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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that my husband said he has 3 kids when he has 4?

632 replies

LaGauchiste · 15/11/2021 16:05

I haven't spoke to my husband for 2 days He thinks I am being unfair, and making a big deal out of nothing. I keep thinking about it, and do not feel like I am being unfair at all.

Friday night, we went to the pub with his 2 new colleagues and their partners. We were just chatting, when one of the ladies asked him " So how many kids do you have?" He replied by saying that he had 3 sons. The woman proceeded to say " So all boys no girls?"
He laughed and said "yup".

At that point I wanted to cry and punch the table so badly. WE HAVE A DAUGHTER. My 20 yo daughter passed away in 2019. I am so angry and upset that he said that.

I confronted him at home , and he saw nothing wrong with it : " Well she's dead, we don't have 4 children anymore".

I grabbed my purse and went to my sister's house. Haven't talked to him since. He keeps messaging me telling me how much he loves me, that I need to get over my, OUR, daughter's death.

Aibu? I never want to see him again.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 15/11/2021 16:07

You aren’t being unreasonable to be upset.

I wonder if it’s a way of him not having to talk about it? I’m not saying he is right or wrong but I can see why he might in that situation.

Try and have a conversation wihh him about it so you can both understand each other. Flowers

SoniaFouler · 15/11/2021 16:07

Oh wow. I can understand why you’re upset. YANBU but he is also right tbh.

Itsnotallaboutyoubaby · 15/11/2021 16:07

I am so sorry Flowers

SoniaFouler · 15/11/2021 16:08

I meant the first part, not the “you need to get over it” part

MintMatchmaker · 15/11/2021 16:09

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Some people deal with things in different ways. I’m sure your husband feels the loss just as much as you do, but sometimes we protect ourselves from pain and maybe this is his way of doing that. Flowers

Shoxfordian · 15/11/2021 16:09

Yabu
It’s not a light easy thing to say in a pub conversation so it’s easier to say three

Did you have some counselling? It sounds really difficult for you still

catmg · 15/11/2021 16:09

I am so sorry for your loss and it must have been such a gut wrench to hear those words from your husband. Of course you have 4 children, you always will.

In fairness to your husband maybe he didn't want to say 4 and risk being asked more detailed questions about them all? I only say this as someone who has lost a sibling, and sometimes I don't want to say I have 2 siblings when one of them is no longer here, as I don't want to risk a follow on question forcing me to make that statement; its sometimes too painful. This isn't at all to minimise your hurt - it's palpable and you are more than entitled to it.

HugeAckmansWife · 15/11/2021 16:09

I'm so sorry for your loss and I don't think anyone can say you are unreasonable for feeling the way you do, but in the context of that conversation, new people, casual chat, he may not have wanted to get into a whole thing about it and also make them uncomfortable. Everyone handles grief in their own way. He should have been kinder to you and maybe expressed it differently but he is handling his own grief differently, which is allowed I think.

GunsNShips · 15/11/2021 16:10

I don’t feel like I can criticise either parent in this situation, there is no right or wrong. Maybe he didn’t want to be sharing the ins and outs of his private life.

I would be the same as you though, and could never pretend she didn’t exist Flowers

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 15/11/2021 16:10

This is such a delicate situation!
Of course you're going to be upset, especially what he said once you got home.
But, if these are new colleagues, he probably didn't want to get into the discussion about your daughter who has died. It's not exactly an easy topic to talk about, especially to new colleagues.

He shouldn't have said what he said once you got home. Your daughter will always be a part of your lives and doesn't deserve to be forgotten about.

Mushrooms0up · 15/11/2021 16:10

So sorry for your loss.

People grieve in different ways - maybe he didn’t want to deal with the follow up questions from the pub lady and explain that your daughter passed away. Saying 3 avoids a difficult conversation he might not want to have.

Be kind to each other - it’s really tough

dudsville · 15/11/2021 16:11

I can't vote. You're both choosing OK ways forward, it's painful that they aren't compatible.

Fatgalslim · 15/11/2021 16:11

Well he's not wrong, you DID have 4 children but now you have 3. I understand your upset and I'm very sorry about your daughter

flowery · 15/11/2021 16:11

He wasn’t ready to talk about your daughter with new colleagues and their partners. That’s not something you introduce into a light conversation with people you don’t know well.

I lost my mum when I was small. I have a step mum. People close to me or who have known me a long time know that she’s my step mum and that I lost my mum. But with people I’ve recently met or don’t know well, if conversation turns naturally to parents, I wouldn’t clarify.

I understand why you’re upset though.

AryaStarkWolf · 15/11/2021 16:12

I think you are being unfair tbh, he probably didn't want to bring up your daughter and possibly her death at a social work night out, I'm sure he didn't do it because he doesn't love and miss his own child. people deal with grief differently OP. I'm very sorry for your loss though

Hermanfromguesswho · 15/11/2021 16:12

I think him saying he has 3 sons is probably much easier to cope with than him having to tell 2 very new colleagues about the sad loss of your daughter in a social situation.
I can totally see why he did it.
I can also see why you are upset but it’s absolutely not a kicking him out situation. More a chat to explain how both of you feel and then move on type situation

TheKeatingFive · 15/11/2021 16:12

It's probably have done the same as him if I were in that position. People handle grief in different ways so in the gentlest possible way YABU.

SusieBob · 15/11/2021 16:12

I can well understand why someone who has lost a child may not necessarily want to have to explain what happened to everyone they meet, and so saying they have 3 sons rather than 3 sons and a passed daughter is just a way of avoiding that discussion and reliving painful memories.

I can see why you might be upset but equally I think not talking to your husband for 2 days over this is not productive. You need to sit down and work this out as a couple.

MaxNormal · 15/11/2021 16:12

Did you have some counselling? It sounds really difficult for you still

It's going to be difficult for OP forever and no counselling will change that.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 15/11/2021 16:12

With new people, that's a very difficult conversation to have, so I can see both sides to be honest. His response to you was out of order though. You'll always have 4 children Flowers

Theunamedcat · 15/11/2021 16:13

Sorry I have no words to express my sympathy but 2019 seems so recent I can see why your so hurt

Driposaurus · 15/11/2021 16:13

I know a bereaved parent who will say she has two children when asked how many children she has, depending on the audience. Explaining about her son can derail a conversation and she doesn’t always want the derailment.

WorraLiberty · 15/11/2021 16:13

I'm sorry for your loss but it's unfair to think you can force him to feel/think/say the same as you.

People are different and deal with things differently.

There's no right or wrong here, but not speaking to him because he's different to you, is definitely wrong and quite manipulative too.

BlusteryLake · 15/11/2021 16:14

I am sorry for the loss of your DD. I can see why your DH said three in the pub though - I don't think I would want to bring up the passing of my daughter with people I don't know very well in a noisy pub with others nearby. That said, though, he could have handled it more sensitively at home and explained why he said three in the pub.

JustLyra · 15/11/2021 16:14

I think he has the right to deal with the loss of your DD in his own way. If he doesn’t want to explain it to new colleagues then that’s up to him.

He shouldn’t have told you to get over it after you got home, but it is up to him how he broaches the loss of your DD with his colleagues.

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