To be upset that my husband said he has 3 kids when he has 4?

[LaGauchiste]

I haven't spoke to my husband for 2 days He thinks I am being unfair, and making a big deal out of nothing. I keep thinking about it, and do not feel like I am being unfair at all.

Friday night, we went to the pub with his 2 new colleagues and their partners. We were just chatting, when one of the ladies asked him " So how many kids do you have?" He replied by saying that he had 3 sons. The woman proceeded to say " So all boys no girls?"
He laughed and said "yup".

At that point I wanted to cry and punch the table so badly. WE HAVE A DAUGHTER. My 20 yo daughter passed away in 2019. I am so angry and upset that he said that.

I confronted him at home , and he saw nothing wrong with it : " Well she's dead, we don't have 4 children anymore".

I grabbed my purse and went to my sister's house. Haven't talked to him since. He keeps messaging me telling me how much he loves me, that I need to get over my, OUR, daughter's death.

Aibu? I never want to see him again.

So hang on, you were sitting right there and she asked 'no girls' and he laughed and said 'yup' ?

No you are not being unreasonable and this will presumably be the tip of the iceberg, because only a piece of utter shit would say that, like that, in front of his wife. Then follow it up with turning it round on you.

YANBU. I don't think I'd want to have to see him either.

I am so sorry for your loss

So sorry for your loss.

I think I can see both your points of view.

In his mind, he has three children now, and, yes, he probably didn't want to explain anything. He also probably does not want to think about his lost daughter.

However, you do want to think about her. You think of her in the present. And you feel hurt that he doesn't.

I don't think any of you is right or wrong. You simply have dealt with a huge thing in different ways.

My advice is that you, and him, should acknowledge that you have different points of view on this, and respect them.

Do talk to him. But don't tell him how he should feel and don't accept him telling you how you should feel. Try to understand each other, and find a way of coping as a couple, even if still with different perspectives. That is the only way.
Otherwise, it will cause a huge rift between you and it could easily lead to a break up.

I have had three DC but lost a DD some years ago. I always say I have 2 DC if anyone asks. Unless i get to know someone very well there is no way I am divulging that information. It is much to personal.

OP, you have suffered the worst thing that can happen to any mother. In the list of unthinkables, losing a child has to be top of the list.

I would feel just the same as you. But I know that different people "cope" (or don't cope) in different ways. You and your husband are still recently bereaved, and it sounds slightly as if you are slightly transferring your completely understandable rage against whatever it was which took your daughter away from you onto him. And he presumably doesn't have the emotional vocabulary - or is too scared - to express how he really feels.

From what I know of this from someone close to me, your ways of dealing with this monstrous event are unlikely to be in synch with one another. If you do get through it as a couple, your relationship will never be the same. It can't be. But there's a chance you can get through it if you can keep the lines of communication open.

I'm so sorry for your loss

My first child was stillborn and I've always dreaded the 'how many children do you have?' question

When I was pregnant again after my stillbirth, I started off by answering honestly when people asked me if this was my first child, but it just wasn't fair on people.

They were awkward, upset, didn't know what to say to follow up. I know exactly what you feel about not wanting to erase them from history, but equally, it can cause more harm than good to give honest answers to some questions.

You are both obviously processing your loss differently, and neither of you is right, but you both need to find some common ground to accommodate both of your feelings

Yes presumably he would have been trying to avoid questions.

BUT.

The casual lighthearted laughing.
Then turning it around on you when he doesn't like the fact you won't swallow down your upset to keep him happy.
The fact that he's had years to perfect his response to this question so it's not like he's a rabbit in the headlights.

He just sounds like THAT kind of guy, doesn't he. Which is presumably what OP is really upset by.

@RandomLondoner

There’s no reason he couldn’t have said 4 children

There is, it's literally untrue.

I would not go out of my way to lie about this, even if I were married to a crazy/grammatically-challenged/logic-challenged woman who I knew was going to berate me for answering truthfully.

Not sure referring to a relatively recently-bereaved woman as a crazy/grammatically-challenged/logic-challenged woman is a good look here tbh, pal.

Does OP's husband literally have, in their 'possession', four children? No, I guess technically not, if you want to go by the definition of a physical person you can touch. But how does one 'have' a child? Do you still have a child if they're in prison for the rest of their life, for example, and you'll never be able to physically see them again? What if they don't talk to you any more, so you can't even talk to them, do you cease to 'have' the child then?

Surely we can see that having a child is not physically being able to see them, or audibly hearing them, or being geographically close to them - it's about the shift in your mindset from non-parent to parent (or parent of 2, 3, 4). That's why women who have miscarriages or stillborn babies often still regard themselves as parents. Parenthood isn't an on/off switch - once it's happened, you're a parent. A grieving parent, yes, but you still 'have' parenthood. Therefore 'having' a child is not about the physical number of children you could round up into one place.

I am so sorry for your loss, I can get why its painful. But also get his POV.

I tell people I have one brother. I have 2. One died. But usually, the converstation moves past how many there are. Usually 'oh what do they do?'.

I can't face saying 'of one is a sahd and one died' I just can't. I have been all around the houses. I can see the looks of people who know which makes me feel worse.

It makes it easier for me to just say I have one.

I do get why its painful. But I just can't face even the possibility of talking about him publicly.

Uh-oh...

I think the main thing is to get through losing a child without tearing each other apart.

He's chosen one way to deal with it in public, you've chosen another. There's no rights or wrongs here.

How would you feel if he was furious with you for how you chose to express yourself?

That was for Skeumorph's post.

