To feel so guilty I can’t give my kids the same advantages in life that I had

[Movingsoon21]

Feeling pretty low at the moment as I’m struggling with the fact I’ll be giving my children less advantages in life than my parents gave me Wondering if anyone else has experienced the same or has any positive words of wisdom for me?

My parents came from humble beginnings but through hard work, intelligence and a bit of luck along the way (buying their first house after the market had just crashed) they ended up becoming upper middle class from being working class, gave my siblings and I a private education, a nice big house, amazing holidays and all the extra curricular activities we wanted. My mum worked part time so we had plenty of time with her and my dad was very hands on at weekends.

I have also worked hard, did well at school, have a decent career and my DH is similar (neither of us are bankers but both work in professions and are doing OK at them) - his family has a similar background story to mine and we have a shared vision for the sort of life we want for our children (similar to our own childhood). But for some reason, we just can’t see ourselves being able to afford the same things as our parents did .

Don’t get me wrong, we’re not struggling for basic necessities or anything like that and I know we’re very lucky compared to many families, but I don’t see us ever affording private school and although we can afford an ok house, it will be nothing like the properties our parents managed to have. We both work full time as well, whereas DH’s mum didn’t work and my mum only worked part time.

I know a lot of this is down to the different economic circumstances we are facing (in particular unlucky time buying a house and private school fees increasing way out of line with wage increases), but I just feel so bad not being able to give my kids the same privileges we had growing up. I’m also embarrassed about it tbh - I never saw myself being in this position, yet here I am!

Anyone else faced similar? I feel most generations tend to do better than the last and am just so depressed about doing worse.

My parents are the same @curious79. The thing is, I like pp, out-earned them but still couldn’t afford to buy a house. Their first house was £2k, my DGM gave them £1k as deposit. Unusual, yes (it was my DGFs death in service payment) but still a 50% deposit. They didn’t have amazing jobs either (admin and junior buyer in a factory).

My thinking was “I may as well go out for dinner and spend £50 because £50 will make fuck all difference in the grand scheme.” To buy a similar house now with a 10% deposit would mean having £30k at the minimum.

My ex’s sister bought her first flat in London in 1998. Not a brilliant area but it was a new development right next to the DLR extension. It was £55k, she sold it 3 years later for treble that. I dread to think what it would cost now.

For most of us the killer is inflation.
In 1984 my boarding school was £3500 per year which equates to around £11,000 or so today. Current fee’s around £40,000

A house in Kensington my parents bought late 60’s was about £500,000 in todays money. Now you’d need £12 million to buy it.

Frankly I would struggle to buy the house I now and lived in for 16 years!

A lot of my friends dont have the lifestyle their parents had

@EvilPea

You own a house. That’s more than so so so many families. That’s a massive achievement. Do not underestimate the value of that stability, the fact your children have an actual base. A home. Somewhere they can have pets, redecorate, play. Make memories. It’s so so precious.

I am in the same boat as the OP. Of all the comments this just hit me in the feels, it is so true. I feel so incredibly lucky to have mortgage and home and it's only possible because my dad helped me with a deposit; one of his last goals in life is to ensure that all his children have a "permanent" roof over their heads (and ultimately, our children).

Honestly your dad did the best nicest thing @AliceET88
Whenever I see posts about private education or deposit for kids. I always say deposit. Kids don’t “need” a private education. But you will always need a home.

Your incredibly lucky to give that stable home to your children. Somewhere without the worry of notice to move quickly, or judgement of having or doing something your landlord doesn’t like. Or fear of them painting on the walls accidentally, or spilling ribena!
You can be sure your children will be in catchment for the same school for nursery, primary and secondary. They’ll be a part of a community and have that town as “home”.
Do not under estimate how important all that stuff is, and just how lucky you are to be able to give that to your children.

In years they’ll hopefully inherit that home which in turn will help their kids on their way.
The other stuff is nice, but that solid foundation. Priceless.

@CecilieRose
I don't know any Boomers who had to flatshare past age 30 despite having decent jobs
Really? I know plenty who did.
You sound like you don't know many boomers full stop.
Oh, and I'm retrieving my remark "Yes Boomers had it easier". I only said it to try cheer you up.
Personally, I think we had it quite as tough as you, but without your sense of underlying entitlement - so now I don't think you deserve to be cheered up at all.

