To be upset that my husband said he has 3 kids when he has 4?

[LaGauchiste]

I haven't spoke to my husband for 2 days He thinks I am being unfair, and making a big deal out of nothing. I keep thinking about it, and do not feel like I am being unfair at all.

Friday night, we went to the pub with his 2 new colleagues and their partners. We were just chatting, when one of the ladies asked him " So how many kids do you have?" He replied by saying that he had 3 sons. The woman proceeded to say " So all boys no girls?"
He laughed and said "yup".

At that point I wanted to cry and punch the table so badly. WE HAVE A DAUGHTER. My 20 yo daughter passed away in 2019. I am so angry and upset that he said that.

I confronted him at home , and he saw nothing wrong with it : " Well she's dead, we don't have 4 children anymore".

I grabbed my purse and went to my sister's house. Haven't talked to him since. He keeps messaging me telling me how much he loves me, that I need to get over my, OUR, daughter's death.

Aibu? I never want to see him again.

YANBU AT ALL

You will always have 4 children, OP, and I'm so sorry for your devastating loss.

Your DH sounds like he's struggling to find ways to manage talking about this - as would anyone. Only you can tell whether he is just clumsy with words or is actually unfeeling towards you - please think that through, and see where that leaves you. If his denial was just his way of shutting down the conversation, that's not unusual; I've done it, when I don't want to go into something. If he is truly thinking it is time you got over it, then that's a much bigger issue.

I hope you can find a middle ground, and that you can come together to support each other.

So sorry for your loss op. People cope with grief differently. Maybe one question would have lead to another so he didnt want that. Im so sorry for you both

I’m so sorry for your loss.
Like others have said, he most likely didn’t want to invite follow up questions. You can’t predict how a conversation with new people will go. The wrong question could have easily caused (more) upset.

He is hurting too. Please don’t give him the silent treatment.

OP I don’t have the words to say how sorry I am to hear about your daughter.

I think it’s very likely that the way your husband deals with the devastating loss it to try not to think about her and move forward with life as it is now and try to make it a life not consumed by grief. It might not be the best way or emotionally healthy but it’s not ill intentioned. For your own sake try to move away from anger towards him and try to find a way forward for you both to cope. Losing your marriage will only cause you more pain.

How awful, I’m so sorry that you have been through the terrible loss of a child. I think it’s mainly what he said afterwards that’s the issue. Had he said’i didn’t want to discuss it with a stranger’ I don’t think you’d have reacted like that. It’s quite insulting to suggest you should or will ever get over the loss of a child and you’d obviously expect more from a partner. Try not to judge too harshly, grief sometimes blinds people to the pain of others

@LaGauchiste

I understand where you’re coming from, but it’s tricky to just drop into casual conversation.

My Grandma will say she has 3 sons.
My Grandad will say he has 2 sons.

For the same reason.

I am so very sorry for your loss OP

Totally, totally understandable that you would feel upset by that comment

I am hugely sorry for your loss. But your DH has just dealt with that in a different way. And he probably wanted to avoid a difficult and upsetting conversation in the pub with those particular people. I worked for a long time with a chap who always said he had two children; when I got to know him better, he told me about the DD from his first marriage who had died. Didn’t mean he didn’t still grieve her - just that it was something he preferred to keep private. I can see why you feel differently (and why what he said was so upsetting for you). But I don’t think he was unreasonable.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter, OP.

I don't think DH did anything wrong in the pub - he was avoiding a heavy subject with a light-hearted manner because bringing up the relatively recent death of his child is not something you want to do in a social setting with people you don't know well.

His response after, while not sensitive to you, may be his way of handling things - he needs to be able to move forward ("get over it"), otherwise he's stuck in the grief and unable to cope. I know that feels heartless and cold to you, but that is how some people process grief and loss - they need to be able to mentally draw a line, or they'll end up lost to thinking about it constantly. He's allowed to do that.

Could he have thought more sensitively about how you'd take his approach? Yes, and I think he owes you an apology for the same reason you owe him one - you're both approaching grief differently. You're not allowed to force him to bring up painful memories out in a lighthearted social setting if it would cause him pain or difficulty, he's not allowed to force you to take the same "keep going, onwards & upwards" mentality he's using to cope.

Be gentle with one another. You've suffered an awful, awful thing, and people deal with that differently - I can completely understand why you feel hurt by what he said, but I can also see the point of view that if he makes every casual conversation about how many children he has forever about her, he will be being sucker punched by grief constantly (when losing a child is that already). Both of you need to be willing to let the other grieve or cope or move forward how they need to.

When he said get over it, he probably meant the conversation in the pub, not that your daughter died.

Totally NBU OP.

It must have felt like a betrayal of your DD’s existence. I would have been similarly devastated and furious in your situation especially as he said it in your presence.

I have not suffered such a profound loss as yours but having lost a baby girl, I imagine it would have felt so disrespectful to your daughters memory.

As for him saying you need to get over her death, that’s unforgivable. It’s not something you ever will. You learn to live with it but two years is nothing in that!

. So sorry for your loss.

I can understand your pain but everyone grieves differently. It sounds like he’s found away of dealing with his loss that differs from you.

I have 4 kids" would have been more than enough.

For you.

Acknowledging loss is difficult for some, especially when they have already parked those feelings.

Be kind to each other.

