To be upset that my husband said he has 3 kids when he has 4?

[LaGauchiste]

I haven't spoke to my husband for 2 days He thinks I am being unfair, and making a big deal out of nothing. I keep thinking about it, and do not feel like I am being unfair at all.

Friday night, we went to the pub with his 2 new colleagues and their partners. We were just chatting, when one of the ladies asked him " So how many kids do you have?" He replied by saying that he had 3 sons. The woman proceeded to say " So all boys no girls?"
He laughed and said "yup".

At that point I wanted to cry and punch the table so badly. WE HAVE A DAUGHTER. My 20 yo daughter passed away in 2019. I am so angry and upset that he said that.

I confronted him at home , and he saw nothing wrong with it : " Well she's dead, we don't have 4 children anymore".

I grabbed my purse and went to my sister's house. Haven't talked to him since. He keeps messaging me telling me how much he loves me, that I need to get over my, OUR, daughter's death.

Aibu? I never want to see him again.

I am sorry for your loss
Everyone grieves differently and you ant really tell someone else how they should feel/react to things so neither of you are unreasonable

I'm very sorry for your loss but it's unfair to think you can force him to feel/think/say the same as you.
People are different and deal with things differently. If he's more comfortable saying 3, that's as valid as you saying 4.
I have a sister in law who lost a daughter, she never mentions her and if asked she will say she has 2 not 3 children - I'd never dream of telling her that that was not ok.

The next thing the colleagues were going to say was hardly going to be ‘and are they all alive?’ Was it?!

No. But it might have been 'what ages are they? Are they working/at University' etc.

I can see why you are upset but I can also see why he doesn't want sundry chit chat with randoms to be awkward all the time

@LaGauchiste

I never wanted him to explain anything. A simple " I have 4 kids" would have been more than enough.

Thank you for your support and for those who tell me " Technically he's right you have 3 now". No. I don't.

But he feels he has three now. He gets to decide how many children he considers he has, as do you. It doesn't mean he isn't in daily agony, it doesn't mean he's forgotten your daughter.

Telling a mother that she she needs to get over the death of her child is never acceptable.
And the OP categorically does have 4 children - that one of them has died does not negate that fact.
I wouldn’t be talking to him either.

YANBU to feel however you feel but so is he and if you want to end it over this I think that's a huge over reaction.

@LaGauchiste

I never wanted him to explain anything. A simple " I have 4 kids" would have been more than enough.

Thank you for your support and for those who tell me " Technically he's right you have 3 now". No. I don't.

Saying he had a daughter may have invited questions about her that he didn't want to get in to though OP, not on a night out in the Pub with work colleagues

I agree with @Maulstick

I'm so sorry OP I can understand why you're upset. I wonder if he's dealing with the grief journey differently. It must have been so horrific for both of you.

@Aderyn21

Telling a mother that she she needs to get over the death of her child is never acceptable. And the OP categorically does have 4 children - that one of them has died does not negate that fact. I wouldn’t be talking to him either.

In the context of the question though, no, she has three.

I also agree that to discount the son who died would seem disloyal to me, I still have 2 sons in my heart, and although it is 12 years since he died, never a day passes without me thinking of him. We talk about him cheerfully, as a family sometimes, even to his nephew who never met him, but has his name.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I can see both sides of this as my brother died young and how I respond to questions like “do you have any siblings” varies depends on my mood and who i’m talking to/who well I know them.

Sometimes it’s easier to say “no it’s just me”, as I don’t want to share and get upset myself or make people uncomfortable. But he’s definitely still my brother and when I’m brave enough I reply that I had a brother who sadly died. So I think your husband probably didn’t feel comfortable with new colleagues discussing something so personal and painful. It’s very recent. I hope you are getting some support with your loss x

I'm so sorry. Yes he was being unreasonable! He didn't have to mention anything about her passing, could have just said 3 boys and one girl and that's it. Moved the conversation on.

In the context of the question though, no, she has three.

