To feel so guilty I can’t give my kids the same advantages in life that I had

[Movingsoon21]

Feeling pretty low at the moment as I’m struggling with the fact I’ll be giving my children less advantages in life than my parents gave me Wondering if anyone else has experienced the same or has any positive words of wisdom for me?

My parents came from humble beginnings but through hard work, intelligence and a bit of luck along the way (buying their first house after the market had just crashed) they ended up becoming upper middle class from being working class, gave my siblings and I a private education, a nice big house, amazing holidays and all the extra curricular activities we wanted. My mum worked part time so we had plenty of time with her and my dad was very hands on at weekends.

I have also worked hard, did well at school, have a decent career and my DH is similar (neither of us are bankers but both work in professions and are doing OK at them) - his family has a similar background story to mine and we have a shared vision for the sort of life we want for our children (similar to our own childhood). But for some reason, we just can’t see ourselves being able to afford the same things as our parents did .

Don’t get me wrong, we’re not struggling for basic necessities or anything like that and I know we’re very lucky compared to many families, but I don’t see us ever affording private school and although we can afford an ok house, it will be nothing like the properties our parents managed to have. We both work full time as well, whereas DH’s mum didn’t work and my mum only worked part time.

I know a lot of this is down to the different economic circumstances we are facing (in particular unlucky time buying a house and private school fees increasing way out of line with wage increases), but I just feel so bad not being able to give my kids the same privileges we had growing up. I’m also embarrassed about it tbh - I never saw myself being in this position, yet here I am!

Anyone else faced similar? I feel most generations tend to do better than the last and am just so depressed about doing worse.

I think most people in this generation are in a similar position. This is the huge beef people have with baby boomers generation.

House prices have risen out of reach of most whilst wages have stagnated. Often 2 parents need to work to support a family.

My parents could afford a much nicer house with My mum working very pt in admin and my Dad taking early retirement due to ill health than myself and DH can afford both as working professionals.

Why are you embarrassed though? There are many families barely scraping by, relying on food banks. You should be angry that the government allows the rich to not contribute a fair amount and leaves so many struggling.

You are embarrassed that you can't send your children to private school and can't afford a big house?

You are very lucky that you can afford a house at all. Your kids don't know any different, they won't care.

It's a problem for many people, you're not alone. We've come to expect that each generation will be better off than the one before it, because it had been the case for a long time. But it's not true now, baby boomers were lucky to be at the peak and subsequent generations will be worse off than their parents. We don't have the same benefits boomers had at our age, we will have poorer benefits by the time we are pensioners. Our children will have it worse than us - it's just the way of things now.

Does you feeling guilty improve the situation?

You sound like you're doing really well. There may well also be quite a substantial inheritance in your/your kids future. Kid's need love, support, understanding and fun they don't need a private education or a huge house or expensive holidays abroad (and I say that as someone who didn't go abroad until they were an adult and is now obsessed with travel). Try to stop comparing with your parents and just have fun with your kids, they won't be worrying about any of the things you are I'm sure.

I would forget about private schools. I went to private school. Both my partner and I earn really decent money and live in a nice house etc..... no way we can afford private school! It's a totally different proposition to what it was in the past. Don't beat yourself up over that at all.

Pretty much all my friends and family of my generation are in a smaller house/flat despite better jobs and working more hours.

My parents came from humble beginnings but through hard work, intelligence and a bit of luck along the way (buying their first house after the market had just crashed) they ended up becoming upper middle class from being working class

In other words, are you saying you've not gotten where your parents are because you're not working as hard, not as intelligent and don't have as much luck?

I understand, my DF hated that a) grammar schools no longer exist within a 30-mile radius of where I grew up and b) that he couldn’t afford to send us private as an alternative.

I only have the house I have as my DH was a decent earner and already had a house when we met.

I also hate that my friends DD will have much better life chances than my DN (they’re about the same age) due to the 200 mile difference in where they live.

It’s shit, but there isn’t an answer unfortunately.

I couldn’t afford to buy a house in the area I grew up in it be a SAHM like my mother was. House prices are the main factor imo and have risen disproportionately compared to wages. The only people I know who have been able to match their parents lifestyle are those who have been gifted substantial amounts of money/property or inherited. The majority of our friends also have grandparents helping with school fees.

It is what it is op and you can only do what you can. Children are happy when their parents are happy and don’t need to live in a huge house or go to private school.

It's really depressing how hard work isn't rewarded like it was for previous generations. We can do everything "right" like do well at school, attend university, get a professional job, etc. At the end of all that, a lot of us are still in extortionate private rented properties with £30k of student debt. Can't afford to buy because of the extortionate rent. Wages aren't high unless you're in London and work as a banker or something.

It's so shit. It's not fair at all. I dread to think what it will be like by the time I eventually reach retirement age which will no doubt keep increasing (assuming I'll still be alive)

The trouble is @Tal45, when the alternative is a crap school then that affects the chances of those kids and so on….

