To be upset that my husband said he has 3 kids when he has 4?

[LaGauchiste]

I haven't spoke to my husband for 2 days He thinks I am being unfair, and making a big deal out of nothing. I keep thinking about it, and do not feel like I am being unfair at all.

Friday night, we went to the pub with his 2 new colleagues and their partners. We were just chatting, when one of the ladies asked him " So how many kids do you have?" He replied by saying that he had 3 sons. The woman proceeded to say " So all boys no girls?"
He laughed and said "yup".

At that point I wanted to cry and punch the table so badly. WE HAVE A DAUGHTER. My 20 yo daughter passed away in 2019. I am so angry and upset that he said that.

I confronted him at home , and he saw nothing wrong with it : " Well she's dead, we don't have 4 children anymore".

I grabbed my purse and went to my sister's house. Haven't talked to him since. He keeps messaging me telling me how much he loves me, that I need to get over my, OUR, daughter's death.

Aibu? I never want to see him again.

But none of them is denying her existence like my husband does

That's not what he is doing, but your absolute refusal to accept that he's just as entitled to his view that he has three (living) children is just as valid as your view that you have four (total) children is what is going to be the undoing of your relationship.

He's not wrong to feel the way he does. You can't force him to feel differently, that's not how it works. Just like he can't force you to feel the same way that he does. How you feel is how you feel.

Do you think it would be reasonable to tell you that you should feel differently about your daughter? I'm guessing not. In which case I hope you can see that it's unreasonable to tell your husband how he should feel.

I hope you both find peace and a way to move forward.

I think him telling you to move on is no worse than you demanding that he not move on.

He certainly could have worded it more kindly but your standard of grief is not compatible with a healthy, happy marriage, and he is entitled to raise that with you. Again, he should have worded it in a different way, he was too blunt. But otherwise how is he supposed to raise concerns when his wife is saying stuff like "I want to be sad forever, I would feel like I am betraying her if I ever felt OK again. I want to die sad."?

Fucking hell telling OP her “standard of grief is not compatible to a happy marriage” ???!! Oh well do tell us what “standard of grief” is acceptable when you’re child dies? And do tell us the secret to maintaining a happy marriage when a bloody tragedy such as losing a child has happened!!

Honestly the patronising sanctimonious shit some posters are coming out with 🙄

I don’t have anything constructive to say as the grief must be unbearable. Sending love to you OP and I hope you find a way through this with your husband.

@LaGauchiste

Hont1986

Telling me to move on , and get over her death is denying her existence. He" can get over it", but I don't want to. She is not an object that I lost or can get again from somewhere. she is MY child.

As I've already said in this thread I am so very sorry about your daughter and the unimaginable grief you and your husband must be going through.

But telling you to move on is not denying her existence. I was widowed when I was in my 20s. It was horrendous (although I know not to the same extent as your situation). It's many years later and the pain is still unbearable sometimes. But I have moved on. I remarried and I have created a good happy life for myself.

That doesn't mean that I am denying my first husband's existence. And quite frankly I find it a little insulting that you would equate moving on from a terrible loss with denying that they ever existed in the first place.

I understand why you are upset, I lost my brother a few years ago and get upset when my siblings and Dad leave him out of the 'count' to strangers - I always include him. But at the same time, I know my siblings leave him out because they don't feel comfortable talking about him and explaining the situation to people they are either just getting to know or aren't 100% close to yet

I see both sides here.

Bless you. I too have lost a child in 2019. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Your reaction is just part of your grieving process. The important thing is to talk to each other about what is important to you but to respect the way the other grieves. I still avoid telling people sometimes about my son. I am crying as I type this. I fully believe that I still have three children but I am not yet strong enough to have that conversation with virtual strangers. I am starting to be able say 3 children and then change the subject so I don't have to go into more detail. One day I will be able to talk about his too short life with joy but I'm not quite there yet.