To feel so guilty I can’t give my kids the same advantages in life that I had

[Movingsoon21]

Feeling pretty low at the moment as I’m struggling with the fact I’ll be giving my children less advantages in life than my parents gave me Wondering if anyone else has experienced the same or has any positive words of wisdom for me?

My parents came from humble beginnings but through hard work, intelligence and a bit of luck along the way (buying their first house after the market had just crashed) they ended up becoming upper middle class from being working class, gave my siblings and I a private education, a nice big house, amazing holidays and all the extra curricular activities we wanted. My mum worked part time so we had plenty of time with her and my dad was very hands on at weekends.

I have also worked hard, did well at school, have a decent career and my DH is similar (neither of us are bankers but both work in professions and are doing OK at them) - his family has a similar background story to mine and we have a shared vision for the sort of life we want for our children (similar to our own childhood). But for some reason, we just can’t see ourselves being able to afford the same things as our parents did .

Don’t get me wrong, we’re not struggling for basic necessities or anything like that and I know we’re very lucky compared to many families, but I don’t see us ever affording private school and although we can afford an ok house, it will be nothing like the properties our parents managed to have. We both work full time as well, whereas DH’s mum didn’t work and my mum only worked part time.

I know a lot of this is down to the different economic circumstances we are facing (in particular unlucky time buying a house and private school fees increasing way out of line with wage increases), but I just feel so bad not being able to give my kids the same privileges we had growing up. I’m also embarrassed about it tbh - I never saw myself being in this position, yet here I am!

Anyone else faced similar? I feel most generations tend to do better than the last and am just so depressed about doing worse.

Honestly, kids just need love and affection and you being "present" as their parents. Everything else comes second

I read some time ago that economists were saying the current 20 and 30 somethings will be 1st generation who will be worse off than their parents.
It's mainly to do with house prices.

I compare myself to my grannies, who had it very tough. It makes it easy to be more upbeat.

OP when I was growing up we were so poor my mum sometimes told us she was not hungry but we found out as adults some nights we did not have enough food to go round. I remember as a child once she leaned over me to serve dinner and I could clearly see her rib cage. It was exciting when we were about 10/11 she took us to macdonald's for our first taste of takeaway. She told us we could only have cheeseburgers - I was happy with that but again only found out later it was all we could afford.
But yet - I don't remember having a deprived childhood. I was excited that I got my big sister's clothes as handydowns. I think you need to give your kids some credit - it would not even have crossed their mind that you had more material privilges as a child than they have now.
We are now in a position that we can afford to send my son to a private school - but he wants to go to the local school. My big threat is that if he doesn't keep his grades up I will send him to a private school!

I could have written this OP. I feel very sad that I might not be able to send DS to private school.

I had a similar upbringing to you and sound in a similar-ish position now. I don’t feel guilty. I feel ridiculously grateful that I don’t have to worry about the cost of groceries and heating and that we can do some nice things with the kids even if it’s not private school and trips abroad. A Mumsnet classic but comparison is the thief of joy.

@ChrissyPlummer

“I also hate that my friends DD will have much better life chances than my DN (they’re about the same age) due to the 200 mile difference in where they live.”

Why is this?

DaisyNGO thanks :)

As someone has pointed out the improvements in standard of living in developed countries has plateaued, stagnated or fallen back slightly.

It’s not the so called boomers fault. They didn’t have a big jamboree in the 70’s and 80’s to plan all this. Fiscally they were a generation that worried about inflation and unemployment, not housing or private schools. They just bought homes and preferred that over renting. Inflation did the rest.

What many people don’t take account of is that in the past 10-15 years, the rest of the undeveloped world has been catching up. They are nowhere near caught up but the gap is closing.

From a global perspective we don’t need to improve the lives of middle class people in developed countries. And if we need to pull wealth and privilege away to make the lives of billions better, so be it.

@folkybythesea

Ok so you sound a bit like you have a socio-economic situation similar to mine. I am able to give my children a middle class upbringing with money for food, necessities etc etc and enough left over for extras.

I was raised in second hand clothes, no holidays, central heating etc rationed, sink school, unskilled worker parents.

Firstly, as a result of my upbringing, I refuse to educate my children privately and I couldn't afford to right now anyway. They already have enough privilege and I don't think spending money on an expensive education will make them into any better or rounded adults than anyone else. Also one has SEN and attends one of the best SEN schools in our county, and I can't see how a private school could or would be any better.

We live in a three bed semi in the South East, which we own (mortgaged). I consider this to be an absolutely enormous privilege.

The children have access to books, art, plenty of learning and enriching toys, and the knowledge of two parents who are educated to postgraduate level. Again, I consider this to be an enormous privilege.

I guess what I'm saying is that what you see as a bit shit, I see as absolutely whopping privilege. So I guess the point of me sharing is to offer a bit of a reality check.

I agree with your position, @folkybythesea -- your childhood sounds like mine, and it's good to see someone else on Mn who refuses to consider private education for their children. It's not a position you see often enough on here.

We’re doing better than my parents and less we’ll than my in laws. DH went to a private school, I to a grammar. My children are doing better than us, but didn’t go to private school and nor do their children.

