To be upset that my husband said he has 3 kids when he has 4?

[LaGauchiste]

I haven't spoke to my husband for 2 days He thinks I am being unfair, and making a big deal out of nothing. I keep thinking about it, and do not feel like I am being unfair at all.

Friday night, we went to the pub with his 2 new colleagues and their partners. We were just chatting, when one of the ladies asked him " So how many kids do you have?" He replied by saying that he had 3 sons. The woman proceeded to say " So all boys no girls?"
He laughed and said "yup".

At that point I wanted to cry and punch the table so badly. WE HAVE A DAUGHTER. My 20 yo daughter passed away in 2019. I am so angry and upset that he said that.

I confronted him at home , and he saw nothing wrong with it : " Well she's dead, we don't have 4 children anymore".

I grabbed my purse and went to my sister's house. Haven't talked to him since. He keeps messaging me telling me how much he loves me, that I need to get over my, OUR, daughter's death.

Aibu? I never want to see him again.

[Irishfarmer]

I didn't vote as I don't think you are even slightly unreasonable about how you feel, but I also don't think he isn't unreasonable either, he might not want a question about her to bring up the inevitable she has passed away. I think maybe it is time to have a conversation with your husband? Ask his side. He probably feels awful for upsetting you even though he didn't mean to or understand why it did.
The "we don't have 4 children any more" comment to me sounds just like some of his hurt coming out

[lockdownalli]

I think it was insensitive of him to tell you to "get over" your daughter's death. However, I also think it was insensitive of you not to consider that your DH may not want to share such personal information with new colleagues and their partners. I certainly would not.

I hope you can reach some agreement

[SelfIdentifiedRightsHoarder]

As others have said, my brother died, and completely depending on who I'm talking to and what the situation is, I would just say I have a sister, or mention both. It's not something I feel comfortable discussing in every scenario. Because there's always follow up questions, and then the awkward apologies and silence after you say it. And it's upsetting for me too. However, I do think he was out of line to say that technically its true, because of course it isn't. Your daughter will always be your daughter. Is he usually clumsy with words? Or bad at expressing these kinds if emotions? I'm sorry for your loss 💐

[Aderyn21]

Losing a child doesn’t mean that they cease to be your child.
I can understand wanting to dodge the question in the pub but what ge said at home is utterly unforgivable imo

[mumsie8]

I see everybody's point of view but personally if i had had a child who had died and my husband discounted their existance i would find that incredibly hard to accept.

My child existed, they were real, they lived, breathed, took up a much loved space in my life. Death doesn't change that. Yes, of course it changes the dynamic of my ongoing living life but they would continue to be one of my children and loved just as much as my living ones.

I think OP's H handled the whole thing with about as much sensitivity as a bull in a china shop. And while i'm not saying he isn't grieving/hurting the degree of callousness in his comments is breathtaking.

OP only you can decide how you want things to move forward.

I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your DD. She was real, she lived and i'm sure she was a typical bright, breezy, caring, infuriating, much loved and now missed young woman.

[Peanutbuttercupisyum]

Different people deal in different ways. I know of 2 people in your situation - one always counts the child that passed away, and actually seems to talk about them as if they’re alive, and the other completely omits to mention them
if asked how many children they have. I don’t think either response is wrong, I think allow your DH to explain things in his own way

[JustLyra]

@LaGauchiste

I never wanted him to explain anything. A simple " I have 4 kids" would have been more than enough.

Thank you for your support and for those who tell me " Technically he's right you have 3 now". No. I don't.

You’re both in the right - you have every right to feel that you have 4 kids, and he has every right to feel like he had 4 and that you (joint you) now have 3.

This is one of the situations that there’s no right or wrong.

He’s entitled to deal with that in his way, just as you are yours.

[Teeturtle]

I know it isn’t the same thing, but I grew u with three siblings. I didn’t have children and they were my only relatives. Sadly two of them passed away prematurely. I will always have thee siblings, but in some situations, if I am asked, now I might just say “I have a sister” because I do not want to go into explaining the whole thing every time and sometimes it just isn’t the right time.

It has no bearing on whether I am over them or not and your husband is wrong to say that to you. But I do understand why in some circumstances, he decides that he doesn’t want to open the conversation to your daughter.

[lnsufficientFuns]

Maybe he didn’t want to let it all hang out in a pub conversation.

Maybe it’s too painful?


Nobody’s wrong

[Porcupineintherough]

@Iwab82

So sorry for your loss. I would feel the same as you. No one gets over losing a child, I don't know how he can say that.

It depends what you mean by "get over" though, doesnt it? It doesnt mean forgetting or not minding does it? It can mean finding a way to live with something so it doesnt utterly destroy you and moving on with your life. I'm not sure how I could do that if I lost a child but I believe it can be done, I've seen it done.

[TokyoDreaming]

I can completely understand why he said what he did in the pub as it was him trying to avoid any potential awkward questions.

But him telling you to get over your daughter's death is unacceptable.

[sillysmiles]

@LaGauchiste I'm very sorry for your loss and honestly don't think it is something you'll ever get over, but it does sound like something you are both dealing with in different ways.
It sounds like potentially he has compartmentalised her death and she is in a box in his mind so that he doesn't have to deal with it everyday.
It sounds, from what you've written as though you are dealing with it differently and that she is very much a part of your day to day life currently.
Neither of you are wrong.
YANBU about the "get over it" comment but if it was in the middle of a row then sometimes things get said not in the way we meant.

If this is not part of a bigger problem and a symptom of a bigger problem, then you need to talk to him imo.