There’s no reason he couldn’t have said 4 children

There is, it's literally untrue.

I would not go out of my way to lie about this, even if I were married to a crazy/grammatically-challenged/logic-challenged woman who I knew was going to berate me for answering truthfully.

I know why you're upset,. but I also know some bereaved people sidestep talking about their loss because the pain is so great they don't want to break down in public. They feel more vulnerable in light social occasions or with new acquaintances.
I've encountered people so taken aback by "not the answer they expected" that they come out with some ghastly crass remark :-(

YANBU. I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter OP. It must have been so difficult to hear your husband deny her existence, I would have been heart broken. I understand he may find it difficult to talk about your daughter in a casual conversation but maybe this should have been spoken about before as in he could have said "I don't feel comfortable speaking about the loss of our daughter with some people" and you could have spoken about how to tackle this together rather than him putting you in that position.

I'm sorry your daughter died.

I think he probably didn't want to get into what happened with her with these unimportant people so took the sensible way out.

Silent treatment is immature and not good behaviour.

OP how much have you and DH actually talked about your daughter's death? Have you both retreated into your shells and each dealt with it in your own way? Do you know how he's reacted to it internally?

It sounds like there's been a lack of communication. By him telling you to 'get over it' I suspect he knows how you feel because you've talked about it a lot. How much do you know about his reaction?

I understand him not wanting to mention your daughter in front of new colleagues. It's not just about that one night, if he's working with these people every day it could come up again. For example 'what are your children doing for Christmas, are they all coming home?'. That would be hell given that he knows one of them will never be coming home.

It sounds like you want him to grieve in the way you're doing, and he wants you to grieve in the way he's doing. The only way to get past that is to talk to each other, with a counsellor if necessary. So you have to stop not talking to him, that's not the way forward. You need more talking, not less. Ask him why he feels that you should let it go, and listen to him. Ask him how he feels about it and listen. And explain calmly how you feel and expect him to listen.

You can only move on from her death if you are a team and that means you need to understand each other.

OP I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter.
I would imagine this is grief, its still early days and I would imagine he doesn't want to explain or be asked questions by people he's not close to/ doesn't know.
I think he's response to you of 'get over it' is cruel but again another symptom of grief.
I have worked with many people who have had the heartbreak loss ( I can't even find the right words as these aren't enough)a child and I have found each and every single one of them speaks, doesn't speak, tries to move forward in a different way.

I'm very sorry for your loss.
Sometimes it's easier in social situations to give the straightforward answer.

I say I have 4 children - I had a baby who died 26 years ago next week, one of my twins. I'm not denying her existence at all - just what I say to people. Obviously your loss and grief is much more recent and raw. People deal with grief in different ways.

I don't think your husband did or said anything wrong, until the message about you needing to get over your daughter's death. On the face of it that sounds like an awful thing to say, but given that he is also her father and also grieving, I imagine it was just a poor choice of words. Not that he thinks you should forget her, just that you need to try and find a way of moving on with your life, even perhaps enjoying nights out, while still of course having this grief that will never go away.

Him saying that you have 3 kids was exactly what I would say in the situation - a lighthearted chat with people you don't yet know well. I don't think it's fair of you to be angry and upset AT HIM about that. Of course you are angry and upset about the loss of your daughter, but I don't think taking it out on your husband is helpful for either of you unfortunately.

I have a good friend who lost a child before I knew her, and has two surviving children. I had known her for quite some time before I knew about the baby she had lost. She will always say, when asked, that she has two children. As she gets to know someone better the subject of her other child may come up. I know of course that she hasn't forgotten her child or that she is never far from her thoughts. She just doesn't always want to have to discuss it with new acquaintances.

I also agree with your husband that you don't have 4 children anymore. You HAD 4 children. You now have 3.

Losing a child has to be the hardest thing anyone can go through, and no doubt you and your husband are both struggling in your own ways. If you can find a way to support each other rather than direct your anger at each other that's got to be for the best. Maybe some counseling so you can work on how best to support each other and move forward?

My thoughts are with you.

With new colleagues I can sort of understand your DH's point of view in replying that he had 3 children. It's possibly not something he wanted to share about if he hasn't known them that long.

However I not sure i'd be able to forgive him saying that you need to get over the death of your child.

My parents lost a child 40 years ago and are still not over it but it only recently that i've been able to open up to some of my close friends (who i've known 15+ years) and admit that I had a brother as well as a sister.

I really feel for you both. I imagine your husband didn’t want to get onto the subject with this person, some people can be so odd around grief that if a bereavement is mentioned it gets awkward. Hence saying three children rather than four. But it must’ve been horrible to hear.

I’d give the benefit of the doubt to him, you’re both suffering immensely, but men are usually so much less able to open up emotionally, especially with strangers.

I’m so, so sorry, it must be unbearable.

@BrokenLampShade

There’s no reason he couldn’t have said 4 children and also not had to mention that your DD had died aswell if he didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable The next thing the colleagues were going to say was hardly going to be ‘and are they all alive?’ Was it?! He just had to say, ‘4 and you?’ And kept the conversation moving

But it is entirely possible for them to say...

And the eldest, are they at uni?

I don't think it's denying the daughter's existence, its to avoid the follow on questions.

My bro died very suddenly in his 40s. I often I let people assume I'm an only child as I find get drawn into convos with strangers about my brother, painful