So for all those being all understanding, what's the explain-away for him then shrugging at home and saying he sees nothing wrong with it and OP should just shut up, get over it, and come back home and get on with the wifing? Rather than saying, I'm sorry, I probably handled that wrong, I didn't mean to bring things up for you, I know how you feel'?

How bloody hard would it be for him to react like that? I mean especially as he's the OTHER PARENT?

Jeeez.

I am also guessing the laughing f was awkwardness. Plenty of people do that.

I very much doubt he actually found it funny.

I am so sorry OP. You are definitely not being unreasonable to be upset. As PPs have said though, it is really hard talking about it with new people and so I can understand why he said that in the pub. His reaction back at home was awful though. Hugs

Was she his daughter?
If he wasn’t bio dad he may not want to overstep ?
Grief makes us crazy, I flew off the handle and was utterly unreasonable a few times - be kind to yourself ... and him cut him some slack

I can see why he said so

It would bring up a very deep painful hard conversation. Which in a pub chatty setting. Isn’t appropriate really.

But I really understand where you’re coming from.

@Skeumorph

So hang on, you were sitting right there and she asked 'no girls' and he laughed and said 'yup' ?

No you are not being unreasonable and this will presumably be the tip of the iceberg, because only a piece of utter shit would say that, like that, in front of his wife. Then follow it up with turning it round on you.

YANBU. I don't think I'd want to have to see him either.

I am so sorry for your loss

You've never known someone cover up something painful by laughing it off as a joke?

I don't think OP is wrong to have been devastated by his response, but it's strange that you assume his response here was genuinely laughing as though it was funny and not "Fuck, I don't want to bring this evening down/have a conversation about her right now, laugh it off".

He shouldn't have told you to get over it but everyone copes with being asked that question in their own way

I grabbed my purse and went to my sister's house. Haven't talked to him since. He keeps messaging me telling me how much he loves me, that I need to get over my, OUR, daughter's death.

Aibu? I never want to see him again.

I think he should change the locks and stop messaging. He's done nothing wrong.

Other people on this thread are being kind to you, but frankly I have only so much tolerance of people who want to use their grief to make themselves the centre of some emotional drama. I can believe you're so upset you can't help it, but that doesn't change the fact that he's done nothing wrong and you're abusing him for not behaving in some other way that's more acceptable to you.,

It's abusive to make him feel bad when there is literally not a single thing wrong with what he's said. Either about having three children, or telling you to get over the death. There may not be much chance that him telling you to get over it is going to do any good, but the fact is that he's trying to make you not be upset, you not being upset is a good thing, so in fact he's try to do you good. At worst he's trying to help in a way that makes you get more upset, but it's not his fault that your brain doesn't work like his.

@FlowersNoScent

That was for Skeumorph's post.

What do you mean Flowers? Presumably my being gung-ho?

Hopefully I explain my logic for that in the post below.

How hard would it be for him to see his wife upset and, you know, just be nice and hug her and say sorry I didn't mean that to upset you?

How is it not completely reasonable for OP to expect at least that from her own DH on this issue?

I’m just echoing others - so sorry for your loss. I can understand both your points of view - I think your dh just doesn’t want to talk about it with colleagues he doesn’t know we’ll enough yet and I can also see how you don’t want your daughter overlooked. It’s a very difficult one but I think it’s unfair to punish him for this.

@BrokenLampShade

There’s no reason he couldn’t have said 4 children and also not had to mention that your DD had died aswell if he didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable The next thing the colleagues were going to say was hardly going to be ‘and are they all alive?’ Was it?! He just had to say, ‘4 and you?’ And kept the conversation moving

I don't agree. People do ask questions. "Are they all at uni?" "That must have been a houseful," all pleasant chit chat. But possibly very painful.

@Skeumorph

So for all those being all understanding, what's the explain-away for him then shrugging at home and saying he sees nothing wrong with it and OP should just shut up, get over it, and come back home and get on with the wifing? Rather than saying, I'm sorry, I probably handled that wrong, I didn't mean to bring things up for you, I know how you feel'?

How bloody hard would it be for him to react like that? I mean especially as he's the OTHER PARENT?

Jeeez.

Because op "confronted' him and told him he was wrong to handle it the way he did.

I am guessing, just guessing ita ages for him too and he is grieving so didn't react the best.

Like the op didn't react the best and just have a conversation about how she was feeling.

The death of a child tears people into pieces. Not everyone reacts of does exactly what the own person, needs them do at the exact moment.

They are both in pain and going at it. It happens alot. Both wanting to the other to deal with it, like they are. But that doesn't work.

So hang on, you were sitting right there and she asked 'no girls' and he laughed and said 'yup' ?

In the moment, though, he either bats off the question as a casual comment (which he did), or he tells the colleague “actually, we did have a DD, who died in 2019”. And the colleague would then have been very embarrassed/felt awful. And the mood of the evening would change instantly. And he’d then be in a position of having to discuss his DD’s death in the pub with some people when he really didn’t want to do that. It’s a defence mechanism in the moment; I don’t think you should see it as more than that.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to be upset but people deal with things differently and in his mind he has 3 living children.

I think when meeting new people/colleagues most people wouldn’t want to divulge personal details about their lives so I do understand why he didn’t mention it. A lot of people can be a bit (unintentional) awkward when things like that are mentioned and not sure whether to gloss over it or ask for more details (both of which can offend even more) so I think can see why he has taken that approach.
Although he doesn’t appear to have dealt with it particularly well since, I think you need to stop ignoring him and have a proper conversation about how to deal with this topic moving forward.