The question was how many children do you have, not how many living children do you have.
They have 4 children. One of them sadly died. That doesn't mean she's not their child.

If he is normally a decent person I suspect he was defensive/embarrassed at hurting you and reacted badly.

If I genuinely felt he had forgotten dd or didn't care about her death I would not he able to forgive.

However more likely he was trying to keep conversation light and doesn't talk about dd unless it's a space where he would want to answer more questions if asked. If his apology is genuine I would listen.

I understand why you think that is hurtful, but it seems you each deal with it in different way, and neither way is right or wrong. I lost a brother and whenever people asked about siblings I used to say ' I have two sisters, I used to have a brother but he died' That was my way of handling that situation.

What I do think is very wrong is him telling you you need to get over it. No one should try to tell you how long you grieve for, in fact I imagine no one 'gets over' the death of a child. Perhaps you get used to living with the loss, but you don't get over it, It is much too profound a loss. I think that is what you need to talk about with your DH, he doesn't get to tell you what is right or wrong in grief, there is no right or wrong.

I'm sorry for your loss but your husband did nothing wrong. I think you're taking your pain (understandably) out on him. If you felt strongly about it, I'd have chipped in to say 'actually we have 4 but we lost her/she died (or however way you'd want to say it)'. Then you can talk about it if you want.

It's not something to leave him about or expect him to say what he doesn't want to say. Perhaps he didn't want to upset you by bringing her up, unless he already knows you'd want him to say 4 instead of 3?

Think about it, take time and calm down. I hope you'll see things differently later on. Sorry about your loss.

@LaGauchiste

I never wanted him to explain anything. A simple " I have 4 kids" would have been more than enough.

Thank you for your support and for those who tell me " Technically he's right you have 3 now". No. I don't.

The thing is though, saying he has 4 children including your daughter invites follow up questions like "how old are they" and "are they at university" and so forth.

For people he has just met I can totally understand why he would not want to deal with questions like that.

Neither of you are wrong, you are just dealing with an unthinkable situation in your own ways.

I can see why that remark must have cut you to the core. But I also see why he said it, and think that it was his choice. I'm not sure there is a "right" or "wrong" way to answer this question when you've suffered such a devastating loss.

He is not wrong to find a way around not talking about it at the pub in a light hearted setting if he doesn't want to. I do this.
I would overlook this as his way of coping.

His way of defending it at home I would say is off. But we each cope differently with grief.

I would say try to make peace openly with his dismissal of a discussion around her death with others, it is difficult.
Between you at home you need to be able to discuss, grieve, and smile at memories in a way that bonds you rather than divides you. I have seen grief split too many couples, if you can find a way through it together to help one another - this is the better option.

Sending love.

I do think you are being unreasonable, I'm sorry. If your husband had mentioned a daughter, it could have well led into conversations about children and then a more awkward conversation when your husband has to clarify the situation. It doesn't mean your husband has forgotten her or doesn't care. He has dealt with it differently to you.

So sorry for your loss. I would feel the same as you. No one gets over losing a child, I don't know how he can say that.

I lost my daughter when she was 3. If people ask me if I have any children I say no. It not because I'm pretending she didn't exist, i just feel awkward speaking about her with complete strangers. They don't know what to say and I don't know what to say so I find it easier to just say no, I don't have any.

I never wanted him to explain anything. A simple "I have 4 kids" would have been more than enough.

The reason my mum doesn’t include her late son in the number of children she has when asked by people she doesn’t know that well is to avoid the chance they’ll ask follow up questions. She knows it’s unlikely that if she says she has four that someone will ask her what all four do, or where they all live etc. But she still doesn’t like to say it. Especially as if they ask about boys/girls and she says 3 girls and a boy, they may say something like “oh must’ve been tough for your son, growing up with so many sisters!” in a lighthearted way and she either nods along, or says actually no, he didn’t grow up with three sisters, he didn’t even meet two of them. Or “oh gosh four kids, must’ve been a handful” and again she either nods along with it, or says she never had four children to look after at once. So she says three.