildren coming to them and are aghast if anything different is suggested - all of them were people who when their own children were little insisted on having Christmas just them and their children. It's like they think Christmas is just about them no matter what stage of life they're at.

What time is the proposed dinner? Can't the 4 yer old stay up a tiny bit late for once? Have a little nap/telly zone out time earlier if likely to be fractious.

I wouldn’t be going unless the kids can stay up as well

Christmas is for kids. It’s a family event, they are family

Personally I would be taking this as the opportunity to start your own traditions, do Christmas Day at yours and see then Boxing Day or Christmas Eve

I can't stand the uncompromisingly unchristmassy just me and my little family Christmas types. Have a pj day another day.

No responses meaning this might end in being in a chappy tabloid.
I think a grown up dinner once the children are in bed sounds lovely. The whole of Christmas Day tends about the children, which is lovely, but adults deserve a little grown up time too. You would be able to enjoy good food, adult conversation and nice wine without worrying about the little ones, who have already had their lovely day.

All depends on what time the meal is at?

@Enko

Well, I am Scandinavian so our main celebration is 24th in the evening. I have many fond memories of being allowed to stay up late sitting at the dinner table before the presents etc.

So for me it has to be YABU different ways to do things doesn't mean they cant create good memories.

However, nothing stopping you from doing your own family Christmas sans inlaws

Yes, me too.

Christmas dinner very late compared to the U.K. - Visiting grandparents on the day, dinner around 7 to 8, then dancing around the tree singing hymns and carols, then opening presents (taking turns opening presents one by one, so it took a long time), playing ‘til late, going home anywhere from midnight to one or two in the morning. We loved it, and all the children stayed up for dinner/presents, toddlers included (of course if the little ones fell asleep that was fine too).

I wouldn’t let my children miss out on that, and I wouldn’t let anyone dictate what my children are doing, or not, on such a special day. Maybe it’s time to have your own Christmas at home and see the in laws/other family on Boxing Day.

I’d put the one year old to bed and keep the 4 year old up. Routine goes out the window at Christmas anyway

What time? If they don’t want to the meal at lunch time, could they have it at 5:30-6pm for dinner?

It seems really odd to have a family transition around the main meal of the festive season which deliberately excludes children?! It’s hardly family-friendly?!

is that all the ones who are now being really rigid about how Christmas must be done, won't fit it around the children but also insist on their adult children and grandchildren coming to them and are aghast if anything different is suggested - all of them were people who when their own children were little insisted on having Christmas just them and their children. It's like they think Christmas is just about them no matter what stage of life they're at.

I’ve noticed this too. Certain people who think whatever life stage they are at is the one that everything revolves around.

@Howshouldibehave

It seems really odd to have a family transition around the main meal of the festive season which deliberately excludes children?! It’s hardly family-friendly?!

A long meal at the diner table isn’t particularly child friendly. They’re spending the rest of the day together. Presumably there will be other food and lovely time together. That sounds like a very family friendly Christmas,

Certain people who think whatever life stage they are at is the one that everything revolves around.

Ain't that the truth?!

long meal at the diner table isn’t particularly child friendly

The children can get down when they’ve eaten if they want to -no problem.

Darling is correct. That IS how you do Christmas! Once lunch is over means the hosts are off duty food wise and can relax. Would hate having evening meal prep hanging over me all day!

@thedefinitionofmadness

I can't stand the uncompromisingly unchristmassy just me and my little family Christmas types. Have a pj day another day.

Are you saying it's unreasonable to want to spend Christmas day in a way that makes you and the most important people in your life (spouse and kids) happy? We are meant to put the parents/in-laws first? Cause if so, fuck all of that.

@thedefinitionofmadness not necessarily grandparents, not necessarily younger people, just certain people seem to take this view

My dad is a bit of a one for this - wanting Christmas at our when we were little (I loved spending time with my gps as a child and being at their house) and now likes everyone at their house too.

My brothers are also awful for this - they always want everything unremitting adult, with no quarter given for needs of children or parents of children, whereas I know if they had children it would be “all change” and children would be utterly paramount.

My Mum panders to the males of the family ridiculously.

I try to do my own thing at a Christmas as much as possible!

My children are 9, 7 and 5 and having them at Christmas dinner at the in-laws when they were younger was a fucking nightmare. However, it was a nightmare I'd never have excluded them from and never would have accepted them being excluded from either. They are family, not inconveniences.

Quite likely, you and/or your DH are likely to end up missing the dinner and trying to get children to sleep upstairs.

It's tricky because if it is what the inlaws have always done for Christmas, it doesn't seem the end of the world to do this every other year. And in no time at all, your children will be old enough to join you for the Christmas meal.

I agree that they don't typically enjoy that part of Christmas over others. Although my 2nd baby was a great social eater and famously (in our family) sat at the Christmas dinner table for 2 hours at 15 months old, long after the older children had left the table. She enjoyed the attention and feeding herself with her hands sitting in her high chair - good old MN-endorsed baby-led weaning helped!

YANBU but knowing that this was their tradition I simply wouldn't go to them on Christmas Day. Have the 25th at home and go to them for Boxing Day.

@JesusIsAnyNameFree

Are you saying it's unreasonable to want to spend Christmas day in a way that makes you and the most important people in your life (spouse and kids) happy? We are meant to put the parents/in-laws first? Cause if so, fuck all of that.

Not meant to put anyone's desires first but most people love their families and want to be together. Christmas is a collective thing. If your family are horrible or toxic or massively stressful that's one thing but the absenting yourself with "time to make your own traditions" just because someone wants to have their tea a little bit later than you'd ideally like is just selfish. Of course, I'd expect the compromising to go both ways!

(but I do think there's the rest of the holidays for self imposed lockdown)

I don't think it's a case of 'sending children to bed' , I think it's to prevent them grizzling with exhaustion and falling asleep anyway .
If you want tiny kids to eat with you - eat at a child appropriate time , which you can't do at your IL's .
It's clear from this post that children differ massively and only you know your own kids - so do what's best for them .
Let your IL's have their peaceful meal ( why shouldn't they enjoy it how they want to ? ) and you do your own Xmas .
If this is going to turn into a blazing row and long running feud ...then that's another story altogether !

I'd want to be with my children on Christmas Day and to have the meal at lunchtime. I wouldn't visit anyone on Christmas Day, no matter what.

I think this sounds great to be honest. You can have a super child oriented lunch during the day, put them to bed, then enjoy a relaxed adults only dinner with conversation and lots of wine.

@LittleGwyneth has it
go with the flow