[Szyz2020]

I think you and your husband need to discuss how you both communicate to the outside world about your DD. I think he’s been very blunt and cruel to you. His laughing and saying yep all boys no girls must have been like a knife in your heart. And I think that as a society we are utterly crap at knowing how to deal with people telling us difficult things in unexpected contexts so sometimes we end up making life so easy for others we hurt ourselves or those close to us.

Life can’t be sanitised however and it’s therefore sadly up to the giver of the news or “awkward” statement to work out how best to deal with it.

I totally understand that your husband doesn’t want to lob in the grenade of your awful loss at the beginning of an evening with people he doesn’t know well. BUT with a bit of forethought he can manage the conversation when people ask. He can start with the statement of 3 boys and a girl and leave it there. If someone asks more you have a prepared line or two - “our boys are x y and z ages. Sadly we lost our daughter two years ago, she was 20.” Cue stunned silence or empathetic responses or follow up questions or awkward shifting from your companion.

So you carry on with something like - “it’s been really hard but we’re doing our best and it’s lovely to see our boys thriving. Do you have children? How old are they?” Add other questions / divert and move on.

Sometimes the person you’ve told will tell you about their own loss. Sometimes they will be shit and make a terrible faux pas because they don’t know how to deal with what they’ve heard. Sometimes they dig for details because they are trying to be sympathetic or they forget instantly that this is real life and not a magazine article. But you can always be ready to divert and steer away and restore the good humour and jollity so people don’t feel they now have to sit in sad silence or be thought insensitive. You just have to prepare. That might be a kinder approach for you than the denial that your husband is employing.

[Kinneddar]

A simple " I have 4 kids" would have been more than enough

But it might not have been. There was no way of knowing how the conversation might have progressed. I can see why your husband said what he did. These are new colleagues and it was a social situation. He was possibly anticipating more general conversation and questions about your family which would have involved discussing your daughters death.

I can also see why you're angry though but different people deal with things differently

[ModMajGeneral]

It’s ok to be angry. It’s just not fair to be angry at HIM.

[arcof]

To everyone saying, he just said that in the pub to avoid awkward follow up questions, did you miss the part about what he said at home? It's all well and good for you to say OP needs to respect his view he has 3 children but what about him respecting what OP believes, which is true, she has 4 children. Why as her husband can he not explain he said that to avoid awkwardness and give her a hug and say I miss our daughter too? Have you all had the empathetic part of your brain removed?

I am with you OP but, you have to talk to your husband, I imagine/ i hope he is normally your rock, and I think you'll feel better if you talk this one out.

[Horst]

He likely didn’t want the conversation opening up. They already commented on all boys no girls for the three.

If he has said four it would of been how many boy/girls, then asking about them maybe or how old and then oh so is she at college/working etc then he would had to explain she had died and for pub chat with someone who doesn’t really know you that can be heavy.

[Tal45]

YANBU to feel that you have 4 children and he is NBU to feel differently and feel that he now unfortunately/sadly only has 3 children.

However YABVU to not speak to him for two days. Giving someone the silent treatment is passive aggressive and emotionally abusive not to mention incredibly childish. It resolves nothing. You are both entitled to feel the ways you do it doesn't mean he loved your daughter any less.

[FlowersNoScent]

@MilduraS

I lost my daughter when she was 3. If people ask me if I have any children I say no. It not because I'm pretending she didn't exist, i just feel awkward speaking about her with complete strangers. They don't know what to say and I don't know what to say so I find it easier to just say no, I don't have any.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Your post is similar to what I was thinking. I have a friend who lost her only child (at the time) and for years, if anyone asked if she had any child, she'd say no. She once told me it's because she doesn't anymore. (I didn't ask, we were talking about other things and it came up). Then, she'd describe herself as 'once a mum' or 'used to be a mum'.

She only went into details with people if she felt like it - not often. It didn't even cross my mind to think she's hiding her child or has forgotten her child or never loved her child.

People do have different ways of dealing with stuff.

[newfriend05]

So sorry for your loss... I with you OP .. I would be deeply hurt

[SeaOfLights]

@LaGauchiste

I never wanted him to explain anything. A simple " I have 4 kids" would have been more than enough.

Thank you for your support and for those who tell me " Technically he's right you have 3 now". No. I don't.

I used the word ‘explain’ but I really meant answer this type of question, not explain details. Sorry it was badly phrased.

[SylvanianFrenemies]

I'm.so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter.

Neither of you is wrong, beyond your husband's insensitivity.

I can understand why he didn't want to talk about your daughter in that context. I'm sure it doesnt say anything about his love for her.

[FluffyBooBoo]

did you miss the part about what he said at home?

The bit where op said she confronted him? So effectively he was having to defend his position?

Nope, didn't miss that.

[Strangevipers]

People grieve differently

Perhaps that's his way of moving on ( if that's even possible)

Perhaps he didn't want any questions being asked about your DD as it would upset him and maybe he worried it would upset you and or make the people you were with feel awkward for asking

Completely understand your anguish here but if you love eachother then you need eachother Go home , explain your feelings , neither of you are in the wrong. You have both been through enough pain is adding to it helpful ?

[justwantobeamum]

Sorry for your loss, but it's not for you to dictate how he grieves. He is unreasonable saying to you to get over it, but maybe he picks and chooses situations to say 3 or 4 and here he didn't want to be questioned so he said 3. If he said 4, 3 boys and a girl he then might have had to explain about your daughters death which maybe he didn't feel like doing at that point and that is his right.