Of course the baby boomers had it easier than everyone younger. Those post war years were some of the most stable and economically expansive years seen. Not until the 80s did it start to reverse. Britain has an ageing population, and most of our resources are spent on keeping baby boomers alive and in pensions (including the rent money we've all been paying and will never get back) for far many unproductive years of luxury for them than ever before.

It's my generation that will pay for it, as we always have, when euthanasia becomes a thing.

The irony being virtually every price increase is in part linked in with the cost of houses / land.
Food is the only thing that has been artificially kept low. Manufacturing outsourced to places with cheaper land and cheaper wages.
But fixed things like childcare, care homes. Is expensive. It’s not the staff taking big wages. Rent or mortgage is taking huge chunks of that pushing costs up.
Where I am it’s virtually impossible for small businesses like trades to open up or continue trading due to a lack of workshops or storage. It’s just not affordable when that land is worth the same as a 3 bed semi.
Even cafes and small shops struggle due to rent and business tax.

The government should never have prevented the 09 crash. I understand why they did it. But the problem now is massive and if the crash happened now it would be three times as bad.

The economy has changed significantly since the post war generation were in their prime.

Many people have been raised to think or feel that each generation should have more wealth than the one before. This is pretty unreasonable, impossible even when you think about it. The mid-20th century was quite probably an aberration and not something that will be repeated.

People don't always connect these things, but the environmental question makes this clearer. Many people feel on the one hand that we need to stop over-consumption, but at the same time want the kind of consumption they grew up with, which feels normal to them. But it was, in many ways, over-consumption.

The other element is we have made the two FT income family the norm. The inevitable result was that it would be difficult to live without that for all but the wealthy.

I’m in a similar position re my circumstances vs my parents, but it doesn’t really bother me. Firstly, my husband, kids and I have benefited from and will continue to benefit from my parents’ wealth. I recognise how fortunate that makes me.

I don’t see the need to compete with or outdo my parents on wealth. Indeed if anything that safety net/cushion has allowed me to step back a bit. Perhaps I would be more ambitious and money orientated without it? I don’t know. Don’t get me wrong. I earn my own way, but am not motivated to “keep up” with my parents on property and holidays etc.

Our lives, outlooks and preferences are just quite different. They paid for some of my education. Personally I don’t see the value in private education. I’m fortunate to be able to live near top quality state schools and have no issues with my children being educated through that system. I have a very comfortable lifestyle and nice house but don’t seek out luxury in the way they do. My dad worked in finance, my mum was a largely sahm. We both work. Our relationship is more equal I feel. They retired young. We won’t. But I’d rather work steadily for longer than work relentlessly for 30 years and then stop.

Equally I don’t envy friends who work very hard, have lots of money and big houses, fancy holidays and pay out for private school. I just don’t think the working lifestyle required for that is worth it in my opinion.

Comparison remains the thief of joy, even (especially) when comparing yourself to your parents. Be confident in your own choices and try and be happy with what you have.

@HarrietsChariot

It's a problem for many people, you're not alone. We've come to expect that each generation will be better off than the one before it, because it had been the case for a long time. But it's not true now, baby boomers were lucky to be at the peak and subsequent generations will be worse off than their parents. We don't have the same benefits boomers had at our age, we will have poorer benefits by the time we are pensioners. Our children will have it worse than us - it's just the way of things now.

This is the case, but I don't think we should accept this. It's not ok. Society is meant to progress, not go backwards.

I'm in the same predicament. OH and I earn 72k before tax, but our flat is 1k per month and we pay 1k in childcare fees, need to run two (old 2nd hand cars). We both work full time and are exhausted. We aren't that young either. Everything is going up in price. If we were on an equivalent salary around the time my mum bought her flat in the early 90's we would be loaded with the two of us working FT in fairly decent jobs. She bought her house on one salary, no deposit and on a low income. There is something very wrong about this.

I am grateful we are not struggling like a lot of people, but I am also angry that I have worked very hard when my children were very young and still don't have much to show for it other than not struggling and getting into debt.

Work needs to pay. It's hardly any wonder that productivity is so low and professions like nursing don't attract new employees because of the wages not going very far.

We should not accept this as a new normal and we should be angry about it. Especially as the wealthiest of society get richer.