To be upset that my husband said he has 3 kids when he has 4?

[LaGauchiste]

I haven't spoke to my husband for 2 days He thinks I am being unfair, and making a big deal out of nothing. I keep thinking about it, and do not feel like I am being unfair at all.

Friday night, we went to the pub with his 2 new colleagues and their partners. We were just chatting, when one of the ladies asked him " So how many kids do you have?" He replied by saying that he had 3 sons. The woman proceeded to say " So all boys no girls?"
He laughed and said "yup".

At that point I wanted to cry and punch the table so badly. WE HAVE A DAUGHTER. My 20 yo daughter passed away in 2019. I am so angry and upset that he said that.

I confronted him at home , and he saw nothing wrong with it : " Well she's dead, we don't have 4 children anymore".

I grabbed my purse and went to my sister's house. Haven't talked to him since. He keeps messaging me telling me how much he loves me, that I need to get over my, OUR, daughter's death.

Aibu? I never want to see him again.

Yanbu, but neither is he. You’re both parents who are grieving in different ways. I’m sorry for your loss

You're not BU. Your OH was thoughtless. But technically not wrong. Maybe he didn't want to bring it up for fear of oversharing or dampening the mood? I'm guessing how you mutually refer to your daughter in conversation with strangers has never come up before?

YANBU about his messages saying you need to get over it.

The conversation at the pub, some people don’t want to talk about it in casual conversation. My mum doesn’t, so when asked she says she has three children, not four. I don’t think she’s wrong to do that, and I don’t think she’d be wrong to say four. She just doesn’t like to get into a conversation about her fourth child with people she doesn’t know that well. If you know her well you know it’s not a case of her forgetting or not caring, far from it. You’ll know whether you think that’s the case with your husband.

I’m sorry about your daughter

I’m so sorry for your loss @LaGauchiste. I think this is one of those situations where voting is impossible. You’re not at all unreasonable to feel the way you do. But I don’t think your husband was unreasonable to not want to discuss it on a night out, with new colleagues either. Was he worried that by saying he had 4 children, he was inviting questions that he didn’t feel able to answer? People grieve in different ways, there’s no right or wrong.

However telling you to ‘get over’ losing daughter was unkind.

I think you are being unfair, my brother died but when people ask how many siblings I have I don’t mention him, not to people I don’t really know.

I am very sorry for your loss That must have been and be extremely difficult.

I can see why he did not want to bring it up on an evening out with new colleagues because I can see how it would feel like too much to share, but he could have easily explained that to you afterwards. Is this the first time you have had to explain (or not) to people you don’t really know?

I can see why you are hurting, and he is not really helping by texting that you need to get over your DD’s death. That is unreasonable, in my opinion, but not wanting to explain in the pub to new colleagues, not so much. I am so very sorry and I hope you and your husband can find some peace with each other.

YANBU OP and neither is he. It is entirely up to him how he views how he feels about this. Him not including your daughter in numbers dies not in anyway discount the fact that she was your daughter and child. There is no right way to feel. I have a friend who lost her son as a teen and she doesn't count him (now) when people ask how many dc she has. Another one lost her 8 month old and she counts him, but points out he is "no longer with us, but still counted every time". Another friend had a miscarriage at 6 weeks and counts this child.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter OP.

I'm so sorry for your loss

All I can imagine is that your dh didn't want to get into an explanation about what happened there and then

I understand why you are upset but I imagine he did not want to discuss something so traumatic & private with people he hardly knew (you mention they were new colleagues)

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP.

People deal with bereavement differently, though -- and it may be that he was being defensive to you about his decision not to tell people about his daughter's death. I'm not sure I'd have told a new colleague in a social situation about something I was still in the middle of grieving for, either.

I got a taxi last weekend, and I remarked on the driver's unusual name, and we got talking about children's names and fashions etc -- and he said that one of his children was no longer alive, and despite the fact that he'd volunteered the information, and that the death happened in 1980 (a toddler, pneumonia), I could see in the rearview mirror that he had tears in his eyes.

Sometimes people don't want to be upset in front of other people, and sometimes couples grieve their loss very differently and either have to figure out a way of getting round that, or split.

Ah honey, you poor thing. I'm not surprised you're upset.

But, very gently, remember he is grieving too. He may have said it as a way to cope with his own grief.

Neither way is right, or wrong.

Try and think kindly towards him, the man who shared your grief, who also lost a daughter. Try and work through this together, you've already been through so much together by the sounds of it.

*Edit. Just reread your op. I don't like the whole, time to get over it bit, so maybe that's made me think less kindly towards him, as I'm not sure if I'd ever get over something like that.

Take care. Do whatever feels right.

I never wanted him to explain anything. A simple " I have 4 kids" would have been more than enough.