My mum worked part time for a bit, MiL never worked, I worked part time and mostly full time.

@ecceromani

I read some time ago that economists were saying the current 20 and 30 somethings will be 1st generation who will be worse off than their parents. It's mainly to do with house prices.

What I don’t understand about this ( because I’ve read the same), is surely in 20 years those 20/30 year olds will be inheriting their parents homes.

Or maybe the issue is paying for care in old age means they won’t? Literally just realised that as I wriote it out.

I think this hugely depends on where you live in the country.

My parents (father accountant, mum part time clerical worker) bought their 3 bed house in south Wales for £75K in 1989. They've maintained it amazingly well, extended too. It is now worth £175K.

PIL bought their 5 bed house in a London borough at exactly the same time for £83K. They've maintained it and made some internal improvements. It is now worth just under £1million.

The value in the property has allowed them to put DC through private school, buy a second property etc.

But both DH and I had great childhoods, we were happy and talk fondly of our time growing up. We each mostly had holidays (camping, caravan) in the UK. We had loving extended families. All good.

I wouldn't get too down about it. Your kids won't know any different to how your upbringings were and I think the most important thing in the world is that they are brought up in a family with love and laughter, that wins over materialistic things any day! Money isn't everything and I'm sure they will still learn the same things kids learn in private schools and they'll still be as happy in your home as they would a 6 bed mansion out in the country somewhere

I wouldn’t compare your childhood life with the life you have now.

I wouldn’t be concerned about not giving your children a private education, my twins are 21 and went to an Academy, ordinary sixth form and University (both completed their degrees this Summer) with good grades.

Just do the best you can afford and most importantly show your love and give your time.

I think the most important thing in the world is that they are brought up in a family with love and laughter, that wins over materialistic things any day!

People say this as if they're mutually exclusive but they're not, of course. If I'd made better financial decisions my DC would laugh just as often and I'd love them just as much - the only difference would be that it would happen in a bigger and nicer house! In fact given that a lot of people on the thread have said they work more hours across the couple than their parents who also had fewer money worries it seems likely that we're not only able to give our children less materially but they're also getting less time and more stressed parents

The past is a different country, OP. They do thinks differently there!

My mum now lives on her own in a four bedroomed house in an expensive area. She was ever "only" a secretary, and my dad was "only" solid middle management. Despite earning more than they ever did, I will never be remotely able to afford what they could. It's just the life and times they and we were born in.

Yeah that would have been a better quote had I got it right

"Things" not "thinks

Economists are also saying this generation of children will have the largest inheritances of any generation.
I know you will get people saying an inheritance when in your fifties doesn't matter. I am in my fifties, have received no inheritance and I see the enormous difference it makes to friends who have. They retire early, spend lots of time caring for grandkids, give deposits to their own adult children.
I really am not worried about middle-class kids. The kids at the bottom though are finding it very hard and few care about them.

I think you would benefit from looking at those children who are growing up with far fewer opportunities than yours or who don't have loving parents or a safe home.

There will always be something out of reach. If you keep focussing on it you will diminish the enjoy you get from what you do have.

The greatest gift a child can have is a nice parent and a safe, loving home. All the rest is just noise.

@HesterShaw1 solid middle management was a good job. And a secretary was for many retired women the best job women could often get in the past. Secretaries in the past are more equivalent to PAs now.

All the people I know who went to private school do very ordinary professional jobs that you absolutely do not need to have gone to private school to do, dietician, community worker, local government office and so on. I just think, what a waste of money! Their parents could have paid a stonking house deposit for their kids with the money wasted on private school!

I think for the people who do exceptional jobs who went to private school, that it is more down to background and connections than education.

I think we have to view the circumstances of the post war generation as exceptional caused by very particular conditions at the time and our current lifestyles as more normal and probably more sustainable too.
We can't reset the housing market without doing drastic things that would be hard to accept, although i personally think there is a lot of scope for limiting private landlords and increasing social housing.
Don't feel guilty, reframe it as your parents were really lucky to be born in the right place at the right time. We all made assumptions about lifestyles continuing to inprove without looking at the fine print about how to achieve that and if it was possible (continual growth is obviously not possible).
Make the gap between rich and poor smaller and we'll all be happier.

@julieca

Economists are also saying this generation of children will have the largest inheritances of any generation. I know you will get people saying an inheritance when in your fifties doesn't matter. I am in my fifties, have received no inheritance and I see the enormous difference it makes to friends who have. They retire early, spend lots of time caring for grandkids, give deposits to their own adult children. I really am not worried about middle-class kids. The kids at the bottom though are finding it very hard and few care about them.

This.

I have no inheritance either, and yes, if I am honest I am very jealous of my peers who will. I understand why my friend never bothered to apply for another job when she took redundancy in her 40s. Her parents own five properties that she will inherit!

Maybe your career choices and moves have not been as shrewd as your parents - you came from comfortable beginnings and a nice life and were perhaps driven by doing something that made you happy rather than rich.
Sounds like you simply need to work out how you and your husband can earn more money.