A lot of it is down to luck.

I think you need to readjust your perception of the situation.
Your children have loving parents, are financially secure and have a home.

Honestly what makes a great childhood is love and security, not a private school, mum at home and any extra curricular activities you want.

I’d work hard to reframe your thinking, because you’ll be miserable if you don’t.

Also , without wanting to upset you, will you and oh not receive an inheritance from parents at some point that might facilitate some of the things you want.

I forgot to add that I appreciate that you're in a much better financial position to me but you're still well within your rights to feel angry that you can't afford the luxuries your parents had despite you working full time in a professional job.

Don't feel embarrassed though, this isn't your fault. Very few people can afford private school now.

Our generation is poorer, fewer have bought and most people can't afford private school on professional wages. That's just how it is. I don't really get your guilt, to be honest, I have felt the odd pang of 'haven't really gone anywhere upwards' in my life, my house is smaller than my parents, but it's lovely, I bought which many people cannot do, and it's just about enjoying what you have got.

There's nothing certain in this world, and what this shows you is that you are not guaranteed a certain standard of living or indeed anything. In some parts of the world, being a professional means nothing if your government or state is unstable and it's dangerous to live.

It doesn't sound like your parents are judging you, so stop judging yourself, congratulate yourselves for doing just fine by today's standards and carry on. It also shows that going to private school doesn't mean magical millions in the next generation, your kids will probably become professionals/have ok jobs in their turn, so no-one has really lost anything too much.

The days of one salary/one and a half salaries of professionals affording a good lifestyle are over for most.

To add to my perspective comment. Sounds like I am living a similar life to you (own home but not massive, financially secure but nowhere near being able to afford private school ). However I grew up in council houses and my parents have never owned a home or been financially secure.

I feel great about where I am and recognise how lucky we are.
It’s your perception you need to shift.

As an aside my parents both worked extremely hard (both full time throughout my life), but in lower paid jobs.

Agree that you have to reframe your thinking.

What else did you have growing up? Not materialistic things but love, security, good values, parents who believe in you?

I guess it’s harder if you are brought up with all of those things so see it as doing your children a favour! They don’t have those standards to live up to!

You're not in an unusual situation OP. DH and I are (relatively speaking) higher earners than my parents, but my brother and I went to private school and my DC don't. As you say it's a result of the change in house prices and school fees compared to earnings.

Same here.
When I was born my father was a middle management government employee and my mother stayed at home. And his salary covered a large London house, school fees for 2, and a small and old yacht.

Time and the economy have made their changes. Logically I know why economic changes mean that I cannot afford all that whilst keeping my spouse at home. But another part of my brain keeps asking "How? Why?"

It's a different time. You're comparing apples with oranges.

Just let this feeling go and appreciate what you have achieved.

On the private school I think one of the most important things is that you care about education. You might not afford private schools but will go to library or read regularly etc. I didn’t go to private school (due to disability, something I’m sure pretty sure they wouldn’t get away with now.)

That interest may not make up completely for the difference depending on where you live but it will go a long way. State school meant I also mixed with a wider range of people- there weren’t that many scholarships locally/parents didn’t think their children would fit in to private school so I probably wouldn’t have met them.

You are comparing your life to that of other people who happen to have a larger pool of resources than you do and it is sucking much of the joy from your life.

You could equally feel smug because you are doing better than some others.

Or you could give it up, be grateful for what you have and realise that comparison really is the thief of joy.

Simples.

The next generation normally does better than the one before, but the next two generations….they are in for a shock, they won’t have half of what we did and for the first time I think will be worse off as a whole.

I agree with reframing your thinking, plus I think it might help to think that your parents really didn't magically transition to 'upper-middle-class' from working class childhoods -- I think that kind of class movement takes more than a single generation, quite apart from anything else, and of course isn't just income-dependent.

I think you should also think about the immeasurable social and cultural capital you are handing on to your children, regardless of your incomes and your level of prosperity -- my parents left school at 12 and had an entrenched fear and horror of the slightest novelty or unknown thing, and were especially afraid of looking 'above themselves' at doing anything they considered out of the normal, like going to a free museum locally, or their children contemplating university on a scholarship or grant. You won't be doing that to yours. What you have to give them is incredibly precious.

@devildeepbluesea

It's a different time. You're comparing apples with oranges.

Just let this feeling go and appreciate what you have achieved.

yes, I think this is it.

I have a huge amount of resentment about this as well. If we had just been born a few years earlier, like my older sister, we would be in such a different position with house prices. And house prices dominate everything. And I am about to turn the laptop off due to the cost of the leccy.

But we didn't do this. We are not responsible. And children have been happy without the advantages we had....I hope....and are we worse off, in some ways, because we know what there is to miss?