Thank you for your support and for those who tell me " Technically he's right you have 3 now". No. I don't.

@Mushrooms0up

So sorry for your loss.

People grieve in different ways - maybe he didn’t want to deal with the follow up questions from the pub lady and explain that your daughter passed away. Saying 3 avoids a difficult conversation he might not want to have.

Be kind to each other - it’s really tough

I agree wholeheartedly with this comment

There's no right answer here, you're both right really and grieving in different ways. It must be hard to come together after such a loss x

This is difficult, my son died at 26 and I dreaded people asking how many children I have, I was at a conference once with lots of new people and it was a constant question, I was falling apart at coffee times and meal times. My husband, who was not my childrens' father, suggested that I just answered 'one surviving' and change the subject to avoid long upsetting explainations. This worked well and I still use it now, although as I am older I don't get asked as often. Perhaps your husband just wants to avoid discussion as he knows how upsetting it is for you. Although saying you should be over it, is harsh, you will never be 'over it' but it just becomes part of you.

I feel for you. I just can’t imagine how painful the whole thing probably was, and then for your husband to say no daughters on top.

You are right to be upset and angry, it’s a normal reaction, but it’s not right to be that way with your husband, like you, he did nothing wrong.

I would be upset by it, but not upset with him or the way he handled it as I think it’s completely understandable

WorraLiberty

How is it manipulative. He can do whatever he likes, I am not forced to accept it. I hated that he told me to get over our child's death.

I would gather he wouldn't want to bring it up in front of fairly new work colleagues plus partners he didn't know and potentially bring a bit of a downer to the conversation. You were right to leave it until after the evening had finished for that exact reason.

Your language though, "confronted him", I'm imagining quite emotionally - angrily? If so I would have to say YANBU in that regard. And likely as a result you got a very defensive reaction from him, which whilst factually correct, lacks tact and no doubt was hurtful to you. But that kind of view may also be his way of best dealing with it for himself.

A softer conversation of asking why he didn't say 4 or mention your daughter and explaining how it made you feel would have probably ended the evening with you understanding the reasons why he said 3 children at that particular time and maybe a bit of a heart to heart and both of you sharing the same bed that night.

If he'd have found it awkward, when you questioned him on it he'd have said "of course I haven't forgotten about our daughter, I just didn't want to explain to them what happened as I dont know them very well."

He wouldn't have been so blunt and cruel.

So sorry for your loss OP.

Maybe it's just his way of dealing with it? To shut it out and not talk about her. Not saying that's right but people deal with grief in very different ways and grieving with someone can be very hard.

There’s no reason he couldn’t have said 4 children and also not had to mention that your DD had died aswell if he didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable
The next thing the colleagues were going to say was hardly going to be ‘and are they all alive?’ Was it?! He just had to say, ‘4 and you?’ And kept the conversation moving

I could not forgive that.

That is so hard. But I, in the same circumstances, would probably do the same as he has. It's not the time or the place to have that conversation with people that you don't know well.

It doesn't mean that he has forgotten her, it doesn't mean that she isn't an important part of your family.

I am so sorry that you have been through that. My understanding is that the loss of a child can break a relationship, because people deal with it in different ways. I can see why. But you've made it this far. It might be worth getting some counselling, help you both understand each other better. I hope you both find your way through this.

LaGauchiste I'm so sorry for your loss. It is the worst kind of grief, in my opinion, to lose a child. It puts an enormous strain on a couple's relationship.

All I would say is clearly you both have different ways of trying to survive. For you it is all-consuming and you cannot fathom why he would deny her existence.

For him perhaps, he's having a night out, wants to enjoy it. Wants to seem engaging to these new people and he doesn't want to risk talking about something so huge, because if they have any kind of compassion at all the new colleagues will try to find ways to express sympathy. That can mean questions, which is intrusive when you don't know them and they don't know you.

We shouldn't have to think about other people when our grief is so huge, but there it is.

For myself most of the time I don't tell people because I know if they don't understand the enormity of it and react accordingly, I will resent them for it. So I don't say anything.

In your position I would make time for the rawness of your feelings to dissipate (usually 3 or 4 days) then work it out between you and perhaps have a stock phrase so that you're not denying your daughter's existence. Something like "we have 4 children but suffered a tragedy 2 years ago .. but tonight might not be the time to go into it". Anyone with an ounce of sense will not ask questions after that.

Sorry for your loss. It’s so recent and very raw. Everyone deals with grief differently. It could be his way of dealing eg can he speak about it without crying or him trying to protect you - if he had said about your daughter it may have caught you off guard and upset you. I’d try and speak to him and let him know how upset you are. You’ve been together 20 something years. Get some professional support if you need to. It’s a horrific situation and you will